Please can I share my dreadful week culminating in physical attack from 6yo DS?

[Jacksterbear]

Firstly, I do appreciate that many others out there are going through much worse. I just wanted to offload and share my crap week with others who won't be horrified at DS' behaviour and immediately judge me as a terrible mother.

DS is 6yo and we have just started the process of ASD/PDA assessment with him, largely due to his high anxiety levels and huge tantrums and meltdowns.

So this week I've had DS and 2yo DD on my own as DH away. As DS is very high maintenance, and as he's usually ok playing with a friend 1:1, I arranged 2 playdates at our house (he doesn't get invited to others' houses!) in an attempt to keep him entertained and happy. Both ended in disaster with the other child crying to go home, when DS flew into a rage because other child did not want to play the game that DS wanted to play. Child A got screamed at and toys thrown at him. Child B got screamed at that DS was going to kill him [embarrassed] .

Today, DS flew into a rage at me because I was giving DD attention and he wanted me to play with him. He started slamming doors, throwing things and me and DD, kicking and throwing furniture around, hitting me and trying to hit DD. This is the first time he's really done this (the hitting); he has lashed out at me before but really only when I've been restraining him, e.g. trying to stop him from bolting when we are near a busy road.

He is 6 but the size of an 8yo and physically very strong. I felt really quite threatened for me and DD. If this is what it's like now I dread to think what it will be like in a few years' time when he's bigger than me. I just froze really, and was completely bloody helpless and useless, other than shielding DD from him.

When he did finally calm down he spent a good half an hour crying that it wasn't fair, that he had only wanted to cuddle me and that I had told him off for that, that nobody loves him, that this was the worst day ever, that he wished he were dead . This was almost worse than the preceding tantrum.

Sorry that this is all very self-indulgent and sob-story-ish. I just feel exhausted and drained and would love anyone to come and talk to me who knows what this is like. I have chatted to a few friends who are largely sympathetic but I think also secretly horrified at what DS is like and possibly also judging me for "allowing" him to behave like this (or I could just be paranoid!).

The crap phase continues... It's been a dreadful few days: every damned thing is setting ds off and turning into a giant battle. Getting dressed, getting undressed, eating, going to school, going to bed. We are doing lots of distraction, indirect requests, negotiation, etc but it's fecking exhausting. Arghhh.

Sorry to hear that Jacksterbear! Is your DH back yet?

I find June is one of the worst times of the school year (that and the run-up to Christmas). The odd days of holiday, and the summer term winding down, sports days and extra events and outings, really disrupt my DS. I try to keep things predictable and maintain the routine and schedules at home more closely to make up for it but that isn?t always enough.

When you?re giving attention to DD, would it help if you were very clear about when you will be free to give him attention? Sometimes ASC-ish kids are better if you tell them ?I will talk to you in five minutes / when the timer goes off / when DD has a fresh nappy on? ? because they really can?t work that out for themselves. Though if he?s already feeling ratty and on edge he just may not have enough self control to wait at all, sorry! Hang in there?.

or

Kleinzeit yes he's back, thanks. Yep unexpected changes to routine are a disaster here too. Also, good point re giving more specific timings: I tend to just say "in a moment", which always sets ds off pestering for an answer as to exactly how long I mean - he really can't cope with the vague answer and needs a precise one!

Hope your day has been better today jackster and to everyone else on the thread who is also experiencing the same! We have been going through a good patch and I was just once again starting to believe it was all in my head and i need to just enjoy my son but i've just had a shocking evening! Bedtime has to be such a battle and it just wears me out as he's so unpredictable!

Please don't think i was criticising parent courses. I am crying out for tips and strategies that will genuinely benefit my family. However, I am still in the "you're a crap parent" stage of diagnosis and the course i'm on is designed exactly for this!
I have attended today and am constantly told Banana, you think your ds has asd/adhd so this really doesn't apply to you!
Just wish people would listen!!!!

DS been much better today, thanks banana, although today has been stressful for other reasons, including discovering a GP cock-up re our paed referral that means we're effectively back to square one with that . Sorry u have had a bad evening. Hope you got sime remaxation time after ur ds settled. I definitely sympathise re the battle over bedtime and the unpredictability!

Just wanted to pop back and say THANK YOU to those who recommended The Explosive Child!

Have read it properly now (had previously only skimmed) and was bowled over by how accurately it described DS (it had me in tears at some points), and also how well it answered my doubts from earlier in this thread re "we should be showing him who's boss / he needs to know who's in charge and that we disapprove" etc. We had already been using negotiation techniques with him, and the Plan B stuff is helping to refine those and make them (hopefully) more productive.

We are still having a crap time with him (he is refusing to go to bed at the moment and is not settling til v late at night which is making him exhausted and even more volatile than usual )... but feeling a bit more positive that we are going to be able to cope with him.