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SN children

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Original poster

why oh why can't parents teach their children no to....

79 replies

2shoes · 23/09/2006 22:56

stare?
dd has cp and is in a wheelchair. I get so fed up with little kids staring. don't mind the ones who are just curious. You can tell the difference and I usually speak to them . But fgs some of them nearly fall over they are staring so much. And if I make a comment the mum will say "well thy are only 4" or something a long those lines. no sorry or anything polite.
surely they are never too young to learn good manners.

OP posts:

Thomcat · 24/09/2006 18:05

My friends husband only has one leg. He has a special one made for swimming. While he was on holiday he caused quite a stir on the beach with all the kids. He told them it had been bitten off by a shark.

nikkie · 24/09/2006 18:16

dd1s swimmming teacher only has one leg .All the kids are facinated by the false ones , he regularly gets kids shouting down the corridor at him and when he taught dd2s group once in the shallow pool all the kids gathered round to look at his leg and poke it He takes in all very well and is always answering questions for them etc.Once the older ones have seen him swim (he was a special olypic medal winner) they don't mention it again!

lemonaid · 24/09/2006 18:40

Small children do stare, though. They stare at interesting cars, they stare at big dogs, they stare at pretty sparkly things in shop windows. It means they are interested.

I am actually a bit confused by your message here. Is it that children who stare and have the social skills and confidence to follow it up with questions are OK but those who are more reticent/shy are not? There are plenty of four-year-olds who might be fascinated by something but would never ask a stranger a question about it (the "don't talk to strangers" thing doesn't help).

Agree 100% that parents who notice their children staring should try and direct it into some kind of sensible conversation rather than "just staring". But if they don't then I don't see that shouting at the child is the answer.

Original poster

2shoes · 24/09/2006 19:31

lemonaid
I think you would feel differntly after years of it. It is a constant thing every time you go out.
wears you down in the end.
i don't think the excuse that they are such and such an age is good enough
I understand that sometimes there are reason for it. and this thread has been really helpful in showing me that.
i agree that not all children have the confidence to ask or speak but when the parents are right there surely they should be able to help the child.
as for shouting you had to be there that was one time when all else failed.
we have learnt to try(and it is bloody hard) to ignore it or laugh but it is not easy.

OP posts:

FioFio · 24/09/2006 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

2shoes · 24/09/2006 19:59

fio he and my dh have a lot in common

OP posts:

Original poster

2shoes · 24/09/2006 20:03

you know the easy answer to my question was......

You can't but the parents can make things better by saying hello or getting the child to say hello

OP posts:

SSSandy · 24/09/2006 20:07

ok noted

Jimjams2 · 24/09/2006 20:09

I don't mind young children staring, but ime the real gawpers are teenagers, and really they should be told, or poked in the ribs by their parents- they are old enough to understand.

Oracle · 24/09/2006 20:19

I don't mind young children staring, but ime the real gawpers are teenagers, and really they should be told, or poked in the ribs by their parents- they are old enough to understand.

Not if they autistic as my 19 year old son is - sorry but you can not make sweeping statements. Again he is a 6ft 4in lad who looks like any other 19 year old but he is not just like any other 19 year old. He and his brother are both lookers but they are both diabled themselves.

Oracle

Jimjams2 · 24/09/2006 20:22

Oh god I'm not talking autistic teenages, (I can generally spot them). I'm taling the ones staring at my autistic son lying on the ground screaming.

TBH I rarely make eye contact with anyone when out wiith him these days, so if people want to be entertained by ds1 they can be.

lemonaid · 24/09/2006 23:04

I'm sure it's hideous going through it again and again so that even though it's different children each time it feel like it's the same bloody children staring and staring and staring.

I do think that the excuse that they are such and such an age is good enough, for the children. Small children are going to stare, just as they are occasionally going to throw food or have a tantrum or any number of other things that we wouldn't accept from adults. But part of the job of parents is to teach them the more acceptable behaviours. So any "she's only four" should be accompanied by "We've been talking about people's differences and how she shouldn't stare, but she hasn't quite got the hang of it yet" -- either actually stated or strongly implied. And there should definitely be a "sorry" even if just as an acknowledgement that you are upset. We're British, for God's sake... we're supposed to say "sorry" for everything...

MamaMaiasaura · 24/09/2006 23:11

Just had to post on here about an incident today at legoland. Was waiting in long old queue (my goodness it was heaving there today) and nearly got to the top. From a side gate came a woman with her son. Neither appeared to have any SN but you never know. THis family behind me tutted and i overheard the husband saying that if they had to push in they should be via a secret entrance and not rub our noses in it! When ds asked why they went first I explaied that they couldn t wait as long as us as I thought one of them was a bit poorly. I also said (a bit louder) that we were lucky we had our health as it meant we could do lots of things and not worry about getting tired out too quick.

I was so cross for the mum and son (I presume) as they must feel 'angry' glares from the ignorant pigs like the man behind us.

Original poster

2shoes · 24/09/2006 23:18

lemonaid thanks you kind of said what I was trying very badly to get across
Awen sounds like they don't organise it very well as that would be embarrasing.
we went to drusillars a while back
took dd on the train there was a masive que but because we were going on the wheelchair part. we had to wait in a separate place(no que) so no one really saw...except a boy from ds's school but ds enjoyed that lol

OP posts:

Jimjams2 · 24/09/2006 23:24

ahh lemonaid that's so true, and it brings up the question of when it stops being OK. If ds1 is kicking off I don't mind anyone looking, I don't mind young chidren staring, but 8+ I do get pissed off. maybe I'm expecting them to get it earlier than is reasonable, judging by the teens I am, but I wonder when it does become reasonable (SN aside) to expect someone not to stare.

colditz · 24/09/2006 23:56

I think if kids are without their parents, they should be old enough not to stare. If with their parents, the parents should be apologising.

I had the most horrificly embarrassing experience a few weeks ago. Ds1 like to copy noises that stand out, because it is part of his SALT that he copies noises and mouth movements for a few minutes every day, and we reward him for trying hard with this.

We were in a cafe, and a woman who I see around (small town) quite often came in with her daughter, who uses a wheelchair, and is quite disabled. She doesn't speak, but she does make a lot of loud noises.

Ds1 didn't even see them come in, but as soon as she (the daughter) started making noises, he started copying, loudly and clearly. I tried so hard to explain to him that now was not a good time, but in his world it isn't strange for people to start making noises at him and for him to copy. I really didn't want to put him off copying, it has taken so long to get him to do it in the first place! We couldn't leave, I had ordered food. I wanted the ground to swallow me.

jasper · 25/09/2006 00:21

2shoes thanks for this

FioFio · 25/09/2006 08:56

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wannaBe1974 · 25/09/2006 14:53

I am at an advantage here, I can't see the people staring, lol.

Seriously though, kids I don't have an issue with, esp if they ask questions, after all how will they ever learn? if they don't ask questions then they will grow into the ignorant, adults which i despise. I remember once when I was about 11 going into a shop with my sister, and a woman started talking to us, then she turned to my sister and said "is she" and then whispered "blind?" and said allowed "your sister?". to which I replied "yes blind, not deaf".

As for people not knowing what is helping/interfeering, I think that often it never hurts to ask. Generally I have no issue with people stroking my guide dog, if people hold a door open for me I am generally extremely grateful, especially if I have dog in one hand and ds holding the other, and I always thank them. But people who decide that it's safe for me to cross a road and then try and drag me across despite the fact that I am trying to explain to ds that there are no dars and we should cross, annoy me intensely. I think that if in doubt, just ask if a person needs help, or would like help or is ok.

suedenley · 25/09/2006 16:52

I wouldnt like to judge another child who was staring at my son if i didnt know them ,as that would make me hypocritcal, i dont know if they are ;

shy
frightened to ask or
have a disability themselves

and really we ourselves, are who we are because of our children, were all of us so understanding before we had them do you think
It doesnt make someone a bad parent just because they havent ever had to think what its like to be the parent of a child with a disability and what its like for a child with a disability
i think perhaps if it bothers you next time say hello this is my dd she is called x whats your name instead of getting angry get informative people wont change unless they understand .

FioFio · 25/09/2006 16:55

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

2shoes · 25/09/2006 21:20

suedenley kind of agree with and agree that speaking to a child and being friendly is a good idea.
but can you explain how I am suppose to get round the supermarket/swimming pool/drusilars if I have to stop and chat to every little child??

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 25/09/2006 21:23

yep fio it was in M&S in Cardiff. I went in to buy various things and the woman helping me was somewhat patronising and part way round the shop she asked "so how do you manage to cook then?" I explained that I cooked the same as anyone else does, and that actually, I consider myself to be quite good at it. to which she replied "and does the dog help with that at all?" twas somewhat difficult to keep a straight face.

On more than one occasion though I've been shopping and when I've got to the till the assistant has asked me where I parked my car.

chipmonkey · 25/09/2006 22:43

LOL at the dog helping with the cooking! I can just imagine him with his apron and tall chef's hat!
I think the asking where you've parked the car is the type of braindeadness you get from asking the same questions over and over again each day. I'm an optometrist and have often asked a patient:
"Do you wear glasses?" when they are actually wearing their glasses!
Ds1 was very articlate at age 3 and would often loudly ask questions about people, once about a very overweight lady at the swimming pool, another time he pointed out a black man in the doctor's waiting room and described him as a "funny man" (There weren't many black people in Dublin at the time) I did explain that it was rude to pass remarks but it took a long time to sink in!

suedenley · 25/09/2006 22:49

Hi 2shoes
No not suggesting you talk to them all but just a couple and if you find a different reason for there staring or a change in attitude once youve spoken to them it may lift your spirt when faced with this in future.
For myself i dont find a problem with kids staring as they are inquisitive, its adults staring that drives me nuts ive tried my own advice and explained son is asd and been told .... Perhaps you shouldnt let him out then ?????

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