Sometimes having a SN child is just rubbish

[MooMummyMoo]

A self indulgent moan really. Just fed up. I know I should find the whole situation fulfilling and I should be telling people how much my wonderful SN DD teaches me everyday etc etc. but frankly, sometimes it's just rubbish and I hate it.

Earlier I left my DD with a book to look through - one of her favourites. When I came back she has shredded (and eaten a fair bit) of one page. This isn't hugely unusual but I find massively annoying. I shout, she just laughs, I get more angry.

She then later pulls her sisters hair. Also not uncommon but I am still simmering from before.

And now she is sat in a baby's bib (aged 4) as she is sitting spitting/dribbling and won't stop.

I hate days like this. I know all children can get to you at times but for some reason the SN element makes it all the more harder to deal with.

As I say, I am just moaning, but I need to let off steam somewhere and here is the only place I can do it.

I have really mixed feelings about the holidays. I spend weeks dragging myself towards them, looking forward to no school runs, no admin, no constant back and forthing with the SENCO and TA and allowing ds to 'just be'. On the other hand I know having all three dcs in the house together for 6 weeks is a recipe for daily fights and social misunderstandings.

It doesn't help that I don't drive and our pup has separation anxiety, so we can't even go out for long unless it's dog-walking.

We have to get into a routine/timetable for ds1, then the other two resent being so restricted, because they want to just go with the flow.

I told my next door neighbour of 11 years that ds1 has ASD yesterday. They are a lovely couple and must have the patience of saints to put up with the screams and racket he makes during meltdowns (hence me not wanting to upset them more by leaving the dog to cry if we go out). The wife actually works at a special school, although I don't know what she does there. He opened up to me a little about some difficulties they have been having and I decided it was finally time to share, not least of all because I thought it might help if they knew why there's regular screaming and crashing sounds coming from our house. He was lovely about it and it's a load off my mind as I've worried all this time about them thinking something dire was going on and calling ss or something and that just added to the stress during meltdowns etc.

thornrose I do think counselling helps, especially if you have no-one else to talk to in rl. I went for private therapy when I had depression when ds2 was a baby and just being able to say it all out loud and not be judged was a huge help in itself.

Actually my therapist was a little bit rubbish, but lovely and going to see her once a week gave me a reason to do my makeup, put on some decent clothes - and of course get an hour's break from the kids, so despite her not actually doing much 'therapising', having a sympathetic ear and an outlet for my distress and frustration helped me through and definitely made me feel less invisible. I do have to say, that I was on antidepressants at the time too and I think you do need both to be able to work through your issues if you really struggle with anxiety etc.

The holidays for us represent the last few weeks of a very long ten months. DS has been at home since he was excluded in October, and in all that time I've been nothing but a carer. We've also had to fight tooth and nail for his ss place so it's been stressful as well.

Our marriage has suffered, there have been weeks where I haven't been able to leave the house. Basically our lives have stopped.

Throughout it all, my mum has repeatedly said to me "I wish I could do more to help you, but my job makes it impossible". She works full time and isn't exactly well off. Today she told me that next year, once DS is back at school, she is going to start using her flexi time to have a day off every fortnight so we can go to town together.

Apparently she won't lose any money doing this. I know I am probably being a total bitch about this, but why couldn't she have done this THIS year and given us some respite? She claims she doesn't have a problem looking after DS alone, and she'll sometimes have him for an afternoon at weekends. She's watched our lives fall apart and has never once taken a day off to help out despite saying she desperately wishes she could. Even a day a month would have helped.

I just feel like next year, when I haven't got DS all day, I'll be fun again and worth taking time off to be with. But now, when I'm stressed and depressed and at the end of my rope, work is more important.

If she doesn't think she can cope with him, or doesn't really want to, then why say it at all?