'You autistic bastard'

[jussi]

So this is what the ex husband of a new friend said to a pet cat while I was at the friend's house.
To put in context, have recently made friends with a family who also home school. My children have made good friends with their children and the parents are lovely, have really clicked with them.
Yesterday, while visiting, the ex husband dropped off his daughter and was there for literally 2 minutes but within these 2 minutes jostled with the cat and said the above phrase to it. He doesn't know me nor that my son has autism. Tbh, I felt sick and was trying hard to comprehend what I'd just heard. I zoned out a bit and felt frozen to the spot. By the time I had 'come round' he was on his way out.
Nothing was mentioned but when I got home I felt pretty upset. Now, if someone had told me this had happened to them, I would have said, I hope you told him what for. I was too shocked to say anything in the time he was there.
I've tried to let it go but I can't and feel I need to say something to the mum (she was in the room but didnt say anything). Don't know if she felt embarrassed or not. I know it was not her that said it and I don't want her to feel in any way to blame or feel bad and have therefore thought maybe to leave it and put it down to ignorance but then on the other hand, I really don't think it is okay and she blatantly heard it and I feel I should mention something to her in the hope she may mention it to her ex husband. Even if just to make him think for a second. Pretty obvious why he is an ex!!!

Has your child ever been called 'special' van/mycat?

Do you know how much it hurts??

And that's where we disagree because I don't see it as a 'medical' condition. It is a benign condition. Implying that's it's a medical condition implies it needs treatment

It is a condition that requires a medical diagnosis that can only be given by a medically trained professional. I think that means that it must be a medical condition.
However, that doesn't mean that it needs treatment or fixing. We are a very positive about autism household. The world is a better place for having people on the spectrum in it.

Calling anyone/anything an autistic bastard, is obviously an insult and the insulting word is aimed at the autistic characteristic. That is why it is offensive.

I have been known to say to my cat, 'you are so autistic' when she insists on things being just so, but that is never an insult, it's an observation about her lovely personality. It makes me smile that she is able to make her needs so clear!

And surely any word followed by 'bastard' shows that the user intends it as an insult.

My dear god - why does someone (2 people ) feel the need to turn up and say we should accept our children being referred to as a 'bit special' or accept that autistic bastard is used if it's a joke. And then say they're going to storm off because no-one agrees with them - which obviously makes us all PO and sarcastic.

FWIW - my Ds is extremely special to me!

Lougle - to say this about a member of your family is very derogatory. ......because she is of a culture where words are cheap and you just pick up what other people are saying.

My DS has been referred to many times as a 'bit specia'l. It doesn't bother me in the slightest as he is exactly that - a bit special. It's better than saying he has special needs as I find the whole idea of a child being 'needy' just because they have a cognitive difficulty is describing them as inferior and helpless - and that's very wrong.

Medicine is the treatment by drugs. You are wrong - you do not need a medical diagnosis of autism - you need a clinical diagnosis and that person who issues the dx may be a psychologfist who does not practice medicine. So it is not a 'medical condition' and to decsribe it as such is very poor practicise as it is a benign condition not disease or illness that needs medical treatment.

As for using 'autistic bastard' the OP who piled in there would see it was used in the context of describing a cat and not a person. There is an AIBU running at the momemnt asking of the word 'bastard' is offensive - the consensus is that it isn't. Except it seem to be on here

A lot of this depends on age / expereinec / robustness of language that is acceptable etc and possibly whether you go gooey or puke over the fluffy Holland Story'.

But I can't help thinking that if you get upset at having your child described by memebers of your family with no axe to grind as 'a bit special' then I feel (and I am entitled to as, afte all, you don't have a monopoly on SN children, I have one too) you are really over-reacting. I save my outrage for the real insults that are directed at our children from the uncaring bastards.

And there you are trying to categorise people en masse, again.

FWIW, there few people here who think that the Holland poem is anything other than rancid tripe.

There are people on here who lurve the Holland crap which is why they trot it out so frequently.

I'm not trying to categorise anyone. I just hate the herd mentality that makes people suddenly decide that terms that have up until now been OK are suddenly beyond the pale.

I actually hate to see the word 'different' descibe my DS in reports. I personally find that very offensive. By what yardstick is he being measured as 'different'? But that seems to be (for now) an acceptable term.

So, you have decided that 'a bit special' = non C.

And some of you have decided that 'bastrad' = not acceptable on this particular board on MN.

We ought to get the rules written down some time if we can tear our hands away from clutching our pearls and having the vapours at all these dreadful words

You are wasting your outrage then... Van

Those type of people will never have their views changed by you, their views are too entrenched for you to change.

The people that we need to concentrate on are those that are capable of having their views changed by a reasoned argument. Those people tend to have what the former group lack... human kindness, so are capable of seeing a different point of view that maybe they hadn't considered before so understand how something said might be offensive to another.

I have never read/heard the term "bit special" in another way, other than in a negative/piss take context to describe someone with a learning disability... so why would anyone not be offended by that.

"Lougle - to say this about a member of your family is very derogatory. ......because she is of a culture where words are cheap and you just pick up what other people are saying."

It's absolutely the truth. Perhaps derogatory, I accept. But the truth none the less.

Words are powerful and should be used with care. If someone can't be bothered to think of what the words they use mean, then I'm not going to sit back and ignore that.

Why should I have to listen to someone describing someone they know as 'a bit special'???

Van, nobody's saying that autistic in itself is offensive or that bastard in itself is unacceptable (obviously depends on the circumstances). Just that by saying autistic bastard, that turns autistic into an insult.

Why is it OK for you to object to ginger bastard and different, but nobody else is allowed to find anything else offensive?

BTW, I detest the Holland thing.

Well I must lead a sheltered life because I have never taken 'a bit special' to be derogatory/piss-take. Casting my mind back the last time I heard it used was by DS's step-mother as shorthand instead of describing all DS's problems of crowds, noise, etc i.e. we'll go to the cinema at a quiet time as DS is a bit special. No offence taken here over that comment. It was better than hearing her trot up all DS's individual problems.

However I will be the first to admit that in RL I stay well away from all things SN so have had no exposure to what the latest Bad Words are. I have a book at home that describes the author as "working with retarded children" and I flinch at that.

I won't be told I'm overreacting to someone using a general term of insult towards people with special needs/additional needs/disability/clinically diagnosed conditions/medically diagnosed conditions.

I have no respect for anyone who would reduce such important issues to 'clutching pearls' and 'having the vapours', especially when words are the vehicle of communicating concepts.

If 'special' wasn't something negative, then the phrase would never have come into being as an insult, would it? Nobody would know what someone means when they say 'they're a bit special'. But, of course, they do know.

Remind me...how many times has someone thrown a party because their child has been diagnosed with SN? How many times has anyone been overjoyed to be told? What? None...thought so. The nearest they come is 'glad that finally they have the label they needed so they get some help.'

To pretend that your DS has aspergers and that it causes him no issues is frankly deluded. He may well have got to the stage where he has learned coping strategies to minimise the effect of his Aspergers, but that doesn't mean the effects aren't there. Otherwise, he wouldn't have a diagnosis - to get a diagnosis you have to have marked 'impairments' in 3 areas.

I see people laughing about their amputated leg. It doesn't mean it causes them no difficulties and that they are delighted they had to have the amputation. It just means they've accepted it.

Ah yes, retarded. I get that a lot. Normally from the younger generation who don't realise what the word means. I find that saying 'please don't use the word retarded, my daughter is retarded' is enough to stop them repeating it, at least in my hearing.

Jeez - what an overreaction.

You all pile in determined to put words in my mouth that I didn't say and profess to be grossly insulted when none was intended.

Who says I am trying to pretend that my DS's Aspergers causes him no issues, How on earth did you determine that - on my behalf? I think you'd find that erm actually it does cause him quite a few issues thank you. So another case of trying to make out I've said something I haven't.

You must have some huge chips on your shoulders. That is very sad. Having to go through life being the word-ploice for SNs.

^If 'special' wasn't something negative, then the phrase would never have come into being as an insult, would it?*

It isn't negative and it isn't a general insult - it's only you that are determined to make it one.

You must mix with some pretty nasty people if you hear the word 'retard' and a lot and have people upsetting you by calling your child 'special'.

You know I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that there is absolutely no room on this board for views that do not comply with the very strict criteria that are set by what one of our detractors recently scornfully called 'the SN Brigade'.

When we've banned every word in the English language we will have no MN. We'll just have to grunt at each other in case using an actual word )God forbid) upsets somebody.

Van, what a weird response!

The other day someone I know referred to someone as 'a bit special' with an accompanying facial expression, which I believe Ricky Gervaise referred to as a 'mong face' - now, I pointed out to them that it was pretty insulting, even though they weren't actually talking about ds, and they were mortified. People do come out with stupid shit, and it is certainly not just on here that I have used the term 'special' or 'speshul' as a derogatory way to refer to disabled people.

I am part of no 'sn brigade' or one of the 'professionally offended' - it requires zero effort to not use words and expressions that are hurtful and insulting.

As for the whole 'Holland' thing, no I am not a fan of the poem, but I know a lot of people who derive comfort from it when they are in a very hard place, and if it helps those people, then I can't see what the big deal is - after all we are not all some hive mind, eh?

VanDerGaagTransporten I'm sorry you're obviously having a hard time right now. Why you've decided to bring that on to this board and tear people apart who have enough to deal with day to day, I can't fathom.

I'm convinced that this conversation is nothing more than something for you to vent your anger at.

The English dictionary, apparently, contains 171,476 words in current usage. I don't think asking for people to remove (probably) 30 that relate to people with disabilities is going to render us unable to communicate

I don't mix with nasty people, just ignorant ones.

To be honest most people find language important , it is one way that people have found to be spiteful to each other , when there not being physical.
Sometimes it may not even be the words that are being spoken but the way they are being portrayed that brings offence .
What gives us the right to be offensive to someone else just because they happen to have some differences , we all individuals , therefore all have differences . The world would be a nicer place if we all just take a minute to think before we speak , we teach our children this so maybe as adults , we can learn from our children, who don't see differences until an adult points them out .

Beacuse if you decide that the word 'special' is not acceptable you have effectively thrown in the towel.

I am old enough to remember when 'gay' stopped describing someone who was happy and was appropraited by LGBT. Some of us may even remember when 'Sing if you're glad to be gay' was an anthem for this community.

Now we're told (note the word 'told') that gay is actually a derogatory term. Says who?

Now we're being told that the word 'special' is also derogatory.

And that is very sad because 'special' has been a very inclusive and postive way of describing the need for additional support. So to start saying, actually 'special' is a bad word, you have completely given in to those idiots like Gervais and co. If your child is called special you should embrace it and say - yes, actually you are quite right, my child is incredibly special to us. If the word is used in a non-SN context as, what you perceive to be an insult, then ignore it. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them claim 'our' special word.
And that's what's so inappropriate when you start pulling up family members for using the term when they are referring to someone with real SNs in a non-threatening and supportive context. You are conflating the 2 uses and you are fuelling the 'special is bad' connotation. And that's particularly sad as the parents of children with SN are fighters so why are they retreating without a fight from the use of the word 'special'.

Who decides these things? Who is telling me what words I can / not use?

I have never seen or heard anyone roll their eyes or pull faces and call someone 'special'. I must be lucky or perhaps they know me well enough not to bother trying.

I am not 'having a hard time' so you can stuff your pity - thank you.

Van - to take any characteristic of a person that they have no control over and use it to belittle others is offensive to people with that characteristic. Whether that's a disability or the colour of their hair makes no difference. "A bit special" is used with exactly the same intention as "retard".

Ouryve. If you took that reasoning to the nth degree then you wouldn't be able to define SNs at all for fear of it being misappropriated at some future date.

Or perhaps that's what is actually happening. Throughout history a perfectly acceptable word is eventually misappropriated and becomes taboo.

Perhaps this is just another turn of the wheel.

So we can expect some new terminology to replace special an for it to be misappropriated and also become taboo.