Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Tired of seeing "DH being U? Maybe he has ASD?"

44 replies

Triggles · 08/05/2012 07:49

Is it just me, or is the "maybe it's AS or ASD" line popping up more and more on threads where a man is being a twat in a relationship. It seems to be the new "in" thing to say he's that way possibly because of undx'd SNs. Hmm... or maybe he could just be a twat?

It actually unnerves me a little bit to see people equating twattish behaviour in men to AS or ASD. It's such a negative stereotype that seems to reinforce the idea that people with SNs/ASD are bad people.

I just find it sad.

OP posts:

Iceflower · 08/05/2012 07:55

I agree , however some may say it's a good thing [sceptic] as it shows that awareness of asd is increasing...

FallenCaryatid · 08/05/2012 07:58

I agree. How cross would those women be if we posted back
' Is it your time of the month pet?' It's just such an ignorant and shallow response to a relatioship issue.
Although none of us are denying that people with an ASD can also be prats...

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 08:04

But what if their DH does have ASD? Surely there must be a generation of people with ASD that have never been diagnosed (because times were different years ago) and now that there is more awareness around it maybe some things click into place for people.

My counsellor suggested that my DH has it. Her Dh and DS have AS and she recognised similar traits in my DH after spending hours with us as a couple. Various people had mentioned the possibility to me before this.
Disclaimer I am not talking about people who try and find an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Original poster

Triggles · 08/05/2012 08:06

yes, but people that are NT can be prats as well. ASD hasn't cornered the market on "twat"... at least not that I'm aware of.

I don't think it's showing that an awareness of ASD is increasing. I actually think it's showing that an INTOLERANCE of ASD is increasing.

I'd love to counter the "is he ASD" argument with "is it your time of the month pet?" Maybe we should start doing that.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Triggles · 08/05/2012 08:09

But that's just it TooMany. They're not looking at it in "my DH is displaying this type of behaviour, could he possibly have SN? How can I find out so I can help him cope with life?" They're looking at it as "my DH is behaving like a twat" and then someone says "maybe he has ASD" as if it explains a multitude of twattish behaviour. It's in no way the aim to help him or find out more... it's to explain bad behaiour. HUGE difference IMO.

OP posts:

notactuallyme · 08/05/2012 08:09

I think it stems from the Sherlock obsession. Aspergers is the new cool. (I have an AS son btw and gave up on one thread trying to suggest self dx was unhelpful).

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 08:15

I understand what you are saying Triggles. What I mean (and I may not articulate this very well) is that years ago when children were called naughty etc a percentage of those children, if they were born today, could have been diagnosed with ASD. But because they were labelled naughty they ended up living up to that label. ~It was a different generation and there wasn't the information that there is now.
Can anyone explain to me the benefits of getting a diagnosis as an adult? Because all the information I have been given suggests there is very little benefit.

Original poster

Triggles · 08/05/2012 08:15

notactuallyme to some extent you're right, I think.

But I've noticed that at no point do they actually consider encouraging him to go get assessed or find coping skills - they all pile on the bandwagon commiserating about how dreadful it is to have to deal with an OH that has AS - because of course they've all now convinced themselves that he is, which seems to mean he is a lost cause due to AS.

In reality, the guy is probably just a twat.

OP posts:

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 08:18

Sorry, not sure "naughty" is the correct word.

UnChartered · 08/05/2012 09:35

i hear you Triggles

ASD/AS does not suddenly appear in a relationship when things get tough

cory · 08/05/2012 09:37

What strikes me more than the online ASD diagnosis is how if a man posts that his wife is sleeping all the time and doing no work posters pile in to tell about their own experience of depression and how he should support her, but if it's a woman posting about her husband the instant response is "what are his redeeming features?", "leave the useless twat", "you have to think about yourself". Not sure if this is because of some general perception that only women get depression or if it's just that the woman is seen as more important.

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 09:43

UnChartered I agree it doesn't appear only when things get tough. But sometimes it is when things are tough and you start questioning why that person is the way they are and reacting the way they do. It is only from reading on here, seeing the counsellor and speaking to people with experience of ASD that has left us with the possibility that my DH could have it.
Can anyone give me the benefits of getting a formal diagnosis for an adult? I'm not sure what difference it would make to DH.

UnChartered · 08/05/2012 09:52

TooMany

i understand that too, it was the 'bad behaviour' of DD that took us to the GP and resulted in her dx of ASD after all, but it's rarely the OP who suggests the adult has ASD - it's AN Other. it's this perception of ASD that is damaging, it makes for poor reading when most of us are trying so hard to have their family member accepted for their traits, not held up as emotional cripples and twats who can't treat humans kindly.

squidworth · 08/05/2012 09:56

While I do not like it when people imply the statistic would support that some of these men are on the spectrum. If a person on this board posted that they believed DP was on the spectrum it would be treated differently to other places on the site. DS1 hopefully will be capable of maintaining a relationship and maybe children, but the lucky person to be with DS1 because he is adorable will need to tell him what they want/ expect as he will not pick up on subtle hints etc.

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 09:59

I can see that UnChartered.
I have read many threads on here about children with ASD and have learnt so much. In some cases, what I have read tallies with what DH tells me about his experiences when he was a child, only there wasn't the support (?) or knowledge (?) about it then. The more I read about ASD the greater understanding I am getting in how his mind works. But it can be difficult to ask for advice on here when it feels that posters are quick to jump in and say "how do you know it is ASD?".

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 10:01

Squid Will your DS1 tell future girlfriends that they have to be specific rather than give subtle hints? Will he explain to them?

UnChartered · 08/05/2012 10:06

I think, for me, it's a prickly subject when you know certain daily newspapers print garbage about parents getting dxes all over the place for made up conditions that could be cured with a swift birch and for mum to give up work .

No-one can dx any condition over the 'net, the assessment and dx process is long, ardious and stressful, anyone who had even dipped a toe into it feels under constant scrutiny. It stays with you a long time - everything we do is questioned, by family/friends/HCP/the media!

I certainly don't mean to put people off from asking for advice and support, but if a straight 'could it be ASD' question for eg cannot be answered in a one line post.

squidworth · 08/05/2012 10:08

Yes as he has the understanding of why he is the way he is and if he was the same age as your DH he would of probably not of been dx with autism. It is mainly due to having good support at primary level from a good school, he is now a mature teenager.

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 10:12

UnChartered If the process for dx is long and arduous then what would be the benefit of my DH going through that?

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 10:15

Squid I think that is it. Dh (nearly 50) has lived his life feeling like a square peg in a round hole (his words). He had no support at school, constantly being told he was naughty or thick (he is easily the most intelligent man I know). So now it seems like there is a lot for us to learn and find out where we go from here.

UnChartered · 08/05/2012 10:17

i can't answer that, TooMany

it depends what you (and he of course) think he'll gain from it.

i'm going to PM you, you're local to me aren't you?

squidworth · 08/05/2012 10:19

Toomanyoddsocks for some adults it would be the similar to apotded adults looking for paternal parents. It can give the answers to why they are the way they are, it can add self esteem to know why school/university/work was so difficult. It can heal the pain of being put down when they had no control.

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 10:23

That's the thing. I'm not sure what there is to gain.
Yes I think I am near you

TooManyOddSocks · 08/05/2012 10:25

squid ~Dh already believes he has asd. From what he has learned about it so far, he says that it makes sense to him. It is where we go from here that I am unsure of.

bialystockandbloom · 08/05/2012 11:07

Yes, I've noticed it too, and agree that rather than it being a sign of greater understanding of ASD, it's more that there's a kind of assumption that bad qualities signify ASD.

Like a nt adult couldn't just be inconsiderate/twattish/selfish etc.

Many of the qualities that my ds has that might stem more from his ASD than personality (iyswim) are actually lovely ones: sweetness, gentleness, fairness, kindness.

Also the thing that ASD = alien and somehow you can't do anything about it, like people with ASD (particularly HF which it presumably must be in all these undiagnosed adults!) can't do anything to work on overcoming difficulties in the same way "normal people" can.

Flip

1 2