Parenting classes & autism?!

[highlandspringerdog]

Ok.
This is just a shameless rant. But I need to get it out -

This is a plea to "experts" working with families dealing with autism to face up to some basics:

1. Autism is not caused by parenting style. The same kid will have autism whether raised by a hippy, a sergeant major, or a wolf.

1. We are judged morning noon and night by people in shops, on trains, by other parents, sometimes even our own families - we expect better from you. You're meant to actually know about autism.

1. Don't suggest parenting classes. Just don't.

1. Don't punish our children. It suggests you're an ignorant wankstain.

1. We are doing our best. We are operating at a level of strategising and forward planning that top military commanders can only dream of.

1. Our children are not all the same. We are the experts about our own individual children, we know what works and what doesn't - believe me, we've tried everything. Trust us when we say that won't work. It is us & our lovely kids who will pick up the pieces and rebuild from the ruins if you insist on your way and you are wrong. Think, always think very carefully - it is a child's life you are playing with.

Over and out.

Definitely been in that scenario Frusso many a time

highland feeling for you and wishing punch bags, gin, chocoate or whatever will help

I want direct payments for parenting courses to be available. That will stop them from suggesting it so willy-Nilly. It will also mean the course organisers will have to put them on when people can attend, with facilities such as crèches, and develop a reputation for being helpful, or else not get funding.

I did the incredible years for ds. It did nothing but aggravate him and made his behaviour worse as he felt patronised.
I stopped halfway through for financial reasons (offered a job), but was struggling to carry on anyway, as ds's failure to comply was put onto me not doing it properly, not the fact that the course doesn't suit every child that does it.
I've learnt more about parenting ds from lurking here than any parenting course or ASD expert.
I'm sick of having to put ds and my other doc through hell to tick their boxes to prove it's not a parenting issue.

Attending a parenting course doesn't mean that there's a parenting issue. It's a way of learning more about your child's behaviour so are better able to support them.
Where I think it goes wrong is when people are sent on generic parenting courses. A specialist course for children with additional needs, is far more appropriate.

Unsolved, where I am there are no specialist courses without a diagnosis, but lots of generic tick box courses to complete before assessment, with the emphasis being Blame the Parents until they can prove otherwise.

The course I run for parents of children with additional needs is called Understanding Behaviour.
I am a parent of autistic children and I trained to do this after attending a course myself that really helped me.
I do a whole session on what you are entitled to and how to the best out of the professionals you work with. The rest of it looks at understanding behaviour, effective strategies to reduce difficult behaviour, managing anger and meltdowns, building on your child's strengths, juggling the different family needs.
I am not associated with the local authority, I'm a private company, so no hidden agenda.
If I haven't empowered the parents by the end of the course, I would see that as a failure on my part.
I still have to call it a parenting course because that is what it is. It doesn't mean that you are doing badly as a parent, it means you are doing your best to try to understand what is going on for your child so that you can help them more.

I am trained to run some of the generic courses - I'm not a fan in all honesty, they're ok for lots of people but they are definitely not very helpful if you have autistic children. CanParent accreditation is trying to improve that so more of the specialist courses can get recognised but there's an endless search for funding to run them.

I have seen professionals put parents on a course as a delaying tactic, but that doesn't mean that courses are a bad idea, it could just be the wrong course.

I often have parents of visually impaired children on my courses. Parenting a child with a disability is more challenging than when your child is not disabled. It brings a whole load of difficulties that you don't know how to deal with. A lot of the behaviours that children with disabilities display, can be very hard for the parent to respond to. They often seem to be autistic type behaviours and the parents end up tearing their hair out because their child's behaviour makes no sense to them.
Sometimes those parents want their child assessed for autism, but once they understand the behaviour that they are seeing, and realise what is caused by their visual impairment, they can then work out whether they do or don't need an ASD assessment.

I've had parents with terminally ill children on my course. It is so incredibly difficult to discipline a child who is playing up, when you know that they're unlikely to make it past their teens.

Then there is the effect on the rest of the family, the siblings who feel left out or passed around or have to live by a different set of rules.
There is the different coping strategies of the parents and the reaction of the wider family.

The course I run is about parenting - it is about what the parent can do to support their disabled child and what the effect on the family is of having a disabled child.
What is wrong with learning about parenting - particularly when the child you have, is different than your previous experience of raising a child?

I don't think diagnosis should be delayed while the parents attend a course, I think parents should attend a course because they want to.

I've been on hundreds of courses (probably) by now. The only three I have found helpful for parenting a child with ASD and well, lifechanging actually, were (in order of helpfulness):

Pivatol Response Training Level 1 (Drs Robert and Lynn Koegel)
Motivation and Reinforcement - (Robert Schramm)
PECS (Pyramid Education) (though what I learned that was useful was a basic thorough introduction to ABA really as my child was already verbal)

The worst ones:
LA ASD introduction for Reception Teachers (good grief! and the teachers were so grateful for the crap misinformation)
Earlybird (NAS)
Introduction to Incredible Years (though again, I think the issue was mostly that it was badly run rather than the course is always terrible)
SALT social communication (LA, terrible)
Hanen (LA (though I am a fan of the methodology, the course was crap and not adapted to UK kids))
Understand Autism (Open University)
Autism Partnership introduction to VB (not terrible but too vague)

I've been on lots and lots of others, but these are the best and worst of them. And they are hours that I can never get back from my or my child's life.

Interestingly the 3 excellent courses I mentioned, were both two full-day courses and that was it.

The others dragged on and on and on.....

I think I agree that the courses for children with additional needs or behaviours that result from their additional needs really shouldn't be called parenting courses.

Those behaviours may well be difficult for a parent to respond to, but they are also difficult for the bus driver to respond to, to teacher, to peers and to well, anyone, so specifically calling a course seeking to help a parent understand and implement strategies, a 'parenting' course, put an implied 'blame' of the behaviours onto inadequate parenting, rather than the disability.

'Understanding behaviour' as a course, imo, should be a 'behaviour' course perhaps?

I'm so glad I read this. The paed told me I need to attend parenting classes after they dismissed my Asd concerns on (then) 5 yo dd. apparently I had to keep going until techniques worked . I'm lucky if sticker charts last a day before being torn up in a rage.

I said I'd go to a single working parenting class, happy to give them a bash but I'd appreciate all the group having the same dynamics. funnily enough they never got back to me.

I'm also glad I've finally accessed the sn board via the app, it doesn't appear in active convos. it's hidden right in front of me in 'my topics'.

'it is about what the parent can do to support their disabled child and what the effect on the family is of having a disabled child.'

You only need to look at the types of courses that parents 'choose' to do when they have a child with SEN. Around here it tends to be SEN law courses.

It would be so much better if parents could be given a voucher or direct payments for them to choose to access whatever learning they identify themselves as needing for them to ensure their children are getting their needs met. Surely this would support the Governments 'resilience' training and allow parents to do what is required of THEM by law which is to ensure their child is educated and to safeguard their well-being.

meglet Being a single parent means you have to jump through the 'lets thoroughly investigate the effects of single parenting on the child before we investigate' hoop.

Same with adopted children - attachment, Children of parents with LD (clearly parenting though LDs are often genetic) - inability of skills, siblings of children with SEN - copying/attachment..........

Meglet Is your then 5yr old, now 6 and a half?

"But some of us are happy with our parenting, and don't value that input into our relationships. Further to that some of us are frankly baffled to be offered a parenting course when we are looking for a medical investigation of our childs difficulties."
Yes, this exactly. This is what I keep trying to say badly to people who say we should just comply and get on with it.
We have no worries about how we are parenting our dc. We have had to learn ds's triggers and how to avoid them, and how to work this into family life so our other dc aren't limited in any way, but in order to comply we will have to go back to basics, doing things that we know full well make ds violent and a potential danger to us and his siblings, just to tick boxes to prove it's not us.

So our choice is, comply, do the basic, generic parenting classes, put family squarely back in the "not coping" category but tick boxes and hopefully progress to more assessments .
Or not comply, keep doing the things that we know work for ds to help keep him calm, keep our other dc free from danger but then have other help/support written off because we're not engaging.
You can't win.

I was talking to my sister this morning who pointed out that to suggested solutions, my answer was that we'd tried it but it didn't work, that we knew it would make things more difficult. I came across as being obstructive.
But to me, this isn't about being obstructive, it's about knowing my child. I know that things aren't perfect, but we've dramatically improved things in the last year and surely that deserves some recognition, rather than the insistence that we take huge steps backwards or no more can be done, no family should be put through that.

All the parents of ASD/C kids that I have ever met or seen posting could teach everyone else a very great deal about:-
determination
ingenuity
compassion
tolerance
resilience beyond the endurance of many
what real love for your child means
adaptability
coping strategies
overcoming many setbacks
overcoming big setbacks
valuing small things that others take for granted

and above all, parenting

Oh zzzzz I have heard that one too. Mixed-race means 'mixed-up' no concrete sense of identity as parents can't agree on background/heritage blah blah blah.

Never heard this on the receiving end, but heard it a lot when I was working for LAs. Also the reason children with ASD have parents who are determined and inflexible in sitting by whilst their children fail is due to the shared genotype, and nowt to do with the fact their children are actually being failed.

What zzzzz says is true. If you are being sent on a parenting course, ask what will happen afterwards. Often its nowt.

They do offer parents with children with other disabilities these courses too.
I moved county four years ago and we went from having a care package to having nothing at all.
My child has severe and complex disabilities plus medical needs (and is a teenager) but we were offered a triple p course and told it would be really useful

no doubt the triple p is very similar to respite