please help, I CANNOT get him to leave the house

[cardboardcactus]

I really need some help on this, I'm going out of my mind. DS (8yo, aspie) will not leave the house without a huge bloody palaver, and I mean huge. Which is bad enough on weekends but tomorrow it's back to summer playscheme and I know he won't go (he has already started telling me that today, and I will only get him out of the door if I physically overpower him, and drag/push him out of the door screaming- to my eternal shame, this is what happened on Friday. His usual school refusal has translated into playscheme refusal. Am going back to work tomorrow after some weeks off due to stress, and we're no better off with everything than when i initially took time out. He is so rigid. Have had the most awful weekend. At work they're all very kind and saying things like 'don't come back til you're ready' etc. Have 2 weeks of playscheme before i'm scheduled to be on annual leave til the end of the school hols. Do i just extend my sick leave. No idea what to do. Tearing my hair out.

Has he said why he doesn't want to go? Are they set up for children with additional needs? They can be really noisy and chaotic IME so not always suitable for children with aspergers. Have you looked into Games Workshop? They run games (perfect for children who like rules and role play) throughout the holidays and the staff are all CRB checked. I'm not sure whether they run the clubs all day though but it's worth looking into.

I know why he hates it and tbh i think his reasoning is fair enough. But it's all booked and paid for now and I have to go back to work and I just don't know what to do. They won't refund what I've paid in advance, so i don't know whether to find another playscheme and pay twice (money very tight so that would be a tough call), or, well, i don't know what.... I don't think i can convince him to go :-( But I have a job to go back to and am struggling/panicking about what to do....

Do you get the childcare element of tax credits?

Is there anyone else who can care for him? Family member? Childminder who has less children to care for? I'd take time off and keep him at home until I could afford/find something more suitable, but I am a mug. Are you able to work from home?

Watching this one with interest because one of my sons (10 years, AS) is the same. We are having a very quiet holiday in consequence! At the weekend when dh is around we are forcing him out of the house which sounds awful but once he is out of the door he usually enjoys himself. This is not an option when I am by myself though and I would love to have an alternative strategy.

Oh, I'm so sorry. ds1 is just 7 and is getting more and more like this too. If he gets it in his head he doesn't want to go somewhere he'll physically fight me to prevent it.

Firstly , and a [hug]... it's tough, I can't imagine the stress of having to work out of the home and deal with it.

How does he respond when you explain things factually to him? I'm having some success with ds1 lately with explaining things to him at length when he's calm.

In your case having a chat about why you need to work and why he needs to be at childcare of some sort. It has to be done when he's calm and willing to chat though, he won't absorb it if I say it during an episode. It's not 100% effective but I am noticing ds1 diffuses quicker and is marginally more reasonable if he understands the reasoning behind an action. The flip side is explaining some stuff can give him whole new obsessions, I've had to mention money a couple of times in these talks (why we work, why we can't do x, etc) and now he's obsessed with the cost of things, how poor we are and how much we earn

I also find with ds1 that short term consequences are really effective, I have a better result taking his DS away until his shoes are on than by taking it for the day. His use of electronics is reliant on him complying with the rules, if he refuses to do something I ask, the DS/laptop/console/book he's engrossed in is removed and he gets it back as soon as the task is done. If I take things for the day his behaviour just deteriorates as he doesn't see any benefit to behaving whereas if I'm standing there with his DS in hand and he knows he just has to set the table/pick up a few toys/get dressed to get it back he sees that as achievable and does it reasonably easily.

Thanks all for the messages. It's lovely to get support when I'm feeling so low. Unfortunately there are no family members around, and most of our friends who would take him for a day are away on holiday. The reason he so hates the playscheme is because when they do their trips, which is more or less every day, they only ever go by bus even when another way of travelling is miles quicker. So instead of a 15 min trip on the train it might be as much as an hour and a half each way on a stinky London bus. DS gets very travel sick so it is torture for him. I had no idea they travelled only by bus when i booked the days - i assumed they would just use the most sensible/quickest route. Have used this playscheme before but they often used different ways of getting places in the past, but they've opted for this because the buses are free for the children. I'm so upset about it. And they've made it clear they won't refund if i pull out. The thing is i sympathise with DS, sending him on a 3 hour round trip is not something i would do with him apart from in exceptional circumstances and with ideal conditions and lots of support (he has LOTS of sensory issues), but I'm supposed to be going back to work. Have no alternative childcare arranged for Monday as this only all came out on Friday. DS is almost impossible to get to leave the house at the best of times. Am so stressed, but feel that I can't just phone up GP and extend my sick leave.

forgot to add, DP can't take time off at all - his work are MUCH less understanding than mine.

It's cheaper for them to use a bus. No holiday scheme would use an expensive route, even if it's the quickest. Will he take travel sickness medicine? I'd pop to the chemist now and pick him something up as it sounds like an easy thing to solve. Have a chat to him, assure him that he won't feel sick and see how it goes.

I will get travel sickness medicine but this is not an easy thing to solve. I also cannot assure him he won't feel sick coz i don't know that for certain. It took hours to get him out of the house today and that wasn't for anything he was particularly against. He's just getting more and more resistant to leaving the front door. But with this additional issue...

Ds gets travel sick, they do work.

we've been through this with ds - he still takes a long time to leave the house. I organise my working hours around him now.

It might be worth extending the sick leave rather than forcing him to go if that's an option. I know in ds's case the anxiety built up to such a level that he couldn't leave the house at all.
Can you go with him to the playscheme so that he is still getting out of the house? Can dh take time off over the next 2 weeks?

Thanks cornypepper - i guess that's the question: do i force him to go or not, and if i do, what are the implications for his anxiety levels in general. We've had such a problem with school refusal this year, and i so wanted to start the new school year afresh after a relatively relaxed summer, and to help him be less anxious and explosive. But it's all continuing just as stressfully as term time. DP has got second half of aug off, and has no other annual leave to take, so can't take time off.

I agree, based on what you've said now about the playscheme I wouldn't send him again.

I used to get violently travel sick when I was younger and it is hell. The meds work for some people. They didn't work for me and dp says they used to make him worse. I wouldn't insist on any child, SN/NT doing those trips if they suffer from travel sickness.

If work have already offered I'd take the additional leave... once your ds doesn't have the threat of playscheme looming over him his behaviour may settle down and the extra time of could actually be of some good to you this time.

Is there any possibility your ds could accompany you to work and he has wall-to-wall screen time? Obv depends on what you do!

I use travel wristbands for awful travel sickness I have been able to travel for around an hour on a coach and two as a passenger in a car.

I totally understand why the bus journeys are putting him off they would have put me off too.

Maybe if you could just get him back once with some travel sickness remedies he might change his mind about it.

Having said that Dd3 could have gone to a playsceme this summer but wouldnt entertain the idea. She is fairly tolerant of going to school but the idea of playscheme was too much for her.

Hope you manage to sort something out, good luck

Quite a few of you are saying things that, if I'm honest, I want to hear - that you probably wouldn't send your DC into this situation. Not sure still what exactly I'm going to do, but it really helps to hear your views. However, you're a sympathetic bunch and you know what it's like, but i'm not sure how this would go down at work. But i've got to think what is best for the longer term, rather than short term, with an eye on how this will all impact on returning to school in the autumn. God it's so hard.

Is there anyway you could work at home or take unpaid leave for the next 2 weeks. I know its not the perfect solution but at least it would get you to the end of the holidays and you could look at other options for next year.

I had to give up work when Dd3 was little because the childminder I had used for Dd1 and 2 just couldnt manage her level of seperation anxiety. At first we thought we would never survive financially but we did and we are still here. I managed to find work that fitted around school so have never used child care for her.

It is a really hard decision and I wouldnt want to go back there. I know what you mean about thinking about school, moving year groups is hard enough and if he is mega stressed before he goes back it could be tricky.

Good luck whatever you decide

Ok so I discovered that there will be no bus trip today- the only day. So thought I'd get one more day out of it and use the time to make other arrangements. But DS is staging a naked protest. He is reading a book in bed starkers, coz he knows I can't manhandle him out the door like that. So looks like I'm staying home today. Am I being pathetic? I explained to him that there's no bus today but now he just hates the whole thing, bus or no bus. I want to understand, and try to see things from his point of view like I've been urged to by paediatrician/books I've read etc, or am I just being pathetic? I've lost all perspective...

Ok so I discovered that there will be no bus trip today- the only day. So thought I'd get one more day out of it and use the time to make other arrangements. But DS is staging a naked protest. He is reading a book in bed starkers, coz he knows I can't manhandle him out the door like that. So looks like I'm staying home today. Am I being pathetic? I explained to him that there's no bus today but now he just hates the whole thing, bus or no bus. I want to understand, and try to see things from his point of view like I've been urged to by paediatrician/books I've read etc, or am I just being pathetic? I've lost all perspective...

You're not pathetic, or if you are then I definitely am too! DS is a bit older than yours but I know he wouldn't manage a playscheme like that. I am in London too and it's not just the motion sickness, they've been very hot this summer and the general bustle is too much for him to do every day. I will take him on buses myself but almost always during off-peak times, can get a seat upstairs where it's quieter, and he has 1:1 support with me, but it would be totally different in a group situation with a lot of other dc. Plus, school term time is hard enough with the constant social interaction every day, so I feel it's fair enough to let him have a break from that in holidays so we only really do stuff as a family now.

Do you qualify for short breaks at all? DS gets offered special needs playschemes through social services and they tend to be more flexible and understanding, although hours tend to be shorter than general playschemes (and they are often not suitable for older dc, so DS no longer goes).

I haven't worked since DS was diagnosed, I claim carer's allowance which helps somewhat but probably wouldn't cover your loss of salary. There are websites like workingparents which can tell you about the various rights you have in the workplace relating to families with disabled children.

No definitely not pathetic and agree with polter about using the time for some reading , I really like Tony Attwoods complete guide to aspergers. They might have it in your library.

Good luck

Thanks all, it helps such a lot to hear you say these things. Feeling quite emotional now. It's been 8 months since diagnosis and I thought by now I'd be coping so much better. If anything things are worse. I guess DS has had a lot to take in this year too, learning about his diagnosis etc, even though we've tried to do it as positively as possible. Have emailed work with a rough outline of why I can't get in. God know what they'll think. I think ASD is genuinely hard for people to understand if they're not affected by it, so I just hope they accept that I'm doing my best.