Agressive/Miserable 3 year old

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

DS is 3.2 and I suspect is on the spectrum somewhere. he has many sensory issues and I think coordination issues and I am in the process of seeing how his 'symptoms' fit the triad. I am a SAHM so the only person really to see all this apart from DH. he starts nursery this month so I'm keeping a diary and will ask them to keep an eye before going to the GP to ask for a referral.

my problem at the moment is that he's clearly miserable and I don't know why or how to help him. he's whinging constantly, having screaming fits through frustration with toys etc and has started to throw heavy wooden toys at me and DD who is 18 months in a fit of rage if something doesn't go his way. I already completely 'manage' our routine to fit around trying to keep him happy and not overwhelmed but the agressive and violent behaviour I have no clue what to do.

this morning I had to leave him in a room by himself because I was starting to get cross - he was screaming "no, no no!" and lashing out at DD and I, really scaring her. at the weekend my MIL was playing with him, getting right up in his face and saying things loudly over and over to get him to laugh uncontrollably...it clearly got too much for him and I could see him starting to get hyperactive and aggressive, luckily the game changed and he held it together until she left but afterwards had a huge meltdown again lashing out - in this instance I could clearly see what had caused it (looking back it happened a lot when he was a baby too, just more of hours of crying after too much intense 'playing') but most of the time lately I have no idea what's building up to a meltdown, he just explodes for what feels like no reason

I'm very much of the idea that he needs help to deal with emotions rather than be punished, but I think I'm going to have to start removing toys so nobody gets hurt. I believe his 'behaviour' isn't 'behavioural' at all if that makes sense, I'm convinced he's struggling and trying to find an outlet but at the moment all I have is oblivious family members and friends (he's so NT around them and saves it all for when we get home or they leave) and a HV who is sympathetic but not very helpful

any tips on dealing with aggression with possible SPD/ASD/DCD? how can I be there for him but protect myself/DD? how can I find out what's driving it?

Hi NiceCup - I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to post as my nearly 3 year old seems to have a lot of similarities to yours. I saw your thread title and thought that sounds like my son! Also when you said:he is always either 'demanding something, destroying something, melting down', that rang bells too and the use of the bossy voice repeating phrases he's heard us use. Also the repeating books thing!

It's hard isn't it - I have been using the 123-Magic book method where you punish bad behaviour with a timeout. I'm not sure whether it is the right thing to do but the advantage is that it allows me to remain calm and feel in control whereas before I just didn't know how to handle his behaviour at all.

We are in the process of having my DS assessed privately (I know we are very fortunate to be able to do so) to try and find out how we can help him. I'm not sure whether he will get an ASD diagnosis or not - his speech and understanding is good (apart from the echolalia) and he seems able to talk and relate to adults reasonably well (but not good with other children). However, my feeling is that the more we can find out about his issues the more we can try to help him.

I'll try and let you know if I find out anything useful during the process as our sons do sound quite similar.

thanks all, I am still reading, reading reading, making notes and lists and will continue to observe until I have a complete representation to take to an assessment. a friend of mine is a TA and she thinks they have to run through a list before they assess/take you seriously which basically goes -

1. is it just the parents? ie has anyone else noticed anything
2. is it bad parenting/bad behaviour? so will advise parenting classes
3. is it something else? so will advise cutting out certain foods or something
4. is it normal for their age...so will suggest you wait and see

I'm sure it's not a complete list but her theory is it all comes down to money (ie they can't assess everyone) which makes a lot of sense.. but makes me realise I might have to fight every step of the way!

raining thank you. it's comforting to know I'm not alone! I have seen 1,2,3 magic recommended on the parenting boards but haven't read it yet. I think the time to calm ourselves is important but I don't like the idea of time out, especially because I don't believe DS's behaviour is 'behavioural' if that makes sense. but unfortunately if he continues to hit I may have to implement it against my parenting methods just to keep everyone safe!

do let me know how you get on.

I've found a great list of social communication difficulties online and DS seems to be showing a great deal of them, thank you to everyone who brought this to my attention, I never would have thought there was a language problem until reading your posts and information, I now have a clue what to say to a SALT and hopefully we can get the ball rolling

just a quick update; I went to the SALT drop in this morning, the lady was really understanding and listened to all my concerns. she has referred us to the local child development centre so DS will be seen by a SALT, pediatrician, OT etc. I'm so relieved that the ball is rolling and I didn't have to try and explain my concerns to the GP! so thank you to everyone who shared experiences and information...I'll be back I'm sure but feeling positive

oh I will zzzzz - my hope is in a couple of years I'll be on these boards helping people in the position I've found myself in the past few years. without it I'd have next to no clue what was happening or what to do about it!

keep a note of her name in case you need her again for something else! good luck :)