I'm a shit mum

[DozyDuck]

I am there's no other way about it. Autism or not I'm totally shit and I can't control my own child.

He wants to hurt people, he likes it, he asks to hurt them, he pulls my hair till he rips it out of my head, he kicks any child that comes within kicking distance, pulls their hair, Pokes their eyes, bites, punches, everything. I have tried absolutely everything.

No other child at his school or at group acts like him. It must be me.

I do the rough play stuff with DS all the time he loves it, we do it on the trampoline he's a lovely little boy when he's lovely I just feel like his future is black and it's scaring me.

We got no support at all from SS until I cried a little, which seemed to open all doors, if they think you are managing they will just let you, so do tell them you are finding things hard.

My ds was just the same and at seven or eight when he hurt more I was just about at breaking point now he's 17 and hasn't hit anyone for years and I'm pretty confident he'll never hurt me again.
Like your ds he loved the crying and the ow! and ouch! and like you I'd give no reaction even when I was bleeding and bruised.
What I also had though was a switch with recordings of crying and ow and ouch and then I set about training him to do more acceptable stuff to get the noise he craved.
Because his favourite mode of attack was to throw at me I put velcro targets on the wall had piles of beanbags which of course he'd throw (didn't hurt as much as what he'd usually throw) and taught him to get the noise he had to throw at the wall.
Once he'd grasped that we worked on the kicking, the punching and pinching and hair pulling by giving him an alternative and him getting a reward for choosing that.
I also realised that many of his attacks were to keep me or anyone else at arm's length or even further away so I made sure I was strictly hands off and always asked permission if I needed to touch him (I still do to this day)
Do you think something similar might be possible with ds?

Insanity what super ideas! I think once he's back in school and I sleep I'll be able to sort these out a bit more. Thank you.

The dla stuff is at the moment what we are using to survive, as with drop off/ pick up/ being called to collect due to fecal smearing, there's no hours I can work, no child care will touch him :( but I'm hoping to sort that out a bit soon,

He does go to RDA riding school but it's 1:1 he has there

Maybe finding him a group will work well, not sure about martial arts though haha! I'll look into it, not sure how many are up here and he's only just learnt how to cycle without stabilisers (through hours and hours of work!)

He is better with older children tbh, it's younger ones/ ones his age he can't stand for some reason. Or maybe it's just that they are at eye level so he pokes them in the eye to stop eye contact? You can't explain to young kids not to look at him, he can't stand it. I don't look him in the face or I get a slap, I didn't even realise I avoided this behaviour until recently tbh, it's just one of those things you unconsciously adapt to.

Just don't tell his dad about the medication. really. At least not until/unless you're certain it works and you're ready for a fight. You're thinking he might need to go to residential age only 6y? surely that's serious enough that meds are worth a try if the dr thinks they might help.

You can sneak it into him without him knowing, and then he doesn't have to lie to his dad. Won't hurt him to miss 1-2 doses now and then either, eg if he's staying at his dad's; they miss that much if they've got a tummy bug and are throwing up.

Plus the statemented provision is clearly rubbish. A special school, with 2:1, that can't cope with smearing? honestly?

I can't go behind his dads back it's not just my choice to make, plus his dad goes to all the appointments. i won't send him to residential age 6 that isn't what I'm thinking sorry, im worried about him as an adult.

The special school is fab. They are trying really hard but they do need to think of the safety of other children and of DS.

Dozy my ds has never been medicated even though the professionals suggested it repeatedly. Every change we've made has been through behavioural strategies and the little boy who was described as having extreme challenging behaviour that had teachers and TA's scared of him is now mostly a pleasure to have about even if he is at times a typical grumpy teen.
Do speak to the school though about the switch and any new strategies because if they also use the same strategy it should be more effective sooner.

Thank you. I really want to change his behaviour without medication, I just want him to have a normal life. I looked at his dad today at pick up and just said 'what am I going to do if he's still like this but he's your size?' his dad agreed it feels like a nightmare. I just want to help him! I wish there was a magic pill to make him understand me, understand others, but there isn't.

Yes totally get that fear of the future. I'm just five foot and ds was always big for his age so was taller than me at ten. I remember worrying that he'd end up killing me one day but we got it sorted and I'm sure you will too. Ds is a foot taller than me now and I'm not scared of him even when he's angry because I've switched the internet off (ultimate punishment here)
I'm not sure even now ds understands me that much but he knows my expectations and does his best to meet them and that's good enough I think.

What about fish oils? might actually do something, even if it's small

or might be useful placebo, perhaps to start to get his dad into the mindset that if meds were needed in the distant future he could consider it...

We already do the fish oils noticed no difference, probably because DS has always eaten lots of fish anyway thank you for the suggestion though

Have you considered trying GF and or DF diets?

I know a lot of people have and it works for some and not others.
my DS has a lot of allergies so I couldn't face this too, but I did switch to Guernsey milk/milk products instead. Again it is one of those things which seems to work for some. TBH I am not 100% sure if it had an effect. I think it has in that DS seems on the whole to be calmer, and he stated to do much more imaginative play soon afterwards (he has AS) - Co-incidence or not? I am not entirely sure but am still sticking mostly with the Guernsey milk a year and a half on.

It may be worth experimenting with diet if you haven't already.

Thanks Alison we did try that though and it made no difference

Hi there , you sound like you are having the worst time, I feel so sad for you and you're little boy. I have responded to a few posts on this forum in recent days, they sound very much like my life! My son had PDA , he is similar age to you'res and is very physical with me and other children. I don't know if you have come across PDA yet? It is worth checking out online. You may recognise you're sons behaviour when you do, the methods used and quite different to those for other asd . Traditional discipline is not useful with them, PDA methods are helpful.

Thanks for your reply, just looked but no he's the opposite of that. Terrible eye contact , no language skills, not dominant at all.

Tbh I feel a bit better now. Went to see my friend who's little boy has autism too and he was doing what DS usually does. Jumping on DS, pulling his hair etc. DS was just batting him away and saying no and being very tolerant.

I think he can understand that type of behaviour because it's how he acts, he can understand so doesn't get angry. What he can't understand is children getting in his space to play with him or looking in his eyes, so he kicks out then.