DS's birthday party... child with ADHD attending and I'm nervous

[farewellfigure]

Hi. It's DS's 7th birthday party in 2 weeks. We're having 7 of his friends over to the house for tea. It's supposed to be a 'quiet' tea party but I know it'll be a full on party by the time I've finished planning games and activities. I just can't help myself

Anyway, one of his friends has ADHD. I don't know much about the condition other than what I've read on here so I do apologise for my ignorance. I do know that the boy is always doing his own thing rather than participating in group activities. He always seems to be doing something silly or naughty (sorry, I can't think of the appropriate way to describe it other than that. I know he can't help it). His mum is constantly trying to manage his behaviour but it has little effect.

My question is, what can I do while he is in my care to make things go smoothly? His mum won't be staying as he has other siblings. I can't deny I am nervous. Again, apologies if this has offended anyone. That isn't my intention.

Talk to the mum about management strategies/warning signs/triggers/what to do if you are not able to manage his behaviour.

Make sure you have an emergency contact number.

Have a designated chill out area (not sure if they're as much use with ADHD, but invaluyable for ds's friend who has ASD...also good for any other child who needs a few minutes if breathing space).

First, huge congratulations for including your dc's friend. It makes a very big difference to the kids and their parents not to be left out.

If you can get hep from another adult to engage with him and run with his agenda then you will give him a good time, lower your blood pressure, and protect your house from and impulsive behaviour.

And maybe ask his mum what his favourite things are eg to do and eat, so that he will have a great time because of those, even if he spends most of the time exploring other things.

Well done you!

Thanks folks, but please don't congratulate me. I feel dreadful that I'm worrying about it. If you know how desperate I was for DS NOT to choose him you would think a lot less of me. Horrid human being I am.

But anyway, great ideas. I'll steel myself for a conversation with his mum. I'm going to have to choose my words very carefully. How on earth do I broach the subject? She's lovely so I'm sure it'll be fine but blimey... it's not going to be easy.

I agree with the wise women above, it really is fine to say my ds was really thrilled X was able to come to the party and I wanted to make sure X felt comfortable and enjoyed the party, is there anything I need to know? are there any things that would bother or upset him? what would be likely to help or re-assure him? other thing I would say is do ask if mum wanted to be there, as she might actually be able to sort care for siblings?

(and thank you for your consideration, )

The fact that you have invited him, despite worrying about it, is lovely. DS1 doesn't have ADHD and at mainstream, was only ever invited to one party.

The mum spoke to me beforehand, something like "I'm a bit nervous about MiniYesIDid as I don't know him very well and have never met a child with (his SN) would you able to stay, or if not, is there anything I need to do or know to make sure he enjoys it"

I didn't mind at all being asked, I stayed but just hovered in background. DS had a great time and there were no problems. I still think of her now as it was the only party he went to at that school, and dd1 (SN) wasn't invited to a single one, whole class parties too. It's very very hard when your DC are left out, so it means a lot when they are invited. Please don't worry about asking the parent for tips or help, I'm sure every single person on this thread wouldn't mind.

Still saying well done. You are doing a wonderful thing. Of course you are nervous about something you don't know much about, but the family live with it all the time, so they should be able to sort your concerns.

I'm going to say well done you, too, for wanting to include him and make sure they're all happy.

My suggestions, based on DS1, are:

• treat him as one of the group. If you need to talk to them, make sure you have his attention - gaining eye contact is really useful, as is being in the same room rather than calling up the stairs or from the kitchen.

• make any boundaries clear. If some rooms are off-limits, close the door and make it clear where the party is. Set out the order of play for the party if you like, e.g. play, food, games, home.

• Make any house rules clear (e.g no jumping on beds) as and when you need to and be prepared to repeat them calmly as he may well simply forget.

• Set out the plans from the offset, e.g. everyone is to stay seated till you've finished eating (if they're going to sing happy birthday), or that they can leave when they're done.

• make clear 'do' requests rather than 'don't, so 'please share the crisps with the others' rather than 'don't hog the crisps'. He might understand the don't but not be sure what he should be doing instead.

• if things get very over-excited, can you release them into the garden?

• have a quiet space for him to calm down in if it gets either too exciting or if he gets stressed out. You might need to sit with him and have a chat about a nice distracting topic if needed, give a couple of them a quiet game, or just let him have some quiet.

• ask the mum if there are any foods he can't have, orange jelly sets DS into overdrive.

• if things get heated between him and any of the other children, don't make assumptions but give them chance to calmly say what happened. He may need time to calm down doing something separate first. Make positive suggestions for how they could play together, eg taking turns or doing teamwork, or find separate games if needed.

• remember that he may just get carried away with the excitement of it all, be patient and be prepared to repeat things calmly and often.

• remember that he's just a normal kid, just with his thoughts going that bit faster and bouncing about the place a bit more.

As with all children's parties, have the wine handy for afterwards. Have fun :)

TwoLeftSocks some fantastic advice there. Thank you. And YY to the wine! One of the mums is staying to help, and she has already suggested it (just generally, not with regard to the child with SN). I'm hopeful that it will all go well and that I'll enjoy it, rather than stressing.

Thanks guys

As a parent of a child with ADHD, can I also say thank you for inviting this child. It is so hard having to explain to your child again and again, that they can't go to a party because they haven't been invited, and no, you don't know why they haven't been invited, even though you invited ten kids to their party...

And don't feel bad about being nervous. I'd feel nervous if I invited a child with ADHD to a party at my house, because you can't predict how it'll go. I have to say my DS is a pita at parties - nothing to do with food/sugar/additives, but just being so excited

Anyway, I agree with TwoLeftSocks list of hints. My top ones would be:

*For my DS, having a quiet place to go if he gets too excited would be really good (maybe with a computer/tablet/phone to hand as games tend to calm him down quicker than anything else).

*If he gets too excited, try to draw him aside from everyone else and get down and talk to him at his level. He may not be able to handle his excitement though, in which case, I (as a parent) would be fine if you just told him he had to go to the quiet space for a few mins to calm down.

*Definitely try to get them outside for some of it. Biosterous play tends to feel much easier outside than in.

• set out ground rules straight away. My DS finds it easier to not do stuff if he has been told, rather than doing things and having to be told to stop iyswim?

• Do talk to his mum first. I would be fine if i was asked what would help DS make the most from the party, given that he can get a bit over the top . I suspect this child's mum would be happy to talk, and will probably offer to be around should he need picking up early!

*Do accept that this child might (though he won't want to be) be a bit hard to handle. Don't take it personally , and please remember that you are doing a very good thing for him.

*Lastly, every party involving a gaggle of small excited people tends to jangle your nerves, so grit your teeth! Often it is the children who never have sweets and don't watch TV who become the monsters at parties lol!

Come back and let us know how it goes

Parents like us love mums like you! My dd1 is in year 6 and only been to a handful of parties but this weekend has had a sleepover, a bowling party and a swimming party! It makes soooo much difference for ADHD kids to be included. The mum that had her for a sleepover sent me regular texts to let me know dd1 was ok and was behaving as I think she sensed my panic about it which was great!

Def have some jobs he can help with or something he can round round in the garden and do. Do you have a trampoline? If he gets a bit wild could he have a quick bounce on that for a bit?

My ds has asd and adhd. How long is the party for? If it's too long you can run into problems (over excitement and tiredness). Can you give mum an order of what is going to happen. My ds gets stressed and likes to know what games will be played, when food is being eaten etc. a tablet with a game or film on is good when down time is needed. Or an area for Lego or drawing? It's upto his mum to help set him upto have a good time, with my ds lots of planning go into things like this. With a child with sn , it can never be a drop and run situation. It's so worth it though, you will be helping him have a very memorable occasion. Lots of children go to many parties, he probably won't! You are helping your ds and all the others learn a little something about our very special Children.

Hi again. DS is having a trampoline for his birthday and I'm planning on having it up and ready, and hoping against hope that it will be nice enough weather for them to bounce if they want.

I was also planning a quiet area with colouring. Lego is a great idea as well. I could say that whenever anyone wants to, they can go and have a quiet colour or build something.

I'm planning on a pin the tail game, a hunting game, and pass the parcel. Oh and maybe a throwing at a target game. The party is 2 hours, so I was thinking ten minutes to get everyone in, then 15 minutes for each activity (roughly) with maybe colouring in between. Then tea, and the last 20 minutes or so just playing or bouncing!

Yesterday I came down with chicken pox and it is REALLY BAD (thanks DS), so all of this will now depend on how I am over the next ten days. Oh boy who knew a childhood illness could be so appalling. Even my eyeballs hurt.

I'll try and post back once the party is over. And again, thank you. I'm a regular AIBU poster, and it's been wonderfully refreshing to get such brilliant help and advice. You're all smashing.

SN is very very different from AIBU . I love that it is generally bar the odd dickhead that pops up really a place of support for everyone. I think it has kept it's original ethos more than other parts of MN.

Sorry to hear you are poorly, chicken pox can be awful as an adult, sympathies.

The party, if it goes ahead, sounds excellent. Has the parent of the DC spoken about it to you at all?

I hope you feel better soon.

Oh fare!
get well soon.

And the party plans sound super.

Oh dear! I hope the chicken pox treats you kindly and clears quickly!

The party plans sound great.

Just in case it's helpful- I've found that having a timer (the countdown on my phone) and can be useful for taking turns if it gets too congested on the trampoline. If everyone has three minutes, for example, they're happy to let others have a go and come back when it's their turn again.

Also, for the Lego, DS can get very upset at his models being broken up - I think with his poor short term memory he gets upset that he'll never remember that creation again. If that's the case, I've often taken a photo so it's preserved forever, possibly something you could so and send to his mum if needed. Or it might not be a problem at all of course.

Ooh a timer for the trampoline is a good idea. I was wondering how to work that one generally anyway as I will not be allowing more than one child on at a time.

And I love the idea of photographing Lego models, not just for the child with ADHD, but for DS as well. Great plan.

Sadly the chicken pox is really taking hold. I'm trying to make pokeballs (from pokemon) for the hunting game... i.e. hide the pokeball. I have 18 ping pong balls to transform. I've managed 2 in about 3 hours. I thought it would be a nice quick and gentle activity that I wouldn't find too taxing. Sadly not the case as my head feels like it's on fire. Anyway I'm derailing my own thread here!

Derail away, I love the idea of pokeball hunting!

Can I come in late and add another saying thankyou for inviting this lad and asking advice on how to include him. To you it probably feels like protecting yourself and your sanity but to the parent of a child with SN it shows inclusion.

And ok, you may have been dreading your DS inviting him, but you didn't prevent him from doing so - and that's the bit that counts.

Love all the ideas for games suggested and Pokemon ball hunt sounds fun.

I hope you get better soon and the party is great fun.

Oh you poor thing! I hope you pull through quickly. Could you reschedule - perhaps to the holidays?
Good advice above from several posters. I just thought I would add that my son (who has ADHD/ASD and LD so its hard to know what causes what IYKWIM) cannot cope at all with boredom - which is unlikely at a party. However if there is a quiet few moments for instance in between activities he will find something to do (without thought of any kind)- often inappropriate things like exploring off limit rooms, or opening things he shouldn't. Its handy to have something to redirect him, like doing a useful job, - collect up the paper after pass the parcel with a couple of others that sort of thing. His teachers use this technique too to keep him busy and out of trouble. But mostly its getting too loud and over excited that is the danger- as it is for all children. Ds (now a strapping teen) would love a ball hunt too. And yes it is lovely that you have invited this boy despite your worries.
Hope you feel a lot better soon.

Well it's one sleep till the party!

I thought I'd pop back to say that I am much better (apart from looking hideous and a hacking cough) and a lot of party prep is done. I just have to do some wrapping, clean the house and do the food.

I'll report back how the party went once I've recovered had a large glass of wine tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone for your ideas. I'm much calmer than I thought I'd be. In the end I sent a general email asking the mums whether any of their children were allergic to anything or had any special requirements. I didn't do the school run once last week (due to being contagious) and the little lad has been off sick himself all this week so I haven't seen her. My DS is desperately hoping his little friend will be well enough to come!

Well done again and good luck

Hello

Update! The little lad's mum talked to me in the playground this morning. She wanted me to know that he has been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, and that they changed his medication a few weeks ago and it's not going well. They changed it back on Monday but obviously that's too recent for it to have made a difference. She said, 'Don't be scared!'. I hope there wasn't a look of panic on my face. She said I have free reign to be as cross and strict as I like (I'm not a very cross person really... find it very hard to raise my voice) and that I can just ring her if all hell breaks loose. She warned me that he adores my DS and is already completely over-excited about the whole thing.

Oh boy. At least it's sunny here so they can all go in the garden if it gets too much!