Teen girl with Aspergers Syndrom

[Solly2408]

Hi
my daughter is 13. She has been bullied at school since she started in year 7 and has some learning difficulties i.e. memory processing, she forgets a lot (forgets books at school that she needs for revision or homework...etc), always complains that she is slower than the other girls in her learning, she finds it very difficult to concentrate. She is teased at school for asking the teacher to repeat something she didn't hear or understand. She works for 10 or 15 minutes and wants to have a long break. She finds it difficult to make friends/keeping friends. Despite her difficulties she has been doing well at school (she goes to a small private school). She was assessed by and educational psychologist who confirmed that she had a memory issue and her speed of writing is a bit slower than average but thought that she didn't have ADHD or autism. She was seen by CAMHS last year. They said that she didn't have ADHD or Aspergers...etc but she only had some difficulties with organisation and making friends and suggested that she should use a laptop at school, get homework in writing and asked me to help her with friendships (organising day out with the very few friends she had) but things just got worse this year after Feb half term. She was depressed, crying and saying that she had enough of school and life and that she hated school and missed school on few occasions. She was doing very well in the first term but after half term she is no longer interested in her school work. She sometimes doesn't do her homework and hardly revised for her end of year exam. She says that she doesn't like school and doing the work. she is very difficult at home. She gets angry and aggressive very quickly with me and my husband (she is an only child)
The school suggested we see a psychologist that the school uses. The psychologist observed her at school and had a meeting with her. She suspects that she has Aspergers Syndrom and that she needs to be assessed. She sent a report to CAMHS suggesting that they assess her for for autism but CAMHS are very slow. We waited for months to see a Social Worker who didn't even read the private psychologist report before the meeting and said that she was not sure they would assess her for Autism. I am thinking of doing it privately to get to the bottom of the problem as we have to decide whether to change schools or not. Has anyone done an assessment privately and could you recommend someone who has interest in Aspergers/ The psychologist that was recommended by the school suggested to do it for £1500 which is quite a lot and I want it to be done by someone who has no relationship with the school so I could get an objective conclusion. Please help if you have gone through the same experience. Sorry my message is too long but I had to explain the situation so you understand where I am coming from. Many thanks for your advice

Hi solly and welcome to the board. I have an 11 yr old Dd who has a diagnosis of Asd but fits the profile for Aspergers.

I am sorry your Dd is struggling so much at school but sadly it is really common for girls with aspergers.

I suggest you google Girls with Aspergers and find some of the very interesting articles/books written on the subject.

Many proffs are useless at spotting it andsome still seem to think that girls cant have aspergers/autism. They can of course but they present very differently to boys and that is why they get missed.

I have no advice about private diagnosis but if you ask a specific question about it I am sure someone will help you.

Good luck and keep coming on here for support and advice

Hi solly and welcome to the board. I have an 11 yr old Dd who has a diagnosis of Asd but fits the profile for Aspergers.

I am sorry your Dd is struggling so much at school but sadly it is really common for girls with aspergers.

I suggest you google Girls with Aspergers and find some of the very interesting articles/books written on the subject.

Many proffs are useless at spotting it andsome still seem to think that girls cant have aspergers/autism. They can of course but they present very differently to boys and that is why they get missed.

I have no advice about private diagnosis but if you ask a specific question about it I am sure someone will help you.

Good luck and keep coming on here for support and advice

Oopps

My DS has Asperger's, we went through the NHS and it was rather slow. There's a recent thread here where people are talking about private ASC diagnoses for girls.

Thanks for replying. It's nice to get some moral support from other mums. I will continue my search. I have read a lot about Aspergers in girls and how it is not easily diagnosed in girls and as a result a lot of them go undiagnosed and keep struggling at school and later on in life when they are adults.

I find it very worrying to be honest, how many articles and books there are on the subject and yet there are still so many so called professionals who dont have a single clue about girls with Asd and to be fair Asd in general.

I hope you manage to get the right support for your Dd.

Hi Kleinzeit

The thread was very useful. Thanks. I asked for the contact details of professionals who were recommended for the assessment.

Hi Ineedmorepatience
that is exactly what's frustrating me and I need to find the right professional. My daughter was seen last year by a private consultant Psychiatrist who said that nothing was wrong with her and that she only had some friendship and organisation issues but didn't fit ASD which was confirmed by another Psychiatrist at CAMHS. things have got much worse since then and I desperately need to find someone who understands well ASD in girls. my daughter is 13 in year 9 and will be doing her GCSE next year. I am so worried that she won't be able to cope. She is very smart but she doesn't like to work because she is not happy at school and with life in general. She is very bubbly and friendly but struggles to make friends especially at school. Her school is very small with only 20 girls in the form. We have been thinking about changing schools but she didn't like the local private school. She prefers to stay at her school even if she is not happy because I think she doesn't like change and new situations and she might be worried that she could go through the same experience again. She has one good friend who doesn't see her regularly because she has a lot of other friends who keep her busy and she recently made a new friend she met at ice skating but it's still early stage. Does any one know if there is any support group in North London for girls who find it difficult to make friends so they could meet girls in the same situation.

Thank you so much for any advice or guidance. I am tired of handling this situation on my own. My husband is very busy so I do all the work regarding our daughters problems.

My Dd3 was diagnosed using the DISCO assessment with was developed by Lorna Wing and Judith Gould. If you google it there is a bit of info about it.

You could try contacting the Lorna Wing Centre which is in Nottinghamshire. They may be able to advise you.

I dont know of anything in North London sorry and I totally understand what its like if you have to do everything by yourself. I am in a similar situation.

Good luck

My dd is almost 17 now and was diagnosed only a yr ago with Aspergers.She really fell apart at about 14 yrs with regard to peer relationships etc.It can be so subtle and hidden in girls...very hard to spot until they are older.I would say definitely get a private diagnosis and if you have a supportive school then together you will hopefully be able to work with them to put the correct supports in place for her.I am sorry I cannot recommend anyone as I do not live anywhere near you but I would say definitely do it.
Good luck.

thanks to everyone for your advice

How have things changed for your daughters after they have been assessed and diagnosed? have things got better at schools and with peer relationships? did they have any counselling, did you get any advise on how to deal with them...etc?

Thanks

I have an 11 year old daughter with ASD she is high functioning so quite Aspergers she was also diagnosed (at 4) using the DISCO assessment, she is very obviously on the spectrum tho. You mentioned changing schools, can i suggest you at least seriously consider doing this anyway, i would not pay private school fee's for my daughter to be bullied to the level she feel depressed :(.

For Dd3 having a diagnosis has been very positive in terms of how she feels about herself especially.

She still works very hard to mask her difficulties at school and she still spends too much time holding in her true self.

But at home and with friends she is much more able to be who she really is.

I think school will always be a problem for Dd3 to be honest because she hates it and doesnt see the point in it. If we can get through yr 7 without her coming out of school completely then I think we will have done well!

She hasnt had any form of counselling but she has been included in nurture groups and social skills groups at school.

Oh golly,OP ,it has made a huge difference really.She had a reduced timetable to suit her study needs while at the same time being challenged sufficiently to do well in GCSE'S as she is very bright and capable.She received ongoing support and one to one sessions with the school psychologist.She was then automatically entitled to special accommodations in state exams such as extra time/separate room etc.
The biggest one for her socially was that she made her friends aware of her diagnosis and their attitudes changed hugely towards her and they became much more supportive and understanding .
A supportive school that will work with you is priceless!

Sorry I would also say yes,get it done by an independent psychologist/psychiatrist.I believe around £700-800 is the norm and is roughly what we paid and also the amount I have seen mentioned on here a lot of times but I may be wrong.

Answered your other thread on chat. Don't just limit yourself to private schools there are a lot of good and improving state school around as well. Your daughter might fit in better in a larger environment , as there be vast differences in abilities especially in state schools .
She sounds like she being bullied by other girls in her class at this school , which has reduced her self esteem , therefore knocking her confidence .
Maybe look at some counselling as well to help her .

There are good state schools but it's difficult to get her in at this stage (she is in year 9. I applied to a local girls schools as I thought it would help as she will have a much bigger number of girls to choose from and the abilities are quite varied which would help her self confidence. Plus all the girls will be local. She was offered a place at another school which is not great.

Non of the girls are local in her current school and it's quite academic. She was doing quite well in y 7 and 8 despite the difficulties she has and the bullying but her self esteem has been badly affected that she is not interested in studying any more. She says that she doesn't care. Today she was miserable when she came back from school because she didn't do well at a history essay. She said that she couldn't write much while all the girls wrote at least one page. She got stuck at 2 sentences which is not normal. She used to do well in her history and always got good or very good in her reports in all the subjects and excellent in Art as she is quite creative. She was in such a bad mood that she was very rude and aggressive with me and her dad when we refused to give her the laptop. She doesn't want to do any revision without a laptop. We know that she doesn't use it for revision only, she watches videos, check other fashion websites, animals...etc. She has her French and Spanish orals tomorrow and all she needs to do is to learn the answers to the questions the teachers gave them. There was no need for a laptop. A laptop for her is an escape. She was so rude to her dad calling him an idiot (which she has never done before) and was shouting at the top of her voice. Are teens with autism/Aspergers S that aggressive?. She was shouting and telling us that we drive her mad because we didn't give her the laptop. She tends to be quite rude and aggressive and looses her temper if she wants something and you don't give it to her. She ones pushed me when I took my phone form her after I asked her nicely so many times to give it back. She uses my phone to play games and wouldn't stop till the battery is flat. We were shocked by her behaviour today and we don't really know how to handle her any more. We don't want to be too hard or too soft till she walks all over us. has anyone gone through the same experience? How would you handle and stop such behaviour? Many thanks

Mmm,this is sounding familiar to me.DD was a bit like this- not the aggression -this sounds to me like frustration-but the not being able to write much in the exams.This is where the diagnosis comes into its own as with the diagnosis comes the' reasonable accommodations' for exams and dd gets some extra time and does the exams in a room on her own.

I find with dd that she really needs to let off steam by losing herself in her laptop for a while,usually watching Japanese anime videos which is a very intense interest of hers and it has a sort of calming effect on her.She has no interest in facebook/snapchat any of the stuff her peers are into really.
I think you should go and get a diagnosis privately if you can and then come back to your chosen school well-armed with what supports she needs...my experience is that it is as girls go further into the teenage yrs that a huge gulf develops between themselves and their peers and they really struggle socially which will of course also have a knock-on effect on their studies .With dd I feel the diagnosis which only came when she was 15 was a relief for her in a way and she understands herself better now .The breathing space the school gave her and the understanding and support this past year have had a very beneficial effect on her.She still struggles socially bigtime and only has a couple of friends really but she is doing much better than before we knew what the issue was.
It all came to a head with DD also through being bullied at school.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I must admit that the tips,suggestions,support on here have been a lifeline to me so you will get lots of help here too.

Hi Panneyanne
Thanks very much for sharing your story. It's nice to chat to people who are going through the same experience. CAMHS are too slow and they think she doesn't have AS. I have decided to go private. I leant through these chats that Daphne Keen is good. Her secretary is away till Monday. She is very busy. I hope she will be able to see her in the next couple of months. I heard that she started taking booking for August few weeks ago.

Solly I would just get booked in to see her, even if it is a 3 month wait it will be quicker than CAMHs and if they can't/won't see her issues then you are going nowhere fast.

We are really lucky to have now found a paediatrician who has a special interest in girls with Asd/Aspergers due to personal experience of how bad the system is.

She has said the same as penney girls really struggle socially as they go through the teen years and can suffer damage to their mental health. Our girls work so hard to fit in but it is extremely draining for them and struggling to hold on to friends can grind them down.

Good luck

Thanks. The school have recommended a private clinical Psychologist who observed my D at school and had one hour session with her. She thinks she has AS and sent a report to CAMHS recommending they do an assessment for ASD. She said that she could do the assessment with the help of a paediatrician. She could do it in few weeks time but I am not sure about her. I really want someone who understands As in girls. Daphne Keen was recommended by few people on mumsnet. My Daughter didn't go to school yesterday and today. I am thinking of taking her to this Clinical Psychologist to help her cope with the difficulties she is facing till we get a proper diagnosis. I really hate it when she misses school

im hoping to take my daughter to see daphen keen - ive been told they are currently booking dates in august so hoping my daughter will be seen shortly

If it were me I would hold on for Daphne Keen tbh. Its almost the end of the school year anyway solly . If school is causing her that much anxiety at the moment then I would keep her off on the days she is really struggling .Hopefully for September maybe a plan will be in place to support her especially if she has a proper diagnosis by then.I must say,looking back,the softly softly no pressure approach dd's school took with her when things were very bad before diagnosis ,really was beneficial for dd . Forcing her to attend certain classes and indeed forcing her to go in to school when she was very low would not have worked with her at all.

I agree about not forcing her to go to school, Dd3's mental health suffered when we were forcing her. If she cant cope now she stays at home.

I usually get a warning when she is going to resist going, if she comes out of school very upset then she is unlikely to want to go the next day.

Obviously I do encourage her to go but no way am I forcing her.

She has had 9 days this year of not being able to go due to high levels of anxiety. Most caused by teachers not thinking about what they are saying!!

thank you both for your advice. She didn't go to school Thur and Friday then I took her to central London with her best friend then she went with the friend with a sleep over and spend the whole day with her. She was happy when she was with her but as soon as she comes home, she is miserable. She doesn't want to talk and all she has been doing is listening to music on her phone. I tried to talk to her and all she says is that she is not happy and not feeling well. It's very frustrating that she doesn't even want to open up and talk to me. My feeling is that she is that she doesn't have the intention to go to school. I am tired and drained. Shall I just leave her alone? Thanks