Bullying or kids being kids?

[claw2]

Ds has come home from school today really upset.

In his contact book, it was written that he didn't eat at all today in school and was upset in the afternoon. No explanation as to why.

I asked ds why he didn't want to eat and why he was upset. He says younger boys were teasing him in the playground. Ds says his 'friend' x witnessed it and 'tried to stick up for him'. Seems they were making fun of his lack of understanding and laughing at him, calling him 'an Indian' and 'ds is Spanish' and 'a loser' (he is not Indian or Spanish btw)

Then after lunch while lining up for a class girl x was pinching ds on the back and then pushed him forward causing him to fall into others in the line, who then blamed ds for pushing them.

racist.

Perfect that the TA is actually Indian - I'm sure he will have views on 'Indian' being used as an insult.

I am amazed how different DS comes across in your emails. I nearly fell off my chair when I read that he WANTS a girlfriend .

There will always be problems but as long as they are dealt with as and when they arise, they won't all build up and start compounding each other. Most important this sounds like a space he is learning to feel comfortable in because it seems the good far outweighs the bad for him.

Lets hope he has lots of good experiences for the rest of the week.

The good thing is that ds was with a another boy at the time, who apparently told the boys to leave ds alone or similar. Ds was also able to name the boys who said it to him. So it should be easy enough to clarify.

I think the difference with this school isn't that it is perfect and all problems have gone away, but that you have better 'access' to the problems and so far they aren't being hidden, denied or blamed on you.

Your ds sounds like another lad. He has been VERY badly let down so far so he isn't going to magically be alright, but it sounds like you have got him on the bottom rung of the ladder to improvement.

Amazing that he has got even a limited amount of peer advocacy, and is interested in a girl.

Just amazing.

Keep, ds always has/wants lots of 'girlfriends' (im just not sure they actually know they are his 'girlfriends' though!) and he goes a bit OTT and is a bit full on, shouting across the playground that he loves them etc.

He is also overly kind, overly huggy, overly complimentary etc. I think he may be a bit much for most 9 year old girls.

I give him money each day to buy a breakfast bar and a drink at break time (as this is all he eats in school, apart from a dry piece of bread at lunch and water) This morning despite not eating anything, he didn't have the money I gave him yesterday. He had given it to his 'girlfriend'

Star, the boy who has taken ds under his wing seems like a lovely boy, he is also the biggest 9 year old I have ever seen! A real gentle giant

I have had a reply to my email by way of TA replying in contact book.

'I was on lunch duty for the second half of lunch and did not see anything overtly negative, but I can try to find out more. Girl x can be tactile so I will definitely keep tabs on pinching.

Today ds took a tumble at break time and claimed he had 'sprained his ankle and wrist'. He had a slight scrape and a cold compress has been applied. Ds took a knock in PE and has a letter in his bag regarding this. Ds seemed to enjoy his lunch break and spending time with his friends despite having no lunch'

There is then a letter in ds's school bag about taking a blow to the head and having to inform parents of this.

After receiving that response I think it is possible that the TA did say 'what do you want me to do about it' in a stop moaning kind of way.

Much like ds's class teacher told me, he has learnt to be flippant with ds and gave me the example when ds is struggling in maths and getting upset, he tells him 'stop pulling that face and get on with it'

His class teacher also told me the other day in front of ds 'ds has had a good day and if he says otherwise he is lying' (it then turns out from what was written in his contact book, he didn't have a particularly good day)

I dont think they are 'getting it'. If they continue like this, we will end up back to square one again.

We have tried the lets just ignore it and tell ds to stop being silly for years.

My 9 year old used to go to a school out of borough and he had difficulties through out infant school. Was excluded a few times and has been excluded in the junior school as well. He was getting targeted by children in every year group. My Lea basically ignored the school when they requested help. Got to the point that he was heading for permanent exclusion and everyone was saying that he would be better off in borough.Someone referred to playtimes at that school as 'lord of the flies' at the time he just started and i didn't believe it as my daughter loved that school but i now totally understand what that woman meant.

His year 4 teacher within the first week said that he doesn't belong there and should be in a special school then later that term she had a total meltdown and ranted about him in front of everyone.
Then another term quite happily told me about another child similar to my son who was transferred in to borough and ended up being permanently excluded.

His year 5 teacher was similar and got nasty towards me at a meeting.
He has ASD,ADHD,ODD and DCD.
He had a lesson with another teacher and she came storming out one home time fuming as she apparently got in to an argument with my son.

So last term he got a place at a school quite near home. At first the head put up a fight and put us through the ringer as she clearly didn't want him. But just after the last half term he got in.

My husband had a meeting with his teacher and the senco just over a week ago and they have sussed him out. They understand him and at the meeting they said that they don't have evidence at all to put him forward for a stat assessment.

His behaviour has deteriorated slightly at home but i put that down to him trying his hardest to be good at school.
He's only had one incident where another boy snatched his spelling book of him as they had to swop books and my son didn't want to as he didn't understand the other lad handwriting.

I'm hoping that this isn't a honeymoon phase but so far in the last half term he has written more in that half term then he has done in a whole year.

So i know what it's like and hope that you manage to get answers and kick some butt in the process!!

The thing is I am well aware that ds overacts to pain, he has lots of sensory difficulties. I am well aware that ds misinterprets the actions and intentions of others, he has great difficulty with social interaction/understanding and i make this perfect clear to school.

Regardless of whether it happened or not, we are supposed to be monitoring his behaviour to see where he needs support. What concerns me is I am hearing a lot of 'it didn't happen' and no maybe he needs some extra support.

That sounds so sneery about your DS' s pain threshold. .I would not be happy :(

That's the thing that is concerning me Fanjo, despite me making it perfectly clear to school, they don't appear to be viewing it as ds having a low pain threshold, they are viewing it as ds exaggerating. They also seem to be viewing his reporting of incidents to me as ds lying, rather than struggling with social interaction/understanding. Same as ds struggling with maths, its ds playing up.

The cure for a child who exaggerates, lies and plays up is 'just stop it'.

That's terrible..can you speak to SENCO or are they just the same

I haven't met the SENCO, Im not even sure if there is one. The HT seems to have a much better understanding of ASD and associated difficulties. Class teacher and TA seem to think a 'firm' approach is all that is needed.

Although I agree ds does need firm boundaries (most children do!), he also needs some understanding and some positive strategies to help with his difficulties. We seem to be getting lots of the 'firm' approach and no strategies.

Its not the end of the world, we have had far worse and hopefully nothing that cant be put right eventually.

I'd definitely meet with the Head then

Think you are absolutely right to raise the issue with the school but I wonder whether you could also help by teaching your ds some stock phrases to deal with the teasing. We had some success in a similar situation with ds1 with "And that matters because...." said with hands on hips. I suspect with children as young as this what is actually said doesn't mean anything but is just a game to get a reaction from your ds. Hopefully, now he is making friends it will happen less often anyway as they do seem to target the children on their own. With ds1 it really didn't seem to matter what was said or if it was true - he still got upset.
He got a lot of "You are Scottish" (he is not but really would it matter if he was) but strangely did not get upset when they said "You are odd." Actually, writing it down now makes me think as if it were the untrue statements that wound him up (he acknowledges himself that he is a bit different).

Oneineight, that is exactly what ds did get upset about, not 'the loser' comment, but the you are Indian and Spanish comments, because he isn't and they are untrue statements. Ds always calls himself 'a loser', so he didn't take offence to that.

He handled it exactly as I have told him to and ignored and walked away, however he did get upset about it at home and children being 'mean' to him and seemed totally confused by it all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/a1877432-What-to-ask-for-in-an-IEP#42151968

Hi Claw, I posted something in this thread that you might be able to adapt for your ds and his social interactions that don't go too well.

It's about getting perspective, but NOT about denying the level of pain/anxiety.

No idea if it would work but as I was writing it thought it might help.

Thanks Star have taken a look and will scribble that down for my meeting this afternoon.

Ds is very clear and able to articulate very well at home what makes him 'sad' and 'worried' and even what could happen to improve the situation for him, its just getting others to listen. Im not sure if ds isn't telling school or if they are just not listening and regard it as 'mollycoddling'

Take PE for example ds feels he 'fails' and is 'rubbish' at PE and ends up crying and not joining in with PE lessons. He says

1. He is always the last one to get changed, so by the time he gets to the hall the PE lesson has already started and he has missed the instructions, so doesn't know what to do.

1. He always gets hurt and in fairness he does. So far he has a basket ball in the face and got kicked in the head, plus he is always falling over. Due to his motor difficulties and coordination etc and sensory difficulties meaning he has a low pain threshold, so a slight scrape/bump feels worse.

To me this equates to let him start getting changed earlier, so he isn't last or give him the instructions when he does arrive so he does now what to expect. Get some input from onsite OT for strategies to help with motor and sensory difficulties. Sorted!

I just hope school feel the same way!