Why are (some) "normal" kids so unfeeling?

[Eliza22]

Now, I know it's the nature of kids, especially teens, to rebel and everything is soooo beneath them. And, you're either in with the "in crowd" or you're a big fat zero but, this happened yesterday..

Ds, now 11 with asd (high functioning in some ways but.....very very odd socially) and additional co-morbid OCD, has expressed the desire to walk to school. It's no more than a ten min journey, along a path with only a small cul-de-sac crossing, to school. I chatted with SENCO and she suggested a gradual process. So, we agreed, he'd set off 25 paces ahead of me. I'd follow. We'd wave at the school gate and I'd watch him enter school. Safe. Great.

Yesterday was our first attempt. Ds very pleased with himself. Me? A tad nervous. We usually hold hands and he needs lots and lots of encouragement to walk anywhere. So off he goes. He has a sort of 'leaning-forward-awkward-shuffling-hands by his sides-gait' and the OCD gremlin, is forever taunting him so, he's talking to himself a bit too, repeating his "back off OCD bully" mantra. It looks strange and people stare. He hates being stared at. He thinks he's odd, weird, not like the other kids etc etc.

A little way along the path, a group of 5 or 6 12/13 yr olds are coming toward him, going in the opposite direction to get to secondary school. They clock ds and I'm way back from him so, they have no idea I'm with him. They have a giggle and smirk. They're shaking their heads and when ds has passed them, they turn in unison to have a proper good look, point, some highly exagerated mimicking of his walk and burst out laughing.

I would have said something apart from the fact that when I got to them, I was practically in tears and would have said something hugely inappropriate like "fuck off you ignorant little shits".

My son is bright. He's socially awkward. He's isolated. He has no peer group "experience" and finds it so, so hard to know how to "be". They had NO IDEA how much preparation had gone into this one small step and just how hard ds was trying to be like all the other cool 11 yr olds.

I knew this day would come.

And it was as sad and terrible as I'd imagined to be.

Some boys in my son's school did a similar thing. There was the nudge, the point, the walking behind imitating. Most amusing for them. Fortunately my DS didn't notice and wouldn't have comprehended if he had. It was bad enough that I saw it; after seeing him into his classroom I walked to the bus stop and cried so hard I lost a contact lens.

He is only 3. It is an infant school. I can see that I am going to have to toughen up...

Well done to your DS on his progress Eliza. He's putting so much effort in.

Oh, Stabby..... That's so awful. Wtf is going on in our society?

Eliza,to be strictly fair to them, they are possibly too young to realise that they were making fun and actually being unkind. I will raise it at the next school meeting (in June) and ask that Being Kind To Others is trotted out again, with perhaps helpful pointers on not mocking other people.

It's so painful though. I'm not sure I will cope with DS being at mainstream, never mind him, if this kind of thing is the norm. And I'm so afraid it is. It broke my heart reading about your experience with those rotten kids.

Congratulations to your son, Eliza, for his courage and determination. He is well on his way to being an admirable and successful young man. Commiserations to the parents of the kids who mocked him. I hope they still have the chance to turn their kids' attitudes around. Good for you for contacting the head of their school too - maybe they will learn enough to be ashamed of what they did.

Sounds like an all too familiar story for many of us - one of the reasons my ds won't leave the house at the moment is because he is so self-conscious about his odd gait and feels sure people will stare at him.

DS2 has a boy with AS in his class (although tbh I'm not sure he's dxed) . He says that all the other kids in the class take the piss out of him.

You know when people go on about how terrible it is to have a sibling with SN? I do think this is a big advantage - they just know not to be little shits. One of ds3's best friends at school has an ASD, I would guess that he is moderately autistic he has a full time 1:1, and ds3 hasn't even noticed. He's just absolutely gutted that he's moving away soon.

It is really tough, and I don't know what the answer is tbh Groups of kids are always dificult to deal with, I suppose just keep plodding on and realise that really their opinion doesn't matter. They are little shits and therefore not worth bothering about

Well done to your son though - what an achievement.

I heard back from the HT 's secretary who's said he and the Head of Pastoral Care will deal with it. I reminded them that I do not want any repercussions so, a gentle approach is needed.

We will need to move house eventually, for my son to go to the (smaller) high school with asd unit attached but, thank God he has a place. The excellent mainstream secondary these boys attend, literally 50 paces from out home, would have been hell on earth for ds.

Thanks so much for all your support for him, and me

Updating here....

I wrote to the head. They've handed it over to the pastoral care person who's held a number of assemblies, to cover the whole school, with the sad tale of the incident involving my son. Apparently, it was greeted with hushed tones and discomfort and a number of kids expressed at the time, and in the hours following, that this was a shocking and cruel thing to do. That, those boys responsible, ought to be ashamed, behaving in such a way.

So, I'll leave it there. It will probably make little difference, overall. However, I'm glad I wrote to the school.

On another note, I am somewhat prejudiced against comedians (so called) who's act includes taking the piss out of the disabled. Frankie Boyle and Ricky Gervais to name two. Jimmy Carr's another...... I'm glad he's been shown up this week, for tax evasion, legal or not. Nice man, hey?