<deep breath> So my son has ADD. Can you teach me the basics of what I need to know/to do?

[Pinot]

He's 11.

He's had behaviour issues for ages but I've realised I've swweping it under the carpet and I'm failing him.

Can you tell me what I need to know and how I can help him?

I am desperate and upset and need advice if you have the time.

Please x

P.S. You're not alone. We understand. We're all here.

Hey :) Thanks. The counselling is to get some one-on-one time to help him practice scenarios that he normally struggles with, and to practice what he should do when he gets upset. He has got angry a few times - more than other kids? I didn't think so. But I guess it's a sign too.

The bit I'm not content with is the concept that they will discuss with him what his worries are, what his fears are, what upsets him. They say if any issues arise I will be told - but I'd like to know everything. He is my heart and soul, that boy. I feel so weird that another person will hear things from him that I don't know.

That is selfish though and I do appreciate that. It's for his benefit and he needs the space to talk.

I'd love to chat on FB with any/all of you. I've got a "Pinot Mumsnet" FB account so please do add me. I appreciate it :)

It took DH a long time to come to grips with DS2 having SNs. He still struggles with it, but is slowly making improvements.

Struggling with the diagnosis is very common. In our case, because it was over four years from an issue being raised to the eventual diagnosis, it was actually a relief but we still went through a lot of angst about it. I think you both really need to "grieve" for the child you thought you were going to have and the life you thought he was going to have. It's a major shift in thinking. His life won't be worse, things are just different and it's a lot to get your head round. Even though we'd had nearly five years of managing the DDs' ADHD, I was surprised at how deflated I felt about DS's diagnosis.
Talking to people who understand is invaluable. You'll find all the stereotypical prejudices about ADHD alive and well - ADHD is a label for badly behaved kids with parents who can't be bothered, you are tranquillising your kids with medication rather than parenting effectively etc, etc. You have to let it wash over you.
What will make the biggest difference to your child is having people who love and support him no matter what and having people to talk to. The school counsellor is a great idea. It gives him another friendly face to go to, in the same way that you can discuss things here that you wouldn't necessarily want him to read.
Things will be OK. They will.

God yes, if I had a penny for every time I've heard "ADHD? No such bloody thing! Just naughty children and bad parenting..." pffft whatever... talk to the hand.. and all that rot...

If you let it, it will make you crazy. I really struggle with this, but try to ignore it.

Oh yes triggles - me too.

As regards to your DH - mine was the same. It took him a long time to come to terms with the fact DS had something 'wrong' with him (his words). TBH I just left him to it because I didnt feel strong enough to carry myself, DS and him.

I have added you to FB (I am Voidka btw, under my dinosaur alter ego)

And someone once told me that after getting the DX you go through a grieving process and all the 7 stages. It was definitely true for me.

DH have been having a few differences of opinion over the last few days.Mainly its because i've been speaking to my rl (selected) friends about it and he rarely tells anyone anything. I think DH really feels the stigma of the ADD label whereas I couldn't give a rats arse what the label is called as long as we help DS to progress and lead a more straightforward life. Its odd because professionally both dh and I have worked with many children with ADD and their families, DH especially. Its so true that no matter what you do or know at work it is totally different when you look through the eyes of a parent...

We are obviously right at the beginning of this process with ds (8) as he has not been assessed at all yet. His teacher has talked about sending a checklist home for us to look at. I presume this is the start of identifying his strengths and difficulties.

It is a little disheartening to learn that the diagnosis takes so long.

Pinot, I would love to keep in touch via this thread as we go along the process together.

Again some of the posts here have been so helpful. I feel like a sponge at the moment!

We are going away for a few days so I will post when we get back. I'm quite pleased at the timing as we all need a break.

Yes a break will be great timing. I'm counting down to the school holidays in July as I love it when it's just me at home with my boys.

Voidka I nodded wildly when you said you weren't strong enough to carry DH as well. That's exactly how I feel. I don't want anyone to get the impression he doesn't love DS as he does completely - DH just can't talk about it/deal with it/understand it/anything it! But I've made a decision to just let that be as I can't pull him along with me. I need all my energy and focus to be on DS. I also don't want to get frustrated at DH being no support. It's like a balancing act. V hard.

It's six years since ds was diagnosed and dh STILL has trouble accepting it sometimes. Nor is he comfortable with ds being prescribed medication for ADHD - he can't even look at it as a 'necessary evil', though he no longer argues about it.

I think most fathers struggle with accepting that their child might have something 'wrong' with them. I don't know of many who have been OK with it. It takes time. But I agree that when you've got all this on your plate it's hard to be supportive to your OH as well, especially as you need their support to help YOU through it.

Pinot, its funny, I was saying the same thing earlier on another thread-dh just wont really open up about ds,doesnt want to talk about ways to support him, not interested in learning new strategies to deal with behaviour etc. I take comfort a little from the fact that this appears to be the case with other dads also and I too have decided to just carry on myself,plodding away, reading and learning etc as its too much to carry dh as well. Bloody men-useless half the time!. We are 3 years down the line now so there's no hope for him

Same here. DH struggles with coping with DS2. To be fair, we've both taken quite a few hits in the last few years. DH's dad died 2 yrs ago, my dad died last year, my mum is too ill to travel so I've had to come to grips with the idea that I will probably never see her again as she lives in the states and logistically it's impossible for me to travel there either. Financial issues. DS2's SNs, diagnosis, schooling, now going to have to go to tribunal. DH's mum having some memory problems here and there, so we're worried about her. Worrying about this change in the DLA where MRC no longer affords me CA.

sigh.. It's been a right struggle the last 2 yrs. So I can't blame him really for having difficulty with this. I've got a medical background, so it's probably easier for me to hide in the "clinical view" sometimes, whereas he isn't able to do that.

Do you think men take it more personally?

Very similar situation here Triggles-I have a medical background also, we both lost our dads during the past few years,dh's mum has severe memory problems,ds being dx with Aspergers at 10,financial stuff,schooling etc and on and on.
It compounds my theory that women are indeed far better at coping with adversity and are by far the 'stronger' sex. I think men definitely do take it more personally whereas women just say 'right, this is how it is and what can we do about it? '. I think men feel as if they have failed somehow!.

But Bellette I think in some ways it traps us into coping on our own, with all the additional stress of having little or no support. Because we always cope, everyone simply EXPECTS us to always cope, no matter what.

Yup, you are bang on there Triggles. I sometimes feel incredibly trapped when it comes to dealing with ds and I often think I should perhaps share out the stress/worry etc but how? Even those closest to him(dad,grandmother ,aunt etc) dont 'get ' him like I do ,nor understand his triggers,coping mechanisms etc.I mean where would you even begin to try and teach them all /impart what you have learned from endless hours of reading,searching websites etc. Its easier to just carry on yourself isnt it? My biggest fear now of course is 'what would happen to ds if something happened to me'?. Who would fight his corner,understand him so well etc? Aaaagh Its a visious circle isnt it? Your use of the word 'trapped' is very apt!

Sorry, having trouble with the spelling of vicious today. This looks right I think.

Exactly. It's like speaking to a brick wall sometimes - nobody else seems to "get it." Except for his absolutely lovely TA. Thank god for her!!

Ds1 (16.8) has ADHD. He was diagnosed at 8 years and I quickly realised that I too have ADD. A trial of medication was very successful and he continues on a long acting dose daily. Once he has finished all his exams (this time next year) the plan is to start reducing his dose to see how he gets on although he is not all that keen to stop taking them as he feels a real benefit.

He is very academically able but lack of concentration and motivation stop him reaching his true potential at the moment. I was the same but once I went to college to do something I was really interested in I "shone" and I'm sure he will be the same. Ds plays a musical instrument very well and plays in 4 different orchestras. Again with a bit more motivation he could really be so good - but hey. He did well in his standard grades last year and is doing highers atm. He is expected to do ok.

He was not good at making friends in primary school and struggled with relationships but now has a big group of (like minded) friends. He has had several girlfriends and seems popular with peers and teachers!

He is easily annoyed by things that his brothers would take in their stride but, where once this would have resulted in a meltdown, he has now worked out strategies to cope.

He is generally a polite, helpful and friendly (if somewhat unusual) lad. Friends and complete strangers often comment on his lovely nature.

When he was diagnosed I was shocked and saddened that the future seemed less than bright for my lovely boy. My dh, like yours, took a long time to come to terms with the diagnosis and it's only recently that he has started telling people.

So - as you can see, with help now in place, the future is very bright. I don't doubt that, as a family, you will be able to work through the problems. I haven't grown out of my ADD but have a responsible job, in a senior position and have certainly learnt to manage it as I'm sure my ds (and yours) will too.

I am just going upstairs to renovate his bedroom. It looks as if we have been burgled but you can't have everything.

All the best to you all.