Grandparents visiting and asd

[FoxyVeganJane]

This is a hard one for me, dh works away. Dh is more away than home so I'm very independent. We have 4 dc, middle two have asd.

I have quite firm rules and routines in place and I know what sets my boys off and what disrupts them and to be honest what makes life harder.

When my in laws come to stay, which is rarely pre arranged, we live 9 hours away from them. They drive up to suprise the kids. Thing is Ds aren't keen on suprises and often get upset that they're here. The in laws generally stay two nights, mil has ill health and gets easily worn out and retires to our spare room to rest. She makes a lot of mess, leaves half drunk tea lying around which two year old ds keeps spilling and she doesn't really know the dc because she doesn't visit that often and believes strongly that middle ds are just being boys and that I don't give them enough one on one time. This really winds me up. Plus she wants me to completely change the routine when she visits so she can enjoy the dc, which always ends in disaster.

Pil is very immature and silly and says stupid things to the dc that aren't true like the sea is blue because of the octopuses squirting blue ink into the ocean, eldest ds knows this is not true and gets very upset when pil keeps insisting that it is true, when he finally agrees that pil might be right Pil laughs and says something like aren't kids daft. I have to intervene with pils silly jokey comments all the time. He also winds the boys up until they are very hyperactive and it always ends up with them hurting each other or fighting. This rarely happens when he's not here.

Dh keeps his parents in check when he's here but they never visit when he's here only when he's away. They also had a go at me for filling out a DLA form for the boys. Telling me it was despicable, that I was begging and that my ds were fine and I was the problem not them. I've still not finished filling in the form.

I can't stand either of them, my day to day is exhausting enough without the visit and the fall out from the visit. Ds always struggle when they leave as they turn everything upside down and it takes a lot of patience, and to be honest I have to be quite firm reimplementing rules and routines and I have to give a lot of explanation to get the boys settled again. Dd doesn't enjoy their visits as she sees how hard it is on her brothers and she sees how exhausted it makes me and how upset it makes me.

My pil is very argumentative, opinionated and judgemental with everything I do. He said to me this weekend maybe your dc would be better if you fed them meat, you should let them have more fun and be more imaginative. But my kids are both those things. They are independent and creative and amazing.

I'm sorry this is so long but how do you manage outsiders, I just spend the whole time they're here doing extra work looking after two more people and keeping dc in check. It's not enjoyable or restful.

Thank you for reading, I really needed a moan.

Ooooo! Tough. Poor you. You sound like you have things pretty sorted on a day-to-day basis, and with 4dc two with asd, that is a pretty big achievement. Very well done to you!

Pil sound hard going. What did they say to the official ads diagnosis? Getting that actually helped our relatives stop blaming me all the time. Could you explain that you are trying out something advised by the health professionals and you'd appreciate their help in carrying it out? Then explain your normal routine/requirements?? Get dh to phone home when they're there and he can say what a terrific job you do with the boys and how hard it is for you etc etc? Would they listen to dh?

Other strategies I have used is to send mil out with asd dd and let her figure it out for herself! Mil came back a bit shell-shocked as she'd chosen dd's cake for her in a cafe (wrong) and then cut it in half (very wrong!!). The resulting meltdown was not pretty apparently. Sad for dd, but it did stop mil blaming me!

Oh, and DLA is not begging. It goes along with the diagnosis. Take it.

Poor you. I think you need to get your dd to speak to your pil about not just turning up and about your dcs' diagnosis. They either respect that and your house rules or they are not welcome. They sound awful btw.

A very big well done for managing them and their routines otherwise. Good luck with the DLA, your pils are just ignorant. DLA is not just a financial benefit, it can open the door to other things; such as disabled badges, carers allowance etc. I know some parents who put the money in trust for their children's future. But it can certainly help with extra expenses that you might need. They certainly don't give it to people who don't need it! It's a 40 page form ffs.

Dh, obviously.

It might not be possible to change them as much as you would like when they are with you. But if I were you I would bloody well insist they didn't turn up without warning. Or rather, I would get my DH to do so and then repeat it myself ad nauseum

Thank you, they know about the diagnosis they think it's modern aged clap trap and I just have boys who aren't chanelled and given enough attention. Dh can't phone when away he's a pilot at sea and can't often get a signal.

They've taken the dc out before it did go badly, I got blamed for not teaching them how to behave in public.

If I knew when they'd be coming, I'd conveniently be out or I'd get the neighbour to block the lane and tell them I'm away.

Thank you for reading. After awhile I do start to believe it might be my fault.

Dh has spoken to them and has asked them not to visit without planning it first and to respect my house my rules. In laws just believe he's being precious and I'm too sensitive.

I will carry on filling out dla it's hard going. Pil made me feel terrible for even attempting to complete it. I'd like to know my pension contributions are safe, I can't do childminder and it can be expensive providing extra things just to help with the day to day.

I will talk to dh in April, I can't discuss this by email knowing he can't do anything about it. I get a window of about a week when dh is in phone contact again, I will mention the visit was hard work. He's due home in May so he can drop in on his way home and talk to them. I just wish they'd listen.

I think then you (or dh, when he can) needs to tell them that they are not to visit without notice and if they turn up, be harsh and turn them away. "It is not possible for you to stay here, you need to give us notice" tough but it might stop them from just coming. Can you make the guest room uninhabitable, so you can't accommodate them?

I think you will have to be very tough with them. At the moment they come when they want and do what they want. I think you will have to lay down the law. Not nice for you, but better than riding roughshod over you and your dcs.

The DLA form is horrendous but you might be able to get some help, would the asperger society have guidelines? My dd has ds and the dsa has printable guidelines and (fabulous) benefits advisers too.

God how utterly infuriating! I think your DH needs to deal with it so I would spend time between now and when you can talk to him planning what you want him to say to them. Someone needs to get angry with them and it should be him. Personally I think if they can't respect you (and they're really not treating you with any respect at all) then they can't visit. But I'm pretty hardline about this kind of thing. It's up to you to decide where your boundaries are and up to him to outline them very clearly to your ILs and what the consequences will be if they don't respect them.

And please ignore them about the DLA - they're talking rubbish. I took me about six months to fill out my form though - it is very hard-going. But you'll be glad you did.

Oh yes, the cerebra website guide to filling out your DLA form is fantastic

I agree that your DH needs to be there dealing with all this when they visit. Of course you need notice when they intend to visit. I agree with making the guest room not habitable so they can't stay. It does seem a bit mean and drastic but you shouldn't have to put up with this. And certainly not on your own.

'Surprise' visits - how awful!

Thank you. I looked at Cerebra before starting it's still daunting even with the guidelines. It's an exhausting form.

When dh is home and they visit, it's normally ok. Dh just has to glare or take them to one side for a chat. It improves for awhile afterward but deteriorates eventually.

Lately they've waited for dh to be away. I've a feeling the inlaws will appear in the summer. Or sometime in May.

This visit ended frostily as I was pretty hacked off within an hour of them arriving, making dd cry was the final straw. They left without much fanfare usually they want to be waved off and hugged and make a big thing of getting the dc to help pack and find stuff. It didn't happen this time.

I will ring up tonight and explain why the visit was horrendous. If we weren't 9 hours away I would send the home. I will also ring the local pub and see if they can spontaneously accomadate them so next time they arrive I can hand them a key and say here's your room key and the bill. I will tag on after you've had tea and settled in give us a ring and pop over.

Never thought about doung that but your right. I think its going to be the only solution.

I can't believe they drive nine hours to surprise you. They sound absolutely horrendous. I really think your DH is going to have to step up and spell it out to them that this is not acceptable behaviour. It took me a year to do my DLA form! Down load the cerebra guide, it really helped me

I think that sounds like a sensible plan. And I never used to understand people saying that they struggled to fill in the DLA form until I tried. It's utterly gruelling but you will get there.

There is a thread on GPS tracking - could you just put one in their car and then see if they are heading your way and turn them back?

No, seriously, DLA is an entitlement. We do not pay taxes by choice do we? So it is not charity. Shame on pils for trying to make you feel guilty.

The trouble with the form is that it makes you say all the things dcs CANNOT do, and this is very unnatural. No-one walks into a room and says 'hello, pleased to meet you. I can't fly a plane yet, and I can't touch my toes or speak fluent Spanish either'. No, we define ourselves by what we can do. 'What do you do' 'I am a supermum of 4 dcs' and in the event of any spare time I like to [insert]'.

But remember the form is really asking is 'what does your dc which is different from what the mainstream, majority, bog-standard folk do, and which the mainstream, bogstandard folk have trouble accommodating?'

Some minority things your dc does are things which the majority-mainstream-bogstandard folk can take in their stride, like brilliant memory, or attention to detail maybe.

Then there are the others, which the mainstream-majority-bogstandard folk cannot or have not accommadated, and which you therefore need help with.

But the need for help is caused by a failing in the mainstream-majority-bogstandard folk, so it is really THEIR weaknesses, ignorance, and intransigence you are listing, not dc's.

I hope this helps

Er...tell them they're no longer welcome in your house and never let them in?

I claim DLA for ds1 ... ( and will most probably for ds2 once he gets DX) I know and dh know we claim that's it.

For all the reasons other people say.

It means we can do and buy more things to help make life easier/more fun/more like everyone else's.

And its fuck all anyone's business but ours :-)

Well I didn't have to phone as they phoned me. Helpfully she's sending me some books on parenting and anger management she thinks this will be very beneficial. Along with this she's going to include some old magazines that might teach me a thing or two about being a gracious host.

I hung up and she rang back saying I needed to sort my line out and I should contact bt. I told her she could save her money and cancel the order of books and there was nothing wrong with my hosting or landline and I found her and fil intolerable. I calmly said the issues when she visited were down to their terrible behaviour as guests not my hosting. I also said I'd be sending her some more material on autism and once shed read it she could phone, we could have a chat about it and then we may be able to arrange a visit at the end of July. I also asked her not to phone unless she was kind and more supportive. She was so shocked by the tirade there wasn't much interruption.

I unplugged the phone so she couldn't ring back and counter attack and I called bt with my mobile blocked their number and then I blocked them on my mobile. I also spoke to the pub yesterday and they will help me out if they can, but in high season it may not be possible. The camping barn is the only other accomadation but I would book them in if the pub was full.

I've emailed dh to explain how I've handled things, he can intervene when he gets back. I asked the dc if they'd miss the grandparents not visiting at easter and they said they were happy they weren't coming.

Now just the dla form and to eventually deal with the fall out of my massive foot stomping. Thank you for giving me the courage to deal with them I really believed I had the problem. It feels good to stand up to them for my dc.

Very well done Foxy! Absolutely brilliant x

Well done. You did the right thing.

Wow - well done you!

Absolutely well done you, VERY well handled.

Foxy you utter star!