I need some urgent advice

[Skylar123]

I'm sorry for all my posts recently but I'm starting to lose the will to live. Ds refuses sch so we are on late starts it's still hard getting him in but 4 days out of 5 he goes albeit reluctantly.
I'm here again late for work and at my wits end he is having a major tantrum and has made it quite clear since 7am that there is no way he is facing school today. Apart from literally dragging him to the car what on earth can I do. Is it me am I being weak? I'm being firm I'm making it clear he has to go to school . I'm trying out rewards to going to school , not working. He is screaming blue murder that he hates school he kicks me when I go near him he is begging me not to send him there. Now I can pick him up just about albeit a struggle and take him to the car. Or I can continue talking to him calmly and waiting for him to come round.

He's not refusing school. He's refusing stress, anxiety, confusion and fear. Who wouldn't?

What are the school doing to address this?

This is why I no longer have a job! Sometimes for ds2 letting him off the first lesson of the day has helped and then he has managed to go in but it sounds like you have already tried that. How is he coming out of school. Currently, we are essentially forcing ds2 to go into school but most days he is coming out of school fairly relaxed - so I think for him it is the engrained, thought of school rather than the actuality that is the problem. Having said that he is on very reduced hours at the moment and still protesting. What support is there for him in school - if little or none - then I think I would let him off for the morning and try again this afternoon or tomorrow. How sympathetic is your boss?

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time with your DS at the moment. My DD has a long history of school refusal so I sympathise.

I have to agree with Starlight though in that its a reaction to extreme anxiety that's causing the school refusal and you need to listen to your DS and try to get to the bottom of what's causing him such distress.

With my DD, the advise from the teachers and psychologist/psychiatrists involved seemed to be get her into school come what may. However that is a lot easier to do when your child is in a safe environment as my DD is lucky enough to be in now. I wish I had not dragged her in when she was in her previous school setting as it was not safe for her or meeting her needs at all.

Is your DS getting any help from school or CAMHS? If not can you ask you GP for an urgent referral to CAMHS?

DDs school used to reward her for a full week of attendance every Monday with an activity she enjoyed doing on her own with a favourite teacher. They also helped me leave her on difficult mornings, usually finding her a job to do that allowed me to escape, even if it meant dragging her off me. They would also call me by break time to let me know she had settled.

I have to say though that the intervention that finally resolved the situation was medication for her ADHD, but that may not be applicable in your situation.

I hope you can get some help with this as its a horrible situation. Can you get some support for your self too?

Was going to ask the same as Starlight. What are school doing to make the prospect of going less frightening and overwhelming for him? Is he expected to go straight into a classroom - full of other people - and sit still and silent, while the register is taken, with no easing in, for example? Things like that are extremely difficult as a transition when you have an almost painful need to be on the move or be alone.

Thank you for your replies. I know that he is stressed and anxious I just need to work out what is causing it or at least be more specific as clearly it is school. He tells me he hates it all, I think writing is big issue for him. School now let him use a laptop once a week when they do literacy. Sch are saying they are trying to help and have given me a good day bad day form to fill out plus he is now having play therapy, his TA supposedly watches out for him during playtime and lesson time and is on hand if needed. He wont tell anyone at sch when he feels bad he just bottles it in. I asked him what he does when he needs help he said nothing. I need a trusted staff member at the school who can watch for him and tell me how he is honestly coping at sch. Its hard as I am not there to see what is happening and when he is getting stressed or anxious. Sch say he is fine when he is there, he needs a little help sometimes but that's it.

I am not sure what I would do if I didn't work and I do only work 3 days a week. I don't think I should let him stay away from school though as surely this will make the problem worse. or actually not worse but just not any better as the fear will always be there.

Currently he is going in on a good day at 9:30, being met by a learning support teacher and then being taken to class. what happens after that I have no idea. Sch senco said she is getting the specialist SpLD teacher to assess him next week for learning difficulties and we are having a meeting soon after.

I think that I need to talk to the school about making the curriculam more accessible to him and that a statement application may be in order to provide the support he may need.

I would like to never make him go to sch again and we live happily ever after in a bubble but obviously that is never going to happen.

Oh Skylar how utterly awful for you. School are obviously not 'seeing' what is happening for him and taking the calm exterior at face value. In addition to the SpLD assessment I would be tempted to keep him off until school can find a way to ameliorate the stress. Poor you

No they are not....thanks

he is 7 years old in year 3

waiting for CDAC around March time.
Referred by GP for Dyspraxia assessment.
Is that what you mean? sorry if not

I thought CAMHs did the same things as CDAC. The autism outreach specialist is going in to see Ds at school In jan.
I'm having a meeting with the sch in the morning.
Do I need to get a statement that names the school to get Ds into a specialist school?

I think you need to don flameproof knickers and get the Paed in the phone to get him assessed ASAP. Or get the SENCO to make the call.

Just a tiny idea that might help you find out what specifically is causing your DS so much distress - instead of asking him what he doesn't like at school, try asking him what could change to make it better. Even if his ideas of what needs to change aren't realistic solutions, it could help him and you identify the problem areas.

We went through similar with ds (Yr 2), earlier this year. I found it exhausting and draining and was amazed there wasn't more support - either through health or education services.

Like yours, ds's school told us he was fine once he was there (but he would explode at me as soon as I picked him up). Forcing him - on the advice of the school - made everything worse, his anxiety levels went through the roof, he was refusing to go to bed, staying awake until midnight, began refusing to leave the house at all, etc etc

If I could go through those months again, I wouldn't force him in (but I didn't have to to work so I can see your situation is really different). I would also have asserted myself sooner and more strongly at school and pushed for some action from them.

In the end, we felt we moved him to a very small, very nurturing independent school. I never thought for one minute that I would end up paying for my child's education but we'd reached a situation where we felt there was no choice. And fortunately he is happy there and we've had absolutely no school refusal since he started in Sept.

It has shown me how much difference the right environment can make. I hope you have more success than we did in finding the right setting in the state system.

Thanks guys. I feel so stressed Ds says less school will make school better, that's all he says. I will tell senco today that we need outreach in sooner . I spoke to paed yesterday in a moment of despair she said she understands it's hard but really sch need to be dealing with it. No mention of assessing him sooner. I'm not even sure what difference it makes as we all know as he has private dx. Would I get more support? I'm going to be stronger willed today in meeting as this can't go on any longer.

Thank you for the camhs mention as I got a referral from senco to camhs today. Sch are saying all is well at school only issues are that Ds struggles with transition. They are helping with that. They say he is not struggling to listen, sit still, understand what is required from him. Dead end...again!

"Sch are saying all is well at school"

They are still not hearing you. I would keep him off and write a letter saying your son is distressed as there are needs pertinent to ASD that are not being met and that he will be at home until those needs are identified and provided for. When the 'unauthorised absences' stats start rising it might make the school listen a bit better?

Did you ask the Paed to move the NHS assessment forward? Did you ask directly for a referral to OT for sensory assessment based on the private dx?

If the assessment takes place sooner then Autism Outreach can be brought in sooner. But if you don't ask you don't get!

I agree with Handywoman about keeping him off. I got the 'fine at school' stuff until DS refused to go in & then suddenly the SENCO was very keen to arrange lunchtime support and small group work.

The good news is is that I rang the autism outreach lady myself today and is not coming in on Tuesday rather than jan.
Oh yes that plan would def work as they are so precious about there attendance stats at Ds school. Kids are petrified of being late.
I told them clearly everything isn't alright at school as Ds is telling me it isn't and is having extreme anxiety attacks before school. They said that they don't know what it is, maybe the autism lady will see something they don't.
Sch said its a gradual thing and gradually they will work out what issues are with Ds not wanting to come to school. They showed me some
Of his work and it looked ok he told them he hates writing and that he didn't feel good about himself . He did this using a number chart 1-10 , he ticked 4 for how I feel and 3 for writing. Everything else was ticked at a 10 or 9. What the hell.