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WIll I have to spend my whole life elbow deep in excrement.. will my house always stink...?

58 replies

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 25/09/2006 17:39

This is a self-indulgent whine, I'll warn you now.. and worse still it's disgusting and graphic.. and because of that I can't whinge to anyone else about it. I can't even bring myself to whinge about this particular thing to the housing assocation (re our boring (for others I'm sure!) and chronic housing situation that gets worse by the month).. so I am having to post this or I'll explode..

I know there are other parents on here who have suffered with this.. and this alone helps keeps us (Dh and I) sane, knowing that other people have to deal with it too.. because initially and sommewhat irrationally I felt that nobody else anywhere had to deal with this problem from their six year old or older child. But it's the regularity of it that is getting me down. The problem being.. and I apologise for this.. stop reading if you're eating, the issue of DS2 (SN.. cp/developmental delay etc etc), gaining early morning access to the contents of his nappy and causing terrible and horrifying chaos with it.

It invariably happens on a Sunday morning, when DH and I, exhuasted as usual by six early mornings starts of 6.30am on Mon-Sat and of course all the broken nights because DS does not sleep through - ever, really... don't actually get to him to wake him up. (The rest of the time, the little sod is soundo by the time we need to get him up for school, havingb een awake half the night,.. so the scenario does not occur.) So Sundays, which have the potential to be a small and well earnt lie-in, instead become waking up to the nightmare scenario (usually informed of by our 7 year old DD) that DS2 has once again had a poo, got out of his pyjamas, got the poo out of the nappy and spread it all over the place, the saftey (dog) gate, the bedroom door, the wood of the bunk bed within his reach, soft toys, wardrobe door and of course the carpet.

DH and I just get up and on with it but it's a horrible way to wake up, really soul destroying. DH usually starts on the clean up and I dump DS in the bath and scrub at him over and over again, whilst running clean baths until the water looks clear. And brushing his teeth of course because he eats it.

He has been wearing all-in-one garments to bed for years now and we prevented it from happening for a while with this method, but now he has developed a pincer grip (which he didn't have before) he can get his clothes off if he tries hard enough.

This is DS1's bedroom too (he is 14) and I feel so so sorry for him! The smell lingers all week and beyond (until the next episode!) even though we disinfect and scrub everything in sight! The only good point is that DS1 is usually away at his dad's that night so he's rarely there when it happens. It's bloody miserable and I am fed up with it. Personally I find it the hardest thing of all with being mum to DS2 (who does have some lovely characteristics really, and I love him very much).. harder even (although less life threatening) than the terrible issue of trying to keep him in his car seat and from opening the windows in the car. Had a horrid expereince on dual carriage way this morning.. he undid the seat belt AND the special security (pill bottle type) cover to prevent him from undoing it.. undid the window and tried to throw out DD's booster seat. I was all over the road trying to control him and I am ABSOLUTELY NOT driving ANYWHERE with him anymore without anyone else in the car. I could have killed us both and other people.: I had to pull into a garage and cry for a bit.. and phone DH for ideas on news ways to restrain him for the rest of the journey. I was shaking like a leaf for 15 minutes. And he was raking at my face and pulling my hair while I was trying to trap him back in. It's no joke; he's so strong now.

So sorry for this whinge, really I am. But I have to let this out. Feels like this is what life is going to be all about, forever. And it probably is.

By the way, re the housing problem and the ongoing saga of our terribly-unsuitable (for DS2) social housing... I wrote a strongly worded letter to the Housing Association listing all the ways in which DS2's human rights are being breached -(got the idea from my course work in which I am revising about children's rights), copied and pasted large chunks of the Childrens Right's Act 1989 and put the Extremely Relevant Parts in RED itallics.. and sent a copy to our MP and TOLD the HA I was doing so.. and said I want a reply within 7 days or I am going to our local TV news programme (but I don't want to do that more than flying in the air.. in fact I'd much rather fly...!!)

Got a phone call the next day saying matter would be addressed within next few days.. and letter the next day with same info in writing. Am not naive enough to think they are urgently looking for a suitable property for us or anything that exciting (never had ONE offer in two years of being top of list with max points).. but at least I have been acknowledged for once. (I'm SleepyJess by the way in case anyone remembers our housing dilemma..)

Sorry for the rant. Feel marginally better for it tho.

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 08:51

Ooh just seen your microscopic link Fio.. will read...

OP posts:
FioFio · 26/09/2006 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

desperateSCOUSEwife · 26/09/2006 08:53

speak to OT, social worker and the ombudsman re housing

say you cant cope and need help or you will have to place ds in care as it is getting too stressful
(threat of course but should get them thinking)

as for the dumps (sorry only way i can describe it as my ds2 does them too)
does he need a larger size nappy
find that pull up pants are harder to get into for ds
as he is a shit grabber too

re the smell

disenfect and bi carb in samll pot in corner of room should help
xxx

FioFio · 26/09/2006 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 26/09/2006 08:55

Message withdrawn

desperateSCOUSEwife · 26/09/2006 08:58

photos is great idea
or even a small video of what your situation is
give out copies to all relevant people re sw, OT etc

and even send one to cherie and tony blair and
al aynsley green the childrens minister

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 09:13

Oh God, I can't sent a picture of a shit-fest to the PM and his wife! I am sniggering at the thought.. (feel a little better today largely due to you lot). Thank you for the all the practical advice though. Photos worth a try but not some I had considered.. because we just get straight on with rectifying the situation.. but can see the benefits.

ggglimpopo, I quite proud to say I have done everything you have listed I think.. the letter I wrote earlier in the year, it is in this thread . I am sad to say that nothing came of us contacting the local press and appearing in the local paper, in the end, but the fact that we got recognised in the street and feeling a bit stupid. Our 'hero' (photographer/fireman) from the paper, we have not heard from again. Have seen in paper couple of times so I know he got back from Ukraine ok. Feel a little let down a silly over that, because we were celebrating that something was getting done at last.. and then it didn't..

The letter I sent last Thurs is here..

(sorry for length)

Dear Sir

Transfer application in respect of our disabled child

We have, for over two years now, been on the transfer list due to the unsuitability of our [x] Housing property, for the needs our disabled child Alex, now 6, who suffers from a form of cerebral palsy and other health problems. [x] Housing has, on various and numerous occasions, received letters in support of our application, from a number of Alex?s healthcare professionals as well as social services and our MP Hugh Robertson. (We have copies of all of these letters.) This is due to not only our own distress at the increasing urgency of our situation and our requests for letters of support, but also to the reactions of the healthcare and other professionals who visit Alex at home and see for themselves the detrimental effect on Alex, of the property in which we live.

The issues are manifold and are exacerbated by other problems within our family such as my husband?s disability (psoriatic arthritis; a painful and debilitating condition made worse by the need to carry Alex up and downstairs, as I or our older son cannot always be around to do this) and our older son?s cystic fibrosis (he is kept awake at night because of Alex? sleep problems ? part of Alex?s overall condition ? as the two boys have to share a room, and this has a detrimental effect on his ability to fight off the chest infections which are an inevitable and potentially life threatening part of cystic fibrosis.) There are many more issues which I could list, regarding how our housing situation affects Alex and us all, and which I listed in full to Hugh Robertson MP, to which he stated he was ?appalled? (I understand you had a letter from him late last year) but the main issue which is constantly at the forefront of our minds because it is more than just a practical issue causing us all inconvenience, is that Alex?s development is being hindered and affected. And as time goes on, the situation worsens and we will not be able to get back these months and years in which we could have assisted Alex in achieving his full potential if only his home environment had allowed.

I would like to state at this point that we are not unaware that the reason we have yet to be rehoused is connected with the shortage of suitable housing for disabled people. I am fully aware that this is a problem for many families, some of who are undoubtedly in a worse situation than we are. However, at the beginning of this year, we sought to make ourselves easier to re-house by requesting a reassessment by a paediatric social services occupational therapist in an attempt to seek a property specification that was less specialised. This new assessment took place in January and it was suggested by the OT that we consider a three-bedroom property that included two downstairs living rooms, one of which could be used as a bedroom for Alex. (I happen to know for certain that this type of social housing layout is not uncommon and considerably more common that 4 bedroom houses.) Ideally, and looking into the future, Alex will need proper downstairs living and bathroom facilities, but for him to just have a bedroom downstairs would be immeasurably more suitable than our current situation.

To date, we have still not had even one offer, ever, of a potentially suitable property despite the area we have stated we would be willing to consider being as wide as we could feasibly allow. Furthermore, my repeated attempts to ascertain whether or not the new information was being taken into account on our application have proved fruitless, as have my attempts to get an appointment with a housing officer, either at our house or your offices in order to discuss this issue face to face.

During recent research into possible ways to assist our housing application, it has come to my notice that our current housing situation is actually breaching Alex?s human rights on several counts. I was already aware that children have a right to live in conditions that do not hinder their development nor affect their ability to achieve their highest potential, and for Alex, I feel this is particularly poignant as every milestone that he has achieved so far has been particularly hard to come by. In the past year he has actually learnt to walk with a Kay Walker (to understand the implications of this achievement I imagine you would need to be a parent or close family member of a disabled child but rest assured it was a massive milestone for him) but Alex is prevented from doing so at home because there is no space for him to walk more than a few steps. And he cannot use his self-propelling wheelchair indoors for the same reason, nor can we wheel him into the house because we have no wheelchair access. Nor can we park outside our house as it is an Access Only walkway and you have stated that we can only park on our front garden if we get a professional drive laid which we cannot afford. Nor do we have a storage space for his wheelchair, walker and other pieces of mobility and therapy equipment. (They are all piled up in the small 4? x 4? (approx) area at the bottom of the stairs and we have had to refuse bathing and other equipment that Alex could have benefited from due to space restraints.) Alex is daily being made more disabled than he needs to be by our housing situation, specifically by space restraints. In the last two years, as his cognitive abilities develop, he has become increasingly frustrated, particularly in the winter months at home, when he is ?caged? (by necessity) into our small front room, with dog restraints at the doorways which we have to put there to prevent him accessing the stairs/the cooker in the kitchen. A more open plan environment would make the world of difference to him and us. In fact a bit more space, and a few disability facilities would enable him in so many ways, rather than further disable him, as is the case now.

I would like to draw your attention to these excerpts from the Convention on the Rights of the Child (1989):-

From article 23 and with relevance, in particular, to children with disabilities.

Article 23
7

  1. States Parties recognize that a mentally or physically disabled child should enjoy a full and decent
life, in conditions which ensure dignity, promote self-reliance and facilitate the child's active participation in the community.
  1. States Parties recognize the right of the disabled child to special care and shall encourage and
ensure the extension, subject to available resources, to the eligible child and those responsible for his or her care, of assistance for which application is made and which is appropriate to the child's condition and to the circumstances of the parents or others caring for the child.
  1. Recognizing the special needs of a disabled child, assistance extended in accordance with paragraph
2 of the present article shall be provided free of charge, whenever possible, taking into account the financial resources of the parents or others caring for the child, and shall be designed to ensure that the disabled child has effective access to and receives education, training, health care services, rehabilitation services, preparation for employment and recreation opportunities in a manner conducive to the child's achieving the fullest possible social integration and individual development, including his or her cultural and spiritual development
  1. States Parties shall promote, in the spirit of international cooperation, the exchange of appropriate
information in the field of preventive health care and of medical, psychological and functional treatment of disabled children, including dissemination of and access to information concerning methods of rehabilitation, education and vocational services, with the aim of enabling States Parties to improve their capabilities and skills and to widen their experience in these areas. In this regard, particular account shall be taken of the needs of developing countries.

And from Article 27,

Article 27

  1. States Parties recognize the right of every child to a standard of living adequate for the child's
physical, mental, spiritual, moral and social development.
  1. The parent(s) or others responsible for the child have the primary responsibility to secure, within
their abilities and financial capacities, the conditions of living necessary for the child's development.
  1. States Parties, in accordance with national conditions and within their means, shall take appropriate
measures to assist parents and others responsible for the child to implement this right and shall in case of need provide material assistance and support programmes, particularly with regard to nutrition, clothing and housing.

I would also like to state that I am only too aware that, ideally, we, as Alex?s parents, should be seeking to provide the home environment that would allow Alex to achieve his highest potential, both physically and psychologically, but ours is a situation which due to no fault of our own (my husbands registered disabled status which currently, and for the foreseeable future, prevents both him and subsequently myself from working and also due to the needs of all three children (in the case of both boys, special needs) does not allow us to do this. However, this does not mean that we are willing to let the months and years pass and the opportunities for Alex to develop as well as he might, pass with them., without a fight. I am currently working towards a degree that I hope may improve our circumstances in the future, but I cannot make this happen soon enough to provide Alex with the living conditions that he needs and whilst we might be unavoidably failing him from a financial and material point of view, this does not mean that we are willing to sit back and fail him in all respects. With this in mind, and with this letter as a starting point, I have now decided that I am going to fight for Alex?s human rights to be recognised and accounted for, which is no more than most parents would do as I?m sure you will agree. His life is, and will always be, enough of a challenge without avoidable obstacles, such as a lack of space and facilities at home, affecting his development further. My older son also, has a right to sleep at night, for his precarious health to be preserved as much as we, as his parents, can possibly manage and my daughter, in fact all of us, have a right not to be continually affected by the stress that our situation is placing us under. Life has thrown us enough challenges without our mental health being affected and both my husband and I have been in counseling in the past year, a fact which you can verify should you require to, upon which you would discover that a major source of our stress, as discussed with the counsellor, has been our housing situation.

I hope you can appreciate that I am writing to you now is some desperation and for this reason I am sending a copy of this letter to Hugh Robertson MP who requested to be kept informed of our housing predicament. I would appreciate a response within a week and you should know that I am considering contacting the Meridian Newsdesk about this matter, as I have been advised to repeatedly (primarily by healthcare professionals) but which I have resisted doing until now. I realise that you do not have an abundance of properties at your disposable but also feel that it is feasible that something fitting our needs and within the approximately 20 mile radius we have stated, should have arisen within the last year if not before.

Yours faithfully

[ShinyHappy]

Now we are waiting to see what will happen next.

Am smiling about thought of DS in leotards and ballet tights.. must contravene a few human rights I think.. but hey who cares! He is going to wear some of DD's tights to bed next Sat for sure. ANd lovely JimJams is sending me some new (to me!) all-in-ones next week.

And ggglimpopo, my next port of call, if no joy from this last letter, is contact the children's rights ombudman, who I think might be called a children's rights commisioner actually.. am reseaching that at the moment.

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEwife · 26/09/2006 09:20

great letter
but send copies vie cc
to tony blair
al aynsley green
social worker
gp
consultants
OT
housing
press
local mp
local govt ombudsman
disabled charities

and state on letters the cc
to all these people
it will shit them up
good luck
xxx

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 09:27

Well we had a phone call on Fri to say that someone new to our case was going to go through our file this week and get back to us early next week. And we had a letter the next day saying same thing.. so maybe I should wait for next contact before sending copies to others do you think? If I don't like the outcome next week, I can TELL them I'm going to do it.. by letter I think, phone calls are largely ignored and not logged... and then go ahead and do it.

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEwife · 26/09/2006 09:29

I would give them till friday then happy
then send all letters off

I was in your situation and it wasnt until I started kicking off that i got somewhere
good luck
xxx

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 09:31

Well done you. I do kick off.. but obviously my previous kicking-off has not been at a sustained-enough level..

OP posts:
hub2dee · 26/09/2006 09:49

Great letter sj. Hope it has the desired result v. quickly, and if it doesn't I hope the ccs might.

2Babies0Bumps · 26/09/2006 09:54

i think by now someone has probably suggested, but dh said to me last night, maybe you could get hold of some sleepsuits with a zip and put them on him back to front?
dont know where you could get them this big but just an idea?
other than that i cant help. can only say you are both doing a brilliant job. x

hub2dee · 26/09/2006 10:05

IMHO it might be worth contacting the photographer again with an 'I know you've been away, I was wondering if we might try and move forward with our campaign, can you still help ?' (or even an 'I know you're busy, but just thought I'd call to give you an update' etc. etc.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 10:23

I had considered that Hub, but decided I'd rather try and kick ass with the HA instead. The gesture from the photographer was totally unexpected and unprecendented and he promised so much and assured us all we had to do with say yes, and he would go ahead and that he will be keeping us posted constantly etc. etc... and we were almost speechless with gratitude.. .. so much so that I feel strange about contacting him and saying 'well? What's happening then?'. He must know he's failed to follow this up as promised, Maybe he's got a good reason who knows.. but we've heard nothing and for some reason I am loathe the ask him about it.. call it pride I suppose. Which comes before a fall I know.. but the HA are easier for me to 'deal with' somehow.. I dropped all pretences of pride with them, a long time ago, apart from this new approach of pointing out the breaches of Alex's human rights.

OP posts:
milward · 26/09/2006 10:25

Great letter - so sorry that nothing has been done before and that it takes this to actually get the housing that you need.

I hope things work out xxx

hub2dee · 26/09/2006 10:38

I can understand your reluctance (and need to focus on HA), but either - he got excited and has put in place certain things but nothing has happened yet, or, he got excited, tried to kick off some activities but nothing materialised. If the first, I doubt he'd mind a friendly 'any news / anything we can do to help etc.' and if the second maybe your call would spur him into action, or allow him to say 'really sorry, snowed under at the mo.' etc. etc. Also, if he is a very 'passionate' sort of person, but sometimes finds it hard to follow through, you 'chasing him' (in the friendly manner I'm sure you would) might just be the incentive he needs to try and do more networking for you.

Got to be worth a shot. X

dislexicicecream · 26/09/2006 17:06

hi
i just read your post dunno didnt relly have time to read all the replys so im sorry if i am repeeting something that has alredy been said,
i had this prob with ds1 a good few years ago now (dont worry he WILL grow out of it)this is what i did
i put his nappies on back words b4 bed time , then his all in one sute on back words aswell , it stoped him for quite a while
as for the smell try useing the powder u get for cat litter boxes but use it like a shake and vac, also go to pet shop and bye some of the carpet shampoo for when dogs or cats mess in the house, and use it on the walls and anywhere else u need to, u can even add some to water and put in a spray bottle and spray any hard to reach bits (my worset was the time i found he had shoved it behind the wall heater!)
good luck.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 18:05

Oh God, poo behind the heater! Thank you DI, some good practical advice there

OP posts:
misdee · 26/09/2006 18:17

right, i have a suggestion, throw it out if you will. the eczema clothing company i use for dd's do all in ones, with buttons at the back. would he be able to get out of this?

dd1 could, but she is double jointed. dd2 cant.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 26/09/2006 18:39

I will check them out Misdee. Think I have seen them online before but disregarded at the time due to cost but worth looking into again, thanks x

OP posts:
dislexicicecream · 26/09/2006 19:32

yes it wasnt to nice, but it was then that i descuverd i could lift and pull heaters away from the wall a bit so could rech behind much easyer when i paint now to so i guess i learnd something from it,
anouther god send is a steam cleaner, 30£ in woolies .

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 28/09/2006 09:43

There is someone from the housing association coming to see us at 4.15 today. She just phoned and said could she come and for me to have available the paperwork relating to the most recent assessment done by the social services Occupational therary dept. Bet they haven't been taking it into account!

Oh well; least it will be good and chaotic with the kids being hyper (as they are after school) and Alex causing merry hell at her feet!! (Perhaps I should arrange for him to dump a turd onto her shoe like someone's child on this thread did.. but not sure it would help our case that much.. )

Will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
hub2dee · 28/09/2006 10:53

good luck sj.

jerikaka · 30/09/2006 08:47

I haven't read the whole of this message, but I have a similar problem with poo with my 3yr old who has asd. There are a couple of tips that I have picked up. I have been told not to leave a drink for my ds as water stimulates the digestive system into functioning first thing in the morning, so this may delay the poo from coming out. The other thing is to move their meal times by an hour or two to see if you can get them to poo later as well. My ds was waking at 5am taking his nappy off and pooing on the floor, situation is not so bad now and we give him stickers if he keeps his nappy on. We also have towels all over the floor which makes it easier to clean up. I hope this helps.