Agressive/Miserable 3 year old

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

DS is 3.2 and I suspect is on the spectrum somewhere. he has many sensory issues and I think coordination issues and I am in the process of seeing how his 'symptoms' fit the triad. I am a SAHM so the only person really to see all this apart from DH. he starts nursery this month so I'm keeping a diary and will ask them to keep an eye before going to the GP to ask for a referral.

my problem at the moment is that he's clearly miserable and I don't know why or how to help him. he's whinging constantly, having screaming fits through frustration with toys etc and has started to throw heavy wooden toys at me and DD who is 18 months in a fit of rage if something doesn't go his way. I already completely 'manage' our routine to fit around trying to keep him happy and not overwhelmed but the agressive and violent behaviour I have no clue what to do.

this morning I had to leave him in a room by himself because I was starting to get cross - he was screaming "no, no no!" and lashing out at DD and I, really scaring her. at the weekend my MIL was playing with him, getting right up in his face and saying things loudly over and over to get him to laugh uncontrollably...it clearly got too much for him and I could see him starting to get hyperactive and aggressive, luckily the game changed and he held it together until she left but afterwards had a huge meltdown again lashing out - in this instance I could clearly see what had caused it (looking back it happened a lot when he was a baby too, just more of hours of crying after too much intense 'playing') but most of the time lately I have no idea what's building up to a meltdown, he just explodes for what feels like no reason

I'm very much of the idea that he needs help to deal with emotions rather than be punished, but I think I'm going to have to start removing toys so nobody gets hurt. I believe his 'behaviour' isn't 'behavioural' at all if that makes sense, I'm convinced he's struggling and trying to find an outlet but at the moment all I have is oblivious family members and friends (he's so NT around them and saves it all for when we get home or they leave) and a HV who is sympathetic but not very helpful

any tips on dealing with aggression with possible SPD/ASD/DCD? how can I be there for him but protect myself/DD? how can I find out what's driving it?

yep Ive been thru a lot of this - how is his language developing? is it age appropriate? Eye contact good? diet can cause this too fyi (juice/fizzy drinks/sugar etc - petit f yogurts have sugar in them and I have read many times they can make kids hyper). Perhaps keep a food diary and note bad behaviour in it too and see if there are any triggers. I have found that a Big bear Hug and sh sh can work . Sensory based occupational therapy has really helped too...

thank you for replying. language is excellent, a lot of delayed echolalia though - mainly stories or things he's heard us say, he repeats questions/statements over and over as well (seems like he's looking for a specific answer or just 'stuck')

I've pretty much cut refined sugar out of his diet now because I think he was stuck in stress/craving cycle (much like me, I've given it up too!) although he's had a few ice creams/a bit of juice lately so I will add it to my diary and see if there's a pattern. he's offered a good diet but mainly lives on porridge, cheese and pickle sandwiches, crackers, raisins, the odd apple or pear, peas, sweetcorn, tomatoes and not many other vegetables. yogurts are the baby ones with just fruit or plain.

Eye contact is good at times, appalling at others - I've just put it down to anxiety but might not be.

sometimes I've held him because it's been unsafe not to do so (heading for the road etc) or to stop him hitting people but most of the time it seems to wind him up even more and he fights or headbutts or scratches me.

I've been getting him to do some 'heavy work' and found some success with this, also letting him wear wellies as that seems to help (can you tell I've been reading up on SPD?!) but because I don't truly know what his issues are its all trial and error at the moment!

he has a tent full of cushions but won't go in it, is terrified of being in a room unless it's by his choosing, I just feel confused most of the time! he's been asking for lots of cuddles this afternoon after meltdowns which I am happy to give of course, I just wish I knew what sort of stuff was contributing to them!

in a room by himself I mean

Hi sounds like my DS too, he is 2 and half. I suspect he is somewhere on the spectrum too, and we are awaiting an appointment for a diagnosis, he was referred 7 months ago and has had various appointments, also at the top of the list for speech and language and OT. I am hoping he will have some sort of a plan in place for when he starts nursery.
My advise would be to start the referral process as soon as you can as it can take a long time and we have found it really beneficial. We have had so much support and advice along the way and to be honest I don't know how I would have coped without it.
My DS gets very frustrated with toys too, especially if he can't do a puzzle or open a box etc, he is non verbal too so can't tell me what's wrong. His automatic response is to throw the nearest thing in reach. I have had things fly in my face and lost my temper which only made him worse. Luckily he has never harmed my DD. I have put all the wooden toys away for a while. I try my best to speak to him calmly about why he mustn't throw and distract him with another toy/book that he likes.
I have just started reading the out of sync child by Carol Stock, haven't gotten very far, but it has been highly recommended on here.

has someone actually diagnosed delayed echolalia?
i think your suspicions cd well be right re ASD
heavy work and wearing wellies helping with his behaviour seems to point to a need for Occupational Therapy which ASD sufferers can get really positive outcomes from, doctor can refer you. I can identify a lot of above re managing routines and avoiding triggers from my DS: 3.6 and OT has worked wonders, he used to slap us and chuck stuff about - 9 months on its now barely noticeable. If you can afford to pay for it privately then do in the interim because an NHS referral can take months. I've replied to a couple of other posts today on ASD which you might find useful tx

thanks both. we've not spoken to anyone about our concerns yet bar the HV who consulted an OT and told me SPD wasn't given as a stand alone diagnosis in this country. that's when I started to 'look' and found other stuff. I'm holding off getting him referred for a month or two as I suspect I'll just be told to wait and see how he settles at nursery..at the moment they're just suggesting parenting classes and 'he'll grow out of it's

sorry Toni I must have misunderstood what I've read about echolalia - I thought it was something all toddlers did but generally grew out of as they developed??

I very much doubt we can afford to go down the private route, unfortunately. I will check out your other posts Toni thank you

re delayed echolalia ...the reason i ask is because its quite common with ASD..
well - hes clearly unhappy and frustrated and his behaviour is causing you concern so Id be asking GP for a referral now as that can take a while ...

thank you Polter you've responded to my threads before and your links are always really helpful. your echolalia one was the first I'd heard of it, I just thought DS was clever remembering books but now I wonder how much he's actually understood in the past couple of years...because his speech seemed so good I assumed he knew what was going on, now I'm thinking he's just been repeating things he's heard/saying what he thinks he should say much of the time. my concern with this though is that at the moment I spend 24 hours a day with him..I know every conversation he's had/heard and I know every book by heart too - so when he comes out with phrases/talks to himself when lining up his toysplaying I know where it's come from. Once he starts nursery I'll have no idea how much of his speech comes from him and how much is echoed.

those fact files are great but make me cross, I brought up several issues mentioned in them with my HV at his two year check and was fobbed off reassured there was nothing to worry about, I've called another almost in tears during a 2 hour meltdown and been told "toddlers have tantrums" - this child isn't trying to manipulate or get attention - he'll 'tantrum' in an empty room - he's crying out for help! I feel it's a long road ahead but I'm getting ready to fight for my boy!

I will look at the other links in more detail when I have 5 minutes, the trouble is without a diagnosis there's always that nagging feeling I'm paranoid and wasting people's time!

thank you all for your advice

sorry on phone so can't read back until I've posted. I've not read those books (can only really find time to read on my phone and the out of sync child isn't available) but I have read 'growing an in-sync child' by the same authors and have begun to try some things from there. I will check out the other one

There are some OT sensory things you can do at home, they will help with his outbursts - google 'Sensory Diet Activities'. You as mum are the best radar, don't let people fob you off, pursue a referral until you get one so that if nothing else you can rule out your concerns, , good luck :)

thank you, you're all so lovely! zzzz about SALT - won't I be laughed out of the office/off the phone if DS has excellent speech? - it's very clear and articulate, pronunciation is pretty spot on I think bar a few sounds (th for example) - I will Google what they deal with I think! yes keeping him calm is needed, it's getting him there in the first place that's tricky! we're in a pickle this morning because our plans have changed suddenly and we're at a loose end. he just can't handle it and my brain isn't working to know what to do - so far he's spun the wheels on a toy ambulance, lined his cars up and hit me repeatedly when I've asked him to get dressed or something has fallen down/been in his way. he's so intense I don't get a minute to process it all, I'm struggling to maintain an accurate diary because he's either demanding something, destroying something, melting down or once he's asleep I can't remember it all!

yes I think there's lots to work on there, that's all I need really; a plan and reassurance that I'm not imagining things/just a shit parent

can you explain the photo/sentence thing please? yes that makes sense. the local SALT have drop in sessions. his hearing was tested a couple of months ago and came back absolutely fine. my concerns were not always responding to his name and his reaction to certain sounds - which I know believe is a sensory issue. I could tell the woman thought I was a bit odd but I suppose I'll have to grow a thick skin to that!

oh!! you mean for the diary! excellent idea, I've already done that with some of his lining up of toys...I think I'm going to have a lot of pictures of him red faced/running away

hi there - yes we found the pictures worked great - pictures on the phone or a range of relevant photos in a little photo album - you point at what you are going to do and talk them thru what about to happen with the pictures : put on your shoes (show him pic of his shoes); going in the car/bus/train (relevant picture again) to the supermarket (pic) we found it worked wonders especially if there is a treat at the end of the list - even if thats just a fruit pouch or snack bar - DS just liked knowing the plan. DS 3.6 now and grown out of the anxiety he felt about not knowing what was going on - took about 9 months...

polter thank you, yes I think these are the issues exactly, I just need to know a bit more what I'm looking for and get it written down I think so I know what to talk to them about - at the moment I'm not sure how to articulate it and I think they'll think I'm being paranoid

zzzzz would eye problems mean frustration/behavioural issues or something else? I've no cause for concern but I'm sure he'd love a trip to the optition (just like in a book we've read)

Toni we've done a visual timetable for a while, it's got pictures of him doing all the mundane stuff like getting dressed (still a massive fight), cleaning his teeth (ditto at bedtime), getting into PJs (OMG when DH tries to do it you'd think he was being tortured) - it works sometimes but not others, so I'm starting to leave him in his PJs/let him choose his own clothes, whatever works! it's the times we don't have a plan for the day or plans get changed that we struggle (and coming home from activities but that's another issue) - he just wanders around aimlessly being destructive, agressive and reciting stories to himself/banging things or stomping.

it's so helpful to hear from you all, I'm starting to get a clearer picture, I just need more confidence that I'm right in that something's not quite right IYKWIM

ooh a question - should I be concerned about a funny tone of voice? DS often talks like he's closing his throat tight, kind of an authoritative voice and he says stuff that I've said to him like "the best thing to do is..." whilst showing someone how he does something. he's generally quite bossy and seems to relate to adults much better than children (although gets severe stranger anxiety at times too) and seems to think he's one of them. do children on the spectrum 'dictate' or am I reading into things?

ah Polter that link is great, explains so much. I'd never have found it as wouldn't know what to look for. I've just found some excellent downloads from the Autism West Midlands website on social communication, I will look through and take for the SALT assessment. thanks all again, feeling much more positive