Husband with autism can we survive this?

[cansu]

I know this isn't SN children but I couldn't think where to put this and I thought maybe there would be others in my situation here. I have two dc with asd and have suspected my dh had aspergers for a while but t has never been said out loud until today. We have been having difficulties for a while. He won't communicate, gets upset and agitated about change and can't socialise. He also says very hurtful things when crossed and I am worn down coping with my dc and his difficulties. All that said I do care about him and have been struggling over whether to leave. Today I forced the issue and he told me he couldn't communicate, that getting through the working day takes all his energy and that he can't change what he is. I have spent all day in tears and am frankly at the end of my tether.

With a score of 43, would it be worth trying to get an adult dx?

Tbh, things ARE working so much better now that I have got my head around the fact that I'll never get that 'wedding day', or the 'happy ever after' of living together like I had dreamed of as a child.

It really was MY issue to get around, and it's working.

I joke that my poor DC's had no chance with our crap genetics.

Hold the hell on - Prof Brian Cox is the bloke from D:Ream?!

REALLY?!

WTF?

Is that true? I never knew that!!

I would guess that if your husband has Aspergers, he would need predictability. If you do need a conversation with him, perhaps you could schedule it. Treat it as a meeting with a beginning and an end time and write down what you would like to talk about (ahead of the "meeting"). Ask your DH to choose a day and time with you.This way he will be able to prepare himself and not "surprised" to do this when he gets back from work and wants to relax. It might be good to not speak just about feelings but also practicalities and also show him what it would bring to him personnaly to talk to you. It might empower him to ask him to remember his childhood because he can relate to your son and therefore can help you support and understand your DS.

Snap here too. DH is very certainly on the spectrum (he has finally accepted himself that he is in fact on the spectrum).
ds2 is being assessed for AS too.

I know what you mean about forums where people just say 'Get out, it will get worse'. Or they go on and on about how their DH has done x or y and how this is so aspie and how on earth would anyone cope with that etc....

The reality is, you can learn to live with someone with AS but I think it really depends how is your DH affected. Some sides of AS/ASD are easier to live with than others and even that depends a lot on your personality.

I think that what helps is you knowing and accepting he has AS. This is probably the hardest bit.
I know that I have never dreamt for the 'perfect' wedding but other things such as the lack of emotional support or his resistance to change (like a new baby that he agreed to have, me starting a new career...) have been much more difficult to deal with.
And then the other big thing that helped a lot is his own recognition of the condition. Because it means he had to accept that his pov wasn't always the 'right' one (aka his difficulty at seeing things from someone else pov).
It requires quite a bit of skills and I think you can only do that when you have enough resources yourself to work at it. Otherwise, you just become a mum to another child in the house. :(

I do get what you are saying about being your dcs advocate and then saying you can't live with their dad... The only thing I can say on that is that this should NOT be a good enough reason for you to stay.
It's just hard.....

Also I have done the test myself and scored very low (about 4 if I remember well....). I have sometimes wondered if the difference hasn't been creating more problems as my needs and expectations re relationship are so different.

http://www.oaasis.co.uk/file.axd?pointerid=6683abe4cd584da3a6e14a1741c068c8&versionid=1756bef889c34dba94456bf1a9471990 resource

resource oops

If anyone is interested, as an NT partner of someone diagnosed with AS, I really feel there's a need for a site specific website to give support for us. I posted this (below) today and hope that people will come back to me with ideas so that we can create this. Discussion threads are great - but I know I needed more interaction with people who would really understand (as most of you clearly do!) what I was going through :)

Hi. After many, many years of mutual misunderstandings and miscommunication and near divorce, my husband was diagnosed early this year with Asperger's Syndrome.

In the interim years leading up to diagnosis we (well … I) almost gave up several times. Talking to close friends didn't work. Traditional marriage guidance counselling didn't work. The never-ending circle of endless arguments around the same issues led me to lose my self-confidence, I suffered from depression and severe loneliness. I turned to the internet to try and find others in the same situation, someone to understand and talk to.

Whilst I did manage to find some discussion threads on a few different websites, they were hard to navigate back to and many were very negative. We were put on a waiting list for diagnosis in Exeter. After six months we were told the waiting list was TWO YEARS! I decided that, particularly in the early stages of suspecting your partner has AS and in the lead up to diagnosis as well as afterwards, the greatest support I could have would be connecting with others in the same situation. There seems to be plenty of support for people on the autism spectrum (which is GREAT!) but little to none for their partners.

I believe a website that is JUST for NT partners is what is needed.

I recently received some money which will enable me to set up just such a website. I want it to provide discussion groups, support networks, recommended reading, personal testimonies, a 'what works' and 'what doesn't' page (I have a few!), names of AS specific counsellors.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on the site, whether you think there is a need for it, what should be on it etc. It's early days in the design but it would be great to have input from people who might use it once it's up and running.

Thanks so much :)

Hi Joanna.Here is the link to the support thread for all of us with husbands with AS here

Yay,Finally ..Come on over and I will see you there in a mo.

Aha! Thank you so much Aprillisa!