Outed on second day of juniors

[SilkStalkings]

Please help me draft an email to the head of DS1's (7) new school. Something on the lines of:
"I was shocked and dismayed to hear from my year 5 DD and her friends that they had had an assembly about special needs and 'different boundaries' in which the names of the 4 kids on the autistic spectrum in the new Year 3 were read out." Might as well have stuck up posters of them on the walls with 'Watch out, autistic' printed across them . I can see the school were trying to be helpful but how about a lecture on how these conditions can be hidden and how they should be nice to everyone anyway?

Managed to deflect the conversation and have a word with DD & friends later, how DS1 doesn't really think he has any special needs so not to mention it.

But am fuming. I have written on all his paperwork that he doesn't know he has Asperger Syndrome - he doesn't know but he's not so oblivious that he won't be concerned/worried/hurt if kids start bouncing up to him, saying teachers have talked about him and telling him he has special needs. I have been gradually introducing the concept of autism and Aspergers in the hope that he will make the connection himself but TBH he is pretty mild these days (DD has identified her BF as Aspie but not her own bro!) and does not associate himself with the other 3 kids mentioned. I'm going to have to speed up the process before some probably-well-meaning kid drops a clanger, aren't I?

What a nightmare silk, I am really surprised that someone thought it was ok to name the children with ASD in assembly

I told Dd3[9] about her dx over the holiday, she has aspergers, I wanted to do some day trips with the support group that I go to but she needed to know why we were going out with the group.

Also her behaviour had been extremely challenging at the beginning of the holiday so I decided that it was as good a time as any to tell her as she couldnt really be more difficult to handle than she was already!!

I had given up trying to introduce the idea to her as she is unable to apply examples of other peoples issues to herself and needed a proper clear explanation.

I would not have been happy if she had been in the situation that your Ds is in now and am glad that I told her.

They should not have done it without consent from parents first. But I think they probably had good intentions in terms of stopping bullying etc. Children that age will be starting to notice differences.

I would be hopping mad too but my sensible head is telling me that you should use it as an opportunity to explain why there has to be much better communication with you in advance - explain they have now forced you into the situation of having to tell your DS before he hears from another child and that this is something you wished to tell him when he / you were ready.

I would hope they would be mortified about screwing up and be open to the idea that they need to be on the same page as you in future / check stuff with you in advance.

So much as I would like to rant at them, the damage is done now and perhaps you should try and salvage something positive from it - whatever is top of your wish list preferably eg training, more regular communication etc etc.

At the Junior School my DS attended that would have been counter-productive and just encouraged the children to call them names. I am sure it was done with the best of intentions, but it was very misguided.

From first draft:
As I have stated on all the paperwork, DS is not currently aware of his Aspergers Syndrome and does not associate himself with the other 3 mentioned children. His symptoms are relatively mild and AS is actually a different colour on the Spectrum, it is not simply a question of severity levels - he does not have High Functioning Autism. He doesn't particularly feel he has any special needs, even though he was aware he had a different transfer programme to most other children. He may be quite self-absorbed but he is not oblivious so should some probably-well-meaning child bounce up to him saying teachers have talked about him and telling him he has special needs, he may very well be upset. People with AS are very emotionally literate about themselves and have VERY long memories.

Over the last few months I have been gradually making him familiar with Aspergers Syndrome in the hope that he would make the connection himself. However in the light of this assembly I feel I am now forced to step up this process.

After the excellent transfer programme from the infant school, I am really shocked at this well-intentioned but very insensitive attempt which at the end of the day is 'outing.' There may as well be posters of the children on the walls with '"Watch out, autistic" printed across them. As parents, we really should have been consulted about this, I would not have given my consent.

Surely it would have been more beneficial to talk about how many special needs and disabilities are hidden, how some people are more sensitive than others and how important it is to be nice to everyone because everyone reacts differently. If examples/illustrations were needed, there are plenty of useful videos on Youtube (there's a great episode of the cartoon 'Arthur' about Asperger Syndrome for example) or get an adult who is on the spectrum in to talk (County Autistic Society is based round the corner). If you'd really like to make a difference and make tolerance a default setting in the pupils, why not plan disability and diversity into a topic or a theme day, especially given the popularity of the Paralympics this year?

That is a great letter.

I cannot believe they have done this. I am really shocked. What an appalling breach of confidentiality.

I would be annoyed too tbh. We have only just told ds his dx and he doesn't want any of the children at school to know. He has been called 'spas' and 'retard' in the past and something like this would just invite bullying. for you and ds. I expect the staff were just being very thoughtless though.

People with AS are very emotionally literate about themselves and have VERY long memories and in the case of my DS could bear a grudge for Britain. He is only just coming to terms with what happened to him at Junior School and he is 17.

amd for you, Silk.

I refused a place for my DS at an ASD Resourced Provision because the teachers at the school took this approach. They felt if it was all 'out in the open', there wouldn't be any reason for kids to bully others .

Unfortunately, the anecdotal evidence suggested the opposite was true.

Tony Attwood has some good advice for how to tell a child about the diagnosis. His approach is to be totally positive-'It's great news, son-you've got Asperger's! Yay!'. A friend of mine held a party for her DS and invited all her friends and family to come and celebrate. Her DS is now 15 and very comfortable with his Dx.

My DS was aware of all the hospital visits, and wondered why his brothers didn't have to do them. Whne we got the Dx we told him it was good news because he has a 'special brain'. We still talk about how his 'special brain' is affecting him, and this leads on to discussions about how he can overcome some of his difficulties. He is becomming quite good at spotting others with a special brain now!

I would take out the bit about outing and the poster.
Although I'm sure lots of others won't agree.
Buts its day 1. You have to get along with these people for 4 years.
Its the sort of thing I would write and my DH would then edit out as being too emotional and outraged. And he's usually right once the red mist has cleared.
Outrage does not get you anywhere except a label of difficult / unreasonable. If they are not suitably sorry then i think outrage is fine but give them a chance to be sorry first. 4 years is a long time to have a HT who feels humiliated by you.

Thanks Agnes I probably will amend that bit. DH wanted me to include Hairy Biker Si King's anecdote about his HT announcing in the school lunchroom that Si was on a diet and nobody was to pass him any of their lunches. I felt this detracted from the serious tone of my email.
I will probably end it by asking her to address the staff (esp the one who led the assembly) about it and use it as a cautionary tale so it doesn't happen again next year.

Wow. I'd be ranting too. They have not only taken it out of your hands but also taken the choice away from you DS.

I would second what Agnes said about the outing and poster. I think your letter is very controlled and balanced without it.

re hairy biker
I think without those bits the letter reads better
You keep the moral high ground.
If they don't apologise big time then you can give them both barrels.

Ambitious about autism have launched some resources for schools about 'difference'. Apparently they have sent them to every school this week - you can download them from the website.

One vital word is missing IMO-confidentiality!

Even if your DS knew, it is not the business of the other children!

Yes, confidentiality is a good word to use somewhere.

and breach.

They will be if they think about it for a second.

I feel for you, it is not a good start to the year, really hope you find a way to resolve it - though it is a case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted really. Your letter is good.

My ds has not had dx, but after watching a programme on newsround with his sister she turned round to him and said "you've got autism", because my dear mother had told one of her friends this in front of dd - this all happened at a friend's house. I didn't know how to handle it, still angry with my mother, but I just feel like my Mum was almost attention seeking or something by saying it.

Popped in to the office first thing to make sure the message had got through in case there was another such assembly planned today for a different year group. Secretary was going to run and catch deputy head to make sure. HT not in today but office staff had sent it to her home address and cc'd SENCO (as per my email) and seemed suitably horrified.
Also told one of the mums in question who happens to be seeing another of them today so no doubt a shitstorm is on its way this afternoon .

Glad the office staff consider it serious enough to send it to HT at home.

Yes, the minute they read out those names they broke confidentiality and placed themselves in a dreadful spot. Not clever at all.