...to be living in constant fear for our lives all the time? (bit long)

[marjproops]

Nearly namechanged but Ive spoken a bit before about this. DC and I are both victims of severe abuse, Ive been assaulted/raped/you name it its happened. We are on our all the time, I get NO help whatsover from ANYONE for anything. couple of GPs have written to SS and council but thats it, social services do FA, as has a social worker, counselling doesnt help etc etc. as for the police....well.

Remember Fiona Pilkington? she was a mother and carer, and targetted ,and no one would listen to her or take her seriously so she ended up taking her daughters and her lives. and what did the police say on the news? the usual ''oh we were looking into it, there will be a full investigation'' etc etc. nothing. nothing was done to help them. I even sent that story to SS only to be told theyd take my child away from me.thats how targetted WE are. ALL the time.

I'm the most down to earth common sense person EVER so for me to be at my wits end takes a lot.

New neighbours moved in next door last night...at 11.45PM. doesnt that sound dodgy? well they look dodgy. and as usual Im the only person in street that hears these things. If i phoned 101 like I did before about something similar, they just told me to 'log it'.

yet if anyone DID go round i just kNOW theyd find out it was me. It happened once before, diff place,and we were almost killed. People KNOW DC and I are on our own, Im not a big muscly person, I try my best to appear confident etc but they can see the fear in my eyes. DC is 12 now and we've had to move so many times (can never be anywhere nice as Im on HB so we get the rough places, even though council has had like a million letters from me and GPs etc), I had a mild heart attack 2 years ago because of thugs targetting us.

I'm completely alone, no partner, no boyf,and they KNOW it. any friends i have all have families and are busy.

The worst time is night. Its so dark and creepy and we're alone and vulnerable.

I was cr**ng myself all night and couldnt sleep watching these people, and yes, there was the smell of pot too wafting over.

Im not living. This is not a life.

I dont know why Im posting this, not for sympathy, just ...I dont know...understanding? empathy? and I bet any welcome advice I get Ive already done. I cant take any more. sorry, its long and pathetic. and self-pitying.

Sorry if there is a backstory I don't know but is it not possible for to find work/get off HB in order to live in a less rough place?

Have you had/can you get counselling for your past traumas? That might help you to be less afraid. It is horrible to be scared in your home, I really feel for you

I just said anxious - not paranoid and neurotic. Anxiety can happen to any one (including myself). It does NOT make you a nutter and medication can help. You can also apply for a move of house if your current home is a LA rental.

I don't think you are helping yourself by knocking on neighbours doors and telling them about your autistic daughter and the need for no noise. Perhaps you need to get to know people first or you might get their backs up.

I am genuinely trying to help.

Marj it's not that we don't believe you - it's just that it sounds as though you have become so anxious because of what's happened in the past that you are struggling to be rational about the future. That doesn't make you mad - just stressed. And with good cause by the sounds of things.

The reason people are assuming that is because your OP said that you were frightened of the neighbours but reluctant to call the police, yet you have no substantive reason to be afraid. I can totally understand that you are paranoid, with everything you have been to, but it is paranoia.

I think the best thing you could do is to get some psychotherapy - it's more in depth than just counselling and will deal with the demons left on your shoulders from your bastard ex.

I say this as someone else who believes she is intrinsically ugly and not worthy of anything - relationship, friends, love etc....

I say this as someone 10 years post-abuse who is only just thinking of going to therapy.

Don't waste a decade like I have...... start living happily and in the knowledge that you are safe - does your ex know where you are? is there any real threat to your safety? Have the neighbours / people around you ever done anything, or is it all implied / you thinking it will happen as soon as they know xyz about you?

Please, seek some real life theraputic support - it will be really tough, but it will help.

Ive had SWs coming round, they go away, write their reports, dont get back to me so Im chasing them up (and yes I know were not the only social cases around), and no, the js investigation has opened up a real can of worms.

Even people speaking up about that have all said they werent listened to or taken seriously.

I WOULD feel less anxious if I had SOMEONE I could call on, someone who could stay with us sometimes, but seriously, theres No one, no family, no care workers.

And I know I sound completely bonkers waving to an invisible person and pretending etc but It makes me feel a BIT safer if I say I at least have someone, and that DC and I dont live on our own. I cant expect anyone to understand that, it does sound batty, but it sort of has worked a bit in the past.

I agree that you sound extremely anxious. Have you ever spoken to your GP about that specifically? Most people are not frightened of all their neighbours. I find your OP very worrying tbh. How old is dd?

Marj tell us what has happened so far for you with outside agencies, your GP, your DDs school, SS, etc. If you have had to move house in the past because of victimisation and abuse then that is recorded somewhere, yes?

When you say you have both been abused, do you mean by neighbours? Is that the problem - that you have had such bad history with neighbours that you are automatically frightened?

i don't live in social housing and i was targeted from when i was alone with my daughter (then fourteen), and sometimes more recently now that i live alone. i know what it is like.

anyone who asks 'why?' doesn't understand the situation. thuggish people target the vulnerable. a woman and child without male support, or an old woman living alone, make great targets.

making the o p think she's being over-anxious doesn't help either.

so what does?

got to be practical.

op, make your house as secure as you can. close windows, lock doors and ignore whatever happens outside until the point where you would be justified in calling the police - say, if people were banging on your windows.
for now, be the neighbour that 'doesn't notice'. that's what your other neighbours are doing, for self-protection.

don't get wound up by what you hear, smell, see. don't look. go to bed early. when you go out in daylight hours, plan routes or get taxis. always be pleasant and polite no matter what the neighbours say.

try to look as smart as you can whenever you can be seen by the neighbours. you look less of a victim if your hair is brushed and jacket fastened.

write up one long account of everything that has happened while you live where you live now.
write up another, separate sheet, bullet points, of your daughter's and your physical and mental health issues, including medication and periods in hospital.
write up another separate sheet about where you have lived in the past, what has happened and why you have had to move on.
write yet another sheet (i have a reason for this!) about what you need - somewhere quiet, with support services nearby, the kind of accommodation...

print off copies and post with a letter saying you need help and in three lines saying exactly what help you need, to the gp, social services, definitely to your community police officer (with a note saying 'don't come round to the house, make an appointment and i'll come to you) and any other body you have been or would like to be involved with. make a note of the date of posting. you might want to send copies to family members, and ask them to file them for reference, just in case anything bad happens. it will also alert them to your situation.

if you don't hear from any of the authorities, a fortnight later, post the whole lot again. if the police turn up at your door, and the neighbours seem bothered, tell them that community police have to keep an eye on anyone with a disability and make these visits when they have time.

you are very stressed and rightly so. but the stress makes the events feel worse. if you can cut down on the stress, the events are less painful.

i am not telling you that you have nothing to worry about or that i think you are over-reacting. as i say, i've been there and i know what people can be like.

self defence, op. look as if you're coping. be very practical about your requests for help. don't antagonise the neighbours. keep calm and plan your way out. you haven't got a team on your side but you have you, and your dd, and your love for each other, and your determination. believe in yourself. twelve years you've hung on. that means you've succeeded, many battles have been fought and won. this is just another. keep going. good luck.

To be fair to marj I think if you live on some hell-hole estate surrounded by fucking eejits who think it's funny to threaten and abuse you because you are disabled or an ethnic minority or whatever else, you don't need to be mentally ill to become frightened and anxious.

The thing is marj at some point that life of isolation and fear can tip a previously perfectly sane and lucid person over the edge, and suddenly you can't see the wood for the trees. People just want to be sure that you have not become so unhappy that you are, in fact, ill. That's all. It's not an accusation. They just want to direct you to the right sort of help.

What about groups in the area you could join such as Gingerbread? I am thinking that it might help you to make friends and have someone to talk to about all this. The also might be support agencies for people and children who have suffered sexual abuse in your area.

Have you spoken to your GP about this? If not you do need to..

Being anxious doesn't mean you are "mental", there is no shame in having high anxiety, especially due to what you have both been through.

Does your area have a local group of National Autistic Society? If they do then do reach out to them, I find my local group such a nice source of support and company. May be worth looking into?

I dont tell neighbours straight away about DCs meltdowns but we had someone ring police once when they heard DC screaming , thinking I was abusing her or something, thats why id rather say 1st, but i do try and get to know them a bit before jumping in.

Im sorry, I really am sounding bonkers. Its horrible to be like this, I homeschool DC as no schools can cope with her needs (and theyve tried). The homeschooling is a huge weight off my back, and she does really well with it, and it gives me something concretet to do too, I cant EVER go out and get a job, she needs lifelong care and Im her lifelong carer so no hope whatsoever of ever being able to buy a decent place in a decent area.

Ive had it up to my eyes with housing people and stuff..thing is. if they dont actually live with you they just dont get it do they?

Have you thought of moving to somewhere with support? So you aren't alone?
Only it sounds like you have moved a lot and the problems have still followed you.
I lived in a rough areas, some of the neighbours looked 'rough' but when I actually spoke to them they were lovely in their own way.
I decided I wanted ton move somewhere decent so I saved up for a few months til I had enough for a deposit and now I private rent in a lovely village. My HB doesn't quite cover the rent but I still manage to run my car and save money at the end of each month.
It is doable.

Have you looked inot getting her a place at a special school?

I know you love her and want to do everything for her yourself, to protect her, but it isn't really healthy for you or her to hole yourselves up and see no-one else. She needs to mix with other people. And so do you.

Don't you get DLA then if you can't work?
It's usually a reasonable amount to cover the bills. You haven't got all the extra costs like school run, school uniform, dinners, trips etc.

I also understand the fear of being targeted. I too live alone with an autistic child and we HAVE been targeted in the past, that's why I moved. However for now you new neighbours haven't done anything.

andtheycallit's post is a good action plan. I did very similar before I moved. It seems like a lot to do but it's so worth it.

Another thing to look into is whether there is any funding for securing your house. Your HV/SW/ local police will know. I got additional door and window locks and alarms fitted for free. Local fire service can also fit free smoke alarms and CO alarms.

I don't know where you live OP but there are some good specialist ASD schools round here (NW) who are able to help more challenging children who aren't suitable for mainstream.

andtheycallitbunnylove-thank you, I have been doing that but Ive been accused of making half of it up. thank you though and i still write things down.

fellacionelson-thank you.

and to all of you for your support, wish you could be here in the flesh to hold our hands.

And yes, without trying to sound heroic or martyr, i put up with it all for DCs sake, trying to protect her as much as I can while I can.

Marj can I suggest you ask MNHQ to move this thread to Children with SNs? Or to MH? I know you say it's not a MH issue, but it sort of is, or at least it will be, if you don't get some proper support soon.

I know it's not likely to turn into an AIBU bunfight by leaving it here, but I just think the advice on one of those forums might come from a place of experience. You sound as though you need to hook up with some local mums with similar issues, so you can thrash out your feelings with people who understand.

May I ask where about you live? there may be some of us near you or k know some groups etc.

hAppynewmind-thank you.

Its the thing that everyone else seems to have SOMEONE to help, a partner/husband/boyf/paerent/other family/SW. we really are alone and DC is a fulltime job as well as having to deal with everything else.

BTW, I DO take DC out, she has a decent social life, has friends, I dont want to go out anywhere, Im a recluse, but I do for her sake. and Im not trying to inflict any issues on her, we are after all family so some things will be the same in each of us. I try my best not to show my fear in front of her, when she goes to bed thats when it really kicks in.

and no, school is not an option and Im happy to homeschool, thats been a HUGE boulder lifted off so one thing was sorted at least.

How do I move this to special needs etc? where do I ask MNHQ?

Fairyjen we are looking to move out (hope not from the frying pan into the fire again) so will be hopefully moving area. Thanx. I did go on search engine for local mns but no one got back to me!