Oh god dh and ds again

[Nerfmother]

I just can't stand it dh doesn't seem to be able to just leave it, whereas I just ignore the insults from ds as I know it will escalate, dh is such a baby sometimes waving meat at ds, triggering a massive fit and violence from ds, then dh is all restraining him and getting furious and ds just keeps throwing shoes and stuff at dh. I can't stand this shit.

3 issues IMO.

1. effect on BOTH ds's
2. work/care not fairly distributed
3. DH needs to stop shouting and being so aggressive with me and the children. It's abusive and I can see him edging into the physical aspect, which means it will effectively end the relationship.

I know that ASD is partly hereditary and I can see the traits in DH (and his dad who has held a grudge against me for 23 years because HE walked in on me in the bath).

DH drives me mad and when I really need some respite he will make a big issue of 'giving me time', whilst ratcheting up the stress levels unnecessarily until DS1 has a meltdown or he will leave them to their own devices and not intervene until DS2 completely loses it with DS1. My real respite is when DH is at work because I can create a relatively calm and relaxed atmosphere.

He struggles with the whole husband/father thing because he also has socio-communication difficulties. I would hate to think that in 10/20 years time DS1's dp would leave him because of his difficulties.

Is that arrogant denier thing in Tony Attwood's book?

DH drives me mad and when I really need some respite he will make a big issue of 'giving me time', whilst ratcheting up the stress levels unnecessarily until DS1 has a meltdown or he will leave them to their own devices and not intervene until DS2 completely loses it with DS1. My real respite is when DH is at work sad because I can create a relatively calm and relaxed atmosphere.

This is our house to a T, KeepOn. Scary, isn't it?

A meltdown in itself IS an anxious reaction to a situation, but violence should STILL not be tolerated. The OP is saying how her younger DC's are sometimes on the receiving end of the violence - she also has to bear in mind THEIR emotions.

As do I, with 4 DC's and it being DD, the eldest, who is most likely to have violent meltdowns.

Yes, there is a HUGE amount of avoiding triggers done, and a huge amount of trying to jump in before she lashes out, and a lot of redirecting to anger, but that still doesn't change the fact that for my OTHER DC's emotional well being, I have to punish her.

I have had these rules since she was 4yo, now finally at 15 she is sonetimes (NOT always) able to stop and redirect herself to punching the door, or kicking the sofa, instead of her siblings. Work in progress.

And once she is calm, she can accept that the punishment will happen even if the violence WAS her lashing out in a meltdown.

It's taken 11 years for it to stick even a little, so it takes FAR more sustained effort than it does with an NT DC, who WOULD care about losing things that they like at a much younger age, but we are slowly improving.

It's bloody tiring mind you!

Maybe what's key in my relationship with my Ex is that he HAS dxd Autism himself - so it's maybe easier for me to approach him from that angle?

How many Autistic traits can you see in your DP's...

It also helps that me & the Ex are separated and live apart! But yes, I 'get' everything that has been mentioned here.

My Ex's behaviours really DO shine through the above few posts!

And yes it DID feel like I had an extra DC to 'referee' when he lived here.

Much easier to cope with when it's only 2/3 evenings a week!

I think for me one of the most aggravating aspects is that DH complains that DS2 (and DS3) are quite aggressive and shouty... he doesn't seem to see that he is the same way, and if I point it out he becomes defensive. But children learn from example... sigh

and yes, Polter. It's alarming for me too, which is why I do not leave him alone with them...ever. And I intervene. Rather have his anger directed at me, not them. But it's generally when, for example, DS2 is having a meltdown or getting close and starts swinging his arms and legs and going after someone. I generally just hold him so that he can't hurt himself or anyone else. Recently DH pushed him back hard enough for DS2 to fall on the floor. DH swears he didn't push him, just said he "moved his arm" and that DS2 fell over. It happened so fast, and DH was being really verbally aggressive, so I'm uncomfortable with it. I got angry with DH, and he got very defensive - I am not happy with "I moved my arm and he fell over." To me, that's pushing. I guess if he'd been horrified and said "oh god, I didn't mean to do that!" maybe I'd feel better? The defensive attitude (and not admitting he'd done anything wrong) really unnerves me.

IMO when they are getting physical, our job is damage control and to calm them down, not actively fight back with them IYSWIM.

Does that make sense, or am I just too critical?

This is really interesting to read, certainly not a sidetrack triggles, I think my thinking is more like county's but my reality is more like triggles and keep on if that makes sense.
The good news is that we have finally seen someone who seems to have been the trigger for additional support - young carers, camhs and more so of this doesn't work I will really be concerned about dhs ability to manage iyswim.

DH was much better after doing an early-bird type course. Though for a good few weeks he was worse, I think a lot of what he learned was a little close for comfort . Mind you, it took 4 years for me to persuade him to even think about doing it (mainly using the feed-exercise-distract techniques above )

Mellow parenting has a chill-out-the-dads programme. There's a list of more-or-less evidence based programmes here

I also had to give up all lingering thoughts about fairness, and to give up having much contact with anyone whose husbands/partners were 'new men'. Mind you, it's surprising how few people I needed to drop. Methinks feminism failed.

Yes, Mareeya I've noticed that as well. Are those programmes just in your area? I haven't seen any of those in our area. DH says he will go to a parenting class if it's for children with SNs. It's just finding one that he can get to.

camhs usually do one for 'dc with clinically significant issues', which you could probably persuade DH would count. Early Bird Plus is ASD. The camhs ones are usually triple P or webster stratton varieties (sometimes something called 'strengthening families' or similar).

LOts of thick unenlightened places only do daytime courses though This one isn't SN specific but is available via an -ahem- alternative parenting website. TripleP is also online I haven't explored this site properly yet but it looks interesting.

Mellow was being done round here, but you had to convince a SW you were dodgy in oder to get a funded place

have PM you something as well. hope that's ok

Mareeya

Thanks for that. I will look through them!

Since dx there has been nothing that dh can access in terms of training. There's a support group but neither of us ( despite mumsnet!) are really into chatting and comparing in real life. I work in sen so have access to a lot of info ( hollow laugh, much good it does me!) whereas this is dhs first experience of it.