How to say no to children with ASD

[MummyToThreeDarlings]

Hi

I hope someone here can help me, DS7 has ASD and I have always found it hard to say "NO" to him. I really need help as he keeps on wanting our neighbours Cats in how house. When ever we go to the Supermarket he always picks up Cat food, Cats Milk and toys I never tell him to put them back as I don't want to upset him. It is getting out of hand now the Cats are continuously turning up at my door for food, just to keep him happy I let them in for a feed (my neighbours are aware of this) they turned up late afternoon again today he wanted them to stay in the house, I called my eldest son to shoo them out, the reason I don't want them over staying their welcome in the house because I am concerned about fleas etc, I told him once the Cats left that they can come in only for their feed but they will have to leave once they've eaten.

Soon after I went up to check on him, he was sitting down in his bedroom watching a DVD with a big black cat beside him I had to call my eldest son again to get the cat out of my house.

He literally cried himself to sleep and wouldn't talk to me, does anyone think I am being unreasonable? I don't want the Cats in the house anymore.

Even though he has ASD he still needs boundaries and still needs to learn that no means no.
I went through this with my DS when he was 5. It was awful because i had given in to him for so long he got whatever he wanted. I decided that he had to learn about the word 'no'. The meltdowns we had were monumental and it took months before he learned to deal with 'no'. Now he does mostly accept its when i say no to him.

You need to make some rules re the cats. First rule is that they don't come in the house. Are you happy for him to play with them in the garden?
Will your neighbour let DS go round and put food out for the cat at the cats house?

He will have meltdowns over it but you can't give in to him all the time, it will make your life difficult in the long term and won't do DS any favours. At some point in his life somebody will say 'no' to him and he has to learn how to deal with it.

I'm sorry if i come across as harsh but i see a lot of parents at autism group who let their kids get away with murder and then blame it on the ASD when really its down to lack of boundaries.

Can't help. Our cat was the centre of my son'e existence for 12 years. It motivated him, learning what the cat needed taught him how to empathise with humans, for years the cat was the first thing he looked for and the last thing he said goodnight to. He worked on his self-control and behaviour so much harder with the cat as a reason and support.
It's taken him almost a year to get over the death of his best friend.
Never had fleas, worms or downsides to owning him, other than the loss.

Thanks for replying, I have told him he can feed and play with them in our garden but he wants them to come in the house to feed and play with them. I haven't expressed how I am feeling with my neighbours, they are aware if my sons condition and they are happen enough to let my son feed and entertain them.

You are not being harsh you are being truthful which I want, I do need to set boundaries but it I just find it hard as DS has other health issues, and I get distressed when he has meltdowns.

PolterGoose I know it sounds ideal but I really couldn't live with a Cat in the house.

One way might be to take advantage of his rigid thinking and make a set of rules around playing/feeding with the cats.

Have you got an autism outreach team or something similar who can give u strategies to deal with the meltdowns?
If not NAS do books on dealing with challenging behaviour.

I also find it hard dealing with meltdowns, its awful. But if i hadn't sorted it when DS was younger he would be so much worse now and i would be bankrupt through buying every single Lego thing he asks for!

Ds wailed for 2 hours this morning for a hamster, but it was completely out of the blue.
Usually he's begging for a lizard or a snake or something else creepy crawly.
If there's no way we can do it, we have to stick to our guns and not let anything slip at all. If he thinks he can spot a chink of weakness, he doesn't let up at all.
I imagine letting him get the cat toys and food is confusing for him, I know it would be for ds. In a black and white world, buying cat food means getting a cat.

I say no.

I know that's not very helpful. Sorry. I am sure there are loads of really great ways to do it, but I just say no and I deal with the fallout.

Sometimes I sing no. No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no it's a no no. or big operatic NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That works. It'll never make it into any books on the subject, but it's had its place over the years.

But yeah, if it's a no it's a no and I won't change that. I manage what happens.

And I buy a lot of gin.

Nahidontthinkso I am not getting any help in terms on how to deal with his meltdowns or the constant crying and not telling me what's wrong, or the not eating and not wanting to go to school. Luckily DS never asks for anything you can take him into a toy shop and ask him if he wants something and he'll always say no.
Fav We have a cupboard full of cat food, toys and treats for "neighbours cats and kittens"

PolterGoose What are your techniques?

I just try to respond without the word 'No'

I was given this advice years ago as DS is very demand avoidant but i just couldn't do it. I felt like i was constantly having to think about what i was saying and it too difficult. You must have the patience of a saint!

OP it sounds like you need some support from somewhere. Are there any autism groups where you live or can you access any outreach or support through school or the council?

I'm currently using your technique, Hec.

Mainly because I have no clue what else to do but also because any attempting at saying any other word just becomes lost in a fog of white noise.

Whatever I say, the fallout is going to happen so I just go with 'no' as it's the quickest.

Although DS is only 2.9 and as yet we don't have an official diagnosis so it's still very much a 'by the seat of your pants' affair!

polter The 'Lives in the Balance' site looks promising.

Glad all of you understand how hard it gets sometimes.

Ds had a meltdown tonight because I said no. I gave him a biscuit (he asked for one). He said (in a not so nice voice) "I wanted a shortbread" so I said no you have that one. So he threw it on the floor, then in a shit threw it in the bin. Then expected the shortbread. I still said no. One meltdown later and he never did get it. I will stick to it if I say no or he'll run rings round me.

I get that he had expected something different and thought I telepathically knew. If he'd have asked nicely I'd have changed it!

oh we do!

I don't know about anyone else, but I do find that I take time to think whether I actually want or need to say no, rather than just saying it. I see (some not all! just some ) other parents defaulting to no and then the kid pestering and them saying yes. Or even staying with no when there really was no earthly reason why you had to say no, they just said it without thinking, or cos they couldn't be bothered.

But because I know what I am going to have to deal with, I take that moment to think why am I going to say no. What would happen if I just said yes. Why don't I want to / can't I say yes, etc.

If it's a no, then it's a no for a good reason, if that makes sense.

Not like my own parents who would just say no to everything just out of habit and then when asked why, either get nasty or say oh go on then/oh do what you want/oh fine then...

Hec I know exactly what you mean, and have to try really hard to quash my initial instinct to say "no" for no good reason.

Interestingly, the more thought I give to DS' behaviour (he has ASD with a PDA profile) the more I can see similar traits (to a much lesser extent) in myself - eg my automatic response to a demand would be to feel under pressure and say (or think) no, I can't do that. I know I have anxiety issues and want to be in control, and so does my DS, and this creates a clash between us; but I know that I have to be the one to be more flexible sometimes, because he doesn't at the moment have the skills to be! The Explosive Child is very enlightening on these points.

I've just had a look at that explosive child book. What I could read of it (amazon preview) it made sense. I could recognise my youngest in particular - the frustration, the expectations, the inability to change activities when directed, etc, but the level of language it appears the child needs to have in order to use these strategies is just SO far above what my youngest has that I wouldn't be able to use it to help him.

Is there anything similar for children who have a very very basic ability to understand language and really don't speak much at all beyond echolalia and making short statements?

See, if I was to try to talk him through, like I saw in the example, going over an incident, asking him what he thought he could do differently - he couldn't do that. He doesn't have either the language skills or the ability to analyse or imagine the situation if that makes sense. He wouldn't be able to cope with me asking him questions or trying to talk to him.

If you go down the route of making rules, then it's possible to phrase them in a positive manner.

eg cats mustn't come into our house, whilst being what you want to achieve, is negative. More positive is These cats live with abc at xyz. They love being played with and given treats by other people. The best place to do this without getting them confused is in the garden.