How to explain special needs to DS & DD

[NotveryPC]

DS is 3.5, DD is 1.5. Often we go for lunch at a great local cafe run by a charity that provides training for adults with special needs. In addition they often have customers who have special needs. Its a lovely place with nice food and great for kids - e.g. kind staff, toys, don't care if you spill your drink/ shout about Power Rangers v loudly.

However sometimes the customers with SN attract my kids attention - for example today there was a woman who was constantly groaning, staring into space, wearing a helmet to protect her head and needed to be fed by an adult helper.

My DS in particular has started to notice that this behaviour is different to the way that other adults behave.

I don't want to offend anyone and want my kids to be open minded about all people in society - how should I explain it to him?

Your help would be much appreciated.

not sure... i used to look after a little girl and one day we were in a cafe and there was someone in there with a young woman in a wheelchair. She was severely handicapped and had a floppy head, groaning and a big bib...

so tabitha pipes up rather loudly
"starlover... what IS that?"

i was just so mortified! I said "she's a lady, just like me"

"why is she in THAT?"

I just said that sometimes people have parts that don't work very well. That this lady had legs that didn't work properly for her so she had a special wheelchair.... i didn't know what else to say. she was about the same age as your ds at the time

I just try and explain to DD, nearly 4yo, that everyone is different in some way, and just that some people are more different than others as maybe some part of their body doesn't work the same as ours. I will give examples - blind, deaf, wheelchair. Ithink some SN are harder than others though and really appreciate hearing how others deal with those.

By the way its DS shouting about Power Rangers, not me!

The thing is the term special needs is used to describe a huge spectrum. My own dd (6) is described as having special needs but in lots of ways she can do everything that other children her age can do and more. So sometimes the special needs is more specialised, like in my dd's case (language impairment). TBH you wouldn't really know that my dd had sn, unless you spent a lot of time with her.

Now with my own ds (8) I have always been very open and very simple in the terms I explain things to him. Things like his eyes don't work very well, ears. I have even said before (I now am sorry to offend) that that particular person/child's brain doesn't work like yours does. As we have dd and are around lots of sn children he is very understanding and tbh doesn't bat an eyelid in children in walking frames etc.

Sorry but If I overheard someone making comments about my dd's brain I would take offence!
I do think it is a difficult thing to explain to a small child. But surely it is important to get on their level. i had to explain epilepsy to 3 six years olds last week I just told them it was a thunderstorm in the brain and they just accepted it.

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So, for those with SN children, how would you prefer to have such differences explained? Is that okay toask? I really want to be able to explain things properly to DD without causing offence unintentionally to other people.

I think physical differences are easier to deal with.

you could start by explaining that sometimes
people are born disabled
it may be a genetic factor
it may be through illness or by accident
it also can be as in ds2 case that a hospital seriously effed up

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I use difficult, as in "ds1 finds it difficult to talk" and "he doesn't understand" (as in that's why he's just weed on the floor/tried to pinch you etc).

Quite amusing when my friends autistic dd was trying to hit my autistic ds1 because he had turned the TV off- she was screaming at him, and ds2 came in with "but he doesn;t understand he's autistic" (to the dd), whilst her younger brother was shouting at ds2 "but she;s autistic too and she doesn't understand". Autism through the eyes of protective 3 and 4 year olds.

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Well I say it about my own dd. Her brain doesn't work the same way as ds as she doesn't think like he does. I wouldn't say it if I was out in public and if anyone could hear me.
It works for us as a family and makes my son far more understanding and I am not going to apologise for that.

I tend to say "Ds2 finds using a spoon very difficult" etc also when Ds1's friends make comments about his messy eating or ask why he can't do something. Children with things like ASD and ADHD do seem to have their brains wired differently. I don't think that's a bad explanation. Sometimes I say that Ds2 might not see things the same way as we do. Ds1 describes it as his "problems". I have tried to find better words as that sounds a big negative but it is true that Ds2 does have problems with a lot of ordinary tasks and DS1 doesn't mean it in a derogatory way.

I think we have to be honest; my dd is five and she has cerebral palsy - she walks with a walking frame and has fine motor difficulties (affecting writing, cutlery skills etc) and slow speech. She's not intellectually affected and is very bright - during the last year she has become more aware of her differences and we have been as honest as we could; yes, her brain did develop a little bit differently and this makes it difficult for her since it makes her muscles stiff. Most of dd's friends are getting to the stage now at five and six where they can understand proper explanations rather than being fobbed off. I agree that when they are 3 or something it's more difficult, but to be honest I'm not offended by references to dd's brain - it's true, her brain tells her to hold her muscles stiffly and this is not her fault. The only confusion comes if people assume that because her speech is slow she's mentally slow - it's important to point out to her and her friends that your brain is more than just about cleverness but also about how the whole of your body works.

BTW I explained about the ADHD boy when we were home, not in public

DS has slow processing when answering questions and I agree people think he doesn't know the answer but if they wait for him he will come up with the answer

His teacher last year developed a system of asking him a question then moving on to another child BUT then come back to him

Also to encourage him to make a "thinking" face, so others knew he was thinking about the answer, rather than daydreaming, iyswim

I asked my 14yr old ds nt what he thought and he thought saying about his sisters brain being wired different to a small child was good.
i am always a bit touch about this due to a mother at his primary school telling her son that my ds had brain damage!!!!

Thanks to everyone who has answered my original question. There are plenty of ideas there for me to formulate some responses - I'll feel much better prepared in future.

I agree that children are much more accepting of "diferences" than us particularly in other children. I think the thing I found so hard about the situation I described was that the people involved were adults and I am so often holding adults up as examples of good behaviour to my DS that it was hard to then say why it was okay for these particular adults to moan loudly and eat their food with their hands.

I'll keep watching for more ideas. Thanks in particular to those of you have children with SN - I have the greatest admiration for you.

My ds has Spina Bifida, isn't walking yet (he's 20 months), has splints on his legs and is catherterised. He looks just like any other cjild of his age, he just doesn't walk, and won't be out of nappies any time soon (probably years). My friend explained his condition quite nicely to her 4 year old daughter when we went to visit before Christmas - she told her "Seb's back didn't grow properly when he was in his Mummy's tummy, and he was born with part of it missing. Parts of your back are very important for making your legs work and for helping you to go to the toilet. Seb's back doesn't do the job very well". I thought this was a really good way of explaining it to her - she understood, and was even trying to remind him all the time of where his feet were (he has reduced sensation, too). I think my explanation to him will be along those lines too. There's no point trying to kid children. They need to know the truth, in language that they understand.

an excellent interesting thread - I had thought about asking this question myself in the past but got cold feet taht I might make some blunder. DD2 (3) has a little boy in her nursery class who is high-functioning autistic. At first she complained a bit about him, she said he would put her face very close up to hers and stare at her funny. I said something along the lines of "he has something called autism, which means he sometimes finds it a bit difficult to understand people and he might find it difficult to tell how people are feeling". She was ok with that. Was that reasonably accurate for a 3 year old? He's now one of her main friends and she wants him to come to tea

Brilliant thread - I try to be as accurate as I can be without overwhelming my children. This has given me plenty of food for thought. Thanks for asking the question.

mmmh yes the brain thing is a bit of a grey area - I think I would be offended if someone told their child that dd's brain wasn't fully functioning - because it is, it's a normal, fine-working brain for someone with DS.
When explaining dd2's SN to dd1 a few years ago, I told her that because of the DS (which I also explained in child-friendly terms) dd2 finds things that are really easy for dd1 quite tricky and that she has to work much harder to learn them and that it will take her longer. She also knows that it is important to be kind to dd2 (within sisterly reason!) because everything is so much trickier for dd2.

Even before my sone was diagnosed I always treated people with disabilities the same as those without in front of my kids and they now do the same. Yes I've had the awkward questions about wheelchairs (even from very young age gave the answer - they use one because their legs don't work properly and expanded with age). My middle one lip reads and has done since he was about two - he's nearly a teenager now and sometimes I wish he couldn't.

From the other side I've had prejudice thrown in my face time and time again and all I want to do is shout at the top of my voice "he's still a kid treat him as one"

Best advice I can give - is be as open and honest as you can be given your childs own age, and encourage from the earliest age interaction with those less fortunate and treat as normal - many prejudices will be lost this way.