I want to help DS and I don't know how

[Babieseverywhere]

I always knew my beloved DS was wired differently than his siblings. I worried a lot about his lack of eye contact, even as a breastfeed baby he wouldn't look at me. But I pushed my worries aside and told myself he was fine.

He hates school and recently had a massive melt down on the way to school, I spoke to a teacher (senco ?) about my concerns all 4 x A4 papers worth. I said I understood many/all of my concerns can be seen in NT children, but is it normal to have all these concerns in one child.

After listening to all the concerns, she told me though she couldn't give a dx, it was clear our son is on the austic spectrum but so mild he won't get a dx.

This has me very conflicted. Relieved that his behaviour is not due to my bad parenting, sad as I want his life to be easy, cross as without a dx he'll continue to be labelled negatively by other teachers, children and parents.

She said potentially she could refer him to get help to make friends. He has no friends but doesn't seem to notice or care. As DH said I care more than he does.

This evening I picked him up from a school party, he was crying, melting down, really upset, as he hadn't won anything. Despite being nearly 6yo his melt downs are similar to a 3yo. Teacher with him, seemed cross with him. :(

He loses dinner time and frequent times out, for behaviour out of his control, like fidgeting in class and not playing playground games properly.

How do I help DS cope better with school ?

Stay in the house all the time on the computer with no visitors makes things easier for Ds. But that is not fair on the girls, who love the park and getting out and I am stuck in the middle.

I have cancelled everything I can think of and I am doing housework, food shopping in the evening when my husband gets home to avoid taking the kids (well DS the girks love shopping) shopping etc.

I do love him to pieces, just wonder if he will ever grow up like the other kids ?

He had a tablet but after he threw it in temper a few times it is no longer mendable and we can't replace it atm, maybe by summer.

Not that it matters but I don't have twins one of the 2yo was my friends child. My younger girls are coming up 2yo and 4yo.

We have a family event at the weekend and I am dreading it, what if DS melts down...he is getting to hard to distract and all he will do is talk Minecraft, I worry about comments made to and about him. Hopefully they will be chilling out with wine and not notice his new obession.

Ooh babies, you are so not a terrible parent! You are a great mum, trying to do the right thing by all of your children. I only had the one to deal with and I found it hard enough, you have to balance your DS’s needs against your DDs.

A couple of things that helped my DS “out and about” were fidget toys that he could hold (even a bit of blu-tak to fiddle with) and also story tapes on an old Walkman, or later on a cheapish MP3 player with earphones. He could zone out the rest of the world and listen to the story as he walked along. Also my DS coped a lot better when he knew exactly what was going to happen during the day, I made him a timetable with pictures on it to show him exactly what we were going to do next day - breakfast, computer, park, computer, lunch, and so on, then talked it through with him.

Anyway, good on you for braving the GP, it's a big step to take. Hope the weekend goes well for you all.

I found things got easier when my DS learned to tell the time and I could say “we will go home at 11 o’clock” or “we will go home in ten minutes” (it might have to be “in 10 minutes I will put DD2 in the buggy and then we will go home” Meantime a visual timer might come in handy. Only I always had to do things exactly when I said I would, no delays or changing my mind or there’d be trouble (sigh)

There are quite a few websites that sell fidget toys, timers and other handy bits and bobs like this one though they tend to come and go. As for food shopping, the weekly supermarket delivery (they seem to be having a price war so it only costs 3 pounds a month for a midweek delivery!) has been a great help for us.

Nothing much I could do about family gatherings. Luckily our families were pretty tolerant and understanding about DS's behaviour, especially after his diagnosis.

Babies I have three children so I understand what you mean by not wanting to ruin everyone else's day staying in. I found it better as polter said to just stick with one thing and not overschedule. Also to avoid being bound by other people's arrangements, like meeting friend if that adds to tension.

I think your son's reactions were anxiety to not knowing when you were leaving or how long you were staying.

Thanks for the posts.

The family event was much quieter than I expected, thanks goodness.

Our kids mainly played in the garden together.

DS was a bit shouty and ate far too much and ended up with tummy ache, bless him.

Interestingly had a meltdown the moment wegot hime, over tired and over filled but over all a much better day than I hoped.

Yes, I am looking at sorting out a visual timetable or whiteboard and fidget toys but as DH thinks I am creating problems I have to move slowly.

I'm glad your family day went well! Yes, my DS was a great one for having a huge tantrum after an exciting (but demanding) day. But then so were most of the kids in my family to be honest

You are right to take your time with things. It must be very hard for you and for your DH when you are not on the same page about it. But it does not sound as if you are creating your DS's problems, instead you are managing his difficulties as well as you can.

My Ds school told me for 3 years all was well and even with private dx they still doubted, too mild, a boy and boys are slow learners, he is compliant, thankfully I followed my heart and hopefully you will too your child needs you, trust yourself.
Don't listen to what school say no matter how well trained you think they are. I listened to school for too long and last year I put my foot down and now here we are going through the statement process and both private and nhs dx ASD. Do as much research as possible and if you think there is 'something' keep going no matter what. Good luck

Sorry I X posted with your older posts I didn't see the whole thread.

Your not a bad parent it's hard, really hard.

I noticed you mentioned about getting an assessment without school involvement. I just wanted to say that my Ds school played down everything down to our peaditrician and even when outside professionals came in to see Ds they didn't see a lot of what I was telling them was happening but Ds got a dx. It took 18 months all in all. Our private assessments costs £1100. Ds has found a way to seem to be coping at school but he doesn't actually as he falls to pieces when he gets home and refuses to go to school everyday.

I hope you can talk with your dh and get him to understand

Skylar, that is just like our son...seems to cope ish at school but is so anxious before and after because of school.

Just had a very embrassing incident in our library, I was sat in the kids section with my friend and our children, playing with the toys the library provides. Waiting for the kids story time session.
There was two separate adults in the rest of the library.

Children played with blocks, my son's blockman got knocked over. He had a meltdown, crying and shouting and ran out of the room, to hide under sofa in hall.

By the time I had quickly stood up to chase after him, the librarian had run over, to tell us to control the noise as they were losing customers :(

I feel so embrassed and angry, surely they can tell the difference between a child being too noisy and a child being highly distressed and having a meltdown.

Of course we left straight away, didn't want to cause any further problems.

I found that was one of the benefits of having a diagnosis - it made it easier for me to get right up on my high horse and say things like “My son is calming down as fast as he can, I’m sure he’ll be fine in a couple of minutes. It really is none of your other customers’ business. And what about your inclusion policy?” At least, that'd be on a good day when I'm feeling mentally tough, not when I'm feeling fragile

I'm sorry the librarian was so witchy, people can be really horrible sometimes.

DH and I have agreed to put him forward for the social classes the Senco offered.

l have also arranged to be on the waiting list for paediatrician appointment, likely to be June, so a while to go. I already have 12 pages of typed concerns and behaviour diary...wonder how long it will be by June and this is just bare highlights.

DH thinks this is a waste of time but I said I need to do this for my own peace of mind. I really hope by the time we get an appointment, he will be happy to come with us. I think he will, he is a wonderful husband and father...he just needs more time to think about things.