Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Anyone want to do sharing/mutual hand-holding re horrible back-to-school experiences - DCs with anxiety/sensory issues?

67 replies

Jacksterbear · 03/09/2013 11:25

DS has gone back to school (Y2) today.

So awful and upsetting.

Hours of tantrums and tears last night (not ostensibly about school but it's clear that was the underlying anxiety). An hour of the same before school this morning. Got him into the classroom ok (with the promise that I would stay for a little while to settle him), but he then hid under the table; and then the inevitable meltdown happened when I tried to leave. Half an hour of screaming in the corridor later, we (me, Senco, TA and his 1:1 supporter) decided that I needed to just leave, and it took all three of them to prise him away from me and I had to leave (I was in tears by this point, not helpful obviously but I couldn't help it) while he struggled and screamed.

Senco phoned about an hour later to say he had only just calmed down. Suggested taking him in at 8.45 and he'll be met by his TA, for future mornings.

Argghhh. Still tearful and feeling totally drained now. Anyone else had a bad morning with school drop-off and want to share?

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 03/09/2013 16:28

yourhand DS1 and DS2 are in a small school as well so looks like we're stuck with it. DS2 is in a class with all of year 1 and some of year 2. He's in year 1 and the other boy is in year 2. They both have hypermobility and sensory issues but DS2 plods along trying not to fall over and the other little boy whizzes round a lot faster, (understandably) getting frustrated with anyone who gets in his way. He seems to have had a good day today though, and DS3 is pleased to have his partner in crime back .

KOKOagainandagain · 03/09/2013 16:38

Home tutoring for 'medical reasons' is for 5 hours per week - supposed to be the minimum but in reality is treated as the maximum.

Never do this unless you have to - you will know if you get there
And have a longer term plan.

ToffeeWhirl · 03/09/2013 16:52

I absolutely agree about having to be careful about CAMHS, as claw said. We felt very judged as parents and it took a long, long time and a lot of requests of second/third opinions before my DS1 was finally diagnosed and they realised his problems were neurological, not caused by anxious parenting. You have to develop a very tough skin and, as the final poster's name states so accurately, 'keep on keeping on'.

Yourhand - I think CAMHS can be very helpful, but you need to be proactive and determined to get the right people. DS1 has been seeing them for nearly eight years now and we finally have a team in place who are helping him, but we have had a bumpy ride on the way, and that seems to be fairly standard.

claw - lots of luck to your DS (and you) on Thursday. Crossing fingers it all goes ok. What a big day for both of you.

Jackster - good idea to get your DH to do the school run, provided he can cope! I am now better at getting DS to school than DH because I have had so much practise at coping with DS's anxiety. I sometimes worry that I must have seemed very hard hearted in the past when I calmly handed over my terrified, weeping child to school, but I had just learned to put on an act and believed I was helping him in the long run.

blueeyedmonster · 03/09/2013 21:37

Hand holding here too. Ds goes back tomorrow and he's already told me he is sad at school because he doesn't want to leave me. We had this almost every single school day last school year. Usually following anything from a minor shouting then crying to full on from when he gets up, refusal to get dressed,brush teeth, get shoes and coat on. Progressing to physically attacking me, DD and himself and throwing.

He also calls himself stupid/not the best boy in the world/horrible and others jack

Original poster

Jacksterbear · 03/09/2013 21:57

Toffee I have the opposite worry: that school think I'm a pathetic neurotic mess! And re what you said about anxious parenting: I do worry that my own anxiety has at the least contributed to ds' problems (all the more so because his dx at present is anxiety not asd... although the paed that dx'd him felt that a lot of his anxiety is caused by his SPD).

All the best for tomorrow, blueeyedmonster.

OP posts:

claw2 · 03/09/2013 22:15

Thanks Toffee and my best wishes and thoughts will be with all the other parents/children starting back this week too

ToffeeWhirl · 03/09/2013 23:01

Jackster - Well, the whole anxiety issue is complicated because, of course, if you have a child with SNs of any kind, you are more likely to be anxious because you are worried about them. Professionals then pick up on your anxiety and jump to the conclusion that this anxiety caused the child's anxiety. And, of course, anxiety can be an inherited trait, not simply learned behaviour, and that isn't anyone's fault.

If people at school think you are a neurotic mess (I'll bet they feel more sympathy with you than you think), then they simply don't empathise with what you are going through because they are lucky enough never to have had to go through it.

At some point, I think you have to stop blaming yourself (and we all do it) because it isn't fair on you and it doesn't help anyone, including your child. But I know it's not easy to do, especially when you are still struggling with getting a diagnosis.

The irony is that whilst you are being a brilliant mum, coping with your son's difficulties and fighting to get him the diagnosis and help he needs (being his 'expert' and ambassador), you feel as if you look like a crap mum compared to all those mums who are breezing through their days with comparatively easy and unchallenging children.

Another one wishing you good luck for tomorrow, blue.

I will be going through this myself later this month when DS1 has a second attempt at an insight week at the new school he wants to attend. He only managed three hours in total last time before we had to give up because his anxiety was so bad. However, he has been seeing an excellent CBT therapist all summer and his meds have been put up and we are now seeing real improvements. I feel hopeful that he will manage to get through the insight week this time.

ouryve · 03/09/2013 23:09

Ellie - DS1 and DS2 clash personalities. They've been clashing personalities very loudly and screechily all damn summer!

Mine go back tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the respite more than I'm looking forward to the fall out. DS1 is bored and wants to go back, but is incredibly anxious about it. He struggled to each much dinner at all and stuck to me like a limpet, this evening.

blueeyedmonster · 03/09/2013 23:19

Thanks jackster

blueeyedmonster · 03/09/2013 23:28

Also thanks toffee

notapizzaeater · 04/09/2013 08:42

My son woke up with a poorly shoulder today so he shouldn't go to school. I gave him a tablet . Then we had he had been to work with the deputy head and she has told him if its ok with me he can stay at home and catch up with his sleep / nice try son, off you go .....

Original poster

Jacksterbear · 04/09/2013 09:11

notapizzaeater, love those excuses! Hope he went in ok. And everyone else who had first day back this am.

toffee thanks for the wise words.

Ds has gone in ok today; it seems to have worked well for him to go in early and be met by his TA.

OP posts:

ToffeeWhirl · 04/09/2013 10:04

So glad to hear your DS had a better start to his day today, Jackster .

notapizzaeater - great excuses .

DS2 went back to school today. It was his first day in Juniors and he has the strictest and least popular teacher in the school this year . He doesn't have DS1's SNs, but he is a sensitive soul and he won't like her shouting. Ah well. He went in happy to see his friends again (in spite of not settling to sleep till after midnight ) and we'll just have to see how he copes with the old bag the new teacher.

claw2 · 05/09/2013 09:13

Ds is in school and im home! He looked so cute in his new uniform

He didn't sleep until 3.30am last night, even with a double dose of Melatonin and was crying because he couldn't sleep. By the time he went to sleep, my body decided to start developing an abscess on my gum, so I didn't get much sleep! Then I woke at 6.30am and started being sick! So looks like I may have caught a bug too!

Ds refused to get dressed, so I had to dress him. Repeating 'im not going to school', refusing to come down stairs etc. Refused to speak to the teacher when I dropped him off, but went with her with encouragement.

That sounds like a bad morning, but that is a huge improvement

ToffeeWhirl · 05/09/2013 09:40

Phew, well done, claw. That all sounds hard enough, but especially when you are sick and have tooth ache . Hope you can get some rest today and feel better soon.

claw2 · 05/09/2013 09:47

Thanks Toffee, I was planning on going to the gym and having a look round the shops! I think I will pass and have a settee day, still feeling a bit queasy! Im feeling very proud of ds, he was obviously very, very anxious, but he went to school and actually wore his uniform!

ToffeeWhirl · 05/09/2013 11:51

Definitely sounds like a settee day, claw. Am not surprised you are proud of your DS - he was very brave.

Original poster

Jacksterbear · 05/09/2013 12:33

claw that's an amazing achievement when you contrast that with the situation you described in your earlier post. Well done you and your DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jacksterbear · 05/09/2013 12:39

(Earlier on the thread, I mean, not earlier today!)

OP posts:

TOWIELA · 05/09/2013 12:53

Well done claw - a massive achievement. Hope you feel better soon.

claw2 · 05/09/2013 14:50

Thanks again guys, he is actually smothered in sores from his self harming (scratching his skin off) which isn't so good, but which I was fully expecting. However I am feeling really hopeful, that this will be reduced after his initial anxiety has been reduced and he is supported in school.

Original poster

Jacksterbear · 05/09/2013 17:21

claw, that must be so hard for you, , glad there is cause for hopefulness though.

Ds went in ok again today but then had several meltdowns throughout the day, throwing stuff and tipping stuff over .

OP posts:

KOKOagainandagain · 05/09/2013 17:37

Claw - ime despite the ASD there is also the issue of trust. Trust is a 'relational object' and exists between two or more real people. To place trust you need to know that others will catch you when ( not if) you fall.

DC who are out of school have learnt (wisely) not to trust. Reality is different now but give him time to explore/test it.

claw2 · 06/09/2013 09:12

Jack his self harming has been going for 4 years now, ive kind of got used to it, well not used to it, but just very matter of fact about it. Some kids scream, shout, bite their nails etc when anxious, ds scratches his skin. Hopefully at this school once a SALT programme has been devised for him, he will be able to find different ways to express his feelings. Sorry to hear your ds is still struggling, are the school looking for triggers?

Keep Trust is a very big issue for ds and for me too really, after so many people failing ds. This morning when I took ds into school, he burst into tears when due to line up. His class teacher came over and I handed ds over to him, still in tears. I have far more trust in this school to notice if ds doesn't settle and I will give it time.

Original poster

Jacksterbear · 07/09/2013 11:28

claw I hope he gets the support programme he needs in place quickly.

Ds had another bad day on Friday, despite going in ok again. Hiding under tables, throwing books around. . He needs more support than he's getting. Currently 1:1 support 3 half-days a week, he needs more, but don't think that is going to be poss until we get a statement, if we get one- who knows how long that will take (we are only just starting to look into the process). In the meantime, worried school will say they cannot cope with him with their existing resources. And I don't know what happens then!! [worried face]

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3