I need help convincing dh...

[RevoltInParadise]

I think I want to pull ds out of school. He made a list for me today of things he wants to change at school...

Stop picking on me
Start listening to me
Stop blaming me
Start letting me join in
Stop thinking i am telling lies
Stop annoying me
Stop trying to get me in trouble
For A; stop hugging me
For the other girls; stop trying to run away when I am trying to tell you something
For b; when I try to tell you something, stop saying go away all the time
For the other boys; stop trying to run away when I want to play
For c; stop waggling your finger and saying uh uh uh at me
Stop saying that someone is dealing with it when that someone is actually causing the issue... For example, c saying that D is the buddy when it is D leaving me out

They don't like me loads and they think I'm not nice when actually I am trying my best.

............

It breaks my heart. Dh is not against homeschooling as such. His main argument is financial. I do work but it is part time in the evenings and the weekends. When the youngest goes to school the plan was for me to go back to work. Obviously the extra money would be good and it would reduce the burden on dh but we muddle along ok now. Yes we are over drawn sometimes but I think ds is more important than that,certainly I want him out before his self esteem is completely shot.

Help/advice?

My heart breaks for you and your DS. He sounds like a lovely, intuitive, sensitive boy who is nevertheless utterly defeated.

My advice is to do what you know is right for your DS. Deep down, you already know what that is.

You sound incredibly strong, you're going to need to carry on being strong.

Remember any decision you make is not forever.

And most of all, you are your child's best - and only - advocate.

I don't feel strong. :(

I feel that it would best to take him out. Everyday we have conversations going around I circles about what x and y did and how this or that person didn't believe him.

I just wish we were millionaires!

I would have thought that list alone would get his attention.

Perhaps your DH would be more willing if you gave it a trial period - say 2 years - see where things are at. If after two years, your DS is doing well and you are financially able to stay afloat, then negotiate another 2 years. That at least gives you time to research other options as well.

Do you already get carer's allowance? That can help financially a little bit.

No we don't get careers. We have only just got the diagnosis. It is ADHD and suspected asd so I don't think we would qualify?

Carers.

And dh did see the list.he says ds has to realise it is his behaviour pushing people away. I agree but I also understand that ds is eight and not able to understand that and won't for awhile, even with the best help in the world, let AlOne two parents who are only learning to navigate the condition.

Does he get DLA? It's based on need, not diagnosis. And depending on him getting DLA (and what level), you might qualify for carer's allowance, depending again on your income (but if you're looking at not working obviously something to consider).

DS1 can sometimes recognise that his behaviour is pushing people away, but not very often. And even if he recognised it, he can't control it very well. He has ASD/ADHD (plus a few other things).

Does he have a statement yet? And is there an option of specialised schools in your area?

No dla. It was literally two weeks ago we found out. Would he qualify for dla? He is quite high functioning?

No statement. Again, dint think we would get one. And there is a ss nearby but I don't know if that would be best for him. We haven't told him btw.

We used to get told he presented fine at school. The corners report told a a different story. And just this week there have been three incidents. Have they been not telling us and tell us now because we have a piece of paper? Is he getting worse? I have no idea. :(

Conners.

Not that we got tod about the three incidents this time,btw.not directly. Ds told me and I asked a third party ho confirmed them.

Ough, wait, we did get told directly bout one.

Both statements and DLA are based on need, not diagnosis. DS1 got his statement and received DLA before we got a diagnosis.

Interesting. So a diagnosis would actually strengthen our case? I have no idea what we would say though? What sort if things do you put?

Look at guide on Cerebra website for DLA guide or your local carers charity may help you fill in DLA form. If you get middle rate or above you can also get carers and extra tax credits.

Thanks so much for your help. Will try a d draft am email. Do you think they will look at it in half term though? Or is it better to send first thing the Monday back? Also if I post it here, can someone pretty please review it for me? I have a habit if going all mama near and getting emotional

Bear

Ok email drafted.

Thanks for the links.

Also from here on in, now that we have the dx, best to get everything in writing, yes?

A friend asked why I was writing and not just asking but the advice I see on here over and over is to get it in writing?

Also does that include an ail follow up to meetings and my understanding of what is going to happen from the meeting? Will the school think I am being ott and provocative if I do that tho?

Can I please show you the email so i am not in over the top from the start?

Ok...

Dear X
As you know we have recently gained a diagnosis of ADHD for Ds, with possible underlying ASD.
I have been talking to Ds recently about school and he has devised a list (see attached) of worries that concern me. In light of his recent diagnosis, I would like to meet with you at the earliest opportunity to discuss a plan of support that will ensure these worries are minimized and he is supported at school adequately.
We have been researching some things that might help Ds in daily life and would like to discuss these ideas with you such as social stories, a buddy system and routines. Mrs y has been very helpful in providing us with visual routine cards that are consistent with the style the school uses and a visual timetable has now also been implemented at home.
From www.autism.org.uk:
“The over-riding physical state for most people with Asperger syndrome is anxiety. This anxiety is a result of trying to constantly keep up with teachers' demands as well as other pupils jokes and conversation.
It can be difficult for people who have not come across Asperger syndrome before, to appreciate the level of anxiety especially as many pupils have learnt to develop a superficial veneer of coping - appearing to 'fit in' socially in order to avoid being labelled odd and because many pupils with the diagnosis are keeping up with school work.
However many pupils explain that by the time they get home they are feeling stressed, angry and worn out. These true feelings inevitably come out when they are at home and they can vent their frustrations in safety.”
We particularly feel this is the case with Ds as he frequently lashes out at both us and his siblings. This lashing out has been witnessed by Mrs y and other parents on the playground. He has described to both us and Mrs y that he feels he has a box in his head that gets filled with frustration and when it opens the ‘angry’ comes out. We feel that if he is supported in school this will reduce the frustration and anxiety that he feels and this will help in both school and family life.
We look forward to working with you to help Ds gain the best out of his school career.
Sincerely,
Mr and Mrs revolt

So it's not too full on? It us the first sen related letter I have written to the school

I agree - good letter, well put together.