Husband with autism can we survive this?

[cansu]

I know this isn't SN children but I couldn't think where to put this and I thought maybe there would be others in my situation here. I have two dc with asd and have suspected my dh had aspergers for a while but t has never been said out loud until today. We have been having difficulties for a while. He won't communicate, gets upset and agitated about change and can't socialise. He also says very hurtful things when crossed and I am worn down coping with my dc and his difficulties. All that said I do care about him and have been struggling over whether to leave. Today I forced the issue and he told me he couldn't communicate, that getting through the working day takes all his energy and that he can't change what he is. I have spent all day in tears and am frankly at the end of my tether.

You may have to accept that he has ASD however, you don't have to live with it. You have enough on your plate without trying to be both people in a marriage. You can only be a parent to your children, you don't have to be a parent to anyone else and it is fine to refuse to be.

Men, autistic or not, are quite straightforward creatures. Can you give him a few clear action points - eg "when I say I need to talk, just listen/nod/hold my hand but don't try and tell me what to do, as I really just need someone to listen while I offload". Worth a try? Do it when you are both calm. He can't change who he is, but he can change how he behaves?

Thank you both. I am in the middle of both these points of view. I would like to think he can change his behaviour. He is very intelligent but seems to have zero empathy. I have been reading posts on other forums telling me just to get out and how things will only get worse. How can I advocate for my dc and then tell my husband I am leaving him because of his condition and how it affects me. This is a nightmare. I had a panic attack again today. I had them when ds was diagnosed and when out for a walk to try and calm down today I started with t again.

Have you been to counselling? It sounds like you need some support here and this could be a helpful option for you both.

It is interesting that you say a walk helped as I really think strenuous exercise helped me - long, fast walks or a swim

Cansu, I think there must be lots of us on here feeling similar , after all it is an inherited condition. I can understand your dilemma re advocating for you're children yet finding you're husband difficult to live with, but you cannot solve all the difficulties your children might face, relationships when adults included.

Take your time, maybe explain you're feelings on paper to him, he probably can make some changes if he has what's needed written down to remind him. As with our kids, his lack of empathy , communication etc is not intentional, however ( and I do speak from experience!) if he really gets how you feel, perhaps he can reserve some energy after his working day for you. You might just need to be tactful and calm and just explain it, give it a bit of time.
Its hard and sometimes lonely, but look at the good in him too and maybe you two can find some middle ground.

In the meantime , do something nice for yourself...we really do deserve it!

The reason you are allowed to leave your husband is that only you can advocate for your children and you cannot do that if your husband is making you miserable.

I am not saying you SHOULD leave your husband, I am saying that you are allowed to.

cansu I have pm'd you!

Thanks Wendy. It hasn't appeared yet!

Flippin hell,I am losing it-I posted that I pm'd you before I typed out the pm. Done now.

You are not alone .

My DS2 & DS3's dad has dxd Autism. He was dxd when he was 12. I didn't find out until I was already in love with him. It HAS caused massive issues in our relationship, we have been on and off and on and off more times than I can count in the last 14 years.

We split up yet again when DS3 was just 4mo. Or rather, after a period of complete meltdown from him, being unable to cope with the changes in our family routine that came from having a new baby, HE walked out and left after leaving me to do absolutely everything for the entire family and house.

We are tentatively trying again, but we have both come to the realisation that we just CANNOT live in the same house.

He now lives in a room in a shared house where everyone living there has Autism. The next door neighbour is a Carer for them. (Not an organised 'home' for adults with Autism, they've just all gravitated there!)

Things work much better for him if he can come round on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday, then get space and his own routines the rest of the time.

It took a MASSIVE shift in me mentally to be able to accept this rather non-traditional family set-up. But as daft as it sounds, for all he has put me through, I still love him. I had a choice - be without him forever, or accept that we will never be able to live together.

We've been trying again since just before Christmas, and it is working OK except when I get PMT, or TNT as he calls it...

I also find it easier to cope with advocating for the DC's when he isn't living here, stressing me out.

He has dyspraxia too, and when he was living here it was like living with a 5th DC!

I too, like Leonie, score very highly on the online AQA test. I score 43 (!). I often joke that in my house, it's the Autistic leading the Autistic...

Dealing with his issues too, on top of my own disabilities (I have epilepsy and arthritis), on top of having 3 DC's with Autism AND physical and medical issues, and my fourth DC probably having Aspergers too, was just too much for one human to cope with.

I find it much easier when I can send him back to his house, ring the Carer, and tell her he's in meltdown again, then leave it and go back to MY problems!!

Merry, Tue/thurs/sun irrationally bothers me, not a symmetrical or 'natural' division of the week . Say Sun/Tue/Thurs and my AQ will be content: normally an alternate day schedule with a fri-sat weekend break

I usually put it like that because 'our' weeks run Mon-Sun, because if his work!

I think you mean Simon not Sacha, Miemohrs (not that I'm a borderline Aspergers pedant myself, ooohh no...)