Hi Babies
(Just previewed this and it's a massive post, but I wanted to share our experiences with you, in the hope it might help either you, your dh our both of you to decide on your next step.)
I was in a similar position to you. One teacher, head of KS1, agreed that my ds was quirky and probably on the ASD spectrum, but said he'd never get a diagnosis - no-one else would listen. Dh was very anti 'labelling' and I felt powerless to help my ds, but it was me that spent the majority of my time with him, me that picked him up from school and dealt with the aftermath and me that had to practically carry him through the infants.
In our case my ds had a breakdown when he entered the juniors, despite it effectively just being a new class in the same school for him. His anxiety levels rocketed, he developed digestive issues, migraines, reflux and tics. School still claimed not to see a problem, despite him disengaging from lessons completely and spending all day every day reading in the corner of a classroom.
At that point dh started to listen a little more, but was still very anti 'labelliing'. That was when I joined MNSN and the lovely people there helped talk me through the whole label/signpost thing. I bought a few books they recommended off Amazon:
The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwood
Parenting a child with Asperger's
Appreciating Asperger's Syndrome Looking at the Upside, with 300 Positive Points
I read them, talked to dh and encouraged him to read them.
Diagnosis or not, the strategies used to support chlidren who have ASD work on all children, so I figured I had nothing to lose by trying some. Dh started to see the difference in ds when we handled him differently, he witnessed his anxiety and physical symptoms reduce when we handled him a certain way - and when he was pulled out of school for a couple of weeks, as a result of being physically ill from the anxiety.
I also got dh to browse MNSN and read not only what had been posted in relation to my own questions, but what other parents were going through.
He then agreed to go and have a discussion with our GP and see what she thought.
Situation at school also meant that I ended up phoning the Ed Psych crisis line for our Local Authority and they sent out an EP to observe ds at school.
Following a GP appointment with just dh and I present, we took ds to see her - and in our case we were lucky as the GP also has a child with ASD - and she was confident that referral to a paediatrician for assessment was the right course of action.
We saw a paed with him, who then referred onto the multi-disciplinary ASD assessment team and it was that team that ultimately diagnosed ds.
I am telling you all this because everyone told me that if my ds was on the spectrum he was so mild he wouldn't get a diagnosis - yet when the right professionals met and assessed him there was absolutely no question about whether or not he had Asperger's.
It might help to tell your dh that at the point of diagnosis we were asked whether or not we wanted a formal diagnosis to go on record. Also, as others have said, ds's diagnosis is his. He gets to choose who does and doesn't get told and until he was old enough to start wanting to share it himself we kept it strictly between us and the medical and educational professionals who were involved with him, plus one or two close family members.
I should also add that once diagnosed the school SENCO and Head, told us that he categorically wouldn't get a statement, as he was far too mild and it simply wouldn't happen - especially in our LA area. We ignored them, applied ourselves and ... they were wrong again - he got a high-needs statement, on our first application.
My ds is now 11 (12 next week actually). He wasn't diagnosed until he was 8 (almost 9) but having a diagnosis has made a massive difference to the way he has been handled at school, even prior to the statement being issued. He has been placed in an out of county independent secondary school by our Local Authority, without us having to argue or go through an appeal to get him in and they don't do that for children that don't have genuine need. Everyone who said he either didn't have ASD or was far too mild to get/need a diagnosis or support was very wrong and it's worth bearing in mind that most of the people who make statements like that are simply not qualified to make that judgement. Only a clinical psychologist can diagnose ASD, anyone else is just giving your their personal, usually uneducate, opinion - even (especially in most many cases) the SENCO.
They don't diagnose children who don't have ASD with having it and if, at the end of the assessment process your ds did meet the criteria for diagnosis it would be because he has ASD and the diagnosis is an explanation/signpost, not a label, for that reason.
Try reminding your dh that we all have many labels, I, for example, am a Mum, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Grandaughter, Aunt. I am a brunette, I am British, I am working class etc. None of those labels define me and a diagnosis, if you think of it as a label, won't define your ds. It will just help those that need to work with, help and support him, understand his needs. Every single person who has ASD is an individual, with different needs, likes, dislikes, abilities, struggles etc, just like everyone else.
My ds is a Son, Brother, Cousin, Grandson, Best Friend. He is blond, he is short, he is a secondary school pupil, he's a member of the UK Pokemon League, a gamer, a joker and so very much more. He has ASD, but he is not ASD, iyswim. Most people that meet him will never know about his diagnosis, they don't need to and he will tell them if he wants to. You don't even have to disclose it on job applications if you don't want to, but if you choose to it can afford you the protection of anti disablism laws.
I have been where you are now and I feel for you, it's a dreadful feeling as a mother and also a very lonely place when not even your dh/partner is in agreement with you.
Not sure if any of what I've said is helpful to you, but I wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that from that same starting point we have come such a long way and things have worked out for ds. We still have our struggles, but dh and I have never regretted going for a diagnosis and then applying for a statement ourselves - and that is despite dh being extremely 'anti' in the beginning.
