How to say no to children with ASD

[MummyToThreeDarlings]

Hi

I hope someone here can help me, DS7 has ASD and I have always found it hard to say "NO" to him. I really need help as he keeps on wanting our neighbours Cats in how house. When ever we go to the Supermarket he always picks up Cat food, Cats Milk and toys I never tell him to put them back as I don't want to upset him. It is getting out of hand now the Cats are continuously turning up at my door for food, just to keep him happy I let them in for a feed (my neighbours are aware of this) they turned up late afternoon again today he wanted them to stay in the house, I called my eldest son to shoo them out, the reason I don't want them over staying their welcome in the house because I am concerned about fleas etc, I told him once the Cats left that they can come in only for their feed but they will have to leave once they've eaten.

Soon after I went up to check on him, he was sitting down in his bedroom watching a DVD with a big black cat beside him I had to call my eldest son again to get the cat out of my house.

He literally cried himself to sleep and wouldn't talk to me, does anyone think I am being unreasonable? I don't want the Cats in the house anymore.

Hecate - it's not possible to do all the discussion with a child with limited language, but the approach can be adapted by honestly interpreting your DS's feelings, the best you can and making suggestions that he can at least have a stake in agreeing with.

I haven't got my copy of TEC to hand, but iirc there is a section on adapting the techniques for children with speech/language/learning difficulties - someone else may remember better than me, or have other recommendations, though.

ooh, is there? That would be good.

I would love to adopt less - dictatorial? managerial? approach to him. atm it seems as though I direct him through his entire life, and so does the school. You seem to have to micro manage him, from getting out of bed, take your clothes off, get into the bath, now brush your teeth, have you brushed your teeth? time to get your shoes on, shoes on please, get your shoes on, it's time to go and your shoes are not on...

and on and on and ON at him bumping him bit by bit though each day of his life.

I feel for him, I really do. But he can't manage his own day and he can't work through tasks without direction and constant refocusing. If you didn't walk him through it - he wouldn't do it.

he'd be happy to just potter about all day in his PJs, watching tv and playing with his toys.

sorry for hijack. this thread isn't about me I am just interested about resources.

I find that aspect tricky in that book Hec, because when ds is feeling explosive, he also doesn't want me to ask questions, or talk at all, it just makes him angrier.

Probem solving could mean something very simple to start off with, like doing a “social story” with pictures about cats staying outside or describing a situation and giving him two good choices of what to do? I didn’t discuss things with DS while he was upset. If we couldn’t have a discussion before he’d got all agitated then I’d have to leave it til long afterwards when he was calm. DS and I did have some big fights over boundaries though mostly I got round them by sticking to routine and being mega-consistent and always doing the same things. Once DS knew for sure we were always going to do things a particular way and he understood exactly what the rule was then the tantrums would stop and he’d stick with it. The only thing he couldn’t do was be flexible and cope with exceptions – though age does seem to have improved things a lot.

I used a lot of visual timetables and sequences with my DS. Pictures with Velcro on the back, for his morning routine I lined them up in order and he picked them off and put them in a bag when he’d been to the loo, brushed his teeth, put his shoes on, etc. We don’t have to do that any more but I am still his spare brain

The word no is like a red rag to a bull for my son.
I try not to say it but sometimes it's hard not to.

I don't actually think this is any different to NT children. They are all egocentric and don't like being told no. Not one child likes it.

I'm glad you've seen that you need to do something because it's really not healthy for you to allow your DS to essentially hoard cat paraphernalia.

It's interesting that you feel able to say 'no' to having a cat and allowing cats inside but unable to say 'no' to buying toys and treats for cats.

Well the way I read the OP, it was that OP doesn't want to upset her child by saying no.
In that respect, all children are the same -they don't like to hear 'no' and it doesn't feel good to say no.

I agree that a child with ASD may react to the no very differently to a NT child, but (perhaps wrongly) I thought this thread was about the OP'S emotional response to having to say no and disappoint her DS.

I find that it is quite easy to say no to ds when his anxiety levels are low. At the moment he is in quite a good place and if I say no, he will whine and moan but he will comply.

When he is very anxious, saying no doesn't actually work. He will go ahead and do whatever it is anyway, or massively kick off or start self harming himself to make amends. So when he is in that zone it is worth me avoiding the word 'no' and making indirect requests, trying to make games out of things etc etc. Then I might actually get the result I need to keep safe, keep us able to get out of the house or whatever.

It has been amazing for me over the past couple of weeks to start using the word no liberally again in away I haven't done for ages. So liberating! I doubt that it will last forever though and I will be back to other methods. I found the explosive child amazingly helpful btw

That’s a very good point about anxiety Levantine. My DS is much more able to cope with things not going his way when he’s feeling relaxed and confident. But he does get obsessed with his own plans so saying “no” to him is a huge trigger. He also finds it very hard to communicate when he wants something which makes things worse because by the time I’ve even figured out what he wants he’s a roiling mass of frustration and anxiety and “no” is the last straw. It’s really not at all like an NT kid – well maybe it’s like an NT two year old but most seven year olds aren’t like that.

Another thing that worked for DS (though he doesn’t have language comprehension issues) is that the school would give him a date when he had to stop doing an obsession. He had a compost heap obsession and was building one in the school playground. Eventually the teacher told him it would be time to stop doing the compost heap one Friday – and he did, quite calmly.

Sometimes we do have to go through the “big bang” though because once he knows how things stand and he’s got over his immediate frustration he doesn’t tend to keep on fighting. Even though he has huge explosions once it’s over it’s over and he doesn’t usually stay unhappy.

Though having said that, pets can be very good for kids with communication problems. We actually do have cats now because the deputy head at DS’s school (a wise kind lady disguised as a strict Scottish schoolmarm!) fixed me with a gimlet eye and demanded “does he have pets?” And I was told