DS1 is now trashing the house.

[LynetteScavo]

Well, only his bedroom, but it's being spectacularly destroyed. Wallpaper ripped off, etc.

His glasses have been snapped in half and thrown. (Can only find one lens, but luckily it't the thick one, so hopefully they will have the frames in stock.)

Apparently it's because I shouted.

He's sworn a lot and told us (me and DH) we are useless and live in a crap hole. (OH, and trashing your bedroom will improve that will it, DS1? ) I have pointed out that actually we are reasonably well off and live in a reasonably nice house, even if we don't have flash cars and holiday abroad.

This is the kind of behaviour that would normally have me running to a psychologist demanding a diagnosis of autism...but this is the first time he's kicked off since we got the diagnosis....he's been perfect since last September when he tried to burn down the house.

I agree too, BeeMom, if you know your child and pick your opportunities and battles carefully, then the challenges created by pushing boundaries are more likely to be overcome.
If you create a completely safe and non-challenging environment for your child, they can struggle and fail when released into the wild.
I wanted to enable DS to live in the world, his AS is the only real stumbling block. So far it's working out well.

I am glad my contribution is being taken in the spirit it was intended. After I posted it, I wondered if it seemed judgemental (certainly not intended that way).

Goodness knows, I have never put my foot in it before

It is a VERY extreme example, but sadly I have seen first hand a number of families that started out tiptoeing circles around their DCs and it became so ingrained that the mere thought of challenging them to help the DC find ways to manage "in the wild" (love your way of putting it, Boojum) was more than these parents could endure.

Sadly, the children in question all too often end up in the criminal justice system - either within a mental health framework, or in the absence of it.

After I stopped working in the field as a paramedic, but before I stopped working outside the home entirely, I was a crisis counsellor in a supportive housing facility for individuals who were chronically homeless/underhoused and had mental health and/or substance abuse issues. I saw many individuals who came from homes where their behaviours were difficult to manage, so triggers were avoided entirely. Once they found their way into the "adult" world, they were unable to manage those terrifying impulses and feelings, and either lashed out and ended up so intensely withdrawn as to be hermits. Sometimes, it was the lucky ones who ended up with criminal justice involvement, as they were fast tracked for mental health support, housing, counselling and medication where appropriate. Many resorted to self-medication with drugs of convenience, perpetuating a dangerous cycle.

Flying boy had a meltdown this evening. We've had a lovely day and he's been very happy and smiley. Then at ten thirty he was still on his bed fully clothed so I asked him to get pyjamed and washed. He crashes about a lot in the bathroom and just as you are drifting off he starts the lengthy going to bed process so I quite often nag him. He did nothing so I chuntered again cue shouting and then loads of sobbing. Why I thought he might not have remembered its the aniversary of my father's death I don't know. Of course he knows. Poor love.

Recognizing what set him off is so important, and will be to him, too. In the morning, once he is a bit more able to talk about it, perhaps you can both share memories of your father - maybe even do something that will be a special memory of him.

Anniversaries are difficult, when you are someone who is very much in tune with dates and significant numbers (my DS is like that) they can be even more weighty.

You and Flying Boy are in my thoughts on this tough anniversary

Some of us are awake and reading your wise words, BeeMom.
So far DS has not lost anyone close to him, but that day will come and he won't handle it well.

Hope today's calmer. [hugs]

DS1 does and says similar things. He was really hyper at school, on book day and drew a smiley face on the wall in permanent marker. He said it didn't matter because the school needed to be demolished, anyhow. Even when he's calmer, he'll casually tip something all over the floor, then when asked to pick it up again say that the house is the biggest, scruffiest dump ever.

We're finding that DS1's lego is proving to be a safe way of him learning to cope when things go wrong. He was building his technic aeroplane, this morning, and couldn't find a part. He was getting a little irate "I really NEEEEED it" and I apologised that I couldn't help him because I needed to get us all ready to go to school. I really thought he was going to lose it - he doesn't do well on Monday mornings at the best of times. Nope, after bemoaning his lot for a bit, he had a brainwave and improvised a different option, which worked out and was quite pleased with himself.

I always dread the phone ringing in the middle of a school day.

Flyingboy said he was ok this morning and went to school (he boards). Now just hoping there isn't a phone call. The snow has made things treacherous so I can't fetch him. Just had the scariest journey ever home.

Well, no phone call from school - I did speak to his head of year this evening, who tells me DSs behaviour is brilliant in school. He also suggested we don't punish DS for his behaviour - what do you all think?

DH wants DS to make up for the damage he's done in some way (which is probably about £200) DH is still very upset, and can't see why DS has behaved like this.

The head of year suggested we ask CAHMS what they would advise we do during such an incident. In the past the advice has been to make sure DS knew not to hurt people, trashing things was OK. And to be fair, most of the damage was in his own room, to his own things.

Suggest you persuade DH not to decide for a week or so, "better to choose the right punishment when we've had time to see if he's learned from the mistake"
He'll probably opt for the "trash your stuff, tough, live without it" option later.

Telling dh that MNSN and teacher say "no punishment at all" might not help, I think you'll probably end up with a different family member's meltdown

I think you need to work on your DH understanding what's going on in his son's head. He needs to realise what is within the control of your DS and what is not.
He needs to be proactive rather than reactive or the situation will deteriorate further.
Good luck with that, my OH found it easier to let me deal and I'd explain what was going on and why afterwards.