Can't cope anymore I don't want him

[Sonumb]

Ds 5 has become unbearable I can hardly stand to look at him let alone be around him .
I can't parent him I have tried everything and I quit , its not supposed to be this hard my child is not supposed to beat me up & curse at me .
I have no help his Dad works 7 days a week & I can't leave the house with him , he doesn't sleep more than a few hours and hasn't since he was born .
He can escape out of every pram/reins/harness won't hold hands and just runs and runs and won't stop .
I'm taking him to the doctors tomorrow but I have zero hope for any kind of help from them.
So my only option is to tell Social services to come and get him

Really sorry to hear this :0( Not sure I can help but do you get any help at the moment? Is he at school now or under early years support?

Sounds like a horrendous situation but you are not alone, lots of us have been through this.
I've had DS in a the car a few times and have set up to dump at social services but luckily i changed my mind during the journey.
DS was very much like your son, by the sounds of it, at age 4-7 but has settled down a lot in the last 2 years so it doesnt mean it will be this bad forever.
Does your Ds have a diagnosis at all? Do you have support from any professionals?

No diagnosis yet though it is suspected Aspergers/ADHD no help from school or early years,Doctors etc as until his Paediatrician sees video evidence then a diagnosis can't be given
But I can't get video evidence as he will injure himself while having a meltdown etc which I can't just video him and let him harm himself or somebody else .
As for the not sleeping he is on slow release melatonin 3×2mg a night which he can not swallow and can not be crushed up , Doctor can't prescribe the liquid version as it is not available in our area

Can the Dr give u the capsules instead of the tablets? You can separate the capsules and mix the pellets with food so it might be easier for you.

They shouldn't need video evidence to give a dx either. In most areas assessment is done by a few different professionals such as psychologist, salt, camhs etc. They usually see you in clinic and see DS in school and diagnose on their assessments not video evidence!
You are being incredibly let down by the people who should be helping you. I got video evidence of DS and they turned round and said he was putting it on even though you could clearly see he wasnt even aware of being filmed!
Is DS the same in school as he is at home?

Don't just take him to the doctors, take a written list of behaviours and symptoms with real life examples and add to it the request for an urgent referral to a developmental paediatrician. Written requests can be ignored less easily.

Then phone social services and ask for a child in need assessment and a carers assessment.

Then phone'/research IPSEA and put together the model letter for a statutory assessment and send it. You won't need evidence at that stage.

All of this puts you on the radars of people who will eventually be able to help.

Evening

So sorry to hear this, we all have up and down days with our little ones. If you are really struggling you could call social services, they might be able to help.

Hope things get better for you x

They are not willing to try him on any other kind of Melatonin they say it is not available in our area yet my sister (13yo) has the same doctor and is on the capsule form of Melatonin

So I take a list ? What do I write down ?

He has only been seen by a speach therapist & the paediatrician he is under , he has no speech problems at all .
What will happen if I contact Social Services , will they take him away , this really is urgent as I'm ready to snap & I'm scared what will happen .
He has only just started to misbehave at school as he was/is settled their due to him attending the school Nursery for two years , It is a very small Prep school(now free school) as I new from when he was little he could not cope in a mainstream school .
No help from his teacher as she has only just gone in to teaching and this is her first class so she is not much use , Not sure of anything else either tbh .

He is currently ripping his wallpaper off

If they are saying they need video evidence, could you buy a few nanny cams?

Hecate I'll have a look at how much they cost

Its unlikely that they will take him away unless he is a significant risk of harm. But you need help from somewhere so it might be worth phoning them as nobody else seems to be helping you. They might be able to offer you some respite through short breaks.
Are you able to access any support through something like a local surestart or childrens centre?
Your paed sounds like an idiot tbh. Im a paeds nurse and i never heard of anywhere only having one type of melatonin its ridiculous, as is asking for video evidence. It might be worth asking to see a different paediatrician next time.

If you feel that DS isn't coping in school then you need to apply for statement of special needs. You don't need schools permission, you can do it by yourself. Lots of info is available on the IPSEA website that starlight has mentioned.
If you apply for statement of special needs and the LA agree to assess DS then he will be seen by an educational psychologist who will assess what DS difficulties are. A good Ed psych report can make a huge difference to getting the right support IME.

Write down the list of all of the behaviours that DS has that concern you. You could also keep a behaviour diary and write down when he is kicking off, what he does, what has triggered it (if you know, you may not) and how long it last and what he is like afterwards (ie remorseful or withdrawn etc).
It might be useful to ask school to keep a home/school diary if they don't already. The should be writing what sort of day he has had and documenting any incidents that have occured so that you can show this of the paediatrican as well.

Sonumb I pretty much doubt that Social Services will take him away. You really need to keep as calm as you can. When you say I'm ready to snap what do you mean?

He is ripping his wallpaper off? Are you in the same room as him? If not go and be with him.

Sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. DS2 has Aspergers/ADHD and it can be a relentless combination at times. The lack of sleep doesn't help.

Medication helped DS2 a lot, and also things have got easier as he has got older. I hope you are able to access some support soon.

Understand about video when meltdown but even video of ripping wallpaper etc is a start.
If you contact social care make sure you ask for the disabled children's team, they can provide respite or money for you to pay for help. But I will be honest support for young children is hard to get. Many services like respite only kick in at 7/8. You will have to be firm and be prepared for being blamed as poor parenting.
They can use foster families eg for overnight respite, a friend of mine does this and has a boy come and stay to give his folks a break
You can apply for Dla (see cerebra guide) and use that to pay for some help, but it can be difficult to get it without diagnosis and you often have to appeal.
DS has autism not ADHD but ran off, climbed up everything etc it has got a lot better but it was constant when he was young.
Have you told his dad how you feel? He can't work 7 days and give you no break. Make him take 2 days off and you go away or just be out and let his dad see it for himself. Neither dh or I work full time now, if you get Dla and tax credits they are pretty generous and while financially it's not ideal you can get by by working less and claiming more, if that's what it takes to keep everything going. We both work PT so neither of us is stuck caring FT because it's too exhausting and isolating.
Have you any family? You have to be honest about how bad it it is and ask for help.
Ask the GP who you appeal the melatonin decision to, there will be a panel that looks at requests for items which are not the ones usually given and you have a right of appeal to this panel and they can agree to fund something different in a individual case. Public bodies always have discretion to do something different whatever they say policies are not set in stone.
Is there anyone who can back you up? A babysitter or friend?
Contact your local carers group or look on council websites to see if any disabled children groups eg play schemes at weekends or hols you can leave him and at least other people might see what you see. Social care can fund 1:1 in holiday schemes etc.
Social care also have Occupational therapists who can advise and fund on how for eg to safe proof a bedroom or buy a safe space (sort of padded bed tent). Usually they would suggest clearing a bedroom so nothing but a bed in it, putting a gate on, perhaps some padding on walls etc. If he won't sleep you want to be able to put him somewhere safe and leave him and know he's safe and even if he's not sleeping he's not getting up and roaming the house, plus you get to rest even if not sleep. You can also put him there in day when wrecking stuff or you just need a break. It could be hard to even go to loo or have a shower when DS was little. You need to have a secure safe space you can put him and walk away when you need to. It's the sleep deprivation talking, I've been there and it's really tough but you have to tell his dad and family you can't carry on with no sleep and caring 24/7 single handed. You can't look after him if you are not looking after yourself.
The social care OT can also advise on harnesses etc and should be able to come up with a solution which sounds like it will need to be a buggy so again you can keep him safe when out.

I have tried DLA & appealing it took seven months and a huge behaviour diary but it wasn't enough for them .
Dp knows how hard he is but he really has no choice to work seven days a week as its 2 split shifts a day (hotel porter) if he sisnt do these hours he would have no job .
My DM can't cope with him he was supposed to stay tonight but within half n hour of been their he broke a window and completely trashed her house so I doubt he will be invited back their anytime soon

I have also had the whole young parent crap & they enrolled me on a parenting course that started at 8.30am and I would of had to travel 10 miles to get their , I were supposed to do all this while having Ds at school for 9am

If im not been to cheeky could somebody bullet point all the info I need as I'm sleep deprived and getting rather confused

Sounds like you have been let down terribly. I know how exhausting it is fighting for anything for a sn child

Sonumb

Sorry that I can't be more help, I'm sure someone else will read this and comment with the help you are looking for.

Stay strong x

StarlightMcKenzie Fri 06-Jun-14 20:57:13
Don't just take him to the doctors,
take a written list of behaviours / symptoms with real life examples
request for an urgent referral to a developmental paediatrician.
Written requests can be ignored less easily.

Then phone social services
ask for a child in need assessment and a carers assessment.

Then phone'/research IPSEA
put together the model letter for a statutory assessment
send it.
You won't need evidence at that stage.

All of this puts you on the radars

of people who will eventually be able to help.

HecatePropylaea Fri 06-Jun-14 21:38:35
If they need video evidence, could you buy a few nanny cams?

nahidontthinkso Fri 06-Jun-14 21:49:46
(social serv) might be able to offer you some respite through short breaks.

any support through something like a local surestart or childrens centre?

worth asking to see a different paediatrician next time?

apply for statement of special needs. you can do it by yourself.

Lots of info is available on the IPSEA website that star mentioned.

If the LA agree to assess DS then he will be seen by an educational psychologist. A good Ed psych report can make a huge difference

Write down the list of all of the behaviours that DS has that concern you

keep a behaviour diary and write down when he is kicking off, what he does, what has triggered it (if you know, you may not) and how long it last and what he is like afterwards (ie remorseful or withdrawn etc)

ask school to keep a home/school diary. what sort of day he has had and any incidents so that you can show this to the paediatrican

AgnesDiPesto Fri 06-Jun-14 22:05:25
Understand about video when meltdown
but even video of ripping wallpaper etc is a start

If you contact social care
make sure you ask for the disabled children's team
You will have to be firm
and be prepared for being blamed as poor parenting

You can apply for Dla (see cerebra guide)
and use that to pay for some help

Have you told his dad how you feel?
Make him take 2 days off and you go away or just be out
you can get by by working less and claiming more

Have you any family?
You have to be honest about how bad it it is
and ask for help

Ask the GP who you appeal the melatonin decision to,
there will be a panel

Is there anyone who can back you up?
A babysitter or friend?

Contact your local carers group
or look on council websites to see if any disabled children groups
eg play scheme

Social care also have Occupational therapists who can advise and fund
somewhere to leave him and know he's safe
It could be hard to even go to loo

you have to tell his dad and family
you can't carry on with no sleep and caring 24/7 single handed
You can't look after him if you are not looking after yourself

The social care OT can also advise on harnesses etc
able to come up with a solution
sounds like it will need to be a buggy
so again you can keep him safe when out

Brilliant Meir Thank you

These are suggestions, I'm just writing them as bossy commands cos they bullet point easier that way

I think item number 1 has to be getting some sleep

Your mum could come to your place instead.
Could you go next door and get your head down for a couple of hours?

Get your mum to come to the GP with you
She can point out they're giving her the other melatonin for your sister

Cerebra sleep guide probably isn't new to you, but you helps show professionals you know stuff

Social services occupational therapy (OT) often have £ for adapting bedrooms, as Agnes says

You can often self refer to NHS OT for advice and simple equipment

I tend to sleep while he is at school when I can which isnt the most productive use of my time .

Thanks for bullet pointing , I can write it all down in my notebook so that way I dont forget

youre welcome

Sonumb

How are you this morning? Hope you are feeling a little better.

Ds is packing his toys up & says he is going to live with my mum