Oh god dh and ds again

[Nerfmother]

I just can't stand it dh doesn't seem to be able to just leave it, whereas I just ignore the insults from ds as I know it will escalate, dh is such a baby sometimes waving meat at ds, triggering a massive fit and violence from ds, then dh is all restraining him and getting furious and ds just keeps throwing shoes and stuff at dh. I can't stand this shit.

Waving MEAT at someone?is your husband six?

Exactly.

Oh jeez.

Sorry. That was a very incoherent post, I am just so fed up of dh having a lot less patience with ds than I do. And then sometimes I think maybe I'm a mug as I let him get away with name calling etc and I expect dh to put up with random insults and attacks. Mostly he does. I am very protective of ds, maybe it doesn't help and he needs telling off.

How old is ds and how capable is he? I don't condone what your husband is doing, it's childish and unhelpful, but if your ds is seventeen with mild ADHD, then yes he does need telling off. I'm assuming this is not the case though....

Ten with add. Very difficult behaviour, tbh, constantly aggressive as a first strategy. I don't know what I want dh to do, we can't let ds grow up thinking lashing out will work for him. I was in an abusive relationship and am super sensitive to any kind of contact tbh.

Asd not add

Yes, he needs telling off, but he does not need to be childishly provoked. My ten year old has ADHD and autism but I do not allow aggression, it gets punished hugely, never ignored.

Can you tell me what sort of sanctions you use? It would be really helpful. Ds does stuff like shoving his younger siblings when they annoy him and throwing things or kicking dh from behind.

We did 1-2-3 magic. Simple, but we need it that way

Hasn't eliminated the impulsive aggression (concerta more helpful for that, as it gives him a split-second of extra thinking time). But it means when I count, he does pay attention. When it starts, I usually send him upstairs to calm down / stay out of harm's way.

Thanks mareeya, I will google it. I'm hoping dh will get something out of the camhs sessions we have coming up, and ds too.

I also use 1 2 3 magic, with the punishment being a complete tech ban. No computers, tv, hand held games etc.

He has to earn his time back with respectful behavior and a pleasant attitude.

Okay that sounds good. I've spent a long time fighting his corner and maybe I need to step back and stop expecting everyone to treat him with kid gloves. Dh has apologised for shouting at ds, but maybe I'm wrong on some of this.

Good advice on here (and sane, had horrible moment when I thought I'd get told to LTB, than remembered this wasn't relationships)
Dh says things to me like am I supposed to just sit there while ds throws shoes at me? I think it gets to that stage because dh doesn't pick up on the early signs, or jumps at something I'd ignore.
Sigh. Will reread and follow the advice.

For my DC's, NT or SN, works for all, we have a no tolerance policy on violence towards people. Dealt with by warning that this stops now or they will lose screen time (ALL screens). If they do it again / carry on, loss of screen time happens. If they still continue, they get sent to a 'safe' space - not always their own room, the DS's often end up being sent to sit on my bed as they share a room and I won't exclude a well-behaved DC from their own room.

Do you find that your dcs get so outraged by the unfairness of the sanction that it doesn't work? Eg if I sent ds to a room to calm down he would be so outraged as he totally believes he is justified in hitting dh when dh annoys him. I always try to listen to him, even if I think he's wrong, to avoid it all escalating.
But, I will hAve a think about that for the dcs as a group.

Off to bed now, thank you for the helpful replies.

I think that this is 6 of one, and half a dozen of the other.

No, your DH shouldn't have to just sit there whilst your DS throws shoes at him - that just isn't acceptable.

However, neither is it acceptable for your DH to taunt your DS with things that he knows will trigger a meltdown.

But it's also not acceptable for you to just totally ignore your DS's violence.

There needs to be some element of avoiding triggers, some element of accepting that your DS will likely resort to violence when triggered, some element of getting across that violence is NEVER acceptable, some element if punishment FOR violence.

Basically, you all need to put some work in!

I think you need to set rules with your DS that violence will NOT be tolerated, and if your DS is violent, he will lose (insert most loved thing here, needs to be motivating enough to make him want to stop).

I think you need to talk to your DH and tell him that it is not acceptable to CAUSE a meltdown.

I think you need to see that you aren't helping your DS in the long run by getting everyone in the house to tiptoe around him, because he will expect everyone in the outside world to do that too.

I hope you can all work together to manage these situations better. (((Hugs)))

Nerf - DS1 especially DOES get outraged by it. I don't try to discuss the situation with them until they are REALLY calmed down. It's pointless. DS1 feels he was in the right, DD has almost instantly forgotten she was violent until reminded!

He just has to accept that in the real world, violence is NEVER acceptable. And in fact, at 10, he CAN be prosecuted for being violent EVEN if he felt he was in the right!

That's the only way I get through to DS1, tbh, the bare facts of the law.

Really am off to bed now. Think you are spot on with some of your last post. Will reread in the morning when less tired and fed up

I DON'T listen, until they have fully calmed down. Instant sanction if they have ignored their warning and their first punishment of loss of screen time.

Talking comes later.

There's no point in trying to listen when they aren't ready to even try to see the other sides of the story.

And what you listening to your DS is doing is aggravating your DH because HE was on the receiving end of the violence, yet his aggressor is the one being listened to, whilst he is being ignored.

I guess to your DH it is like being the victim of DV yet everybody ignoring you. And who can he go to for help when it's a child?

I can see all sides tbh!

I am the mum who gets the violence directed at them. I have spent years discussing with my Ex how he felt when I used to do that with DD, what you are doing, and I can see the anxiousness of my DD when she has had a violent meltdown.

It's a shitty position to be in, but you have to try to do the 'least worst' for everyone in the family, rather than the 'best' for one person in the family.

You can't put your DS's emotional well being above the emotional well being of your other DC's, and you also have to think about the feelings of your partner too.

It's a bloody difficult balancing act!!

Thanks, lots of sense in there. Hard to see from an outside point of view.

I mean, hard for me to see from an outside pov