Tired of seeing "DH being U? Maybe he has ASD?"

[Triggles]

Is it just me, or is the "maybe it's AS or ASD" line popping up more and more on threads where a man is being a twat in a relationship. It seems to be the new "in" thing to say he's that way possibly because of undx'd SNs. Hmm... or maybe he could just be a twat?

It actually unnerves me a little bit to see people equating twattish behaviour in men to AS or ASD. It's such a negative stereotype that seems to reinforce the idea that people with SNs/ASD are bad people.

I just find it sad.

A friend of mine's DH has AS and having the diagnosis (at 40) enabled him to apply for DLA. Not sure I'd call that an advantage though.
I am sure my father has ASD, but at over 90 diagnosis wouldn't achieve anything. He has never behaved "badly" he just hasn't ever managed to socialise very well, has limited topics of conversation and sensory issues (can't stand any form of perfume in any washing/cleaning products). He is oblivious to what other people think, so appears rather eccentric.He doesn't show affection so whether he loves us is anybody's guess!
The problem is, as has been said, when people equate unpleasant behaviour with AS.

I have no problem whatsoever with people coming on here deliberating if, because of specific ASD-related behaviour, their OH has ASD and how to go about helping him get assessed or learning coping skills or whatever.

I DO, however, resent it being used as a catch-all armchair dx for stereotypical twattish behaviour demonstrated by an OPs OH, which is thrown out mid-thread as if "Ooooooh, he's a dick, so it MUST be AS/ASD, and that's not fixable..." because so many assume that ALL people with AS/ASD act like twats and thus all twats have AS/ASD. Rather than "um.. he's just a dick..."

Does my head in cos the ex does have AS. However in an adult it is VERY easy to distinguish between AS related behaviors and that terrible affliction known as "watless arseholitis".

His AS wasn't what caused our split, it was his inability to keep his dick in his trousers that did lol! Infidelity and ASD are not clinically related, and no professional in any country has ever suggested they could be.

Oh and just for the record - he has never and would never raise a hand to me or any other female, as violence towards women is NOT an "ASD trait". If I read that one more time I'll jump out of the screen and strangle the poster

The ex's chess obsession could be described as an "ASD trait" but you shouldn't marry a sailor if you expect him to home every night at 6 pm for tea. When we were together I was never bothered by the time he spent on the chess circuit. A lot of the posts on relationships are posted by what seem to me to be rather spoilt princess types who can't get total control so are throwing their toys out of the pram and using "he's ASD" to do so. Ggggggrrr!

Is it possible undiagnosed AS adults are more likely to have behaviour resulting from mistreatment and MH issues in childhood?

i think it's entirely possible Star - it's just more often than not in a thread about a bloke being an ignorant twat, not sinking into depressive meltdowns or showing signs of anxiety/unexplained behaviour/increased ritualistic behaviour

Yes, I know, i've seen those threads...

OP: Dh only bought me a vase for my 40th and didn't buy me the necklace I've been hinting about for months. And he never notices that the bin is full!

Others:he sounds like he has AS!

I DO, however, resent it being used as a catch-all armchair dx for stereotypical twattish behaviour demonstrated by an OPs OH, which is thrown out mid-thread as if "Ooooooh, he's a dick, so it MUST be AS/ASD, and that's not fixable..." because so many assume that ALL people with AS/ASD act like twats and thus all twats have AS/ASD. Rather than "um.. he's just a dick..."

YY

It's a totally different thing to someone coming on MN worried about their DH and wondering if they have AS/ASD (or mental health problems).

Bit like the threads moaning about DPs and the torrent of "you're in an abusive relationship" posts. Or ones which tell the OP she has depression. Wonder if, say, 5-10 years ago when ASD was becoming a bit more widely recognised/diagnosed, it would have been similarly used as a catch-all for 'naughty' or 'bad' behaviour in children ("my child is so naughty" "oh maybe they have autism").

Just because something is more prevalent (on the rise?) it doesn't mean people who have no experience of it actually understand it.

And I completely agree about the fixable bit.

PMSL at bochead - haven't laughed that hard in ages
The reverse of this is school wanting CAMHS to assess DS2, because of 'a few concerns' . DS2 is DH. DH in adult life is feted for being dedicated, no nonsense, pedantic (in a good way - spots every error), straight talking. He would admit himself that he does not like 'socialising' and tries to only go to events where he can talk business or hobby.
So when DS2 is like this, at school, its a problem.
I can never understand why as both adults and children, people can't just accept that everyone is different. Not every child wants to always put their hand up, or join in show and tell - get over it.

The ex had real drink issues at one point. The drink issue was caused by standad AS Social anxiety combined with not coming to terms with past experiences in the military meant "dutch courage" got out of hand.

Here's where having a diagnosis helped - when he decided off his own bat to get help for the drinking he was sent to a service with AS specific expertise. His therapy helped him interpret the military memories from HIS AS pov and gave him specific coping strategies for the social anxiety. He now after a lot of work, seems to have got the battle with the booze under control, but wouldn't have stood a chance without the AS specific social anxiety first being addressed iiyswim.

A standard alcoholic recovery programme like AA would have been fook all use to him as it doesn't take the needs of someone on the spectrum into account. He won't need AA all his life but he will need to use the ASD specific coping strategies he was taught.

A diagnosis also helped a great deal when he was in hospital for a few days once. Under stress and not feeling well he seemed bloody rude to the nurses until it was explained he was on the spectrum. A quick expanation, and they stopped taking offence and he relaxed, and all was tickety boo.

So having a diagnosis for an adult CAN help. I'l respond to threads like that and try and help, but not the "twat= ASD" ones as I have no time for bigotry & there is a BIG difference in the nature of the posts.

Auntevil, I have some sympathy. Everyone bangs on about DS being good at talking to adults but being rubbish with and disinterested in children.

Since he's going to spend most of his time in the adult world then wtf is the issue?

(actually I know that it us about going through developmental stages in order and learning to negotiate on a more primitive level - but still, the overall aim is to enable him to function in the adult, not child, world)

star - even school realised that 'circle of friends' was not going to work with DS2. I could hear him in my head saying 'why on earth would I want someone to be my friend that has no interests even remotely similar'. We wouldn't do that to an adult would we, 'Dear Agony Aunt' advice would be to join a group of your interests, as you would have some commonality.

There's another one of those bloody threads running again.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1470849-WIBU-or-really-aggressive
Don't know if the OP is married to someone with a dx or just self-diagnosing again.

Looks like self diagnosing Fallen, note "he is very definately ASD".

None of us ever said that having a dx stops you being an arse Leonie.
Any more than my Aspie teenager's dx stops him being a bloody annoying teenager at times.

No, I think you have a man on the spectrum who is also an inconsiderate pig.
Has he always treated you like shit and shown you no respect?
How long has that been going on?

The main asd bit of that scenario is that, having been an a**e all day, he asks what (to him) is a simple yes/no question, possibly patting himself on the back for knowing that Leonie is tired.

A similarly difficult but NT man who feels horny after being a complete a**e all day would have tried to flatter, manipulate and trick his way into bed.