Bullying or kids being kids?

[claw2]

Ds has come home from school today really upset.

In his contact book, it was written that he didn't eat at all today in school and was upset in the afternoon. No explanation as to why.

I asked ds why he didn't want to eat and why he was upset. He says younger boys were teasing him in the playground. Ds says his 'friend' x witnessed it and 'tried to stick up for him'. Seems they were making fun of his lack of understanding and laughing at him, calling him 'an Indian' and 'ds is Spanish' and 'a loser' (he is not Indian or Spanish btw)

Then after lunch while lining up for a class girl x was pinching ds on the back and then pushed him forward causing him to fall into others in the line, who then blamed ds for pushing them.

Ds will never report anything to teachers and kids pick up on this very quickly. Ds will never speak up and say it wasn't him either and again kids pick up on this.

I have emails for HT, class teacher and TA, I could put it into an email.

Ds can get confused and not understand 'games', but im failing to see how calling ds 'an Indian' etc could be part of a game. Apparently boy x came over to ds, showed him a 'gem' and asked 'are you an Indian' ds replied 'no' and boy x ran off laughing to get his friends, they came back and were chanting 'ds is an Indian' and 'ds is Spanish' and 'ds is a loser'. Ds's friend retorted 'no he isnt', they continued, so ds walked away.

I have reported incidents to the school previously of children laughing at ds's lunch and calling him a 'baby' because of his lunch. Although the TA assured him 'kids in this school would never be so unkind and I was in the lunch hall, I would have noticed'

It has been know for ds to overact to incidents and a brush past feels like a punch etc or maybe it doesn't and it was a punch, I really don't know anymore.

Could be misinterpreted I suppose but sounds like the language used was unkind so no need for it.
Discuss it with the school, they should sort it.

Ds has just told me he told his TA that the girl pinched/pushed him and his response was 'what do you want me to do about it' ds replied 'I don't want her to pinch me' the TA then asked would ds like him to have a word with her and ds added he knows that I didn't eat at lunchtime and he saw me crying in front of the whole drama class in the afternoon.

What do I put in an email now?

The TA who wrote the note about ds not eating and being upset in the afternoon knew why ds didn't eat and was upset in drama.

Seems ds reported the girl pinching/pushing him to the TA. Then didn't report the boys at lunchtime.

Either way, bullying or just kids being kids, it needs to be addressed. It sounds as though your son needs more support in the playground, and it sounds as though those chidlren who are upsetting him also need some support in being kinder. I know at my chidlren's school this would be dealt with very swiftly.

Email sent, I haven't complained, I have explained the incidents to them and the importance of ds being able to tell an adult and how he struggles to do this. I have asked they either deal with the incident, or IF misinterpreted then an adult needs to help him make sense of the situation.

I think the 'what do you want me to do about it' was the TA's way of trying to help ds 'problem solve' for himself (rather badly I know, as he had told the TA as he couldn't deal with it himself)

So sorry to read this.

Some children go for those who are "different" in any way and these types of methods are often used. This girl is old enough to know right from wrong and she's done this as well to get a reaction from your son. (My son's secondary school regard name calling as bullying and take a tough line on this issue let alone the rest of what has happened here).

I would see this as bullying behaviour which needs to be nipped in the bud asap.

I hope you get a good response to your e-mail.

Polter he might well have said 'what do you think WE should do about it'. Anyhow I have given him the chance to explain how he dealt with it. Even if he did say exactly what ds said he did, I doubt he will admit it, it then makes ds version of events look even more unreliable.

I want to give them the chance to explain. If it did happen I want to know how they are planning on dealing with it, if it didn't I want to know how they are planning on dealing with it.

In my experience rushing in making accusations isn't going to help, it only makes people lie.

Thanks, its so difficult, nothing is ever black and white with ds. I know that ds's perceptions of situations are not always as they occur from experience with him at home and I have ended up looking a right tit on occasion too!

He seems to have found a lovely friend and recognised the signs of a good friend, this kid helps him to tie his apron in art and cookery, helps him at lunch etc. He is also getting friendly with another boy who has autism, so has 2 friends! Again ds's perceptions can sometimes be a bit off, he really disliked the 2nd friend to start with, simply for trying to be his friend, more to do with ds's intolerance at the time, than the poor boy, who is most likely a lovely lad!

Its understandable, you are having a tough time. Did you get a response to your email?

They never seem to like to put anything in writing do they. What is it with schools and the 'b' word, its like a dirty word to some.

Ds has been more positive about school recently, with the exception of today, its so nice to see them happy and relaxed isn't it.

It certainly is, I have a planning meeting with school in a couple of days too. Good luck with your meeting, I really hope you can get it sorted.

Ds doesn't want to go after school club today. He hasn't eaten any breakfast this morning either. Incidents like these really affect his self esteem

I kept a best and worse things of the day when DS1 was at his old school and I was always amazed at how resilient he appeared. When they catastrophise and are so upset it is hard not to believe that 'this' represents the truth. I used to go in to bat for him, on the basis of his report back, and look a total arse because he would have frequently have done an about-turn by this stage or would pretend everything was fine to stop the uncomfortable questioning.

DS1 is nearly 13 and he still does it. It comes down to how much you can trust the staff at the school. Previously, his old school used this to dismiss every concern I ever raised with them. His new school know that he does this and see this as one of the issues that he needs to work on rather than any little inaccuracy being seized upon to question the accuracy of all you have to say.

Aside from him being an 'unreliable witness' though I think that the school would be interested to hear that some of the children are not only name-calling and 'teasing' but are equating not being white or british with being a 'loser'. Racial bullying is still racial bullying even if the bully is lacking in knowledge of true racial origins.

wrt the lining up, DS1 always used to be at the back rather than the front. That was he could keep a greater distance and see the buggers. This was more important to him (I know other DC simply have to be at the front) as he hates physical proximity and unexpected touch from behind.

Keep, the last week or so ds has been speaking far more positively about school, he generally seems happier and his self harm has reduced, so all progress. We haven't had any 'worst days ever' for over a week. Ds was also able to tell me he did well in maths, as well as reporting the 'bad' things, so he seems to be getting the hang of, one incident doesn't spoil the whole day.

The tone of my email was to report this first, then to explain the incidents as ds described them. Followed by that I have explained to ds the importance of telling a teacher at the time, so they can either deal with the incident or help him make sense of it, IF he has misinterpreted. Either way they need to help him deal with it, as it has a great impact on him.

IF his TA did respond with 'what do you want me to do about it' then he shouldn't have and hopefully my email will lead to some discussion in our meeting in a few days, about how best to deal with it, without me actually pointing the finger.

Once my email has been replied to, I will have a better idea.

Calling ds 'an Indian' seems a really odd thing to do and I have been trying to think of why they would do that. All I can think of is ds's TA is Indian.

The little girl pinching him and pushing him. Ds tells me he likes her best friend and wants her to be his 'girlfriend'. I don't know if the girl was being spiteful or trying to get his attention or maybe ds's interest in her best friend isn't mutual and she is 'protecting' her best friend.

''ds is an Indian' and 'ds is Spanish' and 'ds is a loser''

Should also be recorded as a racial incident.