Please can I share my dreadful week culminating in physical attack from 6yo DS?

[Jacksterbear]

Firstly, I do appreciate that many others out there are going through much worse. I just wanted to offload and share my crap week with others who won't be horrified at DS' behaviour and immediately judge me as a terrible mother.

DS is 6yo and we have just started the process of ASD/PDA assessment with him, largely due to his high anxiety levels and huge tantrums and meltdowns.

So this week I've had DS and 2yo DD on my own as DH away. As DS is very high maintenance, and as he's usually ok playing with a friend 1:1, I arranged 2 playdates at our house (he doesn't get invited to others' houses!) in an attempt to keep him entertained and happy. Both ended in disaster with the other child crying to go home, when DS flew into a rage because other child did not want to play the game that DS wanted to play. Child A got screamed at and toys thrown at him. Child B got screamed at that DS was going to kill him [embarrassed] .

Today, DS flew into a rage at me because I was giving DD attention and he wanted me to play with him. He started slamming doors, throwing things and me and DD, kicking and throwing furniture around, hitting me and trying to hit DD. This is the first time he's really done this (the hitting); he has lashed out at me before but really only when I've been restraining him, e.g. trying to stop him from bolting when we are near a busy road.

He is 6 but the size of an 8yo and physically very strong. I felt really quite threatened for me and DD. If this is what it's like now I dread to think what it will be like in a few years' time when he's bigger than me. I just froze really, and was completely bloody helpless and useless, other than shielding DD from him.

When he did finally calm down he spent a good half an hour crying that it wasn't fair, that he had only wanted to cuddle me and that I had told him off for that, that nobody loves him, that this was the worst day ever, that he wished he were dead . This was almost worse than the preceding tantrum.

Sorry that this is all very self-indulgent and sob-story-ish. I just feel exhausted and drained and would love anyone to come and talk to me who knows what this is like. I have chatted to a few friends who are largely sympathetic but I think also secretly horrified at what DS is like and possibly also judging me for "allowing" him to behave like this (or I could just be paranoid!).

do know what this is like. I actually find the physical stuff very difficult to deal with because there is nothing you can do once they are in the meltdown moment. ds is 11 and very severely asd. He doesnt have meltdowns often because our lives revolve around keeping him happy and calm really, but when it does happen it is truly awful. He hits me and he hits himself, screams and bangs things. those are the days when i honestly think I can take no more. The thing to do is be kind to yourself and wait for storm to pass. I think if you havent lived it it is hard to understand. I have never really shared this with any friends as I honestly dont think they get it, ditto for most of my family. I tend to find things go in phases with ds. They are shit for a while and then get better. I hold onto this fat when things are in shit mode. I also get help by paying a carer to look after my other child when i am on my own. dh has just been away and I have spent a bloody fortune in paying for help but it has been worth it as it is not possible to look after both of them alone. You are not alone, though I know that doesn't help much.

It really does help cansu as I feel very alone and like no-one really understands. I can hear a voice in my head asking my why the hell I would allow a 6 yo to behave like that and be intimidated by him - he's 6 ffs, I am an adult and should be in control.

Thank you and sorry you have bad times too.

Thank you Poltergoose. I actually have this book (I think as a result of a recommendation from you on a previous thread) but haven't got round to reading it yet. Must get onto it!

Good grief, Jacksterbear, that's not self-indulgent at all.

What your describing is like a combination of DS1's anger (which is terrifying, when he gets going, but he's not overly physical and throws things rather than physically attacks, thankfully, since he's 9 and big) and DS2's unabashed attacks - he is physical and it's heartbreaking, but I can still hug it out of him or carry him across the room, if I have to.

Honestly, I get to deal with those separately, as overwhelming as each can be alone, and I often have DH around to help me. Do not think of yourself as self indulgent for feeling overwhelmed and frightened and needing to talk about it.

Since I have some open...

you're. I know the difference!

Thanks, ouryve, and everyone, for the supportive words (and the !). I do feel like a self-indulgent fraud posting about DS, since I have first-hand experience in my close family of much more severe and obvious SNs; and have a DS who is bright, funny, articulate, and (on a good day) very loving. But then as cansu says it goes in phases, and this week has been a bad week.

I'm also expecting next week to be bad since that seems to be the pattern every start of term/new half term at school .

Think I'll have that , then!

I can totally empathise with that experience jackster, we have that kind of thing most days. My ds is 7 and awaiting diagnosis for PDA. I second the explosive child and also suggest that you look into his sensory needs. I always knew there was a sensory element to ds' behaviour but Completing the short sensory profile highlighted just how far from the norm he is ESP with proprioception. He needs physical input and asks repeatedly for hugs and will climb on people just to get that input so perhaps your ds was feeling stressed because he was not in control of the situation and you were giving dd attention, so he tries to get some physical input to calm himself but it backfires as he is too rough and demanding- that's the kind of thing that happens in our house. It's very very hard to deal with as our dd naturally wants attention too but ds demands it all and kicks off if he doesn't get it. It is a massive challenge. The only other suggestion I can offer is behaviour balance DMG supplement as that seems to make a big difference to how well ds copes with life. He is much easier (but not easy) when he's taking it.

Oh gosh pop, ds is the same re hugs and climbing on people and generally being suffocatingly tactile. I had never really thought of it as a sensory thing but that makes sense. I think I have seen your posts before and thought that your ds sounds similar to mine, actually. I will also look up that supplement, thanks.

I also experience this very frequently although my ds is more like cansu's.
He had very severe autism and SLD and has no functional communication. He is driven by his sensory seeking and if thwarted he will get ansty and lash out(he tends to bite/pinch or use his strength to push). We mainly spend our time trying to keep him happy. I find he is much worse if coming down with something. We have found that chewy tubes and chewelry and a break on his own work quite well if he is getting worked up. I always try to go to places by car so I an sit him in with his chewy tube if things get too much. He is 13 and much stronger/bigger than me(he is very tall for his age) so I have to be really careful not to put him in situations that could be difficult.

Jacksterbear - you are not alone in this, there are lots of others on this board

Not self-indulgent at all. I?ve had weeks like that too and it ain?t fun! Hang in there, you?re doing a great job. Just in case it?s any comfort, I found the time up to diagnosis was the worst, things slowly got better after that. And I?m an ?Explosive Child? mum too. Like Poltergoose I was able to adapt to my DS?s needs more easily because of having only the one child to consider, it?s tough with two! Times when DH was away were always horrible and I just had to survive as best I could. Also when anything changed at school, or after holidays ? though at least that has gradually improved over the years thank goodness. Anyway I hope it gets better for you again soon.

In some ways I don?t think the severity of the SN makes it better or worse. It?s just different. I know kids who were a lot less able than my DS who were easier to live with in some ways. (DS is actually not bad now as teenagers go ? but age 6 was the absolute pits!) And sometimes an SN can be quite severe but be very hidden. The diagnostic process revealed just how much less able my DS was (in some ways) than I could possibly have guessed. I was making some assumptions that he could do things that he just couldn?t.

I agree it?s hard for other parents to understand who haven?t been there. They don't mean to be judgy but it?s really hard to imagine how it can be. If you have a parent support group nearby it can be good to go along, we had a local group and the NAS has a list of local groups.

Thank you, eggandcress and Kleinzeit. I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to hear of others' experiences (although I'm not glad you and your dcs are suffering, obviously) and know I'm not alone.

I spent years being beaten by ds in fact all of us were hurt by him. Some needed stitches others had chipped bones and we all had many bruises. I was afraid for all of our futures.
But ds is 18 now and a foot taller than me and he hasn't hurt anyone for years and doesn't hit even when he believes he has been provoked.
I used to watch him and once I could spot the signs I would prompt him to go chill and now he can spot the signs himself.
I am as confident as I will ever be that I won't be hurt by him ever again but I wouldn't get into a loud direct confrontation with him regardless.
It can get better as you both learn strategies and coping skills so aggression at six doesn't have to mean being hurt by an adult sized teen in years to come.

I am also on the road to diagnosis with ds (6). I can honestly say i'm struggling. There are days when he is angelic eg, yesterday when we were in a long queue and he sat down with a book for 35 minutes, the lady behind me said "if only all children were like your ds!" (Cried as no one has EVER said that to me before!)
Then i think back to last week when i chased him round the park 4 times and literally had to drag him across the grass to get him home as he was tantrumming and he was a danger to others and himself!
My main problem is the disbelief. I feel my mental health is suffering by the questioning of my parenting. I am currently attending a weekly parenting course as the school nurse will not progress further without this "training" i am also having a parent liason officer at my house once a week to view my parenting skills and offer advice and help! My gp also thinks it's completely normal for a 6yo to ask if his body is ok 42 times in 3 hours and for him to spit on his clothes because he doesn't want to swallow! (Have now changed gps!)
The good days make me feel like a fraud and that i'm putting my son through this process for no reason, it's hard as can have a fantastic week and i often think i need to stop this whole thing and just be a happy little family (me,ds and dd4). Then the bad days come...... Don't need to say anymore, i dread 3.30 and the end of school as he comes out like a coiled spring. Sometimes he circles the house, literally just running round and round for no apparent reason. He is definitely the boss and i don't like it and don't know how to help him as nobody will help me other than say you're a crap parent and he's a little s**t!
Get a good support network around you. I do believe it would help to feel like there are people on my side.
Sorry to hijack your thread with my woes but you are definitely not alone and there is a wealth on information with the ladies here on MNSN

My ds is 6 too and I also have a two year old. I can totally relate to your post, it is really really hard. A book that has made a huge difference to my ds is The Red Beast: Controlling Anger in Children with Asperger's Syndrome. It's expensive but I found it totally worth it. DS doesn't get frightened by his rages so much and will sometimes take himself away from te situation to calm down. Also, the talk about wanting to die has mostly gone, and he said he thought that that was the only way to stop the anger (or something along those lines).

"He is definitely the boss and i don't like it and don't know how to help him as nobody will help me other than say you're a crap parent and he's a little s**t!"

^ This is exactly how I feel banana! Like it is my own fault for having created a "monster"! Have been questionning myself even more recently, since we have started implementing some de-escalation and management strategies (humour, distraction, negotiation) to manage the demand avoidance, when I keep wondering if we are just pandering / caving in rather than putting our foot down, as it were (even though the latter approach doesn't work and just ends in disaster).

Also, in some ways it makes it more confusing and heartbreaking that he has "good" days/phases. He is very "Jekyll and Hyde", and can "turn" in the blink of an eye and his triggers are hard to predict. He can be incredibly charming and gregarious, particularly with adults, on a "good" day, and I am often told how delightful he is by those who haven't seen his "other" side.

Thank you also, Levantine and insanity, for your replies and advice.

pop, it's both disconcerting and reassuring to read your posts as you could be describing my DS! I would love to hear more about your ds and where you are with the diagnosis process and how you got there - either on here or by PM. But no problem at all if you'd rather not - feel free to ignore this post and I won't be offended!

Supportive ((hugs)), and / as appropriate, for everyone on here!

So sorry to read about this - quite a bit describes mt dd1. I too have been recommended a parenting course I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would help but it's not about parenting otherwise both my kids would have difficulties? The other is your average bolshy 5 yo. Am a LP so it is actually "all my fault"

Changeforthebetter.
You are in my exact position (wonder if we live close by). The only way my referral for diagnosis would progress any further was if i agreed to do the course. 4 weeks into it i can honestly say it's no strain on me to be doing it but even the course leaders have said it's not really relevant to me and my ds. My dd is in foundation year at school and ds is yr2. Ds's school teacher is amazing and supportive but the school as a whole are only just seeing that dd is a well behaved (on the whole!) child and so ds running round a classroom shouting happy, happy, happy is not my doing!

'Jekyll & Hyde' is the exact description here- a lot of people don't see anything of the angry/distressed side of Ds as he saves most of it up for the safety of home. If he has an adult's full attention he is as charming as anything but if there's any distraction from his agenda he can 'turn' in an instant- that is the major problem with having two dc, he would be easier to handle if he was an only one cos he hates dd getting any attention.
It does my head in sometimes as you just can't believe that one child can behave in two such different ways depending on whether he has control or not. We have not created this though and those collaborative problem solving techniques are not giving in. I was reading a management book for work the other day and it was talking about win-win solutions in the workplace- that's exactly what collaborative problem solving is all about.
Who wants a child who just meekly does exactly what they're told? When a child like that becomes an adult they wouldn't know how to make a decision or negotiate with colleagues- CBS gives us all practice in skills that are so useful in all parts of your life. We just need to give up on this victorian ideal that children should do exactly as their parents say.

I got some benefit from parenting courses. I did a normal ?positive parenting? course while I was waiting for DS to be diagnosed. I felt a bit miffed when the health visitor recommended it because I was having to advise the school how to handle him! But in fact the course helped me, because I got support for some of the ?non-standard? things I was doing for DS, and lots of encouragement that his behaviour wasn?t my fault, plus some bright ideas that I wouldn?t have thought of myself.

Later on I did a course for parents of super-challenging kids (a mix of kids with special needs / mental health issues / family problems / fostered etc) , and I got a lot out of that too.

But it really depends on how good the course and the person running it is, some are good and some are not.

I am sorry you had such a difficult half term. I have been there too and felt so hopeless and useless.
My son (who has mod/sevLD, ASD and sensory issues) has been explosive and violent (not so much now at 13). I find it helpful to know that meltdowns (that are beyond his control) are more akin to panic attacks - ie when his coping mechanisms have run out, for whatever reason. His moods are particularly volatile when hungry and tired, or had a difficult day at school ( as are we all). He looks distraught too. Although he can go from calm to lost it in seemingly a millisecond there often subtle warning signs, like getting poorer motor skills, building frustration or tearfulness. He has a fluffy fleece blanket to wrap in watching TV after school to calm him down.
I have mostly learnt to pick up the warning signs, and try to head off major meltdowns, with minimal talk in a calm low voice, -but sometimes miss the signs. Once he has lost it, I try to keep myself safe (and anyone else of course) by leaving the room (if safe to do so) taking vulnerable items with me. If I have to stay in the same room, then I try to keep myself near the door so I can escape without getting past ds, and also for me try to stay out of grabbing range. (I learnt this the hard way). I try to make ds safe as far as possible, by putting cushions around him if he is on the floor. Any attempts at holding him will probably make him madder and fight like a trapped bear. If out and about then its more of a case of getting him to a safe space once I see the signs- (the car,- out of the store, away from others) as quickly as possible (without touching him or else!)or clearing a space around him if all else fails now he is too big to pick up. I always carry fiddle toys/ cuddle cushions and emergency rations in the car for such situations! He is always very upset and exhausted afterwards.

Thanks magso for the useful tips. DS has a "calm cushion" both at home and at school, which he uses, usually in his "safe place" (again, he has one both at home and at school).

Interesting discussion also about parenting courses. I agree that it would make me feel like my parenting is being criticised, but I would be open to going to one if it were recommended/required. I can't help thinking that a lot of it might not be appropriate for managing a child with demand avoidance though, unless it were specifically aimed at that!