I really need help

[needinghelphere]

I have namechanged because I really don't want a casual searcher to find this. I am not a troll and I am happy to tell you who I am by pm if you want or need me to. I am begging you before I start to please not flame me because I know how what I am going to say will sound and it has taken a lot of courage to even type it.

I have had enough of being a parent to my kids. I don't want to do it any more. I am sick of pretending on here and in real life that I am any good. I can't stand the constant noise the constant screaming and screeching. Today I realised I have had enough when I googled 'how to make yourself deaf'

I just keep fantasising about being deaf. Then I couldn't hear them and I could cope.

But right now, when they are screeching I have a clenching in my chest and I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. I feel breathless. I live on here as a way to block them out. I feel like I am going to die when they are jumping and yelling. It's like someone has my chest in a vice.

I tried to tell my husband and he laughed. He thought I was joking, I think.

But I am not joking. I want to poke something in my ears and never have to hear the constant beeping and screeching and whooping because I truly don't think I can cope any more.

My other choice is to drive off a bridge and I am about a week of screaming in my ear away from doing that.

Please don't flame me, I really need some help here.

Earplugs would be bliss, but I wouldn't dare put them in in the evenings when my husband is here. He would just go on about how I shouldn't need to hide from my children.

I think a regular night away would be wonderful, but stepping back into the noise is 10 times worse than living in it. I know that sounds stupid. But going from the quiet to the noise makes my chest hurt.

They are 12 & 13, they can be anywhere in the house but can't go outside it without an adult, but you can hear them clear as a bell no matter where you are.

I am going to get earplugs though. Even if I can't use them much, maybe it will feel good to know that I have them?

Ok, they're old enough even with SN to be safely ignored for a while.

Would headphones with relaxing music work? That way you block them out for a while but you're not having to go from quiet to noise (totally get what you mean btw, I've actually found it worse since youngest started playschool as those couple of hours quiet make it so much louder when they're home)

You poor thing. You are utterly worn out. Flyingboy's weird noises cut me like a knife and thats not loud?

I think you need headphones on. How about noise cancelling headcans and listen to music.

Can I ask why they make so much noise. Is it that they can't help it or is it that one makes a noise so the other tops it. Could they also not stand the noise and be trying to cancel it out by making noise. What about earcans for them?

Do you have anyone at all that can babysit for you?

The only thing that keeps me sane sometimes is looking forward to an organised evening, day or weekend away. They are very few and far between, but make all the difference. Even if it's weeks away, knowing I am going to get a break somehow makes it easier to cope.

You need to do something for you. None of us can be all things to all people without having something for ourselves. Even if it's just escaping for an hour a week to go and buy a huge coffee and cake, sit somewhere quiet and maybe read a book or perhaps go for a stroll.

I can see how the noise thing could be really magnified if you're on the spectrum yourself and sensitive to noise. I know myself that ds1's coughing tick has reached the point where it literally goes through me like an electric shock each time now. It hurts my ears and it's all I can do not to shout at him to stop - and that's without a particular sensitivity to noise.

Even without the sensory issues, everyone needs some space and peace, it's a fundamental human need. There is never any of either in this house. Last month I downloaded a rainstorm cd onto my laptop as it helps to block out the continual noise. Would it help to find something similar that you could perhaps listen to through headphones? I find it really helps to destress me, but then I love the sound of rain on a roof or window pane. I listened to loads of samples on Amazon and Itunes before I found just the right one for me.

I've just got a new phone and it's got headphones and as soon as I can figure out how to get music onto it, yes, good idea, I'll try music.

I have tried and tried to understand why they make noise. My youngest doesn't have the language skills to tell me, even if he understood why he does what he does, and my eldest just shrugs and grins.

The funny thing is that yes, they do hate each other's noise. It causes many many arguments between them. I hadn't considered that they may be trying to cancel each other out.

sorry, no, there really isn't anybody who can babysit.

Cross posted with loads of people.

I agree with IE though. If they are both at school, you need to prioritise yourself and getting some peace and downtime during that period of time.

If you can't use earplugs when your dh is in, get him to get up with them at the weekend and have a lie in - either with earplugs in or your headphones on (I sleep better listening to rain, but that's probably just me). You aren't hiding from your children, you are having a well earned lie-in - everyone deserves one every now and again. I make a point of not getting up early at weekends and dh is used to it now. It's the only time I am child free and/or not doing something housework or child related, he gets lunchtimes, time on his own in the car and the odd night out - not to mention the company of other adults on a daily basis, so I don't think an hour's lie in at the weekend is too much to ask. On the rare occasions he has the dcs when I am ill he usually looks grey and wrung out by the end of the day, it's a good idea to 'remind' them how hard it is to do it all on your own sometimes.

Just a thought, but would headphones work for them? If they are possibly trying to cancel each others' noise out, it might be worth a try - that is if there's something they would like to listen to. I tried to get ds1 into listening to rain - but he preferred thunder, so we downloaded a really loud thunderstorm onto his mp3 player.

Have they done any modulated listening with OT?

Ds1 did some of the eASE listening CDs through his OT and he's much calmer and quieter with the headphones on. The OT let us burn copies of two of them and he has an old mp3 player with them on.

Any music would do for them though, could you afford to get them a cheap mp3 player and half decent noise reducing headphones each?

If you could get them both to listen to music at once it might result in a quieter house for a short time?

How can we flame you? You are just telling us the reality that we all see. It sounds like you need to get around the issue of 'support' and 'respite'.

Would your DH cope better if your DS1 just happened to be offered the chance to go to a club of some sort with someone as a buddy? And if your DS2 happened to be offered the chance to go to a different club, on a different day, again with a buddy? And there happened to be a club that they could both go to, with support, one evening per week, for instance?

Shifting the focus away from you and your despair to 'opening up their world' may get around the fact that your DH doesn't want 'respite'?

Can you put any or preferably all of them into after school club to get a longer break? (if there is one and you can afford to)

Is there any sure fire way of shutting them up that you usually eschew because you're a v good parent but could utilise in this time of need? Wall to wall cbeebies, fave dvd on a loop, latest obsession, etc

Do they sleep? Are you sleeping? Eating?

Can you take a week off work and sleep and refresh instead of cramming in work while they're at school?

If you are having panic attacks and feeling irritated, angry, low, tearful, suicidal on an ongoing basis, which is what you describe:(, I think you need to see the GP.

I will see if I can get them something, I am willing to try anything. If you told me to put horse dung in my ears I probably would at this point! but they're so hard on their technology that I know now that they'd break it within weeks. They're on their 3rd ds repair each. wii remotes smashed up during meltdowns. Can you recommend something really sturdy?

Never heard of modulated listening, how does that work?

I can understand why you're so stressed - DS2's constant screeching combined with DS1's persistent... persistence often have me wanting to curl up in a little ball and transport myself away from it all.

I see form the first few replies that respite has been mentioned, but from a purely practical point of view, can I recommend earplugs? I can't stand wearing them an even bigger sensory issue than my intolerance of noise), but I have some on standby, just in case the noise is in danger of sending me over the edge. I can't risk that when it's just me and them.

We're self employed so I could, but it just means it's all to come back to. Which doesn't mean I'm ruling it out!

No, there's no way to shut them up. They shout and sing along to the tv. And yell at each other for shouting and singing along to the tv!

Eating is not a problem. Stopping eating is a problem.

Sleeping is not so good. I haven't had an 8 hour sleep in 14 years.

Oh, I tell a lie, I've been in hospital a couple of times (asthma mostly, but an operation too) and I slept more then.

I am a proper moaning minnie, I know. I just feel like I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Proper know nothing darkness. I think that would be wonderful. I've just had enough, I think.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything to myself, I'm not saying that at all. I'm not suicidal. More that I wouldn't be scared of something happening to me, if that makes any sense. Like, I wouldn't take any treatment if I got cancer, for example.

I don't mean to cause any offence to anyone, it's just how I feel, I hope that people can see that I mean nothing beyond my own situation.

It's music that's been altered vary in pitch and tone a lot. For sensory seekers it gives them an intense burst of stimulation. It's horrendous to listen to if your sensory defensive like me though

Afaik they do different modulated stuff for sensory defensiveness.

Might be worth enquiring about?

Another thought - what's your house like acoustically? Do you have laminate floors because they're easy to clean. If you do, they're terrible for magnifying noise and the reverb off it makes my boys a lot louder. Plus, it's clattery.

I will, thanks.

And will look into everything here. Everyone has made great points and suggestions. As you always do.

reframing it, yes. putting a spin on it. If it's described as being for their benefit, he will move heaven and earth to get them there.

Unless it is seen as being 'help'. Then he won't allow it. Our eldest has a 'buddy', he's going to start taking him out, but it is something done during school hours and comes after cahms involvement (long story and that took some pitching too!) but there's nothing much outside of school hours, only a one hour club that our eldest goes to but our youngest can't because he needs higher support than they can offer. and nothing at all during school holidays round here.

No, it's carpet all the way. It's just a really tiny house. 2 bed semi. There's nowhere at all to go to be alone.

There's a lock on our bedroom door. In theory you could lock yourself in and have an hour but they always hear the lock slide and that's it. They start banging and demanding to come in.

Or my husband lets them eat a bowl of bloody cereal for their dinner because he'd rather they forage than get up and cook a ruddy meal.

And yy to antidepressants - especially from what you've said in your 18:50:52 post.

Your husband needs this - to be used as a suppository.

I really feel for you and I suspect we live in the same LA where to get respite is another battle in itself particularly when ASD isn't a qualifying disability in its' own right.
Do they have their own rooms? Are they childproof? I send mine to their rooms not as a punishment but just because we all need a break. There are plenty of distractions in there and even having to tidy up afterwards is worth it. Would that work there?
I'd probably go away for a break and leave dh to it tbh so that he had some idea of how relentless and mind numbing the day to day grind is.

Ha! Ouryve that made me laugh.

No, they share a room. Big problem in itself. fights and interfering with each other's stuff but also my youngest demands they go to bed at the same time etc, so I know that even if they had their own room, my youngest would hate it and make a lot of noise about it!

I do tell them to go and play upstairs, yes, at least it's a bit muffled! Although it always ends up with one of them coming storming downstairs screaming about something.

I don't ask for respite because my husband is all respite? respite? from our children? It's not about us, that's attention seeking...

making any comment about how it is for you is attention seeking, apparently. That's a bit hard to deal with, but I'm well used to it.