I'm a shit mum

[DozyDuck]

I am there's no other way about it. Autism or not I'm totally shit and I can't control my own child.

He wants to hurt people, he likes it, he asks to hurt them, he pulls my hair till he rips it out of my head, he kicks any child that comes within kicking distance, pulls their hair, Pokes their eyes, bites, punches, everything. I have tried absolutely everything.

No other child at his school or at group acts like him. It must be me.

No of course it is not you

No other child at his school or group probably has HIS particular brand of autism, they are all different.

So what's going to happen then? Do I just sit here and watch him get more and more violent till they lock him up somewhere and he has no life?

I can't offer any help or advice. Just want to ask, ready fro when someone more knowledgable comes along, how old is he?

Do the teachers find he is the same when you are not there?

Can they manage his behaviour?

No, I think you should be getting more support with this than you clearly are. Can you talk to school about it?

Have you tried ABA?

I have 3 children, one with autism, and can assure you its the autism, not you.

Getting someone with proper ABA behavioural training to train us has been the key.

It's not you, and it's not him either. It's the autism and it CAN be controlled but you need training in how. Unfortunately there is very little of this available outside of the private sector though.

Yeah I'd try ABA if I had any money at all.

He goes to a specialist behaviour school and needs 2:1 because of his behaviour. They can't control it, I can't control it.

I've tried everything, I've done everything 'they' have suggested. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be here to see what will happen to my lovely little boy.

He's 6

Okay. What 'provision' do you get? Respite? Training? SALT? OT?

Is your LA a pathfinder?

Have you had a SS assessment? A carers assessment? Do you get DLA?

We get DLA, had an SS assessment but were told as its a loving home they could only refer us on.

Referred us on, brilliant outreach, finding has gone now so they've gone.

No respite- child too high risk.

Nothing else. It's just me and him.

I have no friends left, I can't go out or do anything so they have disappeared over the years.

I have a bf, hardly ever see him as he has young children and DS pushed them etc.

No salt, no ot - behaviour too bad.

Phoned GP, he asked if I felt I would harm DS, I said no I couldn't even imagine it, he said I wasn't depressed it was a natural reaction,
Nothing more they can do.

I don't see any other parents at school the kids are all transported by taxi apart from DS who is too high risk.

Residential school is just what I'm feeling sick about. Him being taken away somewhere because of his behaviour. It makes me feel sick enough that could happen to him as an adult never mind a small child. I never want to live to see that.

Get an ABA consultant to see you and your DS and assess if they can help. Usually they see you initially for free.
If yes, apply for a reassessment of statement or if near annual review ask for a change to Part 4.
He is already in an expensive placement which is not working for him - and more importantly not working for you at home / in community. There are good reasons to try something else

He needs a programme which is year round and crosses school and home.
ABA or indep school is hard to get but not always when a child is costing a lot of money already - and 2:1 for a 6 year old is at the top end of what 6 year olds would get funded for.
Perhaps start a new thread based on where you live and ask for recommendations for ABA or other schools near you. Is it an ASD specific school? I think 8 is usually the youngest for residential.

When was the SS decision - you need to complain or see a CAB or lawyer (are you entitled to legal aid?) and see if you can challenge it. Assessments are to be based on need not on whats available. Look up Council for Disabled Children website and on it are docs by a barrister Steve Broach called cemented to the floor with law and a legal handbook and talks about social care etc. There is a list of solicitors he recommends at the end.

If you are entitled to legal aid use that to challenge the statement / change the placement and get independent reports to advise you on alternatives.

Try contacting Contact a Family or NAS advice line for free advice.

SS / SALT / OT cannot just not meet need because his behaviour is too difficult.

I don't know anything about medication and 6 is young but perhaps you need to be asking to see a specialist about this.

Its entirely possible 'they' are poorly trained etc and not up to date. None of the local autism 'specialists' did anything positive for my son in 18 months. It was only when we did ABA things turned around. There may be other things than ABA but my experience locally is that the training gap between ABA staff / independent schools and everyone else involved with autism is vast. There is a good chance it is the intervention which is at fault. Not all specialist schools are good

You may just have to stumble through to Sept but once he is back at school get some professional advice and get a plan together. Be realistic it will take time to challenge and fight. Aim that by next summer holiday you will have battled your way to better provision.

You can go on the legal aid website and see if you are entitled.

Do you have a local support group or carers charity?
NAS have a parent to parent support line.

I would contact SS again.

Frankly that is not true that you can't have respite because you are a loving family. We were told we were loving parents but still got some respite, and I know many children who are probably more difficult than your DS who have respite care. It's awful that they told you that

He likes the reaction to hurting people. He doesn't get a reaction from me apart from being removed from the situation into time out which he hates but obviously if he's hitting other children they will cry, which is a noise he loves. The cry is worth the stint in time out. Nothing else bothers him in the slightest.

ABA here is at least 5 grand a year. I have a friend who is starting it and says it is fantastic, but too expensive for me.

DSs school is fantastic and the only one in the area that I found which was any good. No it isn't an autism specialist school, the autism specialist school told me his behaviour was too severe for them to deal with. Besides I wouldn't want him there now anyway after it getting a very bad press recently.

I won't put him in a residential school. It's exactly what I'm scared will happen to him. Exactly what I never want.

It's not like he's set off either, it's constant, its not like he's having violent outbursts (although he has them to) it's just his way, he can be playing nicely and will just reach out and poke you in the eye/ throw a toy/ push you over.

I'm twice as shit as you then.

Of course, we're both talking nonsense. Parenting kids with ASD is hard. It varies from child to child, but everything is so different from that of a neurotypical child. Their need for order, their response to routine and deviations from it, their emotional maturity, their impulse control, the level of provocation required to make them lose it.

Their language may be delayed - both receptive and expressive, so their ability to comprehend the world around them and communicate with it is almost always impaired, resulting in diminished frustration tolerance.

For some kids with ASD, if they do lack empathy or the ability to imagine the consequences of their actions, then they might not realise that they are hurting you. Some might not see a problem with hurting you.

What's more, that toddler like behaviour may be manifest in a 6yo, or a 4'6 8yo. Or a teenager.

See. It's hard. Really hard. Not like parenting typical kids.

Have you considered medication? ds used to be very aggressive but is much less anxious and stressed and also consequently not really aggressive at all since taking risperidone. Ask for referral to psychiatrist with specialism in learning difficulties.

Rewind what you just said about yourself for a start as you are NOT a shit Mum x

Its a bad patch and a long one and you and your son are going through it. It is the Autism that is causing his behaviour not you.

phoned GP, he asked if I felt I would harm DS, I said no I couldn't even imagine it, he said I wasn't depressed it was a natural reaction,
Nothing more they can do.

Never heard such tripe. I wouldnt dream of harming my children but still hit a low. Go and see another GP, make an appointment if they do it right there is a questionaire they ask you to fill in about feelings.

It the reaction he loves rather than the actual hitting you say. I can understand this as my NT dd when she was small used to poke me and I would say "ouch!" quickly and she would roar with laughter. DS doesnt hit but if he is in the mood he aggrivates his sisters for a response and when he gets it he wont stop. Time outs didnt work for DS either due to the fact that he WANTED time out away from learning and being among crowds and so he would aggrivate till he got the time away that he wanted.

Its very hard for you as children will squeal if they have been hurt. Is there anything else that would bring him satisfaction? like a punch bag that he can hit that you can direct him to. Maybe a tickling fight I play wriggly worms with DS and I pretend to squeal with laughter which he loves the sound of and its another way of getting rid of pent up energy if you see stress building up in them x

Thanks for all your replies.

Medication isn't an option I'm afraid, his dad refuses point blank for him to have any (even though he only has to deal with it once a week) I had to fight him to allow the melatonin and only after he was told by a professional that it was something your body is supposed to produce naturally would he let DS have it.

I think I'm going to give social services another call tomorrow though, I think maybe I was being a little bit brave on front of them last time. I was a teacher before DS had his problems, the house is set up for him, my make up is done and I smile, I'm pretty good at painting on my mask for professionals I think it's time to start being honest and telling them it's hard.

It's the future that's worrying me, what of he's still aggressive as a teenager, adult? What then? Will they lock him up? Will he be able to lead a normal life?

And I do think it's my fault. I am inconsistent sometimes. I'm just tired and walk away and ignore it, or just avoid going out with him so I don't have to deal with it.