Why are (some) "normal" kids so unfeeling?

[Eliza22]

Now, I know it's the nature of kids, especially teens, to rebel and everything is soooo beneath them. And, you're either in with the "in crowd" or you're a big fat zero but, this happened yesterday..

Ds, now 11 with asd (high functioning in some ways but.....very very odd socially) and additional co-morbid OCD, has expressed the desire to walk to school. It's no more than a ten min journey, along a path with only a small cul-de-sac crossing, to school. I chatted with SENCO and she suggested a gradual process. So, we agreed, he'd set off 25 paces ahead of me. I'd follow. We'd wave at the school gate and I'd watch him enter school. Safe. Great.

Yesterday was our first attempt. Ds very pleased with himself. Me? A tad nervous. We usually hold hands and he needs lots and lots of encouragement to walk anywhere. So off he goes. He has a sort of 'leaning-forward-awkward-shuffling-hands by his sides-gait' and the OCD gremlin, is forever taunting him so, he's talking to himself a bit too, repeating his "back off OCD bully" mantra. It looks strange and people stare. He hates being stared at. He thinks he's odd, weird, not like the other kids etc etc.

A little way along the path, a group of 5 or 6 12/13 yr olds are coming toward him, going in the opposite direction to get to secondary school. They clock ds and I'm way back from him so, they have no idea I'm with him. They have a giggle and smirk. They're shaking their heads and when ds has passed them, they turn in unison to have a proper good look, point, some highly exagerated mimicking of his walk and burst out laughing.

I would have said something apart from the fact that when I got to them, I was practically in tears and would have said something hugely inappropriate like "fuck off you ignorant little shits".

My son is bright. He's socially awkward. He's isolated. He has no peer group "experience" and finds it so, so hard to know how to "be". They had NO IDEA how much preparation had gone into this one small step and just how hard ds was trying to be like all the other cool 11 yr olds.

I knew this day would come.

And it was as sad and terrible as I'd imagined to be.

Oh Eliza that is awful. Did your DS notice?

Giving you a hug and a

Well done to him and you for getting to school - ignore the idiots and feel proud of him.

I actually think that it would have been a wholly appropriate response to the little shits.

Did you try again today or was yesterday too much for him/you?

No, ds didn't ot ice, unusually. I think he was concentrating so hard and I could see he felt pleased with himself as he turned a couple of times to smile at me with a "I'm walking to school, just like everyone else does!!" half smile on his face.

Thanks for the hug n cuppa

Oh Eliza

I'm so sorry to hear that. :(

Hope your ok and your DS didn't really notice. 'normal' kids are bloomin mean aren't they.

My dd wanted to try and walk home by herself (a much longer distance and assessments ongoing for asperger's) not too long ago. . It lasted 2 days and her anxiety levels hit the roof. She hated it and doesn't want to do it ever again. She is Y6 and I have had to choose a High School that enables me to drop her off and get back to take DS to school!!

(((((hugs))))) and hope he and you aren't put off completely x

Well, we did it again this morning but, we were a little late leaving as he was faffing about with his hair, his "look" and some new gel he has to add to his coolness

It meant that the secondary kids were mostly in school so, it was ok today thanks!

I agree with zzzzz - I would call and speak to the school. Its not an acceptable way for them to behave.

Well done to your great Ds it must have taken all his power to do that how brave he must be. Hope he feels extremely proud of himself.
There will always nasty kids like that no matter what is taught to them, they are the sort who take joy in others difficulties and some don't grow out of it either. It's very hurtful to see it though.
Don't let them stop you and your Ds getting on though. I'm sure you are very proud of the effort he is making.

Sorry about extra 'though' note to self must read over before posting!

Well done to your ds!! Some kids are little Shits and you did better than me to stop yourself from saying something.
Does your ds have an enabler? As I know of a boy locally who has one and his enabler helps him with his gait etc when he's out and about and gives him help with how to blend in more. Apparently this mums boy tried to help and got nowhere but the enabler is making huge progress

Never heard of an 'enabler'?

We get direct payments but the ps's can't get him out of the house!

...that's broken my heart - poor chap - the little shits at my sons school - he's Home Ed-ed now once called him a 'Spaz' when he had to come in by wheelchair. He was 6.

The word I'm sure must have come via a parent to begin with, but how the hell do you keep the thick skin and fixed smile going?

Big hugs to you both xx

My Ds has recent ASD dx and has just come home and told me a few in the class were mean to him during games laughing and saying he is rubbish at running. It has take me ages to get him to have a go after many notes excusing him from games I was proud this morning when he said he would have a go.
Now he says he's not doing it again other dc's can be very mean.

It's horrible, and unfortunately there will be more episodes like this in the future, Even if you homeschool, there will still be those that judge and snigger and mock.
All you can do is stay strong, encourage him to develop his independence and tell him how fantastic and unique he is. Yes, complain to the school's inclusion team, they need to do some work on a whole school approach.
Where will your DS be going in September? Will friends from his primary be going too? What's the SN provision like, and how are they organising transition?
Do secondary run a buddy scheme?

My Aspie had very distinctive behaviours when he was younger, but it was coupled with explosive rage in meltdown and aggression. So people didn't pick on him twice.
One social evening in secondary, Y8, the mother of his friend came up to hug me, I'd never met her before.
She had a DS who flapped and cried when he got upset, who talked all the time and had a very poor attention span. He'd been bullied off and on throughout his first year, the school had worked on it and class situations had improved but that pushed the problem outside the school gates.
Until one day, he'd decided to be my boy's friend, and they started to walk home together. Sit together at lunchtime, share and swap books, mess around a bit.
Rather like suddenly having your own bodyguard.
Both of them were oblivious as to why the taunting stopped, and the chasing him after school and the stealing of his stuff.
Y10 onwards have been getting better all the time, and 6th form is great.

flowwithit, my DS was rubbish at team sports and running, but he has other sports that he is very good at, and so can point out that he is good at them.
He's also a chess whizz.

An enabler is the carers that come to your home. Usually through the joint agency team you get allocated a certain amount of hours a month. You should be immensely proud of your ds!

(((((((((((((((((eliza))))))))))))))))))

Well done your DS.

I would certainly have a word with the secondary school in question; these kids represent that school even though they are off premises. How dare they act like this. Some children can be really nasty particularly when they are in groups as their combined IQ halve and then halves again (well that's my theory anyway!).

Your DS could certainly do with a buddy or enabler as one of the other respondents has described.

On a wider level can it be engineered so that one of DS's friends or one of the kinder and/or more sensible or mature children in his current year will be his classmates when your DS gets into secondary?.

Thanks ladies. Ds is going to a mainstream high school, with asd support unit attachment. He's statemented. He wouldn't have survived the local secondary which is now an academy and is literally over the road from our house. It's a good school but very academic and results driven. Nightmare for my son.

Transition has started for him. He's got a number of visits to the school and they have visited him, at his mainstream primary. The primary has been excellent but I think Atilla has a good point..... About IQ halving and halving again!

I know, as you all say, that you just have to get on and encourage and be brave but it's damned hard. Ds was such a funny little boy with some cute habits as a young child. Now, these formerly cute things set him apart from others and make him a target for these kind of thoughtless and cruel young people. It's just so sad, cause I knew this was coming. And I see worse ahead.

I know I'm going to end up going bail for one of those little shits NT's one day but you should be so proud of your DS Eliza. He's working so hard. May I also point you to Dawndonna's DD's response right at the bottom of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1467641-To-wish-that-there-was-a-cure-for-ASD (hugs)

Oh and merlin I think I luff you...

Ah Merlin..... The things we are forced to do.

I'd have liked to have had a (verbal) "go" at these boys but would have made the situation worse. Who knows, if we ever read the stage where ds can walk to school, without my shadowing him, and he comes across these boys again, they may behave even worse toward him.

Also, we live in a civilised society, don't we? Where children are protected, no matter their foul behaviour toward others. I would have been condemned for attacking them and "protecting" my son. But it's perfectly acceptable for them to be cruel and derisory toward a disabled person. They're monstrous and their parents are the ones to be condemned, I suppose.

And let's not forget Ricky Gervaise, Jimmy Carr and that Scottish git (can't remember his name) who made fun of Jordan's son, Harvey... "comedians" who've made it ok to rip the piss out of disabled people! Thanks guys!

Awww hugs to you x

It is hard and I would have been tempted to strangle the little sods have a big word with them but you did the right thing in not attracting more attention as it would have probably stressed your ds out more.

Well done on his walking to school acheivement though!

And I agree with zzzzz I would contact the secondary school.

Have emailed the head of the school, this morning. We will see. Don't want to prompt a witch hunt...... We have to attempt to continue this walk/move to limited independance. Don't want the little fits having a go at him in retaliation, when I'm not there!

Gits.....little gits!!

IPad

Eliza fantastic that your Ds wanted to do it and managed. My Ds (15 also ASD/ OCD) won't walk anywhere on his own. I am so sorry that he and you encountered such ignorant and unfeeling young people. Hope their HT does something positive about it without making things worse. Don't despair about secondary. After the school dealt immediately and appropriately with mild bullying in yr7, Ds has never had any more and is now according to the school well-liked and respected. I think being in a school with a unit helps as they are only one of many with different needs and it becomes 'normal'.