DS1 is now trashing the house.

[LynetteScavo]

Well, only his bedroom, but it's being spectacularly destroyed. Wallpaper ripped off, etc.

His glasses have been snapped in half and thrown. (Can only find one lens, but luckily it't the thick one, so hopefully they will have the frames in stock.)

Apparently it's because I shouted.

He's sworn a lot and told us (me and DH) we are useless and live in a crap hole. (OH, and trashing your bedroom will improve that will it, DS1? ) I have pointed out that actually we are reasonably well off and live in a reasonably nice house, even if we don't have flash cars and holiday abroad.

This is the kind of behaviour that would normally have me running to a psychologist demanding a diagnosis of autism...but this is the first time he's kicked off since we got the diagnosis....he's been perfect since last September when he tried to burn down the house.

It sounds difficult, I'm sorry.

do you think you shouting is the root cause, or something he has said as it is the last thing he remembers which went 'wrong' for him?

it sounds extreme for 'just' shouting, especially since it seems that it doesn't happen every time you shout (assuming you, like me, shout ooooh, every so often )

Crap, isn't it?

There's nothing you can do, as you know, but wait.

I haven't found any way to stop it. I don't think there is one, short of physically restraining them!

I have a rule now that anything you trash - you live without or replace with pocket money/birthday money because I will not be replacing it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

my ds has had a spectacular meltdown today, in the car of all places and has even kicked his nana (my DM) in the head!

since chatting it all happened because it's mothers day and it hasnt gone as smoothly as he wanted/planned!
don't know if this will be of any use to you, am new here and at the beginning of a road to diagnosis, just wanted you to know you are not alone

Thank you all.

We've now had smoothie and ketchup squirted all over the kitchen. DH is cleaning it up with a dogs bottom mouth.

Have talked to DS2 and DD about it...after their bedtime story...they are both bathed and in bed and seem OK. DS2 is sniggering, DD is a bit nervous.

We've had 5 months of calm. 5 months! I saw it coming, because he's been hyper for the past two weeks.

I did tell them all off over dinner (they were moaning they didn't like it - I'd cooked what I'd like for once because it's mothers day) DH and I both got cross, and I told them I'd earned the money to buy it, gone out and bought it, cooked it, put it on the table, and the least they could all do was eat it, and anything they didn't want put in the bin, and their plate in the dishwasher. I asked them if they thought Granny would have let me behave so rudely, or Granddad would have let DH behave like they were behaving, and they all agreed not.

He's 14. Does this kind of behaviour ever stop? He can't behave like this as an adult!

Do you think I should mention any thing to the younger ones school in the morning? DD (7yo) has a harsh NQT...would it be too much to ask if she doesn't clamp down too hard on her in the next couple of weeks...I know other children have much harder home lives...what do you think?

He's also opened a good bottle of champagne outside the back door.

DH says if it happens again he's calling the police. I say he's not having any pocked money, until the damage he's done is covered. At £5 per week, that will be at least a year.

Oh, Lynette it's horrible when they lose it completely and I remember it well.
It was impossible to engage with DS when he lost it to that extent, and responding to his rants just fueled the rage. I used to put him in his room at 12 and 13, and sit outside blocking the door without talking so that he raged in his own space.
We found ways of channeling it so that he could release the need for violence, but he was incredibly strong when he had a meltdown and did some serious damage.

Yes, his behaviour has improved, he recognises when the tension is building and goes to his room, or plays with the cat or says 'Nobody talk to me for an hour'
He is happier now he has more control and can spot the beginnings of a trigger and articulate or make a choice about what to do before the red mist.
But the change has taken around 5 years with small changes and a lot of discussion and planning.
It's so hard sometimes. Especially if they've had a run of doing well and you've just started to relax and feel optimistic.

No, we aren't getting any support.

I saw his head of year in January, and agreed everything was OK, and he didn't need any support in school. I'd noticed he was even leaving his exit card at home, so obviously wasn't using it.

I've obviously pushed him over the edge. Or so he says. Maybe his anxiety could be about something else? Who knows.

I don't want to upset you further, or make you feel that you've done anything wrong, but if I tell DS something negative or if I'm very angry I have to do it in a calm, flat voice and not loudly.
If I shouted or ranted at him, all that happened is he reflected the rage back, he didn't hear what I was saying, he just heard the anger and all the words crashing around him and he got upset. With him, distress is always fury rather than tears or withdrawal or rocking. Hulk Smash.
Perhaps your DS is somewhat similar. Perhaps not.

I know only too well, that shouting is not effective( and he's have no idea what is being said/shouted, will only hear the noise.....I wasn't even shouting, but I was very narky and a bit ranty.

He may be feeling the pressure at school, or he may be having a growth spurt (always a difficult time). I'm tired of second guessing atm. DH is totally furious. DS is mostly doing very well with his life (he goes to school independently, does most of his homework, etc) DH is now ranting that he will end up a on the dole with no future if he carries on like this.

When we got the diagnosis, the letter said we should access support, but we were given no advice on how to do that. I know another mother who received a diagnosis around the same time who had to really chase to access support for parents.

I've spend years reducing his anxiety ect...I was on tender hooks when we went to London at half term....I thought it would all be too much for DS, but he was utterly fantastic. Now this!

Do you think I should take him up a hot chocolate and brioche in a bit, or will it be thrown?

Hi

re the comment made by PolterGoose:-
"So there can be a considerable amount of stuff going on at school that is causing the anxiety but the child somehow holds it together during the school day, but it will come out sometime and usually at home".

This is so very true. That is a scenario that has been seen on here many times and could well be a factor now in why DS is being so destructive.

Year nine also can be a time of great anxiety in secondary school as they also have to choose their options for GCSE courses.

I would be having a word again with his secondary school. Do you think his additional needs at school are actually being met whilst he is at school?. If he is not on any plan like School Action Plus I'd be asking them exactly why that is.

Please don't think I was being critical at all Lynette, it's just that I remember the roller-coaster so well. And although it's been two years since a violent meltdown, and he's doing OK at college, I'm still waiting for the next time.
Every time I get a communication from college, every time something starts to get wobbly, I prepare for the storm with a sinking heart.
Even when I open the letter and it's just a sodding bulletin, I have to grab a cup of tea and breathe for a moment.

Lynette,

Who wrote this letter?. CAMHS?. Oh yes, they will tell you that support can be accessed but no-one tells you who you need to talk to!.

You are basically your child's best - and only - advocate. No-one is better placed than you to fight his corner for him and actually no-one else will do this for you.

If he is doing only most of his homework the school will pick up on that and perhaps give him a hard time.

With regards to support in school then you yourself will need to apply to the LEA and request a Statement of special needs. IPSEA's website are helpful when it comes to the statementing process www.ipsea.org.uk. It can however, take around 6 months for a statement to be both agreed on and up and running (it can take even longer if the LEA stall your application for whatever spurious reasons).

Did you ever apply for DLA (Disability Living Allowance)?. This is also something I would now consider doing.

Never for one moment thought you were being at all critical of OP TheNebulousBoojum.

You reminded me of something. I have also felt a sense of foreboding when I receive correspondence from school, I usually say to myself well what now?. Then I open it and feel a total sense of relief that nothing is really wrong.

LynetteScarvo, I find that it's easy to see the trauma in my other children when DD1 kicks off. However, it's harder for me to see the trauma for her, because she seems to have been doing her utmost to make life hell difficult for me.

I think it's great to make your DD's school aware that you are having a tricky time. However, I also think it would be a great idea to try and give DS some TLC once he is calm and over the next few days - he's obviously struggling, isn't he?

I didn't think you were being critical at all, TheNebulousBoojum. I recognise so much of what you say, and it's nice to know it's not just me (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone!) .

Thank you for the info about getting a statement. Even now we have a diagnosis, I'm still feeling like a bit of a fraud.

DVLA? Really?

I think I'm going to bed now, as I'm exhausted.

Hi Lynette

Not DVLA, that's a typo!.

Your son would probably be entitled to receive DLA, its honestly worth looking into. Do check this out.

Same re the statement, you would not be a fraud to apply for one of these. It could well be that his school will not do so but that does not mean to say that you cannot.

You are your child's best - and only - advocate.

One thing I can speak to from experience - I cared for a boy/young man with autism, who could be very volatile. His parents learned over the years how to avoid the outbursts at home, danced a very careful dance around him, and declared themselves successful.

No demands were ever placed on him, in essence, he controlled the house - not through deliberate means, but because his parents were afraid of what he was capable of (by the time he was 16 years old, he was 6'5", and his father had trained with him in martial arts for many years - with the young man eventually earning a black belt).

Finally, they asked me (after not being an active part of their family for some time) to spend an evening with him so they could celebrate their wedding anniversary.

I served the evening meal his mother had prepared, but put it on the plate the "wrong way". I used the wrong glass for his drink. I asked him if he wanted to prepare the rest of his dinner the way that was right for him so he could show me how he preferred it, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Because, over the years, he had not learned how to anticipate the red mist, and definitely not learned how to avoid it or try and back away from the edge - it did not end well. I was hospitalised, he was institutionalised.

I am not saying that this will happen to you, I am saying that this is an extreme example. Because of this, we push my DS just a bit - in very controlled situations, we help him to learn his triggers, and how to back away. He has not had a meltdown in some years now, but we are always aware that it is possible. We see the importance of making sure that he can find his control, since we know as he gets older we will not always be there to recognize and defuse a situation.

I am sorry you are going through this - it is so scary, trying to protect your other children and yourselves, trying to help your DC find his centre as he is feeling just as scared and out of control as the rest of you, trying not to lose it and make things escalate.

Honks