I really need help

[needinghelphere]

I have namechanged because I really don't want a casual searcher to find this. I am not a troll and I am happy to tell you who I am by pm if you want or need me to. I am begging you before I start to please not flame me because I know how what I am going to say will sound and it has taken a lot of courage to even type it.

I have had enough of being a parent to my kids. I don't want to do it any more. I am sick of pretending on here and in real life that I am any good. I can't stand the constant noise the constant screaming and screeching. Today I realised I have had enough when I googled 'how to make yourself deaf'

I just keep fantasising about being deaf. Then I couldn't hear them and I could cope.

But right now, when they are screeching I have a clenching in my chest and I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. I feel breathless. I live on here as a way to block them out. I feel like I am going to die when they are jumping and yelling. It's like someone has my chest in a vice.

I tried to tell my husband and he laughed. He thought I was joking, I think.

But I am not joking. I want to poke something in my ears and never have to hear the constant beeping and screeching and whooping because I truly don't think I can cope any more.

My other choice is to drive off a bridge and I am about a week of screaming in my ear away from doing that.

Please don't flame me, I really need some help here.

Bloody hell no wonder you feel like you do. I'd be telling dh that as you don't feel able to cope and he thinks you should be able to then you are going to reverse roles and work out of the home full time whilst he is primary carer and if he doesn't want to do that then he is to support you in getting some support for your family's needs.

You are an equal to your husband and if you want respite get it and sod him its you who needs the support. Ring around 2moro do you have homestart they maybe able to help with someone to talk to as a starting point. x

I bought earplugs, headphones and an ipod for ds1 because his siblings often set him off due to their noise. And then his noise sets me off . Given that I know their sound sensitivity comes from me, and their nose sets me off, that my consequent shouting just makes everything go from bad to worse... the only answer was to steal ds1's equipment and use it myself.

This is not a long-term answer, not a suggestion that you do this instead of respite, doesn't mean 'put some earplugs in and you'll cope'. Just an observation that I know without the stolen ear defenders, there are at least half a dozen occasions when I personally would have lost the plot properly and perhaps seriously harmed at least ds1, if not all of them.

Have you looked into the possibility of a Disabled Facilities Grant to give them their own room each? It is not means tested for children and you don't even have to own your own home (as long as your landlord agrees to changes I think). It may be worth investigating?
Or is there any other way you could separate the children by say having a rota whereby each one gets 1hour uninterrupted in their bedroom while the other gets to watch tv downstairs? You might want to have some sort of visual timetable so that there are no arguments over whose turn it is. As for blocking out the sound can you tell your DH that you want to learn another language and then get some of those teach yourself CDs - that way you can have your headphones on without him making you feel bad

Respite would give them a break from each other, too. Mine are younger (9 and 7 in 2 weeks ) and DH and I often take one each, even if that just means taking them to different shops when we're out shopping. We can finally send DS1 to my parents for a couple of days at half term (he was just too unpredictable until recently) and DS2 is so chilled while he's gone (until he insists we go to school to fetch him back, because he thinks I've taken him there and forgotten him!).

Thank you all. It is quiet in the house and I am feeling much better for it

Thanks for all the ideas and for the listening ears. It really helps.

enjoy your p & q

Do you have a Social Worker who can access respite facilities for you? My Dh wasn't keen on our Ds going to respite and we did everything for him without any help for 10 years, even the Social Worker said we had done really well to go this long without any help. Both my Dh and myself just felt that he was out responsibility and we should just deal with it, but now I realise that we are not failing as parents because we need help, and sometimes you need time away from each other to recharge your batteries to make you a better parent.

No, we've not got a social worker. We've never had one. I think there was one somewhere who had us on some sort of record. I seem to recall a sw on a list of people invited to my eldest's first statement review, but that was well over a decade now. (he was dx at 2.5. gawd, doesn't time fly! ) she never attended and I can't recall ever having contact. We've never asked for one.

I did once call up the la and ask who I needed to talk to about direct payments, because I was thinking I might be able to hire a worker to do social things with them now and again (not for respite but to help us teach them independent living skills) but was basically told to sod off.

I have however this afternoon had a call from the school. I had talked about social opportunities for them and there's apparently an organisation called aspire (I think that's what he called them) that supplies youth workers. So they're bringing me an application form tomorrow.

Needinghelp been to ds's AR today and Connexions were nagging me to apply for Derbyshire's Short Breaks Funding which would entitle me to 80 hours respite or £800 to spend on something that would benefit ds. I'm not keen on the idea of eighty hours purely because I think Fairplay or DASG would supply it and ds would hate both options but a holiday or an activity weekly might be an idea (ds likes wall climbing and the gym) Maybe something like that could work for you? Happy to pm you contact details if you wanted.