why oh why can't parents teach their children no to....

[2shoes]

stare?
dd has cp and is in a wheelchair. I get so fed up with little kids staring. don't mind the ones who are just curious. You can tell the difference and I usually speak to them . But fgs some of them nearly fall over they are staring so much. And if I make a comment the mum will say "well thy are only 4" or something a long those lines. no sorry or anything polite.
surely they are never too young to learn good manners.

mumandlovingit, in older peoples day werent disabled children often put into homes?

broodyelsa - i know exactly how you feel and i think you put it very well. i like to think i treat people the same no matter what (and i'm not just talking disabilities) - but of course i don't... and trying to do the right thing and not say the wrong thing is a minefield because i'm so good at putting my big foot in it... the thing is like you my intentions are the most genuine.

Institutions, yes they were sent away becasue of the shame, not knowing how to deal with it etc

thats awful! if you have a child that child is yours to love and cherish and look after no matter what disabiliies or differences it might have.you look after that child and help it through life like you would any other child you had that didnt have the same problems.all children have their own unique differences and shouldnt be turned away or shut away or unloved because of them.its really sad.

2shoes I can see how it must get on your tits
I would hate for my kids to be gawpers so if we see anyone in a wheelchair I point it out in passing and talk about it and they are just like " Yeah mum" and it's a bit so-what to them so I'm boring them rigid and they will see past wheelchairs and see the person and not be gawpingly curious

I don't mean I talk about it as though it is a circus side show, I talk about different ways of getting around and how the chair might be powered etc and what kind of control it has.......(middle class PC guilt creeping in there, sorry)

My two and a half year old stares at everyone and everything. I hesitate to tell her off for doing so, as I know it's just out of curiosity, and the more she knows something to be normal the less she will stare, so surely it is a good thing? I'm sorry if you consider this rude,; it never occurred to me the she was being rude.

I try to teach my DS (5) not to stare but he then wants to know the difference between looking and staring! I try to get him to see past the wheelchair (or whatever) and to see the person. He is another one that is fascinated by wheelchairs though. Esp the motorised ones.

I agree that there is a huge difference in young children staring - most people know that it is just the that they are inherently curious creatures. Would agree that adults (or older children) staring is just damn rude.

After reading some threads on here I am much more aware that the child I see in total meltdown in a supermarket may not just be being a "brat" but may be autistic or have some other behavioural issues. But should I just ignore it? I would like to give the parent/carer a sympathetic smile but is that being patronising? What do I say to DS if he asks why the child is behaving like that?

Yes I agree with you Budababe, just what is the etiquette? DD is 3 and will look and ask lots of questions, and like Budababe I feel like giving the sympathetic smile but don't want to appear patronising, it's very difficult.

2shoes - my children always stare at other children in wheelchairs. My 6yo whispers and my 2yo always rushes up and says hello to the wheelchair user, then pulls back in shock and disappointment. He clings to my leg and soemtimes he cries.

This isnt because he is curious or because we haven't taught him manners. Its because he thinks its his big brother, who died last year. He's only 2 and he doesnt understand he wont see him again.

Things arent always what they seem.

Kristina, that's sad. As you say things aren't always as they seem

Forgot to say, my Dh looks away and sometimes cries.He is still upset today because we saw a child at the park yesterday who reminded him of DS1. Maybe we are the embarassed parenst who drag our child away

so sorry, can't imagine what you and you're family went through, got a tear in my eye for you x

What I have tried to do is to explain the situation quietly to the kids, and then to point out that the person probably gets very fed up of being started at/ponted at etc. And that this probably bugs them more than being in a wheel chair/having hearning aids /whatever. they kids are now reasonaby good about it all

{{{{KristinaM}}}}
2Shoes, I'm trying my best to teach my children that people are all different yet are all the same, whether they use wheelchairs, are deaf (like my parents) or have other disabilities. I'm encouraging them to ask questions if they are curious about something as I feel this is a much better attitude than looking away in embarrassment. For small children with social skills very much in their infancy(!) I think that they probaby do stare. I do tell them not to and that this could make someone uncomfortable - it's an ongoing process.
FWIW, like Kristina, we do have a family situation that perhaps exacerbates the children's reaction. My mum was diagnosed with MS two years ago and has now got a collection of walking frames and wheelchairs. They are trying to make sense of mum's condition and are very interested in the reasons that other people use mobility aids.

I have just had a fantastic trip to the local shop with my 2.

as we were going in an older man came out...with one of his legs amputated above the knee.
Quick as a flash DS shouts...look mum a pirate!

there was me, trying depsratly to quiet him down, "shh no its not a pirate its a man...." and the man pipes up " yeah my names blackbeard and a shark bit my leg off when i fell off my boat"
in a proper pirates voice.

DS was gobsmacked. this man was lovely he sat and talked to ds for about 10 minutes all about his 'pirate adventures'

DS is now completly obsessed with pirates and has dug his big ship from the bottom of his play cupboard.

The man said how he preffered little kids as they were always honest, they were fascinated and so they told him. it was, as everyone else has said..the adults that are too rude or ignorant that offend him.

I do understand what a lot of you are saying and realise(and this thread has helped a lot) that things are not always what they see,
But...
the little girl in the Que in front of us who stood and stared..parents ignored it. Why couldn't they have got her to say hello?
The little girl in the supermarket who followed us around staring..when ds shouted at her and I said something to the mother did I get the stock "oh she's only 4" reply
the little girl in gamleys tripping over her own feet cos she was staring so much...yes once again"she's only little..
I understand it is hard I look at wheelchairs forgetting I haven't got dd with me. quite often I have to speak to people (what a lovely chair type thing)
I just wish the parents would encourage the children to say hello

a long time ago when dd was little but at the age when if nt she would have been walking we were in a shop.
a little tot asked me "can she walk
I said no
she said"can she talk"
I said no
(whole shop froze at this point)
she said "can she whisper"
at this point we all fell about laughing dd included
we still laugh about it to this day.

How much nicer that being stared at

fattiemumma what a lovely man

DD knows not to stare we had a conversation about it about a year and ahalf ago - she is 6 now.

DS is a different matter (nearly 2) and is obsessed by anything with wheels and so will stare and if possible try and climb aboard or push it himself!!! Had to be terribly apologetic on our crap holiday camp holiday this year when we thought he was dancing with DD on the dance floor and he was really trying to abduct some poor little girl in her wheelchair!!!

A man we used to see out and about a lot really earned the admiration of my older two the day he took his leg off for them - they thought it was so cool!

Twinkie1 dd would have loved that
my uncle does that(hasn't for ds yet so must ask)
Can I ask the mums of dc's who have meltdowns
If you are out and your child has one how do want people to help.
Was just thinking about this.

dd1 once whispered to me loudly 'mum why has that man only got one arm' the man tunred round and smiled, taking this as a cue, i told dd1 to ask him, she shyly asked him, and he told her that a dog had run off with it' dd1 laughed so much. he also said kids can be the most honest inquisitve and non-judging people he meets.

dd2 is 'only 4' but sees wheelchairs daily, has grown up with kids with splints and me saying silly things like 'nephew legs are on the floor' when he leaves his splints lying about. she doesnt stare, but sometimes i have to restrain her near wheelchairs as she gets a bit flappy and twirly. something about them gets her over-excited., and she goes crashing into them. so if you see a wavy brown haired girl twirling near your wheelchair and a mother yelling 'watch out' followed by a groan as she falls, then me restraining and calming her, you know its us.

That's a lovely image Misdee!

Kids do say the funniest things - we were on holiday in Vienna when DS was 2 and we were sitting in hotel having breakfast and a (very) black gentleman came and sat behind us. DS looks and says (loundly of course) "Mummy that man has chocolate all over his face" - I was mortified. Thankfully the guy though it was funny - I had to explain that we lived in Bulgaria and DS hadn't seen a black person up close before.

Loved the story of the "pirate" man. DS would have loved that. We saw a woman on holiday a few years ago and she had a false leg which she used to change before she got into the swimming pool. DS was fascinated - I was too TBH. I was full of admiration that she just sat and calmly got on with it.

Has anyone read the Woman Magazine this week? I ask because there is a article in the magazine about a little boy who was badly burnt in a fire and now looks very different to the way he was At the foot of the articel the magazine have posted the following

Looking different how to deal with your child's curiosity.

Don't tell them not to stare. Looking is important for children and is also part of making friends.

Don't try to stop them from asking questions they might make up a story in their own heads that is not true.

It goes on to say that you should give answers that are as straightforward as possible.

This of ocurse was written with the little boy in mind but it is all about looking different.

I am not saying that I agree with this but they probably got it from some psycologist or other.

As a Mum with two autistic sons I think I just grew an extra thick hide when they were having a public meltdown and looking different.

It has also made me think long and hard about inclusion. School is only the begining and my experience has been that we have a long way to go before people with disabilities are accepted and included into mainstream society

My son loves to find out what is wrong with someone and it's not him being nosey or inappropriate it give him an opening to explain that he is autistic and dare I say proud of it It's not easy which ever way you come at this from.

Oracle

By the way, I wasn't trying to excuse my social inappropriateness, I suppose I was subtley (ish) asking for advice on how people would prefer me to act?

Treating people the same sounds easy enough, but it's much harder to do in principal. Most often people ignore each other, and I find that pretty rude. But I do struggle with social situations general (though I do not have an ASD as far as I am aware) so maybe others do know how to act.

Anyway, I just mean that often people aren't rude on purpose, they just don't know how to react. I know it can't be easy for those on the other end of things, and I would like to learn how to avoid such awkwardness.