love and relationships for our children on the autistic spectrum.

[HecatePropylaea]

My eldest is showing interest in girls. He's 13. It's only now that I am starting to look at the future re relationships and I am overwhelmed by sadness because I'm afraid that nobody will want him. I know he's what they call 'weird', beeping and stimming and funny laughter and all that, but he's a loving, gentle, kind person who deserves to be loved. He already feels so alone, lonely and isolated and as he sees the other kids starting to form their first innocent relationships, it's yet another thing that's got no place in it for him and it breaks my heart. The thought of him being alone his whole life makes me cry.

I know it's early, I am not saying I would want him to be having a 'girlfriend' yet, but what if that's NEVER in his life?

Do you have older children on the spectrum who have found someone who loves them? Or know of anyone?

I've even been searching the net for dating sites that focus on people with ASD but they all seem to be geared towards the more high functioning.

I just don't want my kids to be alone, you know? I don't care if they never pass an exam, don't care if they can't work, I just want someone to look at them and go you know what, you're wonderful and I love you.

years back, I knew an older teen with SN (I think with MLD) who met a boyfriend at the college they both went to (for adults with SN). I don't want to sound sacharine, or Mary Poppins, but I think it won't be easy but there is every chance that he will have a girlfriend in future.

Does he stim? do the odd laugh? display typically autistic behaviour?

(please say yes, it'll give me hope!)

Have heard of people with autism forming amazing connections with others who have it so I think you shouldn't assume he will never meet anyone later.

I sympathise, I feel sad for my DD about this but she is low functioning.

I hope so, Light. He is such a lovely person, you know? Well, you do and he deserves to be loved.

so does my younger son, but it's my older one who's discovered girls so it's him I'm focusing on!

yes I do quite agree, he is a lovely kid.

There was a TV programme on recently with young people with autism on..one guy had quite marked traits but was sweet and lovely, he had a GF with HFA who adored him and kept telling him he was gorgeous.

but you love him. Because you see the person that he is?

That's what I want for my kids. Someone who looks past the funny noises and the repeated questions and phrases and the obsessions and sees the heart of them.

If you ever want to trade him in for a younger model, I will have one available in 10-12 years

I missed that, fanjo. I wish I'd seen it.

I just need to know there might be someone out there who'll love him.

I feel a bit reassured already!

Yes I feel similar Hec.

DS is 14 - all his friends are obsessed with sex, talking about it, eyeing up girls, starting to have relationships - they are like a more hormone crazed version of the Inbetweeners.

My primary worry for DS at the moment - and I feel awful for saying it - is that maybe I haven't done enough to equip him for the teen years, and that his lack of social understanding combined with his growing sexual urges could put him and some poor girl in a really horrible situation. I can't even bear to put it properly into words.

I think that there are lots of adults who never find someone to love / be loved by, so having ASD is perhaps not so different in that respect. For DS I think the difference between finding someone or not will be the defining feature as to whether he will be able to live "independently" as opposed to in supported living.

DS2 is not dx'd but i think he's definitely on the spectrum - he's in his late 20s now

he's really struggled with all sorts of friendships and sexual relationships.

he's battled drug addiction, spending addiction, debt, gambled, lied, really looked as though his life was forever going to be alongside DH, DD and I, at home

he fell in love with a woman who had been dumped by her DP at 3 mths pregnant and wanted to be a 'dad' to her baby - just as the baby arrived the exDP joined them and DS was dumped. he really sank to a new low after that, eat far too much, wouldn't go out, he was in a very bad place.

he's lost jobs, he's lost friends (such as they were)

now the happy bit

he's now got a brilliant job - working with vulnerable children. the professional support he's received while working here has quite literally turned his life around.

he's got a steady relationship, is a DF himself and even moved out!

hope this gives you hope, i can hardly believe myself what a brilliant human being he's turned out to be

I will try and find out what it was and if it is available online

Sorry I went off on a tangent about DS - DH is on the spectrum as is FIL. I love DH for who he is, (and often in spite of who he is ).

I accept that others find him tricky / rude / anti-social / monotonous / boring at times. At the heart of him is a lovely, clever, brilliant, generous, loyal, dependable man.

That said, I think I read too much Jilly Cooper as a teen, so was attracted to this aloof, arrogant man that no-one could tame

here is the programme

I worry about DS2 who is also 13. He has no interest in girls ATM, or friends of any sort. He is HF, but flaps, spins, has a high pitched voice. He is in MS school and the 13 yo girls will mother him, but certainly aren't attracted to him! It's a shame, because he is beautiful, my best looking boy and the least one likely to have a girlfriend.

I wonder whether SS would have been a better place to meet somebody?

What will happen with your DS at 6th form/college age? Is there a local college that does life skills courses or some such thing? Would that be the place to find a girlfriend?

I had a look round a house recently. The woman seemed to 'get' Ds. It was a relief because it meant he was 'parked' whilst we looked around the house.

It was only after a WHOLE DAY that I recalled being introduced to her DH in a 'there he is' way, rather than 'I'd like you to meet' way. He kept a chair with him, his laptop and earphones in and tended to just move rooms with it all if we ever wanted to look at the one he was in once or for another glance.

I'd say, on reflection he was probably not so HF, though not actually ever having 'met' him it woukd be hard to say.

My BiL has Aspergers (diagnosed in his 40s). He has been married for 20 years now, and has 2 children. My SiL was his first 'serious' girlfriend. They met at work and she asked him out (good job too, as he would be totally unable to make the first move - nothing to do with Aspergers as dh is exactly the same).

I won't say that he's exactly easy to live with, or that there are many women who could make a good marriage with him (I certainly couldn't) but my SiL seems pretty happy. From her description, her own father may also be on the spectrum so I guess that BiL's manner (super-brusk to the point of rudeness at times) and his need for things to be just so probably seemed familiar to her from the get go. His diagnosis helped both of them - they had some tough times after emigrating and it kind of explained why he found it all so difficult.

He is a great uncle and BiL.

DS is 13 and although he doesn't stim or have obvious ASD traits, he does have quite severe needs and is at a residential special school for AS. He's been interested in girls for some time, and I know there are the odd 'relationships' between some of the older students there, so he's seen it happen, and I know the staff there deal with it appropriately.

I think it will take a long time before DS is ready to strike out in the world of relationships though, perhaps when he goes into post-16 and does a college placement (where there will be more girls to meet - not many in his current school).

I think DS would be a good boyfriend, he's fun to be with and has a great sense of humour. I do worry about how he'd deal with a more serious relationship in the future though - he's not good at talking about feelings or seeing things from others' point of view (as you'd imagine - but he gets SALT input to try and help with that). And he needs time to be in his own world sometimes. I think I'd need to support him when he meets someone he's serious about, and hope she is committed enough to want to learn about his ASD and how to support him with it.

Meant to post earlier but got sidetracked .....
I have been with dh for 20yrs - he finds social situations difficult has had the same friends since school. Like most men he needs to be told what to do, when we first met he was incredibly rude and stand-offish - was defo in the nerdy smart group at school, he hates changing jobs. Now I'm not saying he's spectrum, all I can say is that there are some traits there that lend sympathy to the spectrum.

As I've said we've been together happily (ups and downs obviously) for 20yrs - I am the exact opposite of him I'll always be at the centre of what's going on, I am the one who speaks to professionals, call centres etc etc, I organise and generally keep the momentum going in our lives.

But I have a fantastic loyal husband who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread and hes a great dad, I am not meant to be with anyone else. Over the years I've realised that those traits that I've described are attractive to me, those quiet types that arent very social - I'm in there digging away and winning them over - says a lot for my need to be liked

I just always thought my ds 8 ASD would probably meet a me in 20yrs - then the shit will truly hit the fan because I'll be presented with a younger version of me and by god there will be fireworks
There are plenty of Frizz-clones about - they'll find your dc's

My Fil is probably autistic and has been married over 40yrs. Most people look quite dazed when they meet him for the first time and he does struggle with life but we don't think there's any point telling him our theory (listening not a strong point.)
It's not been the easiest marriage but MIL is pretty deaf and has the ability to recede into books and seems to like letting him feel in charge, she is v clever but no gumption.
And they have raised 2 v nice NT sons (well, DH is def NT anyway, can't speak for BiL!)

A good movie for relationship/independence hope (Aspergers anyway) is called 'Adam.'

Thanks folks. Hopeful reading and much appreciated.

DSS doesn't have a diagnosis but is on the spectrum IMO. He stims, makes odd noises, he's awful in social situations, He struggled at school & eventually ended up in a residential school eventually because of his LDs & behaviour. He's 32 now.
His much younger sister DD does have a diagnosis of severe ASD & they are quite similar sometimes so I'd say there is a large chance he's on the spectrum somewhere.

Anyway, he's getting married next year. He met up with someone he went school with through facebook & they get on great. She's got a couple of children that he is fantastic with, they make a lovely wee family. She really seems lovely & seems to understand him quite well. I'm so happy for them

Sorry, that was probably quite garbled but I'm in a hurry but wanted to post