Independent experts and 'capable' children....

[StarlightMcKenzie]

I'm sick to death of them telling me my child is capable/bright and then mentioning that my DH is too!

FFS He's my intellectual equal. No, I couldn't teach engineering, but then nor could he have done my job nor navigate the SN system.

It's starting to piss me off actually!

I don't think I have ever come across this one (thank god!)

In fact, most places have concentrated more on 'mum is educated to degree level' or equal rot, and barely mentioned dh, tbh.

I would be fuming - the 'mum is a housewife' always makes me enough, but that may be me just being defensive (and bitter - after all, if there were decent schooling in my town/childcare options etc, I wouldn't be one!)

There is a rule chez insanity all negative attributes are from dh ie stubborn, moody, grumpy, whiny and all positives are down to me

It's nearly always women that say it too. Half the time they have barely seen my DH. So I guess they just must just base their assumptions on their interactions with me .

I AM an East London comprehensively educated girl but I know my Dh didn't marry me for a bit of rough!

I follow insanity's rule! Especially since ex has proved to be such a dick. But I expect that my degree in Physics hasn't made my DC less geeky.

haha! I am also a comprehensive girlie who has no degrees, but a few spirit levels and a black belt in origami

DH on the other hand is always saying ask the wife, ask mum, ask the boss, you need to contact the missus she is more with it than me, where is my.....? Youve done what????

This is why I did my PhD . Now when I write complaining letters because they are all so shit, they at least have to write back and call me Dr XXX. I bet that grates.

I have been able to change 'mum says' to 'Dr XXX says' too. I bet they hate that!!

Ds dx report says that i am 'very adept at developing ds play' is this code for doesnt have degree, but plays a mean game of Lego!

Paed did once say "mother is obviously highly intelligent" in a report. Can't imagine where he got that idea from tbh It's never been repeated so perhaps was an anomaly.

Star - I so know what you mean. It makes my blood boil too.
I have a reply when that is inferred, that when DH and I met, I was his boss, but I gave up my career to be a SAHM for the benefit of our children's development (or as we SN mums know - SAH to negotiate the vagaries of the SEN system).
One of these days, if it is a female that says it to me, I will reply that the reason I gave up working was that men still earn more on average than their female counterparts - and look at her sympathetically
coff - black belt in origami that sounds scary. We all know how much paper cuts hurt!

It's just bonkers. And why is it women that do it? I think most men wouldn't dare, even if they thought it.

AT That must be great to get them to address 'DR' in their reports.

I do actually have a first class degree, not that anyone has asked. I don't have A-Levels though. Surely that indicates something more than being churned out of the fee-paying private schooling system (nothing against it, but don't think it has anything to do with inhereted IQ, - even though I agree my DH IS bright).

Grrrr

I'm long past the point where I care what they think of me personally. What does REALLY bug me is the culture of low expectations for SEN kids amongst professionals.

I'm not happy with DS's academic levels, and I don't see why I should pretend to be when I know damn well I sent him to school reception aged 4 a better reader than he is now at the end of Year 3. In a kid on the 95th centile for visual memory this indicates to me a massive problem that wants sorting pronto.

This next half term is going to spent with me refusing pats on the head from caring carrots who'll try and get me to accept

that minimal academic achievement is something I should be pathetically grateful for.

Yes. I'm also confused by what 'capable' and 'very bright' mean.

At one point I believed it meant getting GCSEs and A-Levels to rival Oxbridge, but now it seems to mean 'may even be able to sit one or two GCSEs'.

Having said that Ds is 5 so it isn't something I think can be predicted, but if he is capable of the former he needs to be on th right path now!

I'm the same Bochead, I don't give a .... what they think of me personally, but I do think that most professionals are very judgemental on a parents capabilities. Not to the point that they'd ask "did you get a first or a 2:2", but how you speak, what you wear, generally how you come across.
I have a friend who is having serious difficulties at the moment re her DS (ASD) - I could imagine professionals taking 1 look (3 second making their mind up about her rule) , hearing her, looking at her address and thinking - bad parent, how can she hope to have high expectations.
Reality is, she'd a good caring mum who knows exactly what her DS needs and what makes him tick. She knows that they can't see past 'her' - and deny him what they need.
I look different, speak differently and have a different address - same LEA - my paediatrician has agreed to write 'whatever it takes' to get my DS 'special medical needs' considered for secondary school choice. My DS has far less needs than her DS.
Thats what really gets me. Help should be based on the child's needs, not on the fickle determination by professionals as to the parent's abilities.

Auntevil

Political correctness stops anyone saying anything out loud but I'm more than aware that it plays a part in SOME professionals attitudes that I've come across. It's not just my imagination as DS has picked up on it - "why did that woman talk to you like you are stupid Mum?". FFS - if an infant with a communication deficit (ASD???) can spot it, then they aren't hiding it well are they?

DS has an extended family that crosses continents, languages and cultures yet ALL sections of it value education & consider a first degree as the bare minimum entry requirement to adulthood iykwim. Both his Grans are retired teachers ffs.

I just want DS to be able to gain entry to whatever adult niche he chooses, (he'll prob make a career of an obsession I imagine). Some days I can see him as a geneticist like my cousin, on others I see him as a game keeper in the highlands or researching a rare butterfly in the Carpathian mountains.

In order to have the choice he needs the 3R's - it's not that hard to work out the baseline educational requirements towards any of these idealised futures for a 7 year old. Yet you'd think I was asking for the moon.

I know that there seemed to be some surprise when I was able to converse intelligently with numerous professionals, but I tended to chalk that up to some parents not taking the time to educate themselves about their child's condition. I honestly didn't consider that they might have been surprised that I was intelligent because I am a SAHM.

While I like that the LA wants DS2 to work to his potential, I am a bit put out that they are trying to use against us (to get him into SS) that he might want to do more GCSEs when he is older, and trying to get us to commit to where he'll be in academics as a teenager when he is 5 at the moment. How many other parents are required to predict how many GCSEs their 5yo child will take/pass in the future??

I think I tried asking for the moon last week. I explained to the paed that DS1 is already 2+ years ahead of his age academically across the board (proud mum brag there - unashamedly ) - with the difficulties that he has. How much more could he achieve if issues such as short term memory, visual tracking etc were addressed - and weren't we neglecting his ability to fulfil his potential if we did not address this.
Personally I don't think its asking for the moon. Its being a realist. He has physical difficulties that mean many career choices are ruled out. His academic ability is his strength - as is his positive character. If either are neglected, his choices in later life get narrower and narrower.
Its not asking for the moon - its called being a responsible parent.

Triggles, trust me, some parents plan for their children's higher education before they are born .
Disclaimer - I'm not one of them, I'm in the let children be children brigade, not hot housing and cramming them til they explode

auntevil we are in the same position here. The LA actually asked me if we got DS2 into the SS and then found out he was working at a much higher level than we thought he could work, how would we then go about getting him back into MS?! I said if we got him into SS and he began working at a higher level, then no way in hell would they EVER get me to agree to sending him back to MS!!

They sit there and say "oh he's so clever he needs to be in MS schools..." Doesn't matter how clever he is if he can't access it because he can't cope with MS. Drives me nuts!

DS is currently in a SS, because it is the only option available here for him to access the national curriculum. MS is a complete waste of time for him. He could do it if he could access it but the training levels of the teachers and support makes that currently impossible.

Triggles, your point goes back to star's OP about perception. Your LA can't understand that a bright child can't cope with MS.
It would also be lost on them that the whole reason for his success would be that he was in an environment that met his needs (SS) and that changing the environment would affect the success (MS)
Maybe we should all be questioning the academic ability of our LA staff and the professionals we see?

It's maddening.... but you're right (and star is right)

Star nailed it for me - access to the national curriculum. Mainstream doesn't enable many, many children to adequately access the NC, but it does cost less! Babysitting is not teaching, segregation is not inclusion. Education leads to inclusion in productive adult society - at my son's natural level.

Sadly mainstream does not have as standard, educators with the training, experience & expertise to support many of our children. TA= babysitter as an educational model sucks big time, even it is cost effective.

If he's HAPPY shelf stacking I'll have no objections, but if his dream was to chase butterflies then I'll feel I failed him. What I'm not prepared to do is saddle him with a lifetime of dependency when he could, with support, carve out his own path. The comment about helping him to exploit his strengths as his disabilities will narrow his available options really resonated with me.

At the moment DS is happy and engaged in mainstream with extensive support, (it only took 3 years while he learned NOTHING and was subjected to intolerable levels of distress that will take years to heal). I however, cannot imagine him coping in the hustle & bustle of a London comprehensive, even with support.

No matter how much I wish it, wishing doesn't make something so & as his Mum I can't afford to exist in a state of denial, unlike the professionals who in 20 years time won't even remember his name. We'd all prefer it if our kids didn't have SEN.

Ds has his full compliment of GCSE's, the fact that it nearly killed him wasn't considered important to our LA. Now at independent SS I can see how useless those certificates are when I see his peers with significant LD's without a hope of a GCSE pass between them so much more able and confident and independent and it makes me want to cry tbh. I think a bright autistic child really does have the worst possible combination tbh because it is only independent specialist schools that are able to fulfil their needs and LA's prefer not to acknowledge that

insanity - that brings us nicely back to my doubts about the life skills (ie common sense) of some of the very professionals that like to patronise us. I'm beginning to note a distinct correlation between degree of patronisation & expertise I can respect in the pro's I've come across. The more they know, the less head patting I'm asked to endure.