love and relationships for our children on the autistic spectrum.

[HecatePropylaea]

My eldest is showing interest in girls. He's 13. It's only now that I am starting to look at the future re relationships and I am overwhelmed by sadness because I'm afraid that nobody will want him. I know he's what they call 'weird', beeping and stimming and funny laughter and all that, but he's a loving, gentle, kind person who deserves to be loved. He already feels so alone, lonely and isolated and as he sees the other kids starting to form their first innocent relationships, it's yet another thing that's got no place in it for him and it breaks my heart. The thought of him being alone his whole life makes me cry.

I know it's early, I am not saying I would want him to be having a 'girlfriend' yet, but what if that's NEVER in his life?

Do you have older children on the spectrum who have found someone who loves them? Or know of anyone?

I've even been searching the net for dating sites that focus on people with ASD but they all seem to be geared towards the more high functioning.

I just don't want my kids to be alone, you know? I don't care if they never pass an exam, don't care if they can't work, I just want someone to look at them and go you know what, you're wonderful and I love you.

I think that the fact that people on the spectrum dislike change means that they are likely to bond with someone who has similar traits to someone who has nurtured them thereby more likely to be gentle, supportive and sympathetic, and once they have met that person then they are likely to stay with them for life.

Thinking of some of the recurring issues on the Relationships threads - out drinking while their DP is at home looking after the DCs; visiting lap-dancing clubs; lying and cheating - it doesn't fit with the ASD profile (big generalisation here but I'm sure it will ring bells to most of us) they are not usually super sociable, they cannot lie, and they like their routine.

So from that POV an autistic partner is better than a lot of the feckless knob-jockeys that we hear about who manage to find some poor women to take them into their lives.

DameEnid - you've highlighted a major factor in the minefield of relationships for (at least) my DS

he doesn't understand when someone ELSE breaks the 'rules' - it's been different when it's come down to his his integrity, but i have put a lot of that down to immaturity and general confusion.

he is stoically loyal and extremely protective of those he has a bond with

We're both autistic and married 25 years next year. Neither of us are at the mild end. If that helps.

My DB is hf and has had a girlfriend (not his first either) for the past five years.

I would say his asd is quite obvious tbh, he doesn't pass as just a bit quirky. I think like most areas of his life it happened later than his peers (think he was around 22/23 years old when he had his first girlfriend)

Interestingly none of his girlfriends have been on the spectrum (if that's relevant)

Amberlight! How are you?

Alright thanks :-) Still alive and kicking. And working with any number of national organisations now on autism, which is nifty and an honour.

Hecate other thing to remember is that lots of people are late developers, and don't form relationships until they are much older, although they are interested from the usual age. Teens can be a time of isolation in that sense but it doesn't mean that later on someone who is socially v awkward won't find their soulmate. I think a lot of ASD is that your emotional development is slower, even though your sexual development is the same as everyone else. Loads of people have to deal with this, not just ASD people. Both my sons love girls but I can see that the NT one is going to have just as many problems being brave enough to speak to one, as the ASD one is going to have learning NOT to speak to one, except at right times
I think we all assume people have girlfriends/boyfriends at 14; I was 19 before first person took an interest in me, and Dh was in his 20's before he clicked with anyone (not me incidentally)

Yep, my NT DH was 21 when he met me and I was his first gf. He has a knack of making himself invisible when anxious, hangover from having such an odd dad. I spotted him though.
On subject of being unable to lie, my 7yr old Aspie swears he was abducted by aliens the other night.

Margot - yes DS will have a meltdown if someone doesn't follow the normal rules as he completely cannot understand it - that is hard enough let alone in the context of a relationship where deceit, betrayal etc can lead to the end of a relationship / family breakdown / house move etc etc