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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

How would you want the school to tell you your dc may have additional needs?

32 replies

Ducklings45 · 09/03/2013 23:00

How would best like it approached if your child's teacher needed to tell you she thought you child might have additional learning needs?

All advice welcome, need to have a conversation with some parents next week and not sure how to tell them! I've tried broaching it before and they brushed it off as nothing.

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 09/03/2013 23:05

I've been approached clumsily and got very angry, the teacher was too evasive and I wanted to know what she suspected. The fact that she wanted to assess DD nbut could not tell me why was very annoying.

nupurkumarika · 09/03/2013 23:09

I would suggest tell them straight but then I was a parent who desperately wanted the teachers to see the quirks or the problem and they kept saying I am too eager to put a label on her. I was told stuff like - ooooh! You should not put labels on such young girls. They will outgrow their problems.

I had to literally fight, beg, cry and then threaten them with all sorts of stuff for statementing.

StarlightMcKenzie · 09/03/2013 23:09

Dear Parent, We are offering x support for some children in the class and feel yoru child might benefit. These are the areas we are going to be working on. Here is some information about what you can do at home to help if you like. Please feel free to come in and see us at any time to discuss this or ask any questions, we have an open door policy and work with parents closely to ensure that the needs and potential of their children are met.

nupurkumarika · 09/03/2013 23:09

So approach clearly but politely

OhYeaBaby · 09/03/2013 23:21

I was very reluctant to accept anything seriously wrong with DS I was convinced we were just bad parents - so paed turned to me and said - so what's it really like living with him? I had to confess it was a struggle. Then she said "is there anything you haven't already tried that you could do to get through to him?" and just in case I wasn't getting it "If you walk out of here today do you think he will improve on his own? What will he be like in 5 years time? It may sound a bit harsh, but the penny dropped with me ...

I'd be less keen on the comment made by one of his teachers some years later "hm, well he's clearly not normal, is he???"

Otherwise how much is it absolutely necessary for them to deal with right now? "ALL children have needs" after all - would they be more likely to engage if it was only something that was a minor concern than a 'big deal' about their child?

lougle · 09/03/2013 23:22

"I've been observing X over the last term and have noticed some things which are concerning me. I would like your permission to contact and involve the SENCO so that we can give X the support he/she needs to reach his/her potential."

This is pretty much what they said to me at preschool. Previous to that, although I'd had concerns nobody had suggested that I was right to have concerns, so I had accepted that DD1 was 'normal' and I was a 'bad parent'. So, their approach was completely unexpected.

justaboutalittlefrazzled · 09/03/2013 23:25

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germyrabbit · 09/03/2013 23:29

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lougle · 09/03/2013 23:32

The trouble is, germyrabbit, that if a teacher approaches a parent and the child does not have SEN, no harm done, apart from a bit of upset. If a child has SEN and they're missed, it can devastate their life.

DD2 is being 'missed'. Right now. I know it and I'm comfortable to watch and wait.

DD1 was 'just a bit immature' at 2.9 - she's at special school now.

germyrabbit · 09/03/2013 23:35

therefore there should be better trained professionals to spot these in schools rather that mostly NQTs second guessing

justaboutalittlefrazzled · 09/03/2013 23:35

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germyrabbit · 09/03/2013 23:36

and i would dispute that a little bit of 'upset' isn't the reality and once a child is labelled it really does stick

justaboutalittlefrazzled · 09/03/2013 23:38

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pollypandemonium · 09/03/2013 23:45

I think you should be as clear and direct as you need to be. Don't expect them to read between the lines because it can cause horrible confusion which can't be undone.

Try to anticipate their response with understanding and sympathy. They may just go 'OK, when can we have an assessment' or they may ask one question, then another until you are out of your depth. They may also feel emotional.

Try to make sure you have enough time to spend with them so they can go away contented that you have their child's best interests at heart (and theirs), and that there is nothing wrong with their child.

Reassure them by telling them how it is not unusual and that every child has different needs.

Do not speak to them in front of the child, the child should never feel as though they are the problem.

lougle · 09/03/2013 23:48

Be careful, germyrabbit, it almost sounds like you think that having SEN is something to be ashamed of....

germyrabbit · 09/03/2013 23:53

i don't think that at all, and would like to think that now we were living in a society where 'utopia' existed rather than spending money where it isn't needed

pollypandemonium · 10/03/2013 00:07

The number of conversations I've had in front of dd, when they say "so what's the diagnosis?" UNBELIEVABLE get it all the time from the health service. I'm like "can we speak outside for a minute".

How the bejeezus would you feel if two people were talking in front of you about the way you behaved or what books you read or how fast you could run and telling each other that you can't do it properly and need help? Children see themselves as completely normal. They may have half their body missing but to them, they are normal. How bizarre would it be for you to feel everything's fine but for someone to come in and say actually...

That was a rant not aimed at anyone here

Give them the help and support they need but be extremely careful about how you communicate.

justaboutalittlefrazzled · 10/03/2013 00:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asheth · 10/03/2013 00:28

I would say discuss with respect and don't brush off what the parents say either, as they know their child and may see other aspects of their behaviour/development that you don't.

I am currantly in the position with my DSs pre-school where I feel they have slapped a label on him, are treating him according to that label to the extent where I feel like every aspect of his behaviour/development is put down to that label and they are seeing the label not the child. TBH I would find that wrong even if my DS does have this condition. But I don't believe he does have it. But every conversation I have with the pre-school leads to me feeling that my opinions don't count. I feel very frustrated at not being listened to and I am afraid that the label will stick.

I certainly don't feel that SEN is anything to be ashamed off. And in fact I think my DS does have some SEN - just not the one the pre-school seem to think. But the needs I think he has are being ignored and being treated differently is definitly affecting him.

Sorry if that is very waffly - I don't want to give to much detail in case it outs me. But please listen to what the parents have to say even if you don't agree with everything. You will be able to help this child so much more if the parents are on board.

BackforGood · 10/03/2013 00:49

Cartainly in a meeting that has been arranged at a convenient time, and NOT in a playground conversation.
Definitely not as a first raising of any sort of concern (and I know some parents get very anxious if you ask them about concerns, and I know some parents don't pick up on subtle hints and questions you ask them, but we can only answer generally here, not knowing the situation)
Certainly with some objective evidence, examples of work or behaviour or a developmental profile
Certainly with an opportunity for the parent to come back tomorrow / next week, when they've had time to think about what has been said / talk it over with whoever they wish
Definitely NOT with anything being presented as a fait accompli... 'we're just bringing you in for the permission to refer' / "we'll deal with it" / all sewn up type scenario.

PolterGoose · 10/03/2013 09:23

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Ineedmorepatience · 10/03/2013 10:03

I wouldnt care so long as they told me, 3 schools missed Dd1 even though she was assessed for Adhd over a period of 2 yrs, she is still undiagnosed ar 24.

2 schools missed Dd2, she is dyslexic and has just been diagnosed at college, I raised concerns in yr 2, she is 17.

Dd3 was diagnosed with Asd when she was 9 after a move to a new school at 8 and I had raised concerns imediately when she started school at nearly 5.

Please Op whatever you do, dont decide to wait, it will be hard but the majority of parents would want to know and would be supportive.

Good luck

LimboLil · 10/03/2013 10:19

Hi, my humble opinion is you need to build them up to it a bit. So maybe arrange an appointment with them but something along the lines of, could we set by a time to meet up. We have noticed your child is struggling in some areas and may need more support and would like to discuss with you in detail. That gives them a little time to take in you have concerns. Then when you have the meeting, set out what the concerns are and what action you propose to take and stress it is very much in consultation with the parents. If at all possible, try and find a way to get across that you are not criticising them or suspecting them of being bad parents. When my son was finally diagnosed, the paed and ed psych couldn't stress enough that it isn't caused by parenting but that was the first time anyone had actually said that to me at the end of a process that took well over a year. I think most parents initially think where have we gone wrong. I'd be careful of mentioning any conditions too, that can be too scary to start I think. If you do suspect a condition, maybe say something along the lines of struggling in these areas can be caused by an underlying issue but not necessarily, but it's better that we investigate early on to make sure the right support can be put in place.

Sorry that sounds like an essay. I think it's a bit difficult to get it right, because everyone will react differently. When my son's ASD was first mentioned to me, I went into a total fog of denial for months. If it had been approached just slightly differently, I think maybe that wouldn't have happened.

Original poster

Ducklings45 · 10/03/2013 13:16

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I think a few people mentioned have concerete examples to give them, but I haven't got examples written down in that way, it's just
Lots of little things over the past few months that have build up a picture over time. And I cant specifically tell them what I think is wrong as I'm
Not entirely sure. It could be a number of things! I want to start with a speech and language referral and take it from there. Sorry to all those who think I am rubbish for coming and asking on here but I'm new to teaching and has never experienced anything like this before and I want to do the best for the child.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 10/03/2013 13:35

If you are new / unsure, then why not talk it over with the SENCo ?

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