3.6 deliberately hurting me when frustrated - need strategies (ASD)

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My 3.6yo DS has recently started scratching me in the face/on my arms, and trying to bite and hit me when frustrated. I'd really appreciate some strategies because I do t have a consistent response yet.

Should I just distract? It feels like a disciplinary cop out but he really doesn't understand much. He has a meltdown if put in his buggy for a time out.

It depends on why he's doing it? If he's uncomfortable or has sensory problems then try and alleviate that but if due to boundaries that you have set then I would just walk away or block his hands from your face giving as little attention to the behaviour as possible.

While my dd is not aggressive towards me she can be very defiant so I found praising her lots when she's behaved coupled with giving her no attention for her bad behaviour has helped. That's what we've been working with her during ABA.

Hang in there

Yes he's verbal. Very disordered language though.

He does it when he loses control of the situation. I've been trying the disinterested, holding his hands down approach but I feel under pressure to do some more active discipline.

I'm quite stressed at the moment :(.

I don't know of it will help but I find with my DS and DD3 that it seems to be better if I use the words outlining desired behaviour.

If DD3 is kicking me whilst I change her, I will say legs still NOT stop kicking.

Likewise if DS is bolting down the road, I am more likely to get a reaction to stop, rather than stop running.

If I mention running/ kicking that seems to be the only word they hear !

Watching with interest as dd2 is doing the same at the moment

We're not doing hugely well - he's moved on to his poor little brother, whose face is now covered in scratches.

Have you looked into ABA wave? It absolutely sorted out my autistic boy's aggression at that age, by showing him it is not acceptable at all and teaching him replacement skills eg communication.

The only problem is Aba is very expensive for a lot of people

I haven't, no. It's so expensive. And all the professionals we've seen so far seem to really dislike it.

Yes a lot of professionals will try and say it is horrible (due to trying to cut costs and also ignorance) but it really isn't and a lot of it is common sense - there is a brochure on it in another thread just down a bit on here, and I think people should be allowed to use their 3+ early years 15 hours a week free education funding on it. Even a bit helps

Tbh I think zzzz has given really good advice and that is what I'm trying to so with dd2

Polter that's great advice and as I said Aba is simply unaffordable for my family

Ok I would definitely make it clear to him that aggression is not on, but how to do that would depend on the child and their own particular motivators,. Some would respond well to am angry 'no", some would like the attention and emotion of an angry no so are best with a hold hands, give no eye contact, very dull-voiced "no". Others still might respond best to the removal of a favoured item - eg my boy is always carrying a toy so I would take it off him, give no eye contact and he only gets it back after a minute of non-aggression.

The basic principles of ABA are : reinforce (or reward) the behaviour you do went to see; give a dull or no consequence to behaviour you don't want to see. Then be consistent every time. It is showing not telling I suppose, or at least it was for my boy who was at that time pretty much non-verbal.

I like the quote from a top ABAer on a recent BBC4 documentary about ABA : "nothing interesting happens in the child's world for 'bad' behaviours; loads of fun occurs for the good stuff. "

There is a lot more to it than that, it is only my potted version and I am not a BCBA but hope there is something of help in there.

My boy is no longer aggressive,

Yes I guess some of it is just good, common sense and consistent parenting.

There is more to it though too, maybe some professionals will be along

But the main thing is working out what a child is achieving with a behaviour and working back from there

If a child just wants their own way, and has learned that "mum gives in if I scream or bite my younger brother" then they may well
repeat, as they've learned it is a successful strategy. If that strategy gets them no such outcome, they may drop it

It is easier of course when a child is verbal or understands wires- eg with my nf teen daughter, ABA would look more like:

"If you talk to me again like I am something the cat dragged in, I will cancel your phone contract for the rest of time". That works to alter the behaviour!

Words not wires

One obvious trigger is when DS2 tries to 'join in' with whatever his big brother is playing with, which is all the time really as DS2 is 15 months and besotted with his big brother. We've taught DS1 to say 'go away!' Instead if just hitting, which felt like a breakthrough at the time. However, DS1 now seems to think that's some kind of magic phrase, and that whoever you shout it at should instantly stop what they're doing. So when DS2 merrily ignores him, he lashes out.

The second type is harder to predict. They were having a lovely time together in the bath last night, ds1 splashing and making ds2 laugh, which they repeated several times. Then he just suddenly leaned over and scratched him hard. He drew blood.

What's that? Overstimulation?

Could that be stimming zzzzz??? That never occurred to me.

I have been reading this thread with interest as the OP describes the exact behaviour of my DD (4) albeit she is probably less developed. She hurts her sisters continually, and does seem to love it when they cry. It had never occurred to me that this was a stim in itself, even though I have found the only way to prevent it is to do lots of sensory stuff with her (feeling quite stupid now!!).

The problem, and yes this does sound weak, but is having the time to do all the sensory stuff she seemingly needs to prevent the violence to her sisters, while at the same time giving some attention to her sisters as well. I suppose I just have to find a way.

I have heard of people using a play pen to protect the older child. The older child goes in there when they don't want to be disturbed and the younger one can't "get" them?
But 3.6 year olds getting annoyed with younger siblings is actually pretty "normal".

If it is stimming - can you try to find something else which is less harmful - and try to divert towards that?

In the bath - although it looked like they were playing. Were they? Was DS1 already fed up, just doing something to show that, that DS2 enjoyed? My DD often smiles even when it's inappropriate and it in no way shows her true feelings. (Its one reason I am pleased for the dx, as it helps when people misinterpret her behaviour.)