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Help me be nice - following on from Star...

28 replies

inappropriatelyemployed · 02/03/2013 11:50

OK, following on from Star's inspirational niceness victory, I am doing the AR parental form this weekend.

This is long - be patient!

School are very kind, very helpful and willing to try new things.

However, there are three problems with reporting on progress.

  1. DS's TA is difficult - a 'muggle' if you will Grin It really is a case of 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink'. She is very keen on making him do the same as everyone else but she has no strategies to achieve this. She also often fails to follow advice from professionals or record her interventions. This should be less of a problem now we have our own SLT and our own OT involved but it was a problem when NHS S< was wafting in occasionally to see how things were going as targets were being marked as met on the basis of a casual conversation that DS 'usually' or generally did x,y or z.

She is very reactive and when things are going well she reneges from the provision and then gets annoyed when things go badly again. She handles him in a way which inevitably leads to pointless and avoidable confrontations.

How do I report back on the need to 'all sing from the same hymn sheet' and follow the required provision and advice without being overbearing, critical or condemnatory?

  1. NHS SLT is another story. We have DPs now for S< but she has just sent me her report. She has met DS twice. Her modus operandi was to go into school, talk to TA and report back to me what the targets would be as a fait accompli. I let this go for the 'greater good' but sometimes the targets would be particularly inappropriate, for example, a suggestion that DS spend 10 mins every day, at the end of the day with his TA to talk through the things that had gone wrong. This seemed very negative and doing this with a TA he is not particularly comfortable with and who may have a role to play herself in some of the things which had 'gone wrong' seemed very unfair.

Anyway, her report has listed all the targets she suggested but which were not worked on, commenting that work didn't happen because of me. No explanation of my reasons which just makes me look obstructive and I don't see what the point is in listing targets which were withdrawn.

She also left him without provision between Oct and December. He had been put in a social skills group but no one had gone through targets or explained the purpose of the group. I did not know this. DS thought the group was a bit of fun and when he found out what it was, he was really annoyed as he felt stupid that people thought he needed to be taught the things they were doing. The SLT had never discussed with me the contents of the groups but from what he said it seems like they were really inappropriate for his ability. Anyway, her report simply suggests that the groups were stopped because of 'parental feedback'(even though he told staff this himself) and doesn't explain how she then left him for two months without adjusting the provision - this included a statementing visit being missed.

SLT is now out of the way so I don't want to spend too much time battling this and have made comments on the report. Do I just make these comments in the report and move o, looking to the future with a different SLT?

  1. DS has some programmes which need to be set up but he doesn't want to do them with TA - they relate to sensitive anxiety management issues.

How do I manage this?

I am told TA will be at meeting.

OP posts:
PipinJo · 02/03/2013 12:06

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inappropriatelyemployed · 02/03/2013 12:17

Thanks this is really helpful- this TA is a qualified teacher which, I think, has been part of the problem. DS has had a NQT soi she has just left her to it.

Another teacher is now taking the class.

Not sure if teacher is there but SENCO is onside and we have our own SLT which should improve things.

I suppose we just need to ensure that there are 'ground rules' agreed by everyone and that they are followed.

Maybe I could comment on all the good things that have happened and then request that we try and move it to the 'next level' of progress by looking at proactive strategies now he is settled.

I could ask that we agree, separate to the timetabled provision, a list of strategies that will be used in the more predictable difficult situations e.g. we could identify 'red flag' times: transitions, holidays, PE and be aware that even if he copes on occasion, they are still 'red flag' times where conflict/stress will occur. We could agree how they could be managed and what accommodations will be made. We could also agree what work could be done to help with this long-term e.g. work on flexible thinking/anxiety etc.

It is the latter point which is more tricky as I will have to comment on how and with whom this could be done. I could suggest he could work on some of these things with different people to get him used to more flexible thinking???

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PipinJo · 02/03/2013 12:40

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zzzzz · 02/03/2013 12:40

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inappropriatelyemployed · 02/03/2013 13:06

You super clever people - thanks!!

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KOKOagainandagain · 02/03/2013 13:23

DS2 is seen and has had numerous assessments with NHS SALT.

My tactic of late has been to communicate directly with the specialist SALT teacher and therapist where there recommendations have not been adequately incorporated into provision by the school - maybe emailing current IEP.

This has led to communication from the SALT directly with the head/senco and resulted in changes to the IEP (that I was unable to have agreed at review) and the training of TAs to implement recommendations.

Wind 'em up and watch them go Wink

inappropriatelyemployed · 02/03/2013 15:12

It isn't so bad now we have our own SLT as she has done very specific monitoring forms and will go in to train

But I am faced with a report based on the last eight months of immeasurable provision and I don't want to get into an argument about it!

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PolterGoose · 02/03/2013 16:08

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inappropriatelyemployed · 02/03/2013 20:19

Thanks I am seeing SENCO on Monday with EP. I need to get AR form in by then too. I will try and flag up key issues to her then.

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StarlightMcKenzie · 03/03/2013 22:09

Hi Inappropriately. Good luck for tomorrow.

Your school sound like they could be receptive in general, but you have to remember that it takes two to tango. I'm relieved that my meeting went well and I tried my best, but the people that I was meeting with were equally trying their best. It wasn't purely down to my performance iyswim.

I've had plenty of meetings where I have not had that result,

  • and tbh our relationship is still in the early stages and I don't know if the promises will materialise in a way that I feel they need to.

So, I hope that you can get what you want, or at least the beginnings of what you need.

inappropriatelyemployed · 03/03/2013 23:24

Thanks Star.

It is tricky, DS did his AR form today - I posted elsewhere about it and he was so miserable about everything and how hard it all is. He seems to particularly dislike other children!

This is a very caring school but you shouldn't have a full time 1:1 and have a child writing that they have no one to discuss their worries with.

I need to tackle that head on as unpleasant as it is as it is not working for him or those paying for his provision!

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PolterGoose · 03/03/2013 23:25

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coff33pot · 03/03/2013 23:44

Best of luck! And I hope you manage to stay errrrr nice! Grin

PolterGoose · 04/03/2013 18:21

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inappropriatelyemployed · 04/03/2013 19:55

Thanks Polter.

Well, I had to stay with DS to get him into class again today. TA was ok but she is full of 'why is he like that' 'he was ok before and the class was noisier with another teacher' blah blah. Well he hasn't been in class so he has nothing to compare it to.

Anyway, I spoke to SENCO on my way out and explained, again, I thought DS needed some time with someone he could trust. No right or wrong. This just hadn't developed the way we hoped.

EP came in but arrived an hour earlier than the time I had been given so had started chatting to TA and DS already. She then repeated TA crap to me.

In meeting, Senco then did the same. Coming up with all excuses for why DS mightn't want to be in class which had nothing to do with the reasons he had written down.

EP was good and suggested we go back to basics and support him in the same way we had when he had started the school. It was agreed that I could stay with him to get him in to class and I told them I was trying to extend the time each time. EP checked school were happy with this.

Of course, no one thanks me although it has played havoc with my working life Hmm Thanking mum is always too much to ask

Maybe it is embarrassing that TA can't do this and mum has to and no one wants to say anything.

It was all rather rushed in the end but SENCO and EP stayed to chat.

Don't get me wrong. School are very open and helpful but they don't like resolving the TA issue and I can't help thinking having someone who really understands him would help alot.

The TA is not bad - she is just not right for him.

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coff33pot · 04/03/2013 22:23

Yes she may be lovely and a good TA but not right for him. SHE should by now know WHY he is "like that" seeing as they have been together long enough now to have worked up some sort of relationship. A good TA would make it her mission to find out why.

Not saying that our kids our easy or predictable because they are not lol but something has obviously triggered this classroom anxiety again?

Back tracking and going back to basics is a good idea. Do you think maybe she pushed things to fast for him?

I know DS old school did admit once that they tried to run before he was prepared to walk....

inappropriatelyemployed · 04/03/2013 22:36

I think he ended up in a class expecting to be 'normal'and treated as 'normal' despite what I suggested.

It was the coincidence of TA with new teacher over the last two terms.

it is frustrating that they can't explore what it could be. They even started throwing up the attendance of an ABA therapist 5 weeks ago who tried to get him to go into class - something he did on the direction of TA/teacher. Hmm

As long as we are moving forward, but it is me picking up the pieces. I shall just have to ensure it is an opportunity to hammer home at the AR that this shows the importance of keeping the framework of support in place even when things are 'going well'.

I am exhausted now. It has meant late night working every day since last Tuesday - I work for myself at home but have had meetings at school and all this bother

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PolterGoose · 04/03/2013 23:01

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coff33pot · 04/03/2013 23:10

I bet you are exhausted! Its not just tiredness from working late its having your mind doing overtime with its train of thought too!

Yes it is you picking up the pieces and I guess the TA and teacher will be happy for you to keep on doing their job and encouraging ds to go into class....

What has got me thinking is if the reason the anxiety has increased is not solved then no amount of you taking him in is going to improve matters?

Sorry I know its late and I am not trying to give you more to think about x

bochead · 04/03/2013 23:14

Honking for you.

It's such a delicate balance between trying to get the right people to own the right actions and not letting our children slip through the cracks when they don't. As you say we end up mopping up the mess.

inappropriatelyemployed · 04/03/2013 23:29

Thanks guys.

At the moment, I think I am mad, doing the TA's job while listening to her tell people she doesn't know what the problem is.

I feel like saying stuff it, sort yourselves out and then he'll come back in.

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bochead · 05/03/2013 00:06

What would happen if you did?

Not a trick question - just wondering if the TA could rise to the occasion if she REALLY had to or if your DS would wind up suffering long term? Currently she knows you are there to catch her, even if noone says it out loud.

How would your DS respond to a countdown calender to a date when you will not be in the classroom with him each morning (perhaps reduce it by 10 mins a day till you can leave him at the door?) What plan is in place to fade your classroom presence out?

I think I'm gonna experiment with adjusting the balance of responsibilities & expectations a little myself. (In my case I really think 3 years out of work is proof enough I've been willing to accept my responsibilities in supporting school and that now it's time to adjust the balance somewhat).

inappropriatelyemployed · 05/03/2013 01:14

Thanks Bocheas. Well there is no plan as far as I know unless I invent one.

I think setting a time when I aim not to be in class is a good start.

I will try and get him as engaged as possible and gradually build up time. At the moment he manages an hour and then he comes out and he works outside the class with the TA. But he wouldn't go in at all if I didn't persuade him.

Still it's easier to do that and move things on than to watch things go pear shaped,

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StarlightMcKenzie · 05/03/2013 11:01

I used to volunteer with homeless people. One of the first rules we learned when tackling a difficulty was how to recognise that you 'aren't the right person' and back off leaving it to someone else. It's not a pride thing. It isn't because you aren't up to it. It's categorically not about YOU. YOU and your feelings are not in anyway the purpose of the intervention.

I wish that would transfer to other vulnerable groups.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/03/2013 11:04

Why does he have to go in the classroom?

Not saying he doesn't here, just wondering what is in it for him, the TA, you?