<deep breath> So my son has ADD. Can you teach me the basics of what I need to know/to do?

[Pinot]

He's 11.

He's had behaviour issues for ages but I've realised I've swweping it under the carpet and I'm failing him.

Can you tell me what I need to know and how I can help him?

I am desperate and upset and need advice if you have the time.

Please x

Has he just been diagnosed Pinot? Its a real shock when the realisation suddenly dawns on you. My ds,12,was dx with Aspergers last year and we really didnt see it coming at all. I remember hearing someone on the radio discussing something about Aspergers and how her son would flap when excited etc and I just stood frozen to the spot as realisation dawned and then went online and everything I read described my son. You will get great support here Pinot-I have found it invaluable and lots of mums here know the system inside out. Someone more experienced in ADD will be along soon. Have a Pinot-you will be fine and so will your ds-lots of help out there.

Yes, just diagnosed. Suddenly everything is happening and I feel like I've been in a hole for the last few years and should have down something sooner. Basically kicking myself. And feeling guilty.

That's how I feel about ADD - he's flirted with an Individual Education Plan but never dx with anything concrete. But ADD is him.

:(

Welcome Pinot. Take your time getting your head around it. Getting a dx is a shock, even when you're expecting it. Don't feel guilty - as parents we tend to absorb little odd behaviour glitches displayed by our children, not always realising that it's not the norm. You get so used to adjusting things that you just don't see it clearly. It kind of sneaks up on us IYSWIM.

Is he getting the support he needs in school then?

Hi Triggles.

I've spoken to the SENCO today and she is doing a full assessment on him this week, she's then speaking to the Family Counsellor who will have a chat with DS2 (is that normal?) and we're seeing the GP on Thursday morning.

I am feeling so lost. DH is so busy at work that I feel like I can't lean on him.

My son is different, and I've always known that. But he really is different and that's quite a distinction to get my head round. I thought he'd grow out of "it".

Can I just say Hi, my DD was dxd with ADHD and ODD in Y7. I am unsure if I am able to help, sorry. Take things slowly x

Hi - I'm grateful for the company! What is ODD?

oppositional defient disorder (sorry can't even spell it lol)

Just googled - sounds rough :( This is a whole new world, isn't it?

I thought it was unusual to be Yr6 and just dx, but I'm guessing there is no 'norm' as such and it happens later quite often?

Yeah no norm and every one different. Unfortunately not a whole new world to me though. Have 3 others with different needs.

Pinot - our DS2 is 5yo (dx with ASD, ADHD, and a few other letters), but because he is younger and has comprehension difficulties, having a counsellor speak to him about it wouldn't be horribly beneficial at this point. It's most likely because your DS is older and will have questions and concerns (where our DS2 is relatively clueless about his dx).

It sounds like they are willing to work with you and support your DS, which honestly is half the battle right there!

A lot of children don't get their dx until they're older than maybe 8-12yo from what I've seen on the board. But there are a lot of variables involved in that as well. It does kind of fly in the face of the whole "early intervention" thing, but what can we do as parents? We just have to make the best of it and take it from there.

Best advice at the moment - take it easy on yourself, don't look for guilt or anything like that - and document EVERYTHING!! I know that sounds very pessimistic but it's really helpful in the long run. And we get copies of everything, even stuff we turn in to the school (we just make copies before we turn it in). You just never know when you might need the information.

agree with Triggles, half the battle is gone when school etc is on board because of this and having 'worse' kids at home poor DD's issues get overlooked. Musty add though the school she is in is fab!!!

sorry wrong use of the word worse but what I mean is the other kids especially my youngest do seem worse than DD and take up more of my time iyswim

Hi Pinot.

I agree with the other that having school on board is half the battle.

I know its said a lot on here, but dont forget he is still the same lovely boy he was yesterday. Now you just have a bit more information than you had before.

Do you have any other family support?

The school is on board so half your battle is won. To improve attention give him short timed activities - so if he comes home with h/w then put the timer on and he does 10 mins only. If he needs a fiddle toy - bit of blue tack or a small something in his hand, let himhave it. He may be someone that hates facing the front - as long as he is listening and can demonstrate he is listening by answering questions then that doesn't matter. If he is socially a little inappropriate or overly bouncy then this is down to anxiety. Rehearse situations with him before they happen. So if you know you are going to visit some friends rehearse with him possible opening gambits of conversation or what to do when x happens. Also he may need help 'reading' body language so if you are with him watching TV ask him - 'how do we know character's name is not happy at the moment'. 'What tells us that she's bored'.

Don't worry. He's still your lovely little boy and yes he's got a 'something' but it's a 'something' that can be managed and dealt with. He will go through peaks and troughs but he will also learn how to manage his own condition in time. Be up front and open and keep his self esteem up as much as you can.

It's really not uncommon to have a later diagnosis so stop beating yourself up.

Hi Pinot. Assuming your son had been diagnosed without the hyperactivity, as you only mention 'ADD". My son was diagnosed with ADHD aged 7. Yes, it's an awful reality that comes after a long time of worrying and having a huge question mark over their heads. But in my very humble opinion, it has only bought him support and progress. The school relationship is crucial and no matter how protective or defensive you feel about your child, try to understand their position with any issues they may have. A good working relationship does wonders for everyone concerned. That doesn't mean you don't need to keep a watchful and well informed eye over them. Arm yourself with lots of knowledge .. I literally didn't leave the internet for 3 months and make sure you access credible sites only (so much utter swaddle out there). This may be obvious to you, but my sons diet and exercise really helped him. I make sure he gets physical activities 5 out of seven days. I even bought one of those indoor gym trampolines (small ones) for him to bounce on when he can't get outside. No artificial sweeteners in squashes, preservatives, artificial colours or flavours. It's not hard and you'll become an expert at it in no time. We restricted sweets and choccy ... sent him nuts. Supplement with Omega3,6,& 9. Even if your son is not hyper, the above diet changes will help with concentration and attention. Got sooooo much info in my head, ask away!!

Yes my DD has putty in school and in a few lessons has 121 support. She also is able to go out and jump and be loud. We did have one teacher who really struggled with her, staff have been on to it and hopefully after a year or so they are making a breakthrough. Homework is done in school, after school and she has come on great.

I think she got a late dx as her home life was always the blame, although it did become more apparent in secondary school. She became a school refuser for a while and couldn't cope at all, however after the dx and as strategies were implemented things started to slot in place.

I was told I don't recognize her for the problems she has as I do have too much going on at home, although I was also told, one day I would notice it. I did about 2 year ago during the summer hols. I can also see how I have overlooked it. I'm sorry I am not much help but with the right support, progress can be made.

Thank you, I'm sorry not to come back yesterday. TBH I was in a bit of a panic and had a cry and turned off the world for a bit. I appreciate all your comments and will absorb everything. Thank you - that's not a big enough word for situations like this. Having kind words from strangers that hit the spot is just so WOW and I'm very very grateful.

I am so glad I found this thread. I was called into ds's (8) school yesterday to be told that ds's teacher feels that he has many of the traits of a child with ADD. We have always known that ds struggles with concentration at school but apparently an ed psych was in their class on monday to observe another child but concluded that ds was showing many of the signs of having ADD.

Having had chance to think about it overnight (after the initial shock, denial and guilt feelings) it does make a lot of sense.
Pinot I have a good idea how you are feeling right now and I'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see how you are getting on.
Also as Pinot said, i have really taken strength from the great advice and experience on these boards. I really needed someone to reassure me and it has really done the job so far.

It's a lot to take in so don't give yourself a hard time about finding it difficult. The good thing about a diagnosis is that it means you can put specific strategies into place at home and school that will make a huge difference to you and him.

A really good place to start for sensible, practical advice is the book by Dr Christopher Green (he of toddler taming) book I recommend it to everyone!
As our Ed Psych keeps telling us, ADHD/ADD kids need the three Cs - Clarity, Consistency and Company. They need to know and be reminded constantly of what we expect them to do, we need to keep things consistent for them and understand that they need us or people they trust around to make them feel comfortable.
Don't know if you have been advised to undertake a medication trial. All 3 of my children have ADD or ADHD. They are all taking Ritalin with tremendous results.

Hi Pinot and Nunthewiser

Welcome to the SN board. I don't know anything about ADD/ADHD. My son has AS and has only been dxed for 4 weeks or so.

Keep posting on here. There are always people around who can support you, give you info or just be there for you.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY THOUGH! It is not your fault. I think most of us have gone through in our minds whether there was something we could have done differently or whether we should have done something earlier. You can't go back. It's likely nothing would have been different. All that matters is that your boys are the same little boys, you just have a name for the things that they find more difficult than others.

Pinot I found our Family Support Worker at school to be a great person to have on board. I've been in there crying. I've been in there demanding things get done. She listened, gave me a tissue and I felt so much better afterwards.

Take care of yourself x

Pinot, my lovely, Im in a similar boat, DS has very recently been diagnosed as dyspraxic and its a lot to get your head around. how has dh taken it? mine is ignoring it

Fwiw, I have ADHD. If I had been diagnosed at 11 (instead of 43...) my life would have been way way better. So this is a good thing. Honest!

I think the first thing to get your head around is what type of ADHD and how does it affect him. It's a bit like ASD in that it has 3 basic strands (inattentive, hyperactive, impulsive) and kids can have one or two or all three and to differing extents. Plus each trait can affect the individual child differently. So though there are stereotypical behaviours and issues, each child is different and when you are reading up about it, you pick and choose the things that are relevant to him and will help him.

The next thing is that this isn't an excuse, it's a reason. There's a difference. He's not going to get away with stuff and you're not going to let him. Because being a kid is all about learning to cope with life as an adult and life isn't going to cut him any slack just because he's got a diagnosis. So if he has impulsivity problems, that doesn't make it OK to shout out in class or deck people if they annoy him. What it does mean that you can stop blaming him for it - it may not be his fault but he needs to learn extra controls and coping strategies in a way his friends don't. One of the problems that comes with ADHD is low self-esteem, because you are often labelled "lazy", "rude", "aggressive" or whatever: you still need to work on the behaviour that gets that reaction, but it's easier to do that if you realise it's the condition's fault and those are not your real qualities iyswim.

You say "ADD" so I'm guessing he's primarily inattentive, like me. In which case he needs structure and heaps of it. You need to put a scaffolding of routine and reminders around his life; notes in his school bag and reminders by the front door and alarms on his phone and calendars on his PC and any and every type of system you can set up to support him.

It will be fine, honestly. ADHD has benefits as well as drawbacks; he'll be a fabulously innovative thinker with bags of enthusiasm and energy and focus for things that grab his interest. I actually found work a lot easier than education once I'd stumbled across the right career.

Oh I would love it if the newly-diagnosed Mums could all stick together on this thread and share. Please do - it's not hijacking, it's support.

Oracle - hey mate :) This is a big reason that I split up my FB tbh - I need to be able to talk honestly about DS2 without worrying that RL friends who know him and me, can ever put together my RL and my MN names. I don't want the whole (small, village) school to know DS2's business. Plus I need to be free to scream and shout and cry on here and then turn up at the school gates and smile.

Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I took him to the GP this morning. He has registered all my concerns and will liaise with the SENCO. The SENCO at school is doing a three day assessment on DS2 and has arranged for him to have a counsellor for one to one sessions.

I am pleased that so much is happening but also a bit 'woah' - especially about the counsellor. I worry that they think it's something I can't know about. I don't know - I'm in a whirl. I know it's for the benefit of him, isn't it? It's just hard to allow control to a stranger.

r3 that was a great post, thank you. THANK YOU.

DH doesn't understand it. Or try to. I am upset about that but maybe it's a process he has to go through. I feel very alone in this, tbh. Thank god for MN.

Pinot

Do you know what the counselling is for and what they hope to achieve. I know having spoken to some parents at a group I attend that you don't find out what has been discussed in counselling at all which must feel very strange.

The issue with DH. Finding out that your child has a SN is a grieving process. You work your way through to acceptance but that takes different amoutn of time for everyone.

There are a few of us who are friends on FB. I find it very cathartic to be able to just generally chat with parents who just know what I am talking about. If you're interested then I'm sure there are lots of us who will friend you.