Why are some people against special schools?

[adrianna22]

.....especially at a young age.

I was talking to a mum who has a child with ASD, and I was talking to her and then she began to say that when her DS was young "...he did not go to a special school, he has loads of friends now" etc. I was struck at the bit when she said about the special school, so I began to tell her that I want my four year old DS to go to a special school and her face was in disgust.

She was like "no way, he is too young, wait a bit his language will get better, special school is not needed, it's just a language- disorder delay he will get better" and I began to question her that is it "earlier to get the help as much as possible" but there was no way she would change her mind about special schools...then back to her DS she said that he was going to attend a special school when he starts high school and I just gave a (Hmmmm) look.

I don't know, is DS too young to go to a special school? Or maybe I should wait a bit as everyone is so against it.

My son has been in special school for a year and it is fab. He has been on trips, taken part happily in performances and sports day. The environment suits him better. I think the group he has been with this year, some of them may be a bit more severely affected than him and he has copied behaviours at times, but this has passed. His language has come along. Looking forward, I think he may benefit from some therapies over and above what is offered in his school and I have come to terms with the fact that I will probably have to find a way to pay for them. In MS, as lovely as they were there, I felt like he was a nuisance and getting in the way and nobody spoke to me in the school playground! In my opinion, we should not need special schools but the human race has got a long way to go before that happens. It's not the kids - I take my son out and about to local parks and local kids still remember him and want to come over and play with him. But the parents, although not unpleasant, can't wait to get away. I wonder what age this changes?

I do think it's more tricky where a child is more socially aware but has considerable learning difficulties. I think there are issues around self esteem and expectation etc. My son's social awareness and learning difficulties don't make this an issue.

Zzzz I respect you hugely but regarding denial it has caused a huge problem in my family , I have posted endlessly about it , mil views have caused endless rows between dp and myself and I'm finding it very hard , it's like she's rejecting my beautiful daughter for a fantasy child

Thanks zzzz

I think I was in denial until very recently and was sure that my ds age 8 was far too able for the local sld/asd school. I wanted an mld school or an asd specific school for him.

He starts SS in September and having seen the place a few times now I can see there are quite a number of children who are much more "with it" and more able than ds.

I've actually grieved about the fact that he is going to a SS and I don't think my feelings are that unusual. Just like many mainstream parents think little NT Jocasta or Casper is a cruelly unrecognised genius many parents with kids with Sn may underestimate the severity of the SN.

I also know a number of parents who say that if they had their time again they would have considered SS earlier but say they didn't want to let go of the hope that m/s would work out.

I really agree with lougle's earlier post about the difference between children with lds and those with lds and autism and their experience of M/s.

I don't think it's 'denial'. I think it's an ignorance of what a special school can achieve for a child who has MLD.

In many areas, parents can't even look around a special school unless the LA sanctions it.

I remember so clearly waiting for DD1'S first Saturday respite club to open. My eyes wandered to a cluster of girls. One of them was sitting in a wheelchair/buggy and the other two were standing and talking/bouncing up and down/flapping their hands. I remember clearly thinking 'Oh dd1 really is 'mild' compared to those girls.... Where is DD1?.....'. I suddenly realised that one of the girls in that cluster was DD1 herself -she had fitted in so seamlessly that I hadn't even realised it was her.

It can be bittersweet to realise that your child's fits beautifully worth this group of children with SN. I feel joyous that she is 'at home' at her school. Yet I still marvel that as able as we see her, she doesn't look out of place amongst the range of children she spends her day with. Her school is a complete mix, too. Children with PMLD who are completely reliant on adult support; children who use standers/wheelchairs/kaye walkers/legs to mobilise; children who use PECS/Makaton/speech/eye gaze; children who take food via PEG/NG/NJ/puree/soft lump/regular food. She's just like them.

I see her as so 'normal' in so many ways, because at special school she is celebrated for her strengths and weaknesses are quietly worked on. I actually find that I catch my breath when I see 'regular' 8.6 year old. There is a young lady in our church (on the rare occasion that DD1 can cope with Church) that was born 6 weeks before DD1. I find myself staring at her as if she is an alien being -I am fascinated by how 'old' she seems. Then I have to remind myself that it's DD1 who is 'young'.

My DS attended a unit attached to mainstream and is now at mainstream secondary. When viewing his school the HT said that in general the children from DS' unit did well bit that in some cases although the Ep and primary school recommended a special school, the parents still insisted on mainstream and in all of these cases it didn't work out so I think there is still a fair bit of denial out there

It was different for us we were told the day dd2 was diagnosed to look at units and sp sch and we were sent a letter with contact details , then dd2s portage worker took me round the provisions

I have seen children for whom MS hasn't worked - it tends to be as simple as they have no friends. For those where it does work, they do have some friends (even if they share restricted interests etc.).

One of the reasons it's working for DS2 is that he has friends. It'll never be the sort of equal friendship you would have amongst developmentally equivalent peers, and there has been a bit of petting going on, mostly when he was a lot younger, but there are children whose company he seeks out and enjoys (and who adore him in return). As we live in a village, it's important to us that he is known and accepted as part of our local community, in this way, instead of merely being known as that weird kid who jumps and shrieks a lot.

And MS got past its shelf life for DS1. It wasn't so much friendship as the whole experience being utterly overwhelming for him.

zzzz - you may disagree with what I've said, but I have listened to a speech and language therapist talk for 15 years about the denial she has come across in her clients' parents, especially fathers.

Zzzz

Nobody is saying that it's denial if someone disagrees with the sort of provision proposed. Indeed I have agreed in the past with provision but probably could still have been considered in denial.

In the circumstances I described the profs gave advice as was their job, the parents disagreed as was their right. It didn't work out in that the children were unable to cope in mainstream and moved to SS.

In my experience from dealing with lots of health professionals over the years as well as education profs and friends there are many people in denial about the extent of their children's difficulties especially in those years when the gap between them and their peers just starts to widen more.
i don't think there are many people in denial about their child having some difficulties but I think some are about the extent of it

There's quite a few people on MNSN had problems with getting their partners on board, zzzzz. You and I don't have that problem, but many do. Even I find that I'm the one who does al the thinking and problem solving with the boys. DH is the sort who will do something a dozen times and not be able to fathom out why he gets the same lousy result, every single time. I sometimes have to work harder with him to change a pattern of behaviours than I do with them.

You only have to count up the number of people there are in society who have questionable attitudes towards disability and neurodisability in particular to realise that many of these people will find themselves a parent to a child with a disability and a need to adjust their thinking fast. Not everyone is able to take on board their adjusted role as a parent as readily as others and some, like Autumn's DP, will be constantly fed the line that there's nothing wrong, that a bit more discipline will sort things out, or that the child is just "all boy".

You and I are well read and able to find support and answers in forms other than face to face, with the people close to us. Not everybody has that ability or the confidence in that ability. We also have the benefit of having not embarked on this SN parenting thing with nothing more than a Daily Mail view of disability up our sleeve.

I think we all want our children to be the perfect child when they are born and usually have high aspirations for them and I know I "grieved" for a time that my son wouldn't be able to just fit happily in at school and everywhere else and I remember grieving that we were looking at a specialist unit but to be fair they were treating them like 3 year olds.
I worked for a children's hospice service and the research is that a lot of men are unable to cope with the fact they will lose their children and that indeed they do deny a certain amount. There's also a lot of failed relationships, depression amongst the parents and the hospice had a smoking room as it was felt it was necessary(and well used). Obviously different circumstances slightly but still living with disability on a daily basis and I suspect similarities in the statistics. I also work in early years and there are parents that will just say oh no dad was like that, he's just a boy or oh he/she socialises at home with friends children, there is no problem when we clearly see difficulties. Obviously these children are still young and it could be that they develop later than others but yes parents can and do (not just dad) deny there are any difficulties. Of course more difficult to deny post diagnosis! The posters on this board seem to me to be very proactive parents who can and do fight the fight for their children and learn about the condition to support and teach their children to cope. All the above IMO! It still hard when so many people brag about their children and ours is at a ss.

Is it denial or is it lack of realisation? I think it is often the latter. Looking back over the last couple of years I have pushed for nearly everything although teachers have flagged things up but only after I had put ds on the 'watch' list. If i took the amount of, eg. NHS salt we have been offered, as a guide to how serious his problem was then it wouldn't be denial so much as a lack of understanding. I am also articulate and well educated, unfortunately not all children have such advocates as us on MN.

I also think parents don't realise how excluded children can be in ms. There is a dc in my dd ms school who doesn't have any peers, doesn't interact with any children in his class, is constantly being taken 'out' for one thing or another, is looked after by TAs (1-2-1) but can't cope with the ms curriculum so is always taught separately by TAs (I presume the teacher must direct this). His physical difficulties means he can't approach other children let alone cope with the playground. His daily interactions seems to be purely with adults. The school does its best but he looks so isolated. Not ASD and seems aware of his isolation. I'm sure his parents think he is 'included' as the school is being 'inclusive'.

A downside of ss is I think it is important for nt children to mix with sen children to help form a healthy perspective in adulthood. However I am not sure how best to work that one.

I don't think parents are in denial, they just don't have access to good information. These days everything is all so 'positive' that nobody is honest. Also, a 'severe' SAL delay when a child is 3 can be 1.6 years. Big deal - a year and a half. Often parents don't realise that it's half of their age and that the same delay in a 6 year old is 3 years delay, etc.

Also, they don't realise that to 'catch up', their child will have to not only overcome whatever it was that caused them to be delayed, but they'll have to progress faster than their peers without delay. For a child of 4 with a 2 year language delay to be caught up by the end of KS1, they will have to progress at a rate of 1.66 times faster than their typical peers.